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It's been a year since I split with my ex who is undiagnoised BPD.

I still have to have minimal contact as we have a daughter together so It's fair to say this year has been horrific for me trying to come to terms with the breakdown of this decade long roller coaster relationship & I am still finding it hard some days whilst she is seemingly happy now in her new relationship with the new man she had been seeing for years whilst we were still together (either sexually or just emotionally IDK).

So I saw her this morning & she seemed very happy & content & was going to a help group for addiction, now whilst I'm happy she is trying to get better & become a better person etc it kind of makes me think why didn't she want to get better whilst she was with me? I took so so much ___ from her for a decade yet now she has a new man she wants to become a good person?

If she had have been that good person with me maybe we would still be living together as a family etc. it's gets me thinking maybe I was the problem after all.

All that said I do hope she gets better for the sake of our daughter.

Hi Read ,

It hurts yes it does ... .

You wrote :

it's gets me thinking maybe I was the problem after all.


No you ARE not the problem , the extreme selfishness and the lack of common sense and empathy ,and how good actors they can be , causes you to feel that , we all felt at one time and asked ourselves  was it me ?

She also hurts in her own way but you only see what you see  !

Feeling the blame on you , is a part of the healing process , it will soon change ... .Good luck to you !

Hi reachingoutuk,

*welcome*

I'm sorry to hear that. You were together for a decade and it felt like an emotional rollecoaster and you have been split for a year? I completely understand how painful that feels when our significant others have an emotional and / or physical affair.

Was your relationship witgh you uBPD ex tumultous for all of 10 years? Were things great in the beginning and maybe you saw irritional and unstable behavior peek through the cracks?

A criterion for BPD is a history of unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships and a history of broken relationships. Often there is concurring alcohol and substance abuse with BPD and most often the substance abuse is treated before tackling BPD. Is she getting help for herself for her mental health?

Hey 

Welcome to the group!

It would be so painful to witness apparent changes that you had hoped for and wished for during your marriage. I know this day will come for me and I am not looking forward to it. I am sorry for your pain... .but you are in good company here.

She can't offer him anything more than what she offered you. Remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. What do people post on facebook? Only the good stuff. She is only posting the good stuff outwardly.  She's not going to let on when things aren't going well.

While I do think there is value in self reflection and self improvement- I doubt her actions are a result of a miraculous recovery in a new relationship... .and I don't think its "you." To affect that kind of actual change in the behavior of a person with BPD, they quite literally need intensive outpatient therapy that they are extremely dedicated to. If she hasn't been getting help like that, then I highly doubt this is some sort of metamorphosis that would have resulted in lasting improvement for your marriage.

She's not giving him something that she didn't give you. She's not miraculously better. She might be mirroring or projecting... .but without serious help, she's still exactly the same person she was.

Stay strong... .focus on yourself. I have become an addict of self-improvement. I am hyper-focused on figuring out my problems for good so that I can be a better mother, daughter, and a better romantic partner if I ever decide to do that again.