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I dated my ex for a little over a year and she hid the fact that she had BPD. She woukd talk about her bad childhood and say she was damaged. She would ask why I love her the way I do. She'd say it's hard for her to understand why I love her. She'd frequently ask if I was going to break up with her. Being naive about mental health I just thought she was very insecure. She even dropped a hint once about being borderline when the Madonna song came on the radio. She said she could relate to that. I was clueless what borderline was and didn't pursue it.

She wanted me to move in with her. As I said in another thread she was having episodes where she would panic when she was alone at home. At the time I didn't understand it. I didn't know she had a mental illness. I now realize that her isolation was extremely traumatic for her. I don't know the extent of the trauma. She may have even lost touch with reality when having these episodes. Sometimes I'd get a text that she can't stay in her apartment one more minute and she'd drive the two hours to me.

I think she was afraid to discuss her mental illness with me because if the fear I'd reject and abandon her. Yet ae t the same time she wanted me to move in where I'd no dobut find out the her emotional issues were much more than what I perceived them to be.

Up until the last week of our relationship she became more and more frantic about me moving in. To do so woukd require me to find work closer to her. It's not something that one can just impulsively do. In total she gave me three 1/2 months to find work in her area. Not a whole lot of time.

Up until the end there were two narratives in our relationship. There was the love we shared and the communication that went with it. Her telling me she loved me so much and that she wanted to spend her life with me and then the other side if her that would get very depressed about me not being with her every day.

The day after she told me she wanted to marry me and that I still give her butterflies she went back to her ex. Not only that she moved him in. One of her reasons was that he has seen her at her worst.

I look at it now and I see that she was obviously going through some severe mental issues about being alone at h at her apartment. But I also think she felt that if I found oout about ger BPD that I woukd abandon her. And that reality where she had no one at all to stay with her was a total nightmare.

I assume her ex knows about her BPD and that now that he's there it removes her greatest fears. He won't ever leave her and he'll be there every night.


Afterwards she told me that she loves me so much she has to force herself to stop thinking of me but that she stands by her decision. She says I didn't listen to her desperate cries.

But, if I knew about her BPD I woukd have understood that the cries were desperate.

Jimmy,

I'd recommend reading through and then posting your story on the "Leaving" board. You will find a lot more insight, answers and support over there.

From my perspective, your story sounds very much like mine and the tens of thousands of other experiences shared on this site. Specifically, my ex hid her BPD diagnosis until late in our relationship, and I believe the only reason she disclosed it to me was as a "last ditch" effort to keep me from leaving. (She was in tears, and showed me the flash cards her therapist had given her to prove how hard she was working to get better, blah, blah, blah... .)


This is unsurprising. PwBPD often cheat right before or right after major r/s milestones (moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, etc.) A lot has to do with their fear of engulfment.


I would recommend avoiding assuming anything about what her ex does or doesn't know. PwBPD tend to be very manipulative and often lie. She very easily could've been dating this guy the whole time she was dating you and telling him exactly the same things she was telling you. Beware of anything your BPD ex says to you. Look at her actions, not her words to discern clues as to her motives.

Sorry to hear about all this. Just know you are not alone. I strongly recommend posting on the "Leaving" board for answers and support.

Hi jimmy99,

I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time.   I understand how you can be hard on yourself not knowing about BPD beforehand. I was fully aware of my boyfriend's mental health history and did not think that he suffers from BPD.


This is almost verbatim what my boyfriend has said to me in the past. PwBPD tend to have poor self-esteem and self-loathing. The origin of that comes from childhood.  PwBPD tend to be raised in environments where they were invalidated. Invalidating caretakers have a tendency to reinforce the suppression of emotions, (telling the child to stop crying), an averse reaction to the child's emotions (yelling at the child for having an emotion), ignoring the child's emotions, etc. Many times in an invalidating environment, there are instances of verbal abuse, poor parenting, and shaming of the child. One of the core emotions for poor self-esteem/self-loathing is shame or a feeling of inadequacy.  A person who has so much shame believes that they are unworthy or unlovable.  One of the biggest fears for someone who suffers from shame is for another person to see their imperfections and flaws. Many times a person will put up a façade, while underneath they are hurting inside.  


Being alone is tough for someone who has abandonment fears. Abandonment fears are one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD.  For a person who has a very hard time controlling their intense emotions, has so much shame/guilt/self-loathing, and engages in impulsive or avoidance behaviors, being by themselves can be a living nightmare. Then there is the concept of object permanence. PwBPD can issues with object permanence (out of sight, out of mind). It is like they believe once you not physically present, you don't exist or won't come back.

Abandonment fears are very real for someone who suffers from them. I have struggled with abandonment fears for the majority of my life. Once the feelings associated with abandonment emerge, it is almost an instinctual response for survival. You become overwhelmed with anxiety. I have been really needy and clingy when this has happened in the past.  


It is a catch-22. Underneath all the maladaptive behavior, a pwBPD really just wants to be understood and loved. On the other hand, they are afraid of you seeing how "damaged" they are because that may mean you will leave them. The BPD label is very stigmatizing.

My boyfriend will list all of the diagnostic criteria for BPD that pertain to him, told me that he was diagnosed with a personality disorder, tells me that he is Bipolar type II, but never mentions BPD. I understand why he does not tell me because the disorder has a bad stigma attached to it.  When the disorder is likened to sociopathic and psychopathic behavior, it is understandable.


Abandonment fears really do not go away without therapy, they can be assuaged for brief amounts of time.


You cannot be held accountable for her behavior and nor can you save her. She is the only one that can save herself. You did not know about her illness because she did not disclose that to you.  Unless you are telepathic, there was no way for you to know. Essentially, it is her not taking responsibility for her behavior and making you feel guilty through projection.

Do you feel responsible for what happened?

my exwBPD said pretty much the same asked the same questions why did I love her so much or it's not you it's me... or anything to make herself feel small... I know her biggest issue is her weight and how her wish to be thin... I told her many of times and I do mean it if I did not love her this much I would of not dealt with all of this with her... she said many of times the most resent on Nov 28th she said to me she was looking for a 2 bedroom apartment so I can have my own room and she can have one (before it was 1 br) and she said for "US" now a 2 bedroom in NYC you are talking like $4900 a month... that's crazy... I can't seem to get this girl away from her mother's home I had to do a lot of validating with her fears many of times shes held my hand in the car and like Nov 28th she held my hand... I kept it away because she said she just wanted friends so I figured no touching but she said if you just want to home my hand just do it and she just grabbed it.  No kissing but she massaged my neck which was nice but every once in awhile she will be like lets get a apartment together... I obvious make more money than her and she has a pretty bad shopping habbit when she gets depressed.

I know when we were in the honeymoon phase she wanted me to take control of her and not have her just buy stuff... but that was way before I did research on BPD.