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Over 90 days nc, this week was her birthday i didnt text call or write to her. ... she is well on her way to a new relationship... .I made the mistake of checking her FB she doesn't put her replacement on fb but had removed us completely. ... .well checking her fb made me break down. ... my life seems like it's falling apart slowly i keep thinking about her popping up in the future... .I have so much regret and embarrassment  that I asked her to be my wife. ... I pulled out all the stops... .reality is hitting me hard ... .work has suffered my own mental health has gotten better with time... .I am not really sure where i go from here but my anger came back this week... .life really is hard sometimes  I feel like this year has been one to forget... .my roller coaster is over but my new life is a everyday struggle... .one day she will be a pleasant reminder i can get through the worst. ... change has been tough to deal with... .kinda rambling but i guess if I see where I came from to where I am today i should be proud... .she was so beautiful and had such a good side to her but when u look at the entire family and all off her. ... I was alone then and i continue to be alone today. ... .hey there's hope I guess but there's growth to do... .I thought i would be married in a few months now I'm just trying to survive the assault on my heart and my confidence. ... I need to respect myself again... .happiness can t come before respect... .thanks for listening

I'm right there with you.  I would like to forget this year as well.  This might be the toughest year of my life to date for a variety of reasons.  If only I could roll back time.  Hang in there man and try to stop yourself from checking up on her. 

Sorry about what you are going trough and also thank you for sharing with us!

That's very helpful to me because recently I was thinking about checking her fb (I'm 5 weeks NC with my exBPDgf)... .but I did'nt do it! My gut was telling me to stay away from everything about her! I'm still too much affected by the situation and sometimes it's still very hard!

FB is lie, it's pure illusion... .nobody look depressed or unhappy on FB. So, for me, checking her FB would be very damageable and a big mistake!

It's ok to feel sad, anger and frustration... .I know what it is! Like you said you have to respect yourself. Breaking up from that type of r/s is tough for self-esteem, so for the moment you have to take good care of YOU. Don't feel guilty, we will never win against illness... .dont try to find logic answers from illogical person and situation. Be proud of yourself because the Healing process is not linear... .and every step you take is taking you closer of something alot more pleasant, sane and beautiful... .dont give up!

I second, third and fourth that! At the start I also made the mistake of checking his Instagram on one day. Seeing him interact with my replacement gave me feelings of rage, so much so that I messaged him demanding to talk to him. It's the only time I broke NC and I'm so glad he was asleep and didn't reply until the morning - by then, the anger had gone and I knew it was best to carry on ignoring him.

StandingTall, I think you're doing great for three months in. It would have been so tempting to contact her on her birthday. And yes, you should be darn proud! Our situations sound similar in that you were planning on getting married to this person; I was supposed to get engaged to mine this year, only he decided to get engaged to my replacement two months after we broke up! (after three years of living together - nice, eh?). This is a major life changer for you, so don't be hard on yourself for the times you do slip up and check her Instagram etc. Also, don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Earlier in the breakup I kept thinking to myself "I should be over this by now," which led to me becoming more anxious and more frustrated. The minute I stopped thinking that way and allowed myself to feel the feelings without dwelling too much on them, it became much easier.

Three months in is early days yet. Trust me, though. Do the right things i.e. NC, self-care, goal setting, seeing a T if you think it's necessary etc and you'll see it really does get easier.

What do you usually do when you're feeling despondent over everything?

I need to respect myself again... .happiness can t come before respect... .thanks for listening

Absolutely. And the fact you're acknowledging this tells me you're on the right track :)

Thanks you... .I understand the right things to do everything I do is to keep no contact... .she still checks our joint email address, i have to keep it active because our wedding event goes through there... .she is cold and a bad person... .I was conned and it hurt but more embarrassment than shattering of my resolve... .I wish i knew she had BPD i would have ran awhile ago... .evertime i was leaving she begged me to stay... .then let me know some terrible thing that happened to her... .I was sincere and honest and always told her I know this is over when your walls go back up... .they did 3 years to break them down and 2 weeks to put them back up ... .it's not about her anymore and that's why I didn't write to her on her bday... .it's about me and my progress... .I am addicted to self improvement, i do want to share my life with someone but that person has to be able to share their world equally... .I always had alot of love to give and it felt good showing her the real me but now I'll show the next one the better version of myself... .God is good life is hard but it's gift and a test... .

I wish i could end this on a more positive note but the truth is everyone has to go make out there an make th positive in our lives... .Goodluck