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I've already posted my story on here within the last couple of wks, but it's been almost 2 wks now since my bf who I can only assume is BPD suddenly decided he "wasn't ready for a rs" and cut me off.  I had previously been in a very abusive BPD rs and this was nothing like that, at all.  To the point where this is so unexplainable it feels like the man I loved committed suicide.  I have been trying to power through and am doing much better than 2 wks ago, I'll hav days like yesterday where basically for the entire day I felt strong and confident and accepting but today I am a wreck again.  One of the hardest things is the "lack of closure" to use a cliche which I hate, but it's true.  I feel like it understates how brutally painful it is.  What's also painful is that he left it open-ended but I know that's common w this BPD act of emotional violence.  So on a good day I'm hopeful he'll contact me again and feel as if I've "let go" until I start feeling depressed and start feeling the feelings of loss and fear and abandonment and realize that I still have way too much hope for him to contact me again for me to be able to let go. 

What I also find hard is that I know I took a risk w this rs for certain reasons in the beginning, BPD being the absolute last variable I was worried abt.  In fact I was overwhelmed w joy at being able to finally find the right guy for me.  It still feels right to my very core, well up until this happened, basically.  I get irritated w all the advice to "work on myself", I feel like what happened was that I took a calculated risk and it didn't work out but that I haven't learned anything from this except that I can endure more pain than I ever imagined.  I was already very mindful of the fact that I was very lonely and unhappy being single and wanted a partner.  What is wrong w wanting these things? How am I supposed to not want that? I am so sick of struggling in my life but I really don't understand what it is that I'm supposed to be learning from this I really don't.  I suppose the answer to that is supposed to be that I am supposed to find other things in life that make me happy than another person, but I have a rewarding (albeit stressful and very overwhelming) career, 2 small children, I don't get it, what I am doing wrong.  I can't find the same joy in anything that I experience when I am in a rs and I have no idea how to change this.  I don't really want to.  I want an intense, fulfilling partnership and family.  What is wrong w this? 

I realize I very mindfully put all my sense of safety and security into my bf and thought as our rs evolved that this was a safe and strong enough bond for me to help me work out the last pieces of abandonment and insecurity stuff that I have but apparently this was not the right thing to do and it ended up triggering a BPD reaction that I never saw coming.  It just doesn't feel like the punishment fits the severity of the crime though so-to-speak, it wasn't this dysfunctional crazy rs at all.  It only makes sense as BPD as I go back and piece things together, that's how subtle it all was.  I've already been through a 5-yr BPD rs this isn't my first rodeo, I'm not at the beginning stages of having insight into myself. 

I guess I was just having a bad night which feels really frightening to me still even though I know I always get through it, it's just that for the first time in my life I can't seem to make sense of something for any consistent period of time.  I'm all over the place w it.  All of the advice and stages and everything I feel like I already understand all that and idk how to get deeper w it which I must be needing to do.  Seeking professional help is... an extremely complicated and scary thing for me to do in this situation but I suppose I should probably figure out a way to do that :////////////////

Hi Senra

Sorry to hear you are in so much agony, glad you are posting.

I am curious about this statement: "I've already been through a 5-yr BPD rs this isn't my first rodeo, I'm not at the beginning stages of having insight into myself. "

Did you (Do you) understand what BPD was about when that first r/s ended?  This is really serious business - not just a minor flaw in people, but a full blown illness that is hard to resolve and can seriously hurt the Non that becomes involved.  There are lots of great materials on this site to read.

Why do you think you went back into another bp styled r/s after the first one?

Well that's the thing... like I said, this wasn't another bp-styled rs, that's why I am finding this so difficult to wrap my mind around.  I am piecing it together as BPD only now in hindsight.  There were definitely some clues, but this was a completely different type of relationship than I had ever been in, honestly, BECAUSE it felt so healthy and right, and I became extremely attached.  It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't the typical BPD dynamic, either.  Overall I had never been so happy in my entire life even though there were probably 2 other incidents in the rs previously that had been difficult, one of them similar to this, but minor in comparison to it now.  We worked through them.  99% of our rs up until the end was "no BPD symptoms", so why would I ever think that this would happen ://////  I consider myself very versed in BPD, personally and professionally, so for me to be so blindsided by this is just crazy... .I did take a risk in entering this rs in the beginning but not bc of BPD.  As I'm looking back I of course see it all so clearly now though...

