BPDFamily.com

 My partner is diagnosed with BPD and we are in a long distance relationship. We have already been together for a year and broke up due to my neglect and unawareness of his diagnosis. After some months he told me that he is Borderline and would like us to try again. This time I did my best to be a perfect partner, and everything was going very well, but now all of a sudden, for a month, he is giving me the silent treatment for no reason. Previously, I know that he was experiencing anxiety and depression and I really wanted to be there for him, but he completely shut me off…After a month of tolerating the silent treatment, I finally texted and said that I believe we should talk and he said ok, I will call you, but a week already passed and he didn’t, so I’m not really sure what to do? And if he calls, what to expect? Never dealt with a borderline before, please help!

Hello JS,

Silent treatment can be as hurtful as blatant verbal abuse. It's a form of control over the Other (see here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0) for more).

It's especially difficult given that you are long distance. It's hard to know what's really going on. Have you been reading up on BPD to learn more about the disorder?

Turkish

Turkish, thank you for you reply. I have read a lot, but I am still confused since I don't know much about my partner's specific diagnosis except that he is the "quiet Borderline" (because he refuses to talk about it) and everything I have read still doesn't answers my question- should I try harder to push him to talk or just hope he will call and somehow explain why did the silent treatment happen for a month for no reason at all... .

Jenny, it sounds like you and I have similar partner types, so I can empathize with the confusion and hurt you may be feeling... .In what I used to call his "Stonewall Mode" (before we learned his diagnosis and I began learning about BPD and understanding that this was not actually punishment with forethought on his part) my guy could spend weeks without speaking, emailing, or smoke-signaling an unessesary word... .holed up in his home office with the door closed, refusing to communicate even for critical work purposes or regarding important social invitations, and even wearing headphones (sometimes even obviously disconnected ones) when in common areas of the house to make sure it's clear he wasn't only not speaking to me, he wasn't listening either! It was absolutely brutal. He is in inpatient treatment now and we are barely starting to address how to move forward with our relationship/communication, so please take that info into account with my response: I'm no expert nor success story.

I'm not sure if I can offer you what I think you're looking for, which is a concrete solution; and I think most on these boards would point you toward the "Stop the Bleeding" and "Communication Strategies" links to help you get started working out one on your own between the two of you (or three of you, if yoiu have a T) since from what I can see from my very limited start in learning DBT skills is that they can help but they're no one size fits all.

Before my partner's full  breakdown, we had success working through the Stonewall most often when I offered radical space. Like, me taking a night or two away worked at first, but eventually only getting HIM entirely out of our shared environment worked. But then it ALWAYS seemed to, and sometimes something as small as an afternoon away (and generally involved in an activity) was enough.

Now At the time we thought he was dealing "only" with complicated Depression & Anxiety, so I apologize if talking about our actions like this might sound clinical or cold but since we figured it out by doing mood and behavior tracking I guess that's just how it sounds. :) Anyway, I don't mean in any way to suggest that what (sorta) worked for my pwBPD will work for yours, but rather wanted to share that by working together you could find out what MIGHT.

Even before my pwBPD, his T, or I undeerstood  he was BPD, he couldn't identify or express his own moods or needs properly, y'know? So I think that *for him* , the silent treatment was at least more a way for him to try and ask for what he didn't know how to express than a punishment for me, regardless of how I experienced it.

Whether you should give more space or press for interaction: IMHO that is an answer only the two of you can answer together, cuz every person and every couple is different. I've only been using them with my pwBPD for about a month but the advice in the "Stop the Bleeding" link and "Validation" thread in particular have been very helpful for me and my pwBPD compared to our previous interactions. I wish you both the best of luck and hope you'll keep us updated on how y'all are doing and feeling!

hiya sweetie my boyfriend and i have the same issue, he has BPD and we are in a long distance relationship, my boyfriend can go months without saying a word to me, i understand how this leaves you feel hurt, i am here if you would like someone to talk to, if i find something helpful i will gladly share it with you i hope you would do the same   

My exgf who I suspect is borderline used ST a lot. Usually when she was mad or didn't get her way. Sometimes it would last for hours but more often than not it would be days into weeks. It hurt me so much. Usually it would be on her terms that we would start talking again. Even that would take a sit down meeting where she would tell me what I was doing wrong. Or she'd say I make her so mad she shuts down. Of course I didn't understand whet it was until I learned of BPD weeks after breakup. The funny thing is when we talked and I asked her not to do it anymore she would say she would work on it lol... .She never did. To me it's the worst form of punishment for a NON.

Thank you all so much for your support and advice. Honestly, it's been a month and ten days now, and my plan is to give him a couple of days more and then either call or text, and make my last effort to talk to him... .If he ignores me once more, then I have no choice but to move on. This is an extremely selfish act, because no matter what is the issue, he could have just said I need some space for myself, I will be gone for some time, but just disappearing like this, with no explanation or reason is awful. And if this is actually a ST as a mean of breaking up, it is a truly cowardly move.