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Do they have episodes that last for months?  Or is there a possibility of bipolar disorder mixed in there too?  My wife seems to create a world where she is a victim and I'm the worlds worst and abusive husband.   She has accused me of raping her.  She will stray and the drop the extra relationship.  This time I can pinpoint the when's  and how's of the fantasy creation.  I hope this makes sense.  Is this possible?  It seems she will have the same memories and complaints during this time.  One being that she hates our home and that I forced her to buy it.  And there are many others.  What has always caught mybeyebisnan eerie look of confusion during this time.  I hope someone can relate. 

These moments happened with my uBPDexgf and would last one to three weeks, but the caveat was that she would be using drugs during this time. Amphetamines and Alcohol. She would create this really distorted world that she only had in her head. She was in the physical world but not even close in the mental sense. I can't even start to explain the F'd up things she would say and do. Things from her past would be coming up, distorted truths of the present. It was pure chaos.

I'll say I can relate.

My pwBPD seems to have "episodes" but I don't think it's truly an episode.  What I mean is they always have the disorder.  Like death and taxes, that's a guarantee with them.  Sometimes mine is more regulated or lucid than other times.  At least thats been my experience.  I read somewhere that we never really see the 'true' them, simply facades that they present to the world to look 'normal'.  Keep in mind that they are all individuals and each have various levels of where they range on the scale (if you will) of the disorders.  They may also have other disorders living in comorbidity as well.  But that's a whole different topic.

There are times that I had experienced who I felt Jane really is (or at least wants to be).  There were times that I would look into her eyes and they would be empty.  It's like a person was standing there or even talking to me, but it was void of any emotion.  When she became stressed about whatever (honestly, the wind could blow and she would stress out - Jane is a Waif), I could literally see the deregulation coming.  I knew I was about to go through a low (and I would emotionally brace myself for the punishment I was about to receive).

Her 'episodes' could last anywhere from a day or two to a month or so.  She started DBT and that has made it 10x worse (I suppose it has to get worse before better, but still).  Its one of the things thats caused me to leave, she became an entirely 'different' person to me once she started (she devalued and dehumanized me almost immediately) and we have started the discard phase.  I am currently LC with intentions of going NC shortly. 

But, to get back on topic, yes I can completely relate to what you mean.

Thanks for the reply.  I really appreciate the insight.  During these periods she does become someone else.  Our kids have even made that observation.  She has lost friends, coworkers and moved jobs because of these episodes. 

Yes, they do horrible things and say horrible things.  Her mom is the biggest enabler.  I WAS one too until now:  right before this potential episode we were discussing her getting help.  We were speaking about divorcing(which I know now triggered it possibly).

The erratic behavior is minimizing.  Unfortunately we have lost our family home this time around.  She is a successful woman!  I must say.

Mine is high functioning.  You wouldn't know she was BPD unless you were intimately close with her.  She truly is a chameleon.  But, after being around her for awhile, she can't camouflage around me like she used to be able to.

I will definitely go on record as saying that she has done something catastrophic to our r/s this time around.  She has been cold shouldering me for 4 weeks (hasn't been intimate in 6), which tells me she's replaced (and/or physically cheated on) me. 

I simply wish I could just put her out of my thoughts and go on.  I mean, really, what am I missing (other than a pretty shell of a person) by not being with her?

Sorry to hear you're going through this.  It's tough with kids.  Hopefully she'll regulate soon (at least to where you can move forward).  Keep us updated.

Before I knew about BPD or what was going on, I used to call the period of rages my ex would have as "episodes".  They went on for years, lasting sometimes for days or weeks and only 3 weeks to 6 weeks apart.  I could see it coming, and all logic would go out the window. 

Yep, thats where I am right this moment: illogical behavior.  Definitely being bullied (or at least she's attempting to exert control/dominance).  For example, I have been LC for a week or so (working up to NC).  I told her that I felt like we needed a break from each other to figure some things out (this was said face to face and was intended to be my prelude to NC).  She simply said "ok".  I told her that I would like to talk to her later (we were at work) to work out a few minor details (i.e., being cordial at work with each other and so on) and she said she didn't want to talk about it at work.  So, I asked if she would meet me somewhere after work to discuss it.  She wouldn't give me a straight answer, so I just let it go.  Well, about two hours after that, she came into my office and was all flirty (touching my shirt, getting close to me, and all that) and talking to me like normal.  I found it bizarre since I had just told her I thought we needed a break from each other for awhile.