I know your pain Senra, it can bring you to your knees at times.  I've had tears in my eyes now for over a month ... .and it is really annoying.  I want to scream, cry, smash things, just generally go crazy.   It is incredibly difficult to completely open your heart and soul to a person just to have it smashed all to hell.   It has shaken me to my core as it has you.   

Pitch a couple of ideas.

Maybe the lesson to be learned here is you are attracted to the wrong type of man? 

Perhaps you have a blind spot to certain characteristics in men? 

Maybe this last guy wasn't a pwBPD at all, he just got scared and ran?

It's difficult to understand peoples behavior, even when they aren't disordered.  Don't beat yourself up over it to much, love blinds us all.

I think it might be even more hurtful for this NOT to be BPD, bc at least w BPD SOME sense can be made w my rational mind, my emotional mind is not following but at least if my rational mind can make sense of it then that's what has been keeping me sane, literally. I could see a Non perhaps doing that as the rs evolved in a serious direction, not after it was already there, and had been there, after being very mindful and discussing and making decisions together. It barely makes any sense in a BPD way let alone a non-BPD way, for me anyway...

And Idk, there never seems to be any common denominator in the guys I am with in the beginning... I have dated all over the map w characteristics. That's what I find so frustrating w this is that I've wracked my brain trying to figure it out and I can't. Every rs has started in a unique way w a person I felt was different, ironically. W all different outcomes throughout my life. When I was younger I used to get bored of men. I had a hard time ever finding someone but when I did I always got bored and ended it. That was actually when I was a lot more insecure and had not worked through much of anything. Now that I'm older and thought I had it all figured out, each connection I make w a man ends up more inexplicably painful than the last one... I feel like I'm being punished for something. I have struggled and worked so hard on myself and it just keeps getting worse every time I make a connection w someone. After my last BPD rs I was convinced I was incapable of being hurt again bc it was so brutal and I knew I'd never date a man like that again. And this guy was so, so, so much different, not at all BPD in the same way(s) but that's the only thing that can explain this behavior to me ://////

Why do I keep getting stuck in this abyss when on some days I feel incredibly strong now... Fri I couldn't believe how strong and empowered I felt and confident, and I feel like I'm "paying" for it today. My mind keeps wanting me to focus on feeling scared and abandoned and rejected and Idk why, I'm trying to do everything I can to accept the worst-case scenario which is that he has just deleted me, I'm out-of-sight, out-of-mind now making his life easy. Now on top of everything I'm having these paranoid thoughts that he is back w his ex which makes no logical sense but my mind keeps going there too, torturing me. If I KNEW it was over, this would be so much easier, but he left it open-ended and I have no frame of reference for him doing this so I have no idea if this is it or not. I don't see it being realistic that he would stay in this dissociative state forever so when he comes out of it Idk how it would be possible for him to try and enter a rs w someone else and be happy, ever, after what we had, and knowing what he put me through and that it was never resolved.

My heart just can't believe after all the time we spent talking about our attachment and feelings toward each other and what we both wanted from the rs that he could just decide to stop playing one day. Our communication and connection felt so transparent. It feels so so so rejecting. It IS so rejecting. I want to communicate so many things to him but I don't even know if he'd read them and if not/doesn't reply I feel like I'd be back to square one again, plus I'm hoping that investing less energy in the communicating the types of emotions that started the triggering in the first place, plus that might likely trigger shame abt what he did, is probably not going to lead to him wanting to re-engage w me ://///

Another excruciating piece is that I felt so safe in this rs and felt like it was such a strong and healthy attachment that I just allowed myself to truly be insecure and vulnerable and have a couple meltdowns at the end abt not feeling prioritized... which in hindsight triggered the breakup. I am absolutely kicking myself. I ONLY did that bc I THOUGHT it was safe, I felt so safe doing that, that he could handle it. I had the skills to cope differently if I had known that I would have had to. This was completely preventable. Obviously something would have come out at some point, but not necessarily THIS. I know there was no way of me knowing but I ALLOWED myself to have a cpl tantrums, I didn't HAVE to have them. I allowed it. I had other ways of communicating if I knew that my words would have had such an impact... this is really hard for me...

