BPDFamily.com

Hi, 

I'm an adult child of a BPD mother and NPD father, very low contact because it just doesn't feel safe. I am seeking advice, suggestions, resources, and experience about how to allow myself to feel my feelings and express my feelings. I'm specifically looking on how to allow myself to feel/express my anger toward my parents, (not with them there) in a safe environment, without neutralizing them, or numbing them out. Thank you in advance.

SP

Hi seeking peace and welcome. I started my journey out in therapy and a recovery group for codependency when I was a teenager. Today I work a recovery program for adult children, see a therapist and am currently reading the book surviving a borderline parent. Have you had an opportunity to look at any of the book recommendations yet?

Hello SP,

If I were to guess, you probably grew up in a very invalidating household where you were told how to feel, either by word or action, not feeling safe to be yourself apart from your parents' moods.

How long have you been out of the home, and what led you to go LC?

Turkish

Thank you for the welcome. I've been to CODA meetings, but found them to be depressing. I went many years ago to ACoA meetings but it hit home way too much before I was ready to face it. I need to find some ACoA meetings and go back. Thanks for the idea. I've read "Surviving a Borderline Parent". It was fantastic. Unfortunately a lot didn't sink in, as I always shut down when I read stuff like that. It's hard to explain. Maybe once my therapist helps me break through with getting my feelings out, I'll be more apt to read stuff? Did you have that kind of experience as well? Yes I have looked at the book recommendations but wasn't really sure which to start at. Perhaps I'll pick up Surviving a Borderline Parent again.

Hi Turkish. Yes, it was an extremely invalidating household. Yes, I was told basically how to feel, how not to feel, to stop feeling, I'm too sensitive, if my feelings were wrong, that my feelings didn't matter in the least, or made them feel bad so I was bad for having them and expressing them, and to basically focus on only my parents' feelings and helping them to fix them, if that meant validating their feelings repeatedly, or doing something different to change their feelings. I am still very hyperviligant because of that.

I never felt safe to be myself apart from my parents' every whim of a mood. I was raised by two very sick children in adult bodies. It was a very confusing childhood.

I want to learn how to stop getting stuck in "numb" whenever I try to talk about them in therapy.


I've been out of the home for 20 years. However, it was still really bad when I was out of the home and first married. It's hard to explain. I guess my mother was having abandonment issues or something? She called me constantly to try to control my life from a far. I was her scapegoat child, and she needed someone to control every second because she was so out of control. She drove me insane. I was in sheer terror that she was going to drive to my husband's and my apartment, break down the door or convince the landlord to give her the key, corner me and rage at me.


It wasn't based on one incident. It was their extreme pattern of continuing emotional abuse and insanity. It was suggested to me a couple of times by a therapist, but I felt like a bad daughter to do that. And the therapist didn't push it. I also could not communicate to the therapist the sheer terror I felt at the thought of her reaction if I went low or no contact. When I had left home, and used to visit my parents, I'd have all these expectations that things would go well because I was an adult now. I would always drive home hysterically crying, not understanding why they were still treating me badly. I took it all personally, because no one had the guts to tell me point blank that my parents were sick, insane, and abusive. Or maybe they tried to but I couldn't hear it, I don't know. Point is, it was really effecting my health so finally a more seasoned therapist was very direct with me about going low/no contact for my own mental health and so I could gain progress in therapy.

We had emails and phone calls still--I just couldn't do NC, they're my parents--but it took a while for me to learn not to feel guilty if I didn't allow myself to get dragged into their latest rage, rant, drama, etc. Over the last few years they've been pretty good with keeping emails normal. Phone calls are holidays only, but those are hard because they often just talk my ear off, make me extremely tense, talk completely over me, interrupt me every second, as if I am back to just being their venting board. I'm still not that good with phone boundaries. The last time I ended a phone call with my dad using the excuse "Ok dad I have to go get dinner ready", I could feel his utter pain in my doing that.

Our last visit I think they really did try to be normal, but they just couldn't help themselves. It went horribly wrong, in both words, expectations, and actions on their part.

The book is hard to read but I think it's important.

I have a normal amount of contact with my parents but being in an enclosed space with my mom really triggers me. I just go outside and I'm fine.

I wrote a thread about projectile guilt but nobody responded.

I find it helpful to write about triggering subjects.

Thank you for stating that so directly. You're right. I will try to read it again. Every time I read it, I got too triggered and shut down.

Wow that's cool you have a normal amount of contact with your parents.

I've yet to tell my therapist how just physically being around with my mom sets off feelings of trauma in me. I get what you're saying about an enclosed space. My mom's worst rages to me were in the car, and in my bedroom. I could never figure out why I was such a stressful driver, and that's why. The last time she visited me, I think she sensed my anxiety around her, which made her anxious or whatever a pwBPD feels, and so our visits just are never good. I'm always tense. I feel trapped and scared and not safe in the least, even as a grown adult.

Hmm maybe no one responded to the projectile guilt post because they didn't experience it themselves? I'm having major guilt after sharing a memory from childhood about my mother with my therapist, so I'll go look at your thread and see if it's something I can respond to.

UPDATE: I can't find your projectile guilt thread. Could you post a link? Thanks.

Projectile guilt means my mom projected her guilt on to me. I'll see if I can find it :)

Ah, it's called the need to grieve, sorry :) let me know if you find it.

I don't recall every reading something like that... .do you mean our moms actually felt guilty about being bad mothers, and that made them abuse use even more?

Thanks Unicorn. I'm a bit technologically challenged. I went to your member name, did a custom google search, but only a workshop on guilt came up.

Yes

I'm sorry I can't copy and paste, I'm on my phone right now. It's on the coping board. Kwamina replied so it should be towards the top.

Hi Unicorn,

I found it and replied. :-)

SP