BPDFamily.com

By way of asking for support here, I thought I'd share this e-mail I sent to my uBPD Mom today, who has been seriously acting out since a week ago. I'm posting my e-mail here because I think it brings you pretty much up to speed and hopefully some of you can relate.  I would love your comments, and to know that I'm not alone in this.  I am an only child with an elderly BPD mom, no other family support.  I am reaching out today.

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To Mom:

"I was going to send this in a letter, so you could read it over quietly, but I don't have a printer so I can't print it out to send it, hence the e-mail.  Please read the whole thing, and don't feel you must respond unless you've absorbed and understand what I am saying.

Last week, as I had promised, I called you in the morning to talk about Thanksgiving plans.  Ever since then, I have noticed an increase in your tension and anger towards me.  Sometimes a phone call can detect things that can go unnoticed in e-mails.  I have known you long enough to recognize in your voice telltale signs that  you are under stress, unhappy or angry with me.

Ever since that phone call, we have been having a volley of unhappy e-mails back and forth -- primarily triggered by the fact that you called me in a panic one morning because I had not answered your morning's e-mail in a timely fashion.  This greatly upset me, as you know, and I did get angry on the phone when I called back (because you asked me to).  As you don't seem to recall (or perhaps you just don't care), I did mention this behavior as being highly offensive and invasive on a list of rules I typed up and mailed to you, at your bequest, back in July when I got back in touch with you after almost a year of separation.  You asked me to make this list up.  I thought about it at great length, and thought it was a good idea, because in order for us to get along (since we never really have) there need to be ground rules.  But later on, you told me you didn't want to "live by rules" so essentially you trashed the whole idea and the thought and care I put into making that list, all for the sake of getting along better. 

Item Nos. 6 & 7 of my list address this problem perfectly: 

"6.  E-mailing me more than once a day, and expecting me to answer them each day (I might not, because I don’t like the idea of you knowing my comings and goings)

7.  Calling me in a panic trying to figure out where I am because I haven’t answered your e-mails"

And yet, knowing this was on the list, you called me in a panic about the fact that I hadn't answered your e-mail.  This caused me, naturally, to get upset, because it was in direct violation of the boundaries I had to set forth in order to facilitate our getting along better.

You see, the fact that you flatly refuse to go by any "rules", even though you asked me to make this list, shows a complete disregard and disrespect for my need for boundaries and protection against what I feel is are ongoing, constant emotional assaults by you.  This is nothing short of abusive behavior--you absolutely refuse to respect me and my needs.

You barely even asked about the dance performance, and also seemed to care very little about it.  It's a good thing, then, that you didn't come! 

The point I'm trying to make by this illustration is this:  if you refuse to honor my needs for privacy and boundaries, how in the world do you think we can continue to see each other?  Your demands on me will eventually push me away again. 

I came back in your life in July after a long separation because naturally I'm concerned about your welfare, as an aging, chronically ill person who lives alone.  I figured you might need assistance some times with doing things around your home that you can't do, medical appointment transportations, visiting in the hospital, help with planning and hiring  caregivers, helping to think and plan logically about the future, etc.  So far since my return, we have not discussed or done any of these things--but, as usual, I feel that the only purpose I serve in your life is to be kind of your "whipping post" for your baggage of chaotic emotions, which have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you.  I cannot help you with your emotional needs, Mom.  This is your thing, not mine.  It's not my fault that your husband died when you were 30, or that your 2nd husband was an idiot, leaving you without a life partner.  But please know--I AM NO SUBSTITUTE FOR YOUR LIFE PARTNER/SPOUSE/HUSBAND and I don't want to be.  I have my own problems/issues and visions for the future that I must stay positive and alert for in every way to tackle them.  I don't have the energy, or time in my short life, to be dragged down by my mother's misery.  I have my own sadnesses and losses that I grieve for, that don't involve you, and I keep those to myself, why can't you keep your sadnesses and losses to yourself? 

I feel I do the best I can as your daughter, given the historically and intrinsically adversarial nature of our relationship.  I have shown that I care and have been responsible and that I stand up for you and your needs.  But you continually to torment me with your chaotic emotional needs that have absolutely nothing to do with me, and everything to do with your life before I even came along.   So why am I to be punished by you?

