BPDFamily.com

I tried to get involved here back in May when I was reaching my breaking point but it was too late. By the end of July my BPD SO had completely lead to the destruction of my life and almost my death. I'm having an impossible time recovering and need help

Hi FFjay,

Welcome back. It sounds like you've had one big rollercoaster ride recently and are feeling that you are really struggling.

Would you like to post more about your circumstances?

What kind of help are you looking for?

Love Lifewriter

Thank you. Things got so bad that I eventually spend every ounce of life in me dealing with the girl I loved and trying to help her at the same time. I ended up losing my career that took me 13 years to achieve(my username is no longer accurate). Educated and became an unhealthy to such a point did I completely burned out and wasn't reacting properly anymore and the after the last fight we had towards the end of July she walked out. And I somehow knew she would never come back and the next day ate 40 1mg klonopin and ended up being in a coma for 6 days and in the hospital for almost a month.

So, you are a survivor, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

How are you feeling today?

Lifewriter x

I have been there! I pushed myself to total exhaustion with my ex BPD. The smoke is clearing for me now. You can do this! I felt like it was hopeless, but I now realize that I can make it. My borderline used me up. She was selfish and cold, only warming up when she needed saving. She was beautiful and fun, but she wrecked me! She was jealous and manipulative, she projected a double standard on me. In short she was all over the place!

So, you can look at this as a bad thing or be grateful that you survived her. I was a strong, confident person and I'm working my way back to that. If I can help let me know.

I'm feeling terrible everyday is getting worse. When I came home from the hospital after fighting for six days in a coma in two more weeks in hospital just to get back to her she was gone. All her things were gone from the apartment, she had blocked me on all social media, and won't return a call or a text. She literally deleted herself from my life and my feelings about her have never changed I still love her with all my heart. It's getting worse instead of better as time goes on because I feel like everyday that goes by is one day closer to ensuring I'll never see her again and I cry every day and most nights

Welcome back, FFJay.  Agree w/all above that a pwBPD can drive one over the brink.  I crash landed, too, after depleting myself physically, emotionally, and financially in a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW.  Not fun.  Yet I'm grateful, as Joel1290 suggests, that I survived and am now back on my path, which is a journey toward authenticity.

LuckyJim

Thank you Lifewriter16, Joe1290, and Lucky Jim,  

    Maybe I'm not conveying  how severely pained I am, and nearly unable to function right now or maybe I'm not conveying that I don't want to accept that she's gone. If it's at all possible I think I may need someone to contact me that is  knowledgeable on this type of situation. I think I'm nearly a crisis level depression and it's too hard to type through tears and it's exhausting right now. Thank you for replying

If I may suggest talking to a resource that you trust. I understand the point you are at and it takes time to work it out. Hang in there brother.

Thanks Joe1290, I definitely was not trying to imply that any of you weren't able to understand, I was really implying that Im having trouble expressing thing coherently or efficiently right now.

I am seeing a therapist (frequently) I guess I need someone who can relate? though... .

You can get through this! I know your hurting and its unimaginable what your now ex has done ... .And very hard to swallow right now. My ex contacted me 28 years later only to rip my heart out again. I wanted to die after she broke it off with me. She acted like it was nothing. That was the deepest cut of them all. When they show they don't care. Do you have family or friends that you can talk to? If you do talk and talk abou it a lot. That has helped me. My break was in September. I am doing much much better now bc I did my homework on this BPD. My ex was diagnosed Bipolar at 14 and her symptoms really didn't add up to 100%Bipolar. The Push/Pull I never knew about until I came across this great place. Then it all made sense! The puzzle pieces started to fit. You can do this. Rant on hear. Rant to your family your friends. Maybe make an apt to see a specialist not because anything is wrong with you, it's just to talk it out. Get mad. Get mad at her for the terrible things she put you through. That exactley what I did. After a while you don't want them back. And you know what one day you will find that "right person" for you. And your ex guaranteed will be alone. Hang in there!

I'm sorry to hear that things are getting worse, FFjay. As reality hits home and hope fades, it makes sense that you are feeling worse, even though it feels horrible, it is to be expected. Many of us here on BPD Family who have lost our partners, husbands, wives and girl or boyfriends to BPD, have at some point struggled to accept the reality that we were facing, have been in terrible, almost unbearable pain. Many have already found that it does get better eventually.  It's good that you have therapeutic support. I suspect grieving feels so much worse for men because they are brought up with the expectation that they must be the stronger sex, and in many cultures, this means not showing emotions. However, crying is an essential part of grieving, allow yourself to grieve without judging yourself. If it seems excessive (you suggest you may be hitting a critical depression) perhaps a visit to the doctor is in order.

In the meantime, we're hear to listen whilst you share the terrible pain you are feeling... .