And I hate hate hate that I'm in this mindset of feeling constantly rejected every second that goes by that he doesn't contact me, bc it was left so open-ended "Let's just see, we'll see... " When I'm feeling strong and confident I see what he did as almost silly but when I'm feeling like this it feels like torture. Bc there's the hopeful part of my brain... UGHHHHHHH... I need to shut that hope off, how do I do that?

Senra

Like you I felt safe in the relationship (and  I'm an extremely cynical person normally) and we had a great initial 6 months where I felt I was the luckiest guy on the planet. When she started acting out I was hurt and confused - and my online research led me to BPD.

10 months out I am relieved she showed me her true colours before any formal commitment was made. She gave me a great time and then had the decency to show me the relationship was unsustainable BEFORE it was too late. Many on this site weren't so lucky. 

I am happy on my own and know a LTR with her would be a terrible experience for me. She lacks emotional stability, and I lack the tolerance and patience to put up with that for any sustained period of time. To consciously choose to remain in a relationship with such a person is an act of self-abuse IMHO.

So knowing what you know now, why are you pining for someone who would almost certainly lead you down the road to emotional ruin?


Fanny

Honestly I think part of it is to have the opportunity to process what happened and explore for myself firsthand the extent of how hopeless it would be. It would give me a sense of control and then I could/would do the leaving if it was really necessary. I could explore if he was willing to get help for himself. I could explore lots of things. I'd obviously love to think that I'd hear something that meant there was some actual hope for him to address his issues but even if not it would be a better way to leave it for me then this... ! And anyway I literally can't control the "pining". I've worked so hard over the last couple of wks to reframe things and blah blah blah and it's helped but then I feel triggered and those feelings overwhelm absolutely anything else, even if I successfully fight them off for awhile, they win and send me into the abyss :/ And part, most or all of that is the piece that it was left so open-ended by him so I literally have to write my own conclusion but obviously my brain still knows that he didn't actually officially amputate me and it's still in this recent stage where it could go either way. And it's HELL. Hopefully the more that time passes the easier it will be to let go of the hope :'( I have this idea to contact him and ask to make it official myself and get my belongings back from him but the thought of that now terrifies me :///// I wish there was more of a formula where I could know at a certain point that it was really "over"... ://////

I understand how hard this is. If you read this board extensively you will find that a lack of closure is a by-product of a BPD relationship. We literally have to get that for ourselves. I have a version of what transpired that I'm 100% happy with. Talking to my ex would only give me her version of things from her somewhat skewed perspective.  If your ex truly has BPD his actions are fairly easy to understand - albeit difficult for a non to process.

It does get better with time and distance though - the first 2 months were the hardest for me.


Fanny

I do know that this is all typical BPD stuff and that's literally all that keeps me going bc it provides some sort of explanation, but my emotions have their own agenda. They won't keep in line w my rational thoughts and it's really frustrating. I can't control them :/

This is a good way to look at it.  My ex was a little different, became more stable over time, but her emotional instability and hurtful behavior was still there and would pop up from time to time.  


Yes, I am much the same in this respect and isn't that what we all must strive for ... .the ability to love yourself and provide your own happiness?   When you have this you can then participate in a relationship of equals where each person complements the other.


I am also faced with not getting real "closure" and must provide it for myself.  You couldn't be more correct about getting the skewed perspective from the ex.  My ex is surely rewriting history to make herself feel better and cast herself as the victim.  It is sad and frustrating to know this but we are powerless to do anything about it.

I, like Senra, also don't like the word "closure" because you rarely get it when you are the discarded one, PD or not.   In the case of the BPDex I think what I need to strive for is acceptance.  I have been mentally and emotionally beating myself to death trying to rationalize the incongruities in my ex.  I am beginning to realize I simply cannot rationalize the irrational and I just need to accept her for what she is, regardless of how much I want to deny it.  My problem post discard is I have split her into two different people, probably because that is how she presents herself.  I need to merge her back into the single entity that she was when we were together.

Letting go of the hope and dream of the future, accepting it will never come about, is by far the hardest thing to do.  I am still struggling with it quite a bit.  Eventually I, and you Senra, will come to a place of inner peace with regard to our exs and the whirlwind of emotions will subside.

