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Title: Distorted Perception Post by: bpd mother 51 on November 19, 2015, 10:05:40 PM So I just had an interaction with my husband(BPD), and my 81 yr old father. My father said something to my husband in gest to be playful, which is his usual personality. My husband got angary at my dad's silly play on words. My dad said he was just being playful and left the room. I told my husband that his treatment of my father was not ok. After a few minutes my husband told me his reasoning for his behavior. Even though I could not believe that my husband actually believed what he said, I did the validation of his feelings. I did it with my mind focused, and completely pushing a way the thought, "you must really be out of your mind to have that perception". It was not easy. Unfortunately as the conversation went on, I eventually said, "That whole story you told to try to justify your behavior, guess what? It NEVER happened." I also said, "You are completely irrational." I guess I failed that validation attempt, ya think?
Title: Re: Distorted Perception Post by: Kwamina on November 20, 2015, 06:47:13 AM I guess I failed that validation attempt, ya think? Well we can't be perfect all the time can we :) I think it's also how you look at things. Dealing with people with BPD can be quite challenging and most if not all of us aren't born with the knowledge and skills required to do this. This is something we learn as we go along often through a process of trial and error. We can learn from our errors and so in the long run transform them into a catalyst for success. Validation isn't easy with someone who has high validation needs. With validations it's important to keep in mind to validate the valid (and only the valid): Excerpt Let's first look at the importance of being true and authentic to ourselves. If we can't be true and authentic, we are sacrificing ourselves for the benefit of another, and we are most likely enabling another person's dysfunction. This helps no one. For these reason, validation is never about lying, it is not about being ruled by the emotions of others, and it is not letting people "walk all over us". We never want to validate the “invalid”. Validating someone's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs does not necessarily mean we agree, overall, with what they are thinking, or feeling, or with their behavior. Do you feel like there was anything in your husband's behavior and experience that you were able to sincerely validate? Do you feel like you were validating the valid here or possibly something invalid? Title: Re: Distorted Perception Post by: lbjnltx on December 04, 2015, 09:04:42 AM The urge to inject reality into the irrational thoughts/feelings of our disordered loved ones can be so very strong that we sometimes can't curb it! ... .That is why we have the SET technique. (https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm) :)
It allows us to have a voice of support, empathy (that can be expressed as validation) and the truth so as not to validate the invalid. Title: Re: Distorted Perception Post by: twojaybirds on December 08, 2015, 10:44:09 AM Been there done that!
I am learning to stop continuing conversations just to prove my point. You validated his feelings... then stop. Not that it is easy but stopping takes more courage and strength than continuing. I have been practicing this with my uBPD husband and am finding more and more that when I take that high road our relationship is better. When I stop trying to get the last word/make him understand/change his perception it all goes sour. Those simple statements then moving on without any emotional anger etc are working well. Oh and a great cocktail or two with a girlfriend doesn't hurt either |