BPDFamily.com

Hi, All.

It is known that ppl suffering from BPD will engage in risky behavior. In my case, my wife is engaging in risky sexual behavior.

I'm a little confused about setting boundaries. If BPD sufferers engage in this type of activity then is it even reasonable to set a boundary they don't care about or are unable to stop themselves from engaging in?

     We have a four-year old that loves both of us and I know our split would be bad for him. But at the same time, I'm just not sure I can live with this situation. She is going to do just about whatever she wants to do regardless of the damage and I am unable to hold her accountable. I feel like she is manipulating the circumstance to justify her actions. When she is going out and hanging with her single girlfriend, I get a shred of affection when she is leaving which makes it even worse bc I know she is going out to get affection from a stranger. Otherwise, I get no affection from her at all. The only time she really grants me a smile is when she wants something she knows she shouldn't buy like a $200 pair of jeans. This is a pattern with her.

      Leaving and taking care of my son would be tough financially. Plus, she decided now since she makes more money that we needed a divorce. She has saddled us with debt and now she is unhappy and wants out. Her wanting a divorce is her goto solution for everything. I am the one initiating therapy for her, getting her a diagnosis for meds, telling her about her appts. Nothing would happen otherwise yet I am resented for trying to stabilize her and create an environment that is good for my son. I'm not sure if thats even possible. How do you create boundaries with someone who devalues you?

Sorry to hear - this is a tough situation.

Regarding your question about boundaries - I'm no old-timer/expert here, but my take is setting a boundary isn't ultimately to control or change someone else's behavior - it's to protect yourself.  It's stating, hopefully in a calmer moment, what actions you plan to take in certain situations to protect yourself, and following through.

Things like:

If you resort to name-calling or yelling, I will leave the discussion/room for 30 minutes.

If you are physically violent or threatening, I will call the police/leave the house.

If you spend (x) amount of money, I will not give/loan you any further until next payday.

If you sleep with other people, I won't be intimate with you until you are tested for STD/at all/I am leaving relationship.

It's just identifying behaviors you can not tolerate and determining what actions you need to take to protect yourself from them. They are different for everybody.

Oh brother.  I feel you!  My ex has had the clap a few times, pubic lice, etc., etc., and has engaged in unsafe sex more often than not.  He was hospitalized with the clap once - it was that bad - and they did a psych consult and decided he needed to be admitted for help with sex addiction and substance abuse. They diagnosed him with everything under the sun EXCEPT the BPD.  The BPD would have explained everything, and yes, BOUNDARIES are critical here.  I'll share a bit and maybe it might help:

Anyway, during our relationship, he cheated on me at least once that I know of, and repeatedly attempted to cheat on me AT HIS JOB.  After we split up, he immediately sexually harassed several of his coworkers, but, because they're male, he wasn't immediately fired.  (If they had been female, he would've been arrested for the kinds of things he did!)  He has cheated on EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. he has ever dated.  None of them know about it, except me, because I'm the first relationship he's ever had that was of any real substance.  The reasons he cited for leaving me were stupid, of course, but he said he's too young (um, late 20's isn't that young) and "needs" to experience sex with certain "types" of people (porn star types), and that people aren't naturally monogamous and blahhhhh blah blah blah blah.  It made me feel so bad about myself!  So, ultimately, it wasn't worth it to try to hold on.

The reasons they do this are complicated.  Sex addiction? Absolutely, sure. But also, and primarily, the need for validation.  If you feel like you're worthless, you're probably not going to feel very good about your looks.  If you're no longer idealizing your partner, then you're going to want to look for people who can validate your physical attractiveness. The thinking is:  "If I can attract the person I objectify, then I am as attractive as I believe that person is."

As for boundaries?  Well, unless you're okay with an open relationship, you're probably going to have to make one of those all-or-nothing decisions, because I guarantee you the behaviors won't stop.  If they're battling BPD with co-morbid sex addiction, there's simply nothing that can be done except honor an open relationship.  The problem with open relationships with people with BPD, though, is that the emotional betrayal will be inevitable and you'll lose them, anyway.   Also, bear in mind, even if you're okay with an open relationship, you're probably going to need to start using protection, because the impulsive side of BPD accommodates and encourages unsafe sex with strangers, not to mention the accompanying lying about it. Is staying with someone with BPD worth risking both your mental AND physical health? No. It isn't. So the boundary for me would be: "You cheat on me again, and we're over."

I think Creativum summarized the situation perfectly. If you are aware of your wife's risky sexual behavior, what you aren't aware of is most likely riskier still.

I finally left my dBPDxgf after she gave me an STD. They don't change as long as they don't have a reason to change.

Your wife has already violated her vows to you and her obligations to your child. To answer your original question, "How do you set boundaries for someone who has violated all previous boundaries?" Short answer: you can't.

Thank you to everyone. This is concrete feedback that I need right now to help me navigate.  |iiii