These relationships are extremely addictive and many report an ongoing conflict between head and heart. Another drink from the BPD well of toxicity usually only brings fleeting relief before you are plunged into a vortex of confusion that makes first time around seem like a children's carousel ride.  

Maybe a good therapist is the only way to get 'unstuck' at this point in time?


Fanny

Well done C.Stein. Self-awareness is a natural precursor to truly recovering.  |iiii  We have all had to learn to stop idealizing the good parts of our exes whilst clutching at straws in thinking we can fix the 'bad' parts. They are both manifestations of the same disorder. The good part is not necessarily who our ex would be if they were BPD-free.

Fanny

I agree with this and it is difficult to accept the ex is not what I thought she could/would be.   Senra, you are also having the same difficulty as I, trying to rationalize the different personalities in the ex.  One side is everything we could dream of in a partner, the other a destroyer of hope, dreams and emotional stability.

Our relationships are like a hurricane.  At the eye of the storm everything is beautiful, satisfying, safe ... .perfect.  The storm however moves at a faster pace than the relationship.  As you get caught up in the storm your mind and emotions get shredded, hope changes into survival.  Some of us are lucky enough to escape the storm, others get carried along with it.  

Senra, you and I are lucky to have escaped the storm.  

I just wish I had the ability to have the opportunity to decide for myself that it was hopeless, bc sometimes it actually isn't. I feel like part of the reason he hasn't contacted me is bc he knows what an egregious thing he has done and he doesn't want this to be a cycle and he's genuinely trying to either figure it out and/or avoid figuring it out bc of the inordinate amt of guilt and shame he would feel.i know he's never been n a rs like this and has never done this, I'm sure it's extremely overwhelming and confusing as to how and why this happened. He's also self-aware enough to be taking it all on as his issue and was able to sit patiently w me all night while I cried and asked question after question that he couldn't answer bc he was dissociated. He was just planning on avoiding me indefinitely perhaps, idk, he told me he didn't want to meet w me abt t after he sent the shocking text to me that "he really didn't want t continue this." But he let me in and sat there dumbfounded w me holding my hysterical self. He apologized and said I did nothing wrong, he didn't know what was going on but it wasn't me it was him. That he thought he was ready for a rs but little by little he realized he wasn't. By morning I made sure I had pulled it together and asked him how he wanted to leave it and he said "Idk, let's just see, we'll see". I sent him a few messages which he didn't read until several days later along w all the messages I had sent him over the previous cpl of wks so I thought maybe that was a good sign that he was ready to talk or something but I've heard nothing. I had told him that I was leaving it in his hands what he wanted to do, that we cld keep our Mon nights to just hang out and not hv to talk abt this stuff and not have all this heavy "rs" pressure as our rs really did move v fast. I said I realized that when we had taken it to the next level of meeting kids etc in order to spend more time together he started detaching and I took it personally bc I didn't recognizing it wasn't me it was him. And then he reacted to my reacting by shutting down. It's a pretty suimple adjustment to make. But I can't do anything else but leave it in his hands. But these are the reasons I feel like if he was open to working on himself that maybe there is hope. Which I'd know w a conversation, but he won't have one w me :/ So I'm just left hanging.

I meant it would be a pretty simple adjustment to make for ME to accommodate his BPD stuff now that I know what it is, and THEN I could decide if I felt like I was compromising too much in relation to how much work he was doing etc. That's why this is so frustrating bc I've BEEN in completely hopeless toxic addictive dynamic and couldn't get out and I know I won't ever do that again but I just want the opportunity to decide that myself, I don't want it decided for me. But I guess part of the work is relinquishing that control and knowing that if he won't give me that opportunity then that's pretty diagnostic of his ability to be in the rs that I need... :/

Senra, you can't change who he is or make him do something he is uncomfortable doing.  Even if you could, would you really want a relationship like that?

Sounds to me like he was feeling engulfed and backed away.  Maybe too much too soon, who knows.  What I do know is there is nothing you can do about his feelings right now except let him sort them out on his own.  You are too close to this to provide any useful guidance for him and I feel the more you try to hang onto him and/or force the issue the further you will drive him away.

You are in control of your own life and I think you are relinquishing that control right now to him which is why you are stuck.  Take back control of YOUR life.

Does this sound plausible to you?

