BPDFamily.com

So in my last post I wrote about how my undiagnosed BPD boyfriend broke up with me suddenly and left the house to go stay on a friend's couch.  (This is a male friend that he works with and has known since childhood).  My boyfriend was very angry with me when he left saying that I take away his happiness and he wants to be alone.  This happened about 10 days ago.  Since then he returned 3 days later to wash his clothes.  He then left again for the weekend.  This week he came back on Monday.  He seemed to be in a different mood.  He offered to go grocery shopping for me and he also greeted me with a huge hug and lifted me off the ground.  It is Wednesday now and he has been coming home every night.   

I have been keeping my distance and when he is not at home or at work I do not contact him at all.  When he is home I am very friendly to him, but I do not try to get his attention and I leave him alone for the most part.  I have also tried to make the house very inviting to him so he hopefully realizes how nice it is to be home.  He sleeps on the couch, but he has been hugging me tightly all the time, being very friendly towards me and even flirtatious.  Yesterday he wanted to watch "our show" together.  I thought we were getting somewhere, but now I am confused.  He just told me five minutes ago that he plans on going back to stay at his friend's house tomorrow!     I just said ok.  He then said he can maybe stay at home one more night.  He is now currently laughing and joking around with me.

I don't know how much longer I can take this or if I am doing the right thing by giving him this much space.  Does he want me to ask for him to come back? I don't know how to ask him what he really wants because I don't think he knows himself.  The holidays are coming up and I'm afraid I'm still going to be dealing with this.  I want him to come back for good, but I'm exhausted from playing this game and starting to feel like I want to give up  :'(   I feel like somehow everything I do and say to him is "wrong".   

What a horrible position to be in. It sounds like you are trying very hard to be non-judgemental and patient.

It's hard to know what they want. Is he "punishing" you? Pushing you away? Waiting for you to "prove" somehow that you want him? Or just trying to be in control? I've no idea.

Possibly you are sending mixed messages. You are friendly when he is there, but you don't have a lot of contact - you say you leave him alone a lot. Perhaps he's waiting for you to show him that you want him? He tells you he's gonig away again you just say "ok" - he may be unsure how you feel.

What do YOU want? Can you express what you want in a non-demanding way? Even telling him your dilema may help "I'd prefer if you didn't go. I really want you here, I love you. I sense you may want space at the moment, and if you need it - then I can understand you going away for a few nights. I don't want to pressure you to be here if you can't. Perhaps we can talk about what you're feeling and a plan for you to move back in?"

Maybe even it's time to have some boundaries. I'm not sure what they are - ultimatums don't work. But to me - the boundary is "I'm going to live my life. I'd prefer you to be a part of it - I really enjoy your company - but if you are not here then i am going to keep enjoying life myself". That removes the "control" he may have - you are showing that you value him, but him not being there isn't "hurting" you.