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I've gone nearly 1 month no contact with my BPDex gf. Some days I'm okay & some days I'm a complete wreck. Today I am having a bad day, I didn't sleep much last night and when I woke up this morning I just felt sad. Later this afternoon I received an email from my BPD ex stating "there is so much she wishes we could talk about." Once I saw the email in my inbox my heart sank, I couldn't breathe & I went from having a bad day, to having a horrible day. I'm still so sad. I physically hurt and my mind is constantly thinking of the hurt & betrayal she caused me. I continue to feel the shame of being rejected. I feel like this pain will never end. 

EJ, sorry to hear about this.  It's tough.  I've been there once myself and going through it again now.  I can tell you from my experience, while the pain does ease, you'll always carry that scar.  As unbelievably tough as it is to do, stay NC.  Don't do like I did and give them a way in because (in the end) they'll shred you again.  I know it doesnt sound like it now, but I am a romantic at heart.  I was NC with my pwBPD for 3 years.  Not a day went by I didn't think about her, but I knew it was for the best.  Then she wanted to have a conversation with me about the past and I agreed to it.  She seemed so much better, practically normal.  We became friends then lovers.

Long story short, we were together for a year.  It has been a rollercoaster ride for that year.  We had some great times, but we had far to many bad ones.  I was happy, confident, and enjoying my place in life.  After being involved with her for a few months, I am anxious, compulsive, angry, bitter, and in a constant state of uncertainty.  I've been lied to and cheated on.  And through it all, I still don't hate her.  But I also would've told her to sod off a year ago if I had the knowledge then that I have now.

Stay strong.

I know, it's tough but only NC and time will help. I am officially 4 months NC and the fog has finally lifted.

Hey EJ, sorry to hear it's so tough for you. Most if not all of us on here have gone through the same horrendous pain you are going through right now. In a post many months ago, I said I felt like I was in some awful psychology experiment to see how long it would take for me to die of a broken heart. That's how painful it felt.

Stick with the NC. It will def get better. Slowly but surely.  If you make contact you have to reset the counter and the emotions that go with it all over again.

Do you have a self-care plan if/when things get really bad or overwhelming for you? I found journalling about my ex and what she did and how was I feeling and all the questions I initially had, very helpful (heck I wrote an encyclopaedia about it). Meditate. Read articles on here and understand more of the disorder - that really helps us let go of the fantasy we have in our heads about them. Get out and walk - I know sometimes that feels impossible but being outside made a big difference for me. Play Xbox or something else that requires complete concentration to get your mind off it.

Just be kind to you. That awful cliche about time is true. You will know things are progressing for you when you start to have angry moments. Yeah, you will still go back and forth between sad and angry and hurt and hopeful. It is like being in an emotional washing machine. But you will get there buddy.

What you're going through right now is unfortunaly very common to all of us , Stick with NC and do what makes comfortable even if you slept all day ... .Time heals .

You have been rejected so I was and all of us ,there is no way out till time goes by,  and NO communicate ,you will get the same "move on like I did "  answer that they are famous for ! and fall back into more pain, keep going we have no choice !

Good luck .