I'm not trying to control or make him feel anything or change him, of course I'd like him to change, but I realize only he can do that obviously. And I'm trying to control my emotions but it's not working. I'm trying not to miss him and not have hope. it's not working. Bc I know that rs's like this can work if he was willing to do that, but I guess what he's saying is that he's not willing or able to right now and I'm struggling to accept that bc I miss him and there was no period of toxicity or dyfunction or anything, it's like the person I know died. I still love tha person and I can't help wanting him back :/ I just don't know how to both grieve and miss him and let go at the same time esp having this be open-ended. But I'm trying my best...

I also know that yes he was probably feeling engulfed so me hanging on in any way is not going to alleviate that for him if there's any hope of this working so I'm planning on sticking w the no contact, it feels like the right thing.

This is almost exactly how I have been feeling as well.  I want to believe in the good person my ex can be.  I also am fighting with many conflicting emotions and it has impacted me on every level of my life for over a month now.

I am holding onto that person I fell in love with even though she has unconditionally discarded me in every conceivable way.  This is not healthy, I am still allowing her to deeply impact me emotionally.  Even still, the feelings are there, I can't ignore them.  I still deeply love her in spite of the things she has done.  You can't really stop the emotions all you can do is try to not let them take control of you right now.  This is something I have not been very successful at.

It has helped me somewhat to actually think of it like she did die.  The person I thought she was (or could be) is not who she is (the person I feared she might be).  In the end she has become a complete stranger to me.

I believed in her potential; the sweet, loving, affectionate, caring person I know she can be and was much of the time.  However when it was most important for her to embrace that side of herself she couldn't/wouldn't.   I really tried hard to help her bring that side into the light for good.   That person would have never treated me the way she did, or at least that is what I want to believe.  So in the end the person I fell in love with is essentially dead and I just have to accept that.   :'(

 Yes I was thinking of it as a death at one point too... I WISH I had had the opportunity to decide for myself if it was unworkable, although that's what he seems to be telling me now through his inaction... I keep having to tell myself I have done and said everything I was able to, if I had the opportunity again I'm sure I'd be able to articulate even better things but he's just not giving me the opportunity and my hands are tied right now... it does help knowing that investing desperate, "needy" energy into this would if anything make his fear of engulfment even bigger so the best thing all around for everyone is to just stay no contact. He is probably trying to recover from or continue to avoid the guilt and shame of annihilating me/effing up the rs, and seeing me sobbing that last night and hyperventilating probably did not help lmao... but it had to happen... ehhhh... .

This is another issue of control, but remember there are two sides of the coin.  In an ideal relationship no one person has control, each contributes equally.  In an ideal breakup each party would agree the relationship has failed and part amicably.  

For you to wish for control effectively takes control away from him.  This would put him in the exact same place you are right now.

P.S. It sucks being rejected

I don't mean to decide exclusively, but I wish I had the opportunity to be a part of a mutual process. He had done this to me once before although not as brutally and it was v short-lived and under different circumstances, but he had agreed that it wasn't healthy and that he would never come to a unilateral decision like that again, so obviously I know it's BPD bc he was literally unable to do this. So the next step for him would be much more intense obviously, in order to make this rs work. I remember talking to him the first time abt how he has these "shut-downs" and he couldn't describe how it happened, just total unawareness. Just totally out of touch w emotions, triggers, anything. I truly think that he would/will genuinely recognize the need for him to address abd his issues and change which is a good thing, I just don't know when. I know I could help guide him in the right direction if he wanted my help and I know that he'd seek professional help from someone else. I think if we had had a different, toxic/triggering dynamic w anger and etc it would make this much more complicated but I think if I stay away he'll eventually do the right thing for himself. So that makes me feel like I at least can help him in that way.

hi senra.

i would like to chime in.

i recently ended a relationship with my suspected BPD ex. i myself am not BPD,bipolar etc. that being said i am a former drug addict,co dependent, probably a workaholic? i spent most of my adult life avoiding a relationship at all cost because i was afraid of perpetuating the cycle of addiction/abuse i was raised in. like as if its genetically passed?

and then my ex came a long. i loved her i believed it was real. it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do to decide to leave her we have two small children together. and now im struggling. pouring over this group and other sources of BPD info. but im still looking at her. NOT ME?

so now to the point. i have met a few women since the split. and i will end it for any reason? im scared terrified to find another woman wearing a mask who will trick me and trap me in a verbaly,emotionally,physically abusive relationship.

i understand that to have a successfull relationship i have to face that fear and walk through it. but right now i cant. i need to shelter and protect myself.

so maybee this guy is struggling with something similar? fear is very powerfull. and maybee he got to the point where the fear was more powerfull than continuing. and i know a lot of times i have regreted ending a seemingly great relationship and it left me wondering what if?

but at the end of the day i wasnt capable of facing the fear?

not sure if this is any consilation?

