BPDFamily.com

So I've been NC with my uBPDxgf (neighbour) for over a month now. Thanks to a lot of valuable insight from members on this forum and quality time spent with friends and family the FOG is slowly but surely starting to lift. I've still got a lot of the journey left to walk but I feel I'm heading in the right direction.

Something happened yesterday. It might be nothing or it might be the start of a recycle.

Last night I was in the flat when I heard her door opening and I heard her flatmate coming home. My ex has a puppy that gets left in doors all day (story for a different day). Basically it needs to go for a pee as soon as either my ex or her flatmate get home, so I assumed the flatmate took the puppy out.

I then got a text from my friend asking if I wanted to come chill at his. While I was getting ready I heard my ex come back from work. I got my stuff together and went down stairs and into the car where I switched the engine on and was texting my friend.

Then 30 seconds later my ex comes out into the car park holding her puppy and walks right past the front of my car (not looking at me). She was wearing a dress I bought her (but I think that was more coincidence as she was probably wearing it for work). She goes over to a grass verge and sets the puppy down for a pee. I tried not to look at her but when I drove off I could swear she was looking at me.

It just seemed bizzare. We've only bumped into each other once and I said Hi and she more or less ignored me. We can ignore each other if we want in the stair and we more or less have. You can easily hear the other person coming home or leaving. It just seems to me she chose to come out at the same time as me.

The other thing to say is we got back after our penultimate breakup when I saw her in the car park with the puppy and chose to go speak to her.

Do you reckon this was all coincidence (which I'm fine if it is) or do you think she was testing the waters?

It may be coincidence. It could be her being nosey and wondering where your off to. It could be her showing you what your missing.

Its hard to tell. One thing thats certain is even if they have no ideas about getting back together with you they don't like it if you move on. They want you to still want them and when you don't it unsettles them.

There are a number of recycle tactics. One is the damsel in distress, another glamouring themselves up, another the accidental bump into you.

The thing about recycles is that it takes two. If you don't want it or they don't want it then it will never happen.

It is hard to tell... .but I understand the mess she is making in your mind. You aren't crazy that's for sure.

Sometimes I ask myself- "what would a 5 year old do?" -to explain a BPD behavior.

I love enlighten me's advice (always)... .it takes two.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you want to recycle?

I just think living next to her that this won't be the end of it. Selling is realistically out of the question for now as I'd lose money on the property. I'm just trying to spend time with friends and family. If I'm in and I hear her in the stair I'm trying to ignore it, same with checking to see if her car is there. It's difficult, I know I'll probably see her with her rebound at some point.

With regards to recycling I want to categorically say no. I think I know too much about BPD now to think it would work. That said, I still have feelings for her and sometimes think if I could point her in the right direction she could start to help herself. She knows something is up with her but as far as I know ahe can't put her finger on it. I feel it's such a waste for a girl like her who, when lucid, can be very amicable.

I understand the feeling of wanting to help them.

I feel for you in your somewhat paranoia over her in the stairs or looking for her car. It's no way to live. Would it be possible to lease your place to someone and you just temporarily relocate. Maybe she'll move away and someday you could move back in. Or after you've had some separation, maybe you will be more healed and could move back and it would bother you less.

I could never ever do what you're doing. I would lose my mind. lol

Good luck!

The more I read about BPD and the more I can link her behaviour to the traits of BPD the better I feel. I really cared for this girl but I have to be honest I was never completely duped into believing everything was smelling of roses, even in the idealization stage. It maybe came from more or less living with her from the start - she wasn't able to hide things from the get go.

I am considering leasing or at the very least getting a flatmate. Part of the problem is, and I've mentioned this in posts before, is she has been linked to my flat since day 1 so it's weird not having her around and being by myself knowing she is only feet away but probably texting (or worse) with her rebound.

For the first time in my life I have booked a session with a T tomorrow. I've realised through my BPD ex that there are issues at play within me that kept me hooked in this relationship. I'm nervous but also looking forward to speaking to a trained professional about this situation and the underlying issues surrounding it.

Yay Therapy! Good for you! 

Don't give up on therapy. You are not going to be healed after one session. Go for at least 6... .maybe more. I have been going for 18 months... .and I am starting to think I need a different therapist. But, there is so much value in figuring out what issues are at play within you that kept you hooked in the relationship. If you don't fix those now, it will simply reoccur in future relationships until you figure it out. So, you are best to figure it out now.

They say when you start dealing with issues related to your parents, that you are close to figuring it out. That's where I am at now. it's mind blowing and overwhelming. lol

Good luck! Keep posting here when you need to!