Love Lifewriter

Thanks. I'm going to be on here a lot and trying to learn more... .  and survive. AlsoI'M ABOUT to alter my username  because my  my relationship status has changed since I created this account and I also lost the career that my user name refers to... .

Hi FFjay, I just wanted to say that many of us here have felt the same way and were in the same despair. I'm sorry to hear you're going through that right now. It's especially hard because in my experience, it just sucks all the energy out of us and we end up feeling worse because we feel like we can't do anything.

Like Lifewriter said, the sadness is an essential part of the grieving. Let yourself cry, it's an expression of your emotions. If need be, please talk with somebody in person or over the phone who can relate to you in real time. If you're not up to that now, feel free to express yourself here the best you can. This is a safe place where we are all trying to support each other. Hang in there and hugs to you.  

Hi Sopapilla,

I'm so sorry to hear that  I understand how hard that can be to get through the day when our depression has hit a crisis level. I sent you a number. Can I get to call the number and talk to a live person?

Hi Sopapilla

I was just reading through this post and have to say that I feel overwhelmed by the amount of love and compassion that is pouring out here.  Seems like a few of the regulars know you from the previous times you were posting, you must have made a strong impression because I see that everyone is pulling for you.  Looks like Mutt gave you a resource to use, we are fortunate to have others that reach out to us and friends to rely upon.

I can relate to your desperate feelings of pain.  There are no words to truly describe it and that makes it even harder when all we want is to be in communion with someone that can understand and help us soothe.

When I was in that much pain it was literally minute to minute, I just had to get by one more and was hoping that the next minute / hour / day would be easier than the last. 

At this level of intensity, it is hard to take anything in.  The mind becomes so fixated on the hurting and is unable to absorb other happenings.  One way to open up is to try some slow, relaxed deep breathing.  It doesn't take long to do and may help relax the acute awareness of the pain - even if just for a moment.

We have all been where you are at in varying intensities, and have come back out on the other side saying "it gets better" and it does. 

Keep posting

OH I FEEL YOUR PAIN. i wish I han some words of wisdom.  These people do mess us up. But I am sure glad you are alive.   Really glad. 

Thanks to everyone. I appreciate it. I still have so many questions . I need to take a break for a bit. I'm just depleted emotionally. I'll be back on soon. Thanks to all.                     

                            Jay

Ps -I absolutely loathe the name I was assigned.

                                                                                   

I purposely ran into twice and she has completely convinced herself that there was never anything between us . That or she is so disassociated From it . She looked at me like she never seen me before.

   Anyway, I continue to text her a couple times a week or email her or every once in awhile like try to call. she never responds to any of them. Will she come back if stop?

So I've now been crying for ov5er 24 hours straight and haven't eaten or slept in 3 days. This is getting worse with time not better.  I truly love her and she just disappeared. I never even got to say goodbye

I can understand how daunting all of this feels for you right now. Its important to take care of ourselves. How about getting something to eat and getting some rest? The board is here 24-7-365.

Here's a self-test for depression. It might help to see things in black and white:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0

It sounds like you need to take a trip to see the doctor. Lack of sleep can bring on a host of side-effects that affect your mental health, including paranoia.

I know you've been feeling dreadful recently. Are you willing to do this loving thing for yourself in trust that you are deserving of your own love?

Love Lifewriter

I scored a 68

No surprise there then. What are you going to do in response?

Lifewriter x

 Probably smoke cigarettes till noon. Run to my terrible job get there 10 minutes late looking like a dirty starving lunatic.

lol

Or do I detect that you're not really being funny? Seriously, what one thing could you do for yourself that would help you feel marginally better at this very moment?

Lifewriter

And ,thank you. I'm not trying to be difficult. I really don't want to feel like this. But you asked how I was going to react. And I know that's probably what ill. Do. I used to run into burning buildings and how I can't get off my couch. I just don't understand why she won't call me

The understanding will come in time. Until then, you need to find a way to get off the couch.

Have you heard of wellness tools? They are things that we can use when we feel depressed or otherwise mentally unwell or stressed that help us feel slightly better.

What one thing could you do that would make you feel slightly better now? It could be a shower, a walk, eating something (not eating can worsen depression - it makes me feel suicidal), brushing your teeth, going for a walk, doing something distracting like listening to music, it could be petting a dog, talking to a friend... .anything that you feel drawn to. The point is, it's only one little thing... .

And when you've done that one little thing and feel marginally better, perhaps you can do one more little thing... .

Lifewriter

I'm sorry, I'm wasting all your time and energy. I simply can't do any of those things. I was off today and didn't even go see my kids because I didn't want to go outside in the daytime. Filthy my eyes are burning from tears that I could hear hitting the floor and all I have left are pictures poems, and memories, that she lost. And every day we don't talk is another the more likely that we never will. And she's going to fall back into her old ways and get chewed up and spit out by the world again. And all I want it to hear her voice.  I'm sorry. I used to be such a good man. You promised me we're going to be together forever you get through anything together its not my fault that she forgot. And I keep my promises

Are you feeling suicidal today?