I think that what happened was that he got into this incredibly tense, very complicated rs very quickly, it was a rs we had to hide at first bc it put my career at risk, it was very stressful although we thought things out very carefully so it was quick and impulsive but at the same time it wasn't. Then when we didn't have to hide anymore I think he started to experience the fear of engulfment and at the same time a fear of failure bc he knew he had this compulsion to detach from me and knew he "shouldn't" be doing this, that it wasn't healthy, then I actually started to react to him detaching (not recognizing it as BPD at all, responding from my own issues w abandonment, had I have known I would have been able to easily adjust my perception and reactions), and when I started reacting he just shut completely down and checked out. I can see the progression of everything so clearly now. He had always felt like I was too good for him anyway and there all of a sudden the rs was beginning to teeter toward failure and it was too much. It didn't matter that we never even had a chance to discuss it bc it happened so fast and our rs was mostly through text bc we didn't see each other often... but by the time he started feeling truly triggered at the end there was no way of him being able to deal w things in any other way than he did. He was unaware of the triggers and why and how it was happening, neither did I until the end in retrospect...

*intense not tense

senra.

i know it hurts it hurts like hell.

but you have two children. be thankfull that hes gone the idealization phase is wonderfull. but what comes next is awfull and its hard to get out of. your kids dont need that. and you need a clear head for them.

these people will slowly take control from you they will erode your self esteem and self confidence what little you have. it happens slowloy so you dont realise till your fully engulfed and helpless. be thankfull and work on you.

easier said than done i know. it really is one day at a time. some are better than others.

stay strong for the little ones. keeping busy helps a bit to.

You have to consider the possibility that regardless of what you did or did not do, the outcome could have been the same.

I have these same issues, beating myself up over things I should have done but didn't.  I am carrying an immense amount of guilt and remorse around as a result.  BUT ... .even if I had done something different I can't convince myself that somewhere down the road the end result would still be the same, it just would have taken longer.

What I did or did not do doesn't change who she is.  I keep trying to convince myself of that sad fact.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there C.Stein.

When they meet us, the hope that we are the one who will ensure their emotional survival means they idealize us as we soothe them. When they inevitably realise we are imperfect, they are hurt and disappointed - i.e. we trigger them by our very presence.   Oh yes, they will attribute their  emotional meltdown to this incident or that one - but the reality is that WE have become a trigger to them. They can never feel the same about us again - irrespective of whether circumstances dictate a future relationship recycle.


Fanny

I still believe that people have the capacity for change and I wish that I was able to communicate w him at this time but I'm accepting that I'm not and it probably is as it should be now. I've been in a very different type of BPD dynamic and I know the cycle but ever time I had the opportunity to feel like I was making a choice every step of the way. I know this is still a choice but not really bc the options have been limited for me. I know I'd be able to tell w one conversation abt this if this was able to go on from here to my satisfaction or not. I guess I need to focus on the fact that he is essentially giving me this same information at this time, or I need to treat it as such instead of waiting and hoping he's just "taking a break"... he may be but I really can't afford to look at it that way, I need to look at it as he is indefinitely amputating me bc this is the only way I can accept what's happening without feeling abandoned and dissapointed every time I look at my phone and see he hasn't messaged me...

Hi Senra

You mentioned in an earlier post that you're a clinical social worker. Do you think it's possible that the 'professional' in you simply refuses to give up on your ex without a fight - even if it's to the detriment of you on a personal level?

I ask because I found it hard to give up on my ex without a fight as I really believed I could fix her problems - but on reflection, it really was more about me than her at that juncture.