During the holidays, like clockwork, you suddenly become morose, and demanding and unhappy and anxious and many other negative things.  I don't doubt that you may also have Seasonal Affective Disorder, on top of other things, but I am truly tired of feeling like the recipient of your emotions, instead of you taking responsibility for your offensive behavioral/mood patterns and keeping your thoughts and actions to yourself, instead of acting out on me.  This happens every holiday season that I can remember, except the ones, of course where I was relieved, sadly, to be separated from you.

Please during these holidays, try to show a little more humane respect of my needs so we can get along better and that you don't push me away again.  There are times when you act out like this that I really feel that you sincerely hate me, and that I have disappointed you as a daughter in every way and that the only reason you like having me around is to dump your anger on me, because you really don't love me. 

I know there are many things you may be disappointed in about me:  I didn't give you any grandchildren or an extended family; I don't share the strong work ethic that you do, but have preferred to develop myself as an artist; I don't have money and I can't buy you things or have you live in my house, but I think I've done as much as I can, given our stormy relationship, to be as good a daughter as I can, and I could have left long, long ago to be out of your life forever.

As you said in your e-mail this morning, please try to keep emotions calmer during these holidays and try not to act out so much which causes all this volatility.  Try to understand my hesitations about being close to you and not honoring all your excessive emotional demands.  Try to get your emotional needs met elsewhere--play the piano, be around more people somehow.  I'm not going to tell you how to do it, it's just that you need to start acting out and thinking in more positive ways if we're going to get along and you want me to be in your life.

As far as the problem which I mentioned, calling me when I don't e-mail you, don't you think that's a bit unfair?  Supposing I suddenly decided to go on a trip and didn't tell you.  Do you have to know everywhere I am every day and every minute?  I don't want that.  I need my privacy.  Your the one who has a need to e-mail me to let me know your'e alive and well.  Fine, if you want to do that, but I don't share the same need.  I never needed to tell anyone I was alive, and never will need that, even when you are gone.  This is your need, not mine.  I find it excessively invasive and offensive behavior to be required to respond to your e-mails, or I will get an anxious call unless I report back.  This is way too dictatorial for me.  You are not my boss!  I don't owe you this!  Supposing I miraculously started a relationship with someone, and was dating that person and not around very much?  I wouldn't want to tell you what I was doing, because that's private information.  Same with you--I don't want to invade your privacy, so why e-mail every day?  We don't have to report to each other!  Did you know there are senior agencies who will actually call you to find out how you are doing every day.  This is part of the thing you need to learn about reaching out and asking for the help you need.

But especially, and most importantly, I hope you start reaching out to others for emotional support and also socially.  It's too burdensome for me to be EVERYTHING to you.  What happened to the cousin that you were regularly e-mailing?  Don't tell me she just suddenly stopped--you must have said something to hurt her? 

This is all I want to say right now.  I had to say itt, because these thoughts were plaguing me until I expressed them to you.  Somehow, I really do feel an underlying hatred that you have for me, because of the way you demand so much from me of things I am totally incapable of providing to you.  In other words, you expect way too much out of me.  You always did.  This makes me feel like a total loser. 

Please take care during the holidays that we get along better.  I am not sure yet if I want to actually spend the night on Thanksgiving.  I need to see more trusting, calm and respectful behavior between us if I am to allow myself to stay over."

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Thanks for taking the time to read this!

OC,

This feels like a farewell letter to me. It probably felt good to put your emotions down and send what you feel all at once without interruption.

What's your goal here, the desired outcome?

T

the desired outcome of my letter (thanks for reading) is to emotionally distance myself from my BPD mom---to remind her of my boundaries and to remind myself that I must be forever hypervigilant with her, as far as guarding myself against her subtle and not-so-subtle manipulations to draw me closer to get something that is forever lost in herself but that she will never find in me.

