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If i look back at my 15 year relationship.

- She started to become like me/mirror me.

- Started to interrupt my sentences and finish them for me.

- I became enmeshed with her.

- I began to fear the consequences of being an individual. Started walking on eggshells to avoid the fallout from my indiscretions such as doing what I wanted to do.

Did she hijack my identity? And even more disconcerting - did I let her?

I think that when the devaluation starts we change to avoid conflict. Im a totally different person to who I was 18 months ago. Its not a sudden change its little things like putting cups in the sink as soon as they are finished with as not doing that upsets them, not using certain words as they don't like them, dressing a certain way as that what she likes etc etc. Now Im almost back to my old self just a little wiser. Im not saying Ive turned into a slob but I am more relaxed than I was and don't worry about everything having to be perfect (which with two teenage sons is an almost impossible task). There are some things that Ive brought with me from the relationship but not many.

Hijacked? Meh depends on the severity, but influenced and manipulated probably to some extent.

The key word that many of us nons deal with is "eggshells" it's something even though it may not manifest itself everyday it's something we mold into doing subconsciously. Which in turn takes away from ourselves. Then once we're out of the scenario we start to question why we were doing something for so long. The answer usually revolves around "eggshells"

Hi Moselle,

What if you look at today and not look back at the last 15 years. Do you feel like you have become untangled? Do you feel like self identity and personal boundaries are healthier attributes in relationships?

Sure, yes to both questions.  I gave an inch here and an inch there until, over time, I lost a mile and forgot who I was for a while there.  Not fun to lose myself!  Agree w/all above that it starts with walking on eggshells and avoiding things I once enjoyed in order to keep the peace, which doesn't work anyway because it's a moving target.

LuckyJim

Hi Mutt

I am still dealing with the consequences of the madness. I have three children and the financial burdens of a high conflict  divorce are massive. I have no contact with her other than by email, and I will never again be victimised by her.  It's giving me a bit of space to reflect, hence my question. I am practicing my boundaries and I am proud of that. I am learning to love and take care of myself.

But I'm also quite angry about a few things:

- With her because she has caused all sorts of trouble and the damage she continues to inflict on the children. And because... .well... .she's a plonker

I can really relate, today I am left with me and all of the fallout. I am the one that has to be financially and mentally responsible for everything. In my relationship I lost me, completely. My identity was hijacked and now I am left alone to deal with everything. I pushed everyone away while I was in this relationship. My ex BPD guy made sure I had nothing but him; it was definitely a hostiage situation. Coming to grips with this has been hard and I struggle most of the days.

I went to court a month ago to get a restraining order and only wanted two weeks to get a couple of witnesses, my ex BPD had a melt down and the jude ordered a permanent restraining order. This all happened in 3 minutes. I want you to know that it is very hard to get a restraining order especially if you are gay; this one act has really has given me my life back. The next case the poor girl had police as witnesses and the husband only got one year. I guess what I am trying to say is that it has been hard to see the reality of my situation.

The enmeshment has also gotten me to not look at the truth (acceptance). I am in a very conservative county and state and went in front of a judge to ask for a restraining order; the truth is that my ex BPD is very dangerous and I see that I always knew this. The other issue is that when he was ok, he was a great person with lots of life. But his life became mine when I could see an episode coming which was every 2 weeks. I think that you get the point.

@joel, it started with an episode every month , which I initially attributed to PMS, then every two weeks, then every week, then day to day.  I became a shell of my former self.  Exhausted all my resources, until two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention.

LuckyJim

I think we let them... .

Like others said, we agree with their logic/feelings at first (perhaps I AM going out too much - I'll stay in more). We think we are compromising like couples are supposed to do. We think that by agreeing it'll make them happy. It's only a little more each time so our boundary line gets shifted just a bit, then a bit, then a bit. It's not until years later you look back at where you were and wonder how you managed to get so far. Then you try to move your boundary line back a fair bit, and sparks fly.

I often wonder if they move on to the next person with our persona. I've always felt as though I was robbed at gunpoint while she walked away with my carefree, independent personality. Now that I'm free, I'm back, but is she an attempted version of me as well? Or do they copy the next victim?

All I know is my love and compassion allowed her to mirror me, unknowingly. My part was innocent.

My lesson is learned and I'm better for it.

If she has continued attempting to be me - she never truly will be - because her serious disorder hinders the authentic attributes of who I am.

Thanks for all your comments.

I'm determined to live a good life as the ultimate revenge and not be a victim here. It's was all camouflage smoke and mirrors. I really had no idea what was going on.

It makes me wonder what else in my life is an illusion however.

This was exactly like my exgf. She admitted to having OCD. She would get really irritated with tiny things like filling the kettle up too much or not chopping onions how she liked them - to the point she would come and take over. One of my strong points is I have a near photographic memory (a gift and a curse with regards to BPD). I can vividly recall how I was with her at the start and the way she was with me ie carefree, relaxed, being on her best behaviour to fast forwarding months down the line where she was irritable, snappy and I felt like I was walking on egg shells to avoid saying or doing something to cause an argument.

She told me at the start that her ex fiancée used to say she started all the arguments and he felt he was walking on eggshells. I used to comfort her but now there is no doubt in my mind it was true!

@ ArleighBurke:  Sure, we allow it because we think a r/s involves give and take, until we realize we are doing all the giving and the pwBPD is doing all the taking.  Then you see how far off course you've gone and it will be a battle to get back to center.  LuckyJim

Mine used to say " I'm the best thing that ever happened to you and no other woman would ever put up with me"

She was wrong on both counts