Fanny

It has nothing to do w ME wanting to fix him, no.  I don't even feel like that about my clients.  I just lead horses to water so they can fix themselves.  BUT it is important to me to make sure I have done everything in my power to do just that, and then I let go of the outcome.  So w him, yes when this happened I have felt the need to communicate to him what I think had happened and why and to validate him and give him some guidance on what might be helpful to him now w him/us and that he could take it or leave it and I was leaving it up to him to contact me basically.  That's how I left it like a week-and-a-half ago and I'm planning on staying NC and just dealing w what I have to deal w on my end and to let go of the outcome.  Obviously this is very personal and a huge shock so I am invested in the outcome, but learning to let go of it anyway.

Senra, I was where you are at 4 months ago. My BPD exgf broke up with me seemingly out of nowhere. She did it over the phone and called me selfish and immature among other things but basically put the blame all on me. Mind you I treated her like a princess and would do anything for her. I couldn't believe what happened , those first few weeks were misery. I couldn't eat, no gym, and I called out of work. I couldn't wait to go to sleep so I could not think about it. A few weeks later I found out about BPD and realized she has most of the traits. Mainly her use of the silent treatment . She used it many times and I endured it and put up with her reasons for it. Now 4months out I look back and realize how poorly I was treated and how very one sided the relationship was. To the point I get angry. 2 months out I stupidly texted her and couldn't have been treated more coldly. She told me she doesn't even think about us anymore. How's that for giving her 6years of my life and ending my marriage for her. Efff that , then and there I knew I was done. Now i rarely think of her. I'm single and everyday gets better. You will see. The fog is real but once it lifts you will get better. Keep your head up .

I have been in that toxic hell you're describing, also, in a previous rs, but this was nothing at all like that to the point where I didn't even really recognize full BPD until after the fact, it was so insidious.  We virtually HAD no conflict.  When he texted me that he "didn't want to do it anymore" and I raced to his house in a panic he took me inside and sat down w me and held me while I cried and hyperventilated all night.  He took responsibility for it all.  It's hard to even be angry w him although I definitely am at times.  It is also hard not to be hopeful that perhaps he could do what he needed to do to make a rs work.  I know he probably hates himself right now if he is allowing himself to feel anything at all yet.  This isn't the typical BPD thing, I've been there and it was awful.  This obviously is too, and in an even worse way, but I feel like if he really wanted to he could do something abt this.  I KNOW he would not want this to be an ongoing pattern in his life (he's never done this to anyone before me in a rs like this).  I really hope for his sake that by staying away from him  it might help him find the peace and strength to do what he needs to do to be healthy and have what he wants in life.

just a thought?

has he been diagnosed BPD? maybee he isnt maybee hes just hurt,broken,damaged,scared.

i know since i have left a BPD toxic relationship i have become hypervygilant i can see BPD in anything lol. sometimes i think when my two yr old is having a tantrum she is BPD lol. which is totally off base?

maybee your overly sensitive from your previous relationship? and hes just guarded or whatever?

No he's not diagnosed, and I'm actually qualified to diagnose w BPD and I really did not think he had anywhere near the full criteria set for the disorder, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me, the way he did this... so perhaps he does not indeed have enough for a full diagnosis but does have some similar reactivity... idk. It was just so abnormally abrupt what he did, like a different person...

I actually had received a bill for something that I decided that I am going to ask him to help me w since it's a fairly large amt and he's partly responsible for it as well, so I just sent him a message on the texting app we use and then an email (bc recently he had been ignoring my messages so I want to make sure he gets it).  Then I'm going to mail him a copy if I don't hear from him.  The him I know would just pay the whole thing for me w no question especially knowing that I've had trouble working and have gotten behind financially over the last few wks bc of this, but I'm not sure I know who this guy is that I'm dealing w now... :/  I actually think that this is a good thing for my healing bc truthfully if I do not hear from him then I'm really going to look at it as a sign that this is officially over, over, over... the rs that we had, anyway.  Anything that might come in the future would be completely different, nothing will ever be the same, but I couldn't hold out hope for it.  But this is truthfully what I've been yearning for is some sort of indication of if there is hope or not so I'm going to use this as my "sign".  I just decided this a little while ago and sent the messages and felt immediately really triggered and panicky but I powered through it thankfully since I've been working so hard on this stuff over the last few wks, and now I'm feeling better, esp w the idea that I'm going to use this as an indication for me to really let go, if I don't hear...