Anyway, she says "I can't meet you tonight because I have to go to group (she's in DBT).  But tomorrow after work, we are going to meet and talk so don't make any plans."  I agreed (though I figured she'd blow it off).  Halfway through the next morning (today), she hadn't reached out to me so I reached out to her.  I asked her simply if we were still meeting today.  Her response? "idk, busy.  talk later."  Time passes, nothing.  As the end of the day comes, I asked her again.  She says "idk.  i don't fell like it will go well."  We go back and forth about simply meeting, finally she says "k.  let you know."  I responded with "ok, thank you."  She replies back "yea" and then "idc".  I don't think those were meant for me, so I ask what she means.  She said "what?"  I explained to her that I didn't understand the yea/idc text and she replies with "ok."  That was literally the last I heard from her.  She totally stood me up, which is frustrating.

I have no doubt that she meant the yea and idc to whoever she went out with tonight.  Probably on what to do or where to meet, because thats what she would say to me when I would ask her out on a date somewhere.  Its all just a form of control.  Maybe thats all in my head, but I just feel like she's moved on and refuses to close the door (so I can get closure) and wants to string me along just in case.  It's all so dehumanizing.  Maybe I should use this weekend as time to try to go NC again.  Maybe if she reaches out to me on Monday, I should just ignore her and go forward.  Its hard though, because I want that closure I was denied 4 years ago (and Im going through it again).  Just tough.

An old exgf, that in hindsight I am sure is a pwBPD, went on a rage that lasted about 4 months. At the end of it she was desperate to reel me back in. I clearly remember her wailing, begging forgiveness and saying "I can't believe what I did. Oh no, I broke my own heart." By that point she had destroyed so much that any future was impossible, regardless of how much we wished for reconciliation.

I'm in an 'episode' at the moment, painted black as you would in his fantasy world, I've abused him and am a crazy b___. Our last episode lasted between 6 to 9 months.

 Thanks for responding and for the insight.  I really appreciate it. During these times I've always chased her.  She would blame me for her infidelity.  So there was a never a chance for her to ask for forgiveness because I was to blame.  This time around I am not chasing her.  She even told me I would have to chase her and I said NO.!  I'm in new territory.  I don't know what to expect.  Everyone says she will want to come back.  My therapist also got me ready for her attempt.  I was not expecting that. Distance has helped me a lot. I've healed a bit and from what I hear from my kids she is not happy.

Climbmountain91, what goes on during the episodes?

From what I understand, a recycle attempt is 50/50.  My experience has been that my pwBPD didn't try to recycle me (not at least immediately - she severed contact and that was it).  Im not sure if I count the past year as a recycle or not.  4 years ago we were 'together' for a few months.  It blew up and we were NC for 3 years.  We were forced to be together alone and we talked.  That sort of moved to friendship and then we started being romantic thereafter.  Could it have been a recycle?  Sure.  Could it have been a 'new' r/s?  Yes. 

Honestly, since we blew up a few weeks ago and are LC now, I figure once NC starts we won't talk again at all.  She's far to beautiful to have to worry about me (recycle me), she always has potential suitors lined up.  She has adapted her camouflage excellently as well... .there will always be victims lined up for her to abuse.

Thanks for responding.  She's never been able to mive on.  The relationship always continues as if nothing happened.  We have four kids and it seems this really flared up five years ago.  It was as if the behaviors were there but we're just waiting to explode.  I thought this time was really it but then some behaviors surfaced but I started to set boundaries and distance.  If this stick then I do feel sorry for her because the way she set herself up is bad.  For example, she moved in with her mom.  She was abused as a child inthat house and couldn't be there when sane.  She also behaves like a teenager during this time.  It's so much!