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I have noticed that when I get away, I start seeing things differently and seeing things for what they are. A lot of reality. I have not succeeded in NC in the past but this time seem different, like I really hit bottom. Last week was an angry week for me, I found some of the secrets; which have been very hard to deal with. I have known the truth for 6 months but never wanted to confront it, it was right there in front of me. I guess I thought just one more try and I will be more patient and understanding. The lies when I had the evidence in front of me but would alway ignore.

I am also mad at myself for my part in this, I realize that I was not helping but making things worse for him. I guess what I am trying to say is that for the past year and half my entire live was enmeshed with the BPD in my life. Nothing was about me or my happiness, nothing.

Ok, to the point. I think the NC has helped me detach from this mess and look at myself honestly. I also am feeling so much better tonight.

I say that NC was not successful in the past because I would see if he changed his profile picture on Facebook or start looking at pictures. When I did that, I was back enmeshed with him again even though he was not there.

The other point with enmeshment is that I took on some of the BPD traits, I have lived in three cities with in a year following him. I foolishly spent money on him and lost two of three jobs in one year. I had never been fired. I have to start taking responsibility for my actions for that as well. I said that I needed to go back to my life 6 months ago, but decided to stay enmeshed in the end.  I think that NC will help me get back to my life as a responsible adult that deserves to be happy and have great people in my life. Before this I lived in New Orleans and went through two major hurricanes that destroy two homes. It takes a long time to get back to normal but you have to start somewhere and that means you have to wake up the next morning and start cleaning up. Emotionally I have been through a hurricane and now it is time to clean up.

I feel your pain and confusion Joel .

I also know what a hurricane is ,and the mess they leave behind , a BPD is like a tornado you never know when it hits you , I I often compared my ex's episodes to a tornado .

Hang in there sorry about all the moving  you had to do .

NC is not only no contact it also means no stalking no face book no asking any mutual friends about an ex  please remember that .

If she or he come to your mind don't ask why , just  look for what triggered the thought and concentrate on the cause like a song , a place a restaurant ... .and realize that's ok and keep going and have control on your thought , I did that It was a life savior.

joel6242, you have been through hell and back several times.  I admire you for your strength and perseverance to remain standing through all this.   You have my deepest sympathies for your struggles and pain.  I wish I had half the strength you do.   

Distance brings clarity.