Fanny wrote

a lack of closure is a by-product of a BPD relationship. We literally have to get that for ourselves. I have a version of what transpired that I'm 100% happy with. Talking to my ex would only give me her version of things from her somewhat skewed perspective.  If your ex truly has BPD his actions are fairly easy to understand - albeit difficult for a non to process.

-----Yes, true. Why is the lack of closure so common with them?

-----"his actions are easy to understand"----do you mean that though they are different than us, we can "understand" them by looking at what they do in the framework of what typically a pwBPD does? In that sense, they are "understandable" because they do what a BPD often does?

I have a question for you Shatra ... .

Would you recycle if he wishes to ?

Looks like you want to and I don't blame you !

Do you mean me guy4caligirl? And I would definitely consider it after a conversation to assess where he was at and what he was willing to do to work on himself and if the resulting inevitable adjustments on my part would be realistic for me... there was more strength to our connection than toxicity, apart of course from this recent reactivity that was really unforeseen... I wouldn't be able to re-enter something without feeling reasonably confident that he could make progress in preventing something like this from happening again and that my part in that would be realistic like I said. We truly are exactly what each other were looking for as far as personal attributes etc... the sex was completely off-the-chain... everything just felt effortless really, until recently.

I think if I don't hear from him w these 2 messages I sent abt the bill I'm going to mail him a copy w a letter for closure for myself and perhaps for him too, idk. We'll see what happens. He hasn't even read my text yet although I know it's been delivered, but he's intentionally ignoring it clearly... whatever. It is what it is.

No ,it was for Shatra but I am happy to comment, in my opinion and as Skip always said NC for a minimum of six weeks .

It really works believe me !

Really works for... detaching?  Or recycling them?  Or both lol?  I feel like I can't wait 6 wks for anything, I need to detach NOW.  I'm struggling right now w some feelings of anger bc I feel like he's ignoring my messages that I just sent to him abt this bill that I have, of course my first instinct is to feel as if this is another way to assault me emotionally... even though I realize what he's already done was not out of sadism, so why would I think that his ignoring is mean-spirited or an eff you to me... but that's how it feels, like his ignoring of me in general feels.  It also feels scary like, who is this person ignoring me, when I know how he "normally"  is abt money and if someone needs help he helps them and takes responsibility for things when he should.  It's another indication that the person I loved has morphed into this other, alien being, it feels like... but I feel like god, if I don't get a response should I should I not send him a copy in the mail w some sort of letter abt how I feel, or something... it just feels unacceptable to me to ignore me abt this, almost more unacceptable than the way he's handled the emotional/rs piece... like a really d*** move.  It's not like he doesn't have the money and truthfully he knows I haven't been able to work for awhile bc of this.  You'd think if he feels so guilty and shameful, which is the assumption, he would want to do something like that to help him alleviate those feelings and this is something that he could do... .grrrrrrr I'm so angry... .which then leads me to believe that if he isn't feeling guilty and shameful then I'm truly scared to know what he is feeling, maybe he is still dissociated and just in a cold unfeeling place still.  It would definitely be in keeping w someone who could text someone you wanted a life w that  you now "just don't want to do it anymore"... "I don't want to meet"... .grrrrrrrrrr... I guess him not answering me would mean he's prob still in that state.  But if he really still is in that state then why would he have bothered to go on and read my OTHER  messages last wk while he was still in that state when he wasn't reading them before?  Maybe he had a brief moment of feeling better but reading my messages ended up overwhelming him again... lol... ehhhh who the eff knows... .

So if I don't hear from him then sending him the bill probably won't accomplish anything more, unless he's like blocked me from email and texting and I don't know it?  AHHHHHHHHHHHH so maybe I should just mail him a copy just to make sure bc I DO need help w it... .plus I can get some last words in to him before I detach myself... .

Like is he trying to be a d*** at this point, is that making it easier for him bc he figures I'll just give up out of anger and frustration and he won't have to keep dealing w me? Idek who that person is!

Ugh and now the sadness and grief setting in and I'm sitting here bawling. It feels like this infinite abyss of sadness pulling me down. I couldn't possibly even cry enough ever it feels like to express how sad I feel and how much I feel like I've lost or to "get it out of my system, the only way I can stop is to just distract myself bc I feel like I cld cry for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be enough...