BPDFamily.com

I posted last night and I got some replies that have given me a bit of a reality check,mainly by fixer mom which I am grateful for,I broke down as her words really hit me hard but it was what was needed. There are moments when I think I have pd due to my behaviour,in part I feel bad the way I have conducted myself,mainly I have acted to the best of my ability with integrity and have barely spoken about my relationship. I feel disappointed in myself that I said hurtful things and there was intention to cause pain,as I was told hurt people hurt others. I've read so many stories where you guys are able to control your anger and act in a way which is a credit,all I wanted was to be able to talk and understand. Not quite sure how to begin processing everything 

Yes most of my emotions since they breakup have been anger and a crushed ego.  There were a few times in the past 8 months that I got drunk and fired off nasty emails, all this really did was play into her smear campaign and probably gave her the feeling that I still love her or would want her back, which would never happen EVER!  If I could do it all over again I would have disappeared off the face of the planet without saying a word.

I can relate. I wasn't proud of fighting with my ex wife in our marriage and  in the first few months of separation.  I said things that I wasn't proud of too. I got drunk shortly after she left me and there was a period were I was really hurt, angry and felt resentful. I think that what helps is not being hard on ourselves and take what we can learn from our experiences and move forward.

I think you can start anywhere that you feel like to start processing things. It sounds like you haven't spoken much to family and friends about your relationship?

This is all quite natural and understandable. It is tough to think about the feelings of others when you yourself have been so badly hurt. In fact, that's pretty much BPD behavior in a nutshell, and why nobody typically wins in these relationships.

Hang in there. It will get better. Hopefully looking at your own behavior can help provide some insight into your pwBPD's actions, but definitely don't beat yourself up too hard. Dealing with a pwBPD is never an easy task for even a trained therapist, and certainly not for those of us who were caught completely unprepared.

I haven't spoke a great deal to anyone,we share mutual friends and in all honesty I didn't want to make them feel awkward or speak badly of my ex. You seem to have a good grasp on everything mutt,I too want to get to that place,what little I have said to my friend is the response of forget her and don't waste your breath any longer. We were all mutual friends and since our separation she seems to have distanced herself from nearly everybody. I hope you can understand that I want to find the right things to say but there is no right combination I can say. I'd like to reclaim my self respect and at the same time no contact is incredibly difficult.

I'm not proud of so many things.  First, when the raging started and I had no idea what was going on, when logic didn't seem to work to get through to him, I'd find myself raging back in hopes of getting heard.  Then, it was leaving my home.  For years I had a packed bag in my car with work clothes, pj's, toothbrush, etc. for the nights I'd have to leave.  I had to do that dozens of times.  I'm not proud of the fact that I still didn't have boundaries around this.  I'd just come back, hope another one wasn't coming and tread even lighter on the eggshells.

I now know that 5-6 years ago when he began accusing me of cheating on him, he was in fact in a year long affair with a "friend" of mine.  At that time, no way would it have occurred to me to even THINK about cheating on him.  Years of wearing me down with these accusations and my own immersement in the FOG  was what in part led to me sitting him down a year and a half ago and telling him that I was tired of never having my emotional needs met, and he promised to make changes to do that.  When nothing changed, I'm most ashamed of the fact that I did pursue an emotional affair.  I truly wish I could turn back time and make a different choice as it's simply NOT who I am nor who I want to be.  I did come clean (took him another 6 months to come clean on his own affairs) and ended the affair hoping that this time, he really meant he'd be there for me.  Of course, it didn't happen.

One of the things in my healing I struggle with the most is forgiving myself for these things.  I'm working on it, though.

A good thread.

Yes I did.

I said and did some things which I deeply regret.

I recognise that some of this happened under very difficult circumstances, but I said and did things which were very hurtful and destructive.

I'd like to think I'm a lot more self aware now and I'd either control myself or walk away, but I made plenty of mistakes.

I'm ok to own my part in what happened and learn from the experience,

Reforming

My God, yes. I went to embarrassing lengths to find out what was going on when she left. I couldn't trust her words and felt like I needed to know what she was doing.

I went to the extent of hacking her phone and installing a spying app to see her texts and whatnot. It was painful. She discovered the app and it obviously pushed us further apart.

I'm really embarrassed I acted in a manner inconsistent with who I really am. But, that's the emotional state I was left in. She may use that to paint me as a crazy stalker or something. I don't really care tho. I did it. I take responsibility for my actions.

I'm confident that my ex had such an app on my phone too but I was never able to find it.  He knew things he shouldn't have known (like going out for dinner with a girlfriend one night) that only that friend and I knew after exchanging texts. 

It's good to know we have all done regrettable things,not just me,of course we are all responsible for our actions,however in such circumstances I know i turned into a person I'm not proud of. I suppose I wish I'd have taken the moral high ground but the anger I felt just brewed up inside to the point where I verbally exploded via texts. I wish I'd never said some of the things I said because it played into the victim mentality she had and still has and only served to reinforce that belief by those who act as enablers to her. It's just awful where we try to be thoughtful and giving and get burned for it and when we snap we end up feeling bad,it truly is a no win situation.