It is kind of a farewell letter, in that it's a farewell to expecting any love from me, or at least the kind of love she thinks she wants from me.  I have to be in relationship with her now because she is elderly, but unfortunately I have to maintain some kind of emotional detachment in order to survive.   She hates that.  It's very sad, tragic really.  But I am an only child, no other family to help me with her at this age and I have to do what I can to keep my head above water and also be there for her, as she is age 94 and chronically ill

I should also mention that last year, I was in NO CONTACT with my uBPD mom for about 10 months, and only got back in contact since mid-July 2015.  So I'm trying really hard here not to have to go back into N/C and try to keep my head above water and survive.  I could use a few pointers on how to survive a BPD mother.  I should read some of the articles suggested here.  Having a BPD mother, with no father or siblings, being raised by only the BPD mother, has been quite damaging to me.  I can say this at my advanced age of 65-1/2 years

Hi Only Child,

I can see why you would be so frustrated with your mom you have a lot of boundary busting going on.  Your mom like so many of the pwBPD in our lives is also being triggered by the holidays 


IMO "reminding" your mom of your boundaries isn't going to stop her from boundary busting.  Upholding your boundaries is the way to teach her what those boundaries are.

She emailed, then she called and you engaged with her.  Why would she stop doing what she is doing if it works for her?  She got you to engage in the drama.  Respond to the emails if and when you want to and if she calls let it go to voicemail.  It will likely get worse before it gets better, you could experience an extinction burst but if you continue to uphold the boundary she will learn that her behavior is no longer working.

Here is a link about "Extinction Bursts" in case you haven't seen this already.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Many of us want to write that frustration venting letter and send it to the pwBPD in our lives because it will make us feel better.  But does it help the situation? Has her behavior changed?  Has she dialed it back or dialed it up? I'd like to suggest next time write the letter but don't send it.  You can even write your letter here... .this is a great place to vent your feelings  |iiii  Many here have found sending these letters initially might feel good but they just aggravate the situation further.

These types of letters can be a form of JADE... .To JADE is to Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain and this can lead to those lousy circular arguments.  Below is a link on Circular Arguments you might want to check out.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

Just some food for thought.

Take Care,

Panda39

Again, thanks Panda39 for your thoughtful comment and good advice which makes sense to me, also thanks for some terminology which I wasn't aware of (by the way, what is pwBPD?)

I did send my letter, but maybe should have run it by here first, and I think it already caused an "Extinction Burst", if my intuition serves me correctly.  HOwever, I did tell her today that she is free to continue with the daily e-mails to me, but that I would only e-mail sporadically, when I actually do have something to say--anywhere from once to 3 times a week.  I told her I felt like responding every day to each of her e-mails, and getting called on when I miss a timely reply, feels like I'm under surveillance. So I'm starting this today, and so far, she has been completely silent.  I'm guessing she'll become "extinct" and very angry, hurt. 

"Person" or "people" with BPD. The glossary tab at the top has a list of all of the acronyms.

What Do All These Abbreviations Mean? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0)

I'm glad you found my post helpful |iiii  That's the goal  :)

Ahhh yes the "silent treatment"   A tool that is used to create FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) just ignore this (I know sometimes easier said than done) and stick to your boundary  |iiii

I'm not sure if you've read any of the information on FOG but you might want to check that out too.  Here is a link to further information... .https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog.

My SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) unfortunately likes to use FOG on their daughters too but they are getting better at not falling for it. They are both low contact with their mother, most communication is via text with some phone calls sprinkled in.  They love their mom and at the same time have been very hurt by her so they keep the relationship minimal to keep the chaos and drama at a minimum.  D15 has been diagnosed with PTSD in part due to her mom's instability. 

It sounds like you know where you want to be in terms of your mom which is good, the tough part is standing your ground. You are not alone in this, pwBPD (people with BPD) are expert boundary busters.

I know I'm throwing a lot of information at you take your time going through it but there is one more thing I wanted to point out   :) and that is the "Lessons" Links in the box to the right ------>

I'm glad you decided to jump in a post 

Panda39

Lessons:  yes, I am doing all that--I have had a T every week, the same one, since 1990 and have known about mom's BPD since about 2003, when I also started showing increased sympoms of PTSD.

I have no relationships since 2007, for me, that's called "Managing my Relationships" (for now).  Also, with uBPD Mom, my goal is LC (limited contact).  Even harder than NC at times, or being full on enmeshed and willingly sucked up into the BPD family drama

Thanks for the reminder about how the silent treatment is a technique to stimulate FOG.  Gotcha