No I won't do that to my kids.

I'm glad to hear that.

It seems to me that you are a good man, you are simply in lots of pain. You seem to be going through a great deal of self doubt because of your breakup. You have developed depression and would benefit from seeing a doctor. The thing is, the fact she left you doesn't indicate that there is something wrong with you. The way she left indicates that there is something wrong with her (but you already know that). She has a serious mental illness which she is coping with in very destructive ways.

I have to go out now, it's nearly 8.30 am where I am and the day has to begin. Please consider ringing a friend or a helpline to talk to someone about how you are feeling.

Love Lifewriter

Well it seems that about 10 days shy of my SO completely  disappearing from my life; I have come out at the light end of a complete depression and possibly regained a little sanity, and hope. I'm glad that my near rock bottom I new I could come here for help because truthfully most people have no comprehension of what BPD(or most mental illness entail). I've had people I can talk to but when all lake and see if it turbulent relationship and no idea how it really affected you or your SO with BPD. As time wears on and they start to lose interest or understanding of why you're not snapping out of it. I'm so grateful that I had this place to come to for understanding compassion and non-judgmental talk. Thank you to every one loved and supported me over the last 12ish hours. You all provided compassion and true understanding that i simply wasn't receiving any where else; even in therapy.Even after giving in to despair I finally went back and re-read every article and watched every vodeo on this site. Even though I've read them all before (and made countless trips to the library and found every free medicle journal article on the internet. Something clicked tonight.

As I finally attempt to begin the healing process I promise to stay here for myself and anyone I might help or "just understand".  To to that I have to go sleep for the first time in 4 days so I regain the ability to type cohesive thoughts. I can't wait to read this tomorrow and see what came spilling out of my malnourished, sleep deprived, emotionally empty, bleary eyed self.

  Thank you Again to everyone who was there for me or contributes in any way to this FAMILY!

PS - I still love my SO for now, and ever. I just had to remember the true situation. It's gonna be OK.

I'm really glad to hear that you are pulling out of that desperate depression, jTrue426 

This site has been a lifesaver for everyone here, and I'm really happy that you are reading the links, watching the videos, sharing your story and reading others' stories, and finding it all to be helpful.

I have an adult (38) son who can swing into depression from time to time, and one thing I've seen is that as long as he is taking care of himself in healthy ways--and taking his medications and vitamins--he can sustain his wellbeing. When he starts to sink into a depression (usually due to girlfriend reasons), he seems to forget all of those healthy lifestyle things and that will drive his depression deeper. When he resumes his healthy eating, takes his meds, etc., he is well on his way out of that pit he was in.

I'm so happy to hear that you find yourself at the light at the end of that tunnel; keep up your self-care, and you should be stronger--even it it's in bits and pieces--sooner rather than later 

Acceptance of "what is" is a good starting point. It hurts. That's part of our life know. We will grow from it.



We are "family".

I have been feeling at my lowest points -what is the point in knowing I can be insanely happy sat on the top of a beautiful mountain with him enjoying nature-knowing he exists and that experience is possible but never being able to do it again -what is the point in that?

The above  paragraph is what I put on a thread at one of my lowest points -the love you felt seems just as intense and just as intense as everybody's on here -it helps to have support from people who actually have lived experience

I'm gradually reconnecting with my own source of love and light through as many healing / self caring activities possible -this site included

The pain I had at above point was horrific -and at one point literally felt like I had been wounded internally with blood pouring out my eyes -intense -intense as the love felt

I wish you well on your journey  *)

How you doing today Brother?

Things aren't getting any better. I've tried picking up the pieces and putting my life back together, but it seems to be too little too late. I'm working again but there isn't enough to sustain me nor help me provide for my children in the way I should. I'm still consumed by the loss of my ex and the yearning to just talk to her one more time. I most likely going to end up homeless within a few weeks and I can't find a way to dig myself out of the hole I've been left in

Hi there jTrue426,

Well done for everything you have done to put your life back together again and care for your kids. I know from first hand experience just how difficult it can be to carry on.

I hear that you are really anxious and you feel that you may not have done enough and you are worried that you may lose your home. However, I wonder if I might remind you that a few weeks ago, you felt you couldn't do anything at all. You've come a long way in a short period of time and I think you deserve to give yourself a pat on the back.

Getting over a BPD relationship can be a slow and painful process. It's okay to still be consumed by your ex and to want to see her one more time. It's a part of the process of grieving and letting go. The pain is normal in the circumstances, no matter how much you wish you weren't experiencing it. No one likes pain. Most people would prefer to avoid it than embrace it. Unfortunately, there are times when the only way is through it. Try to be kinder to yourself through this difficult time. You will get there.

Love

Lifewriter x