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I typically avoid posts like this but have to admit I am feeling quite a bit of sadness as we go into the Thanksgiving holiday and a birthday the day after. 

The holiday seems to not only surface all the "why" and "how" questions from my r/s but also seems to be plugging into general FOO holiday stuff too.

Anyone care to share what they are doing with their holiday blues?

 joeramabeme

I know what you mean - I'm already dreading Christmas and it's not even December yet. Christmas was always a great time with my ex. We'd spend it with my family and it was magical, so knowing he won't be here this time already stings.

I'm dealing with it by throwing myself into the festive spirit. I'm going on a trip at the beginning of the month specifically to check out a particular city's Christmas market. Kind of a 'fake it until you make it' type exercise. I know the alternative is for me to dread the holidays, be miserable in the whole run up and then just wish for it to be over with, but I don't want to do that. This breakup has already taken up half a year of my life, I won't let it ruin my favourite time of year. I'm focusing on the positives, trying to get into the spirit of things and hoping for the best!

Do you have any ideas on how you can avoid the holiday blues?

Do you have any ideas on how you can avoid the holiday blues?

I have plans to enjoy Thursday and Friday and planning a trip for the end of December.  I have been building into a state of "depression tired" - I have no good reason to be tired but my behind is dragging.  Today it seems to have tapped me on the shoulder and said hey Joe, look at me, I am Mr lonely -LOL!  No I am not psychotic - just creative.

I have felt some depression while going through all this but this time it seems to have a level of gravity that i have not felt before.  That gravity is in the form of allowing myself to accept that she really is not coming back - this is not just a "I am pissed at you" type moment.  As much as I know it is probably for the best - I still can't believe it all.

I am doing much better but all of this stuff just takes so long to process and there are so many waves of sadness and anger that keep washing over me... .  holidays last year were spent apart and they were some of my best - guess I was still under impression that we would work it out. 

I think added to this is that we are approaching a court date and have not agreed to settle - she is such a difficult soul... .

Thanks for listening

I'm right there with you man, having to accept that there are almost certainly no more "do overs".  It is difficult and confusing to deal with such conflicting feelings.  One minute I am muttering to myself how I hate her, then the next I am missing her.    I also know it is probably for the best but I can't help wondering that with the knowledge I have now of BPD and myself if things couldn't be different ... .even better.  But then I remember the things that caused me to withdraw and go emotionally numb.  What I can't convince myself of is if the behavior from my ex that caused all that pain would ever change ... .or possibly get worse.  So confusing and conflicted.

Thanks C. Stein


   

lol Wow can I relate, Muttering to myself has become a form of solace and the back and forth dialogue between I am so angry at her and I love her is just a whirlpool of confused thoughts constantly bumping into one another.

I have started to make a commitment to myself; no more negative speak about her; not internally, not to friends, not in therapy - simply no more.  I don't really feel that way about her I am simply deeply hurt and stymied by the process of trying to process.



I gave up on thinking that my behavior could change hers.  This was one of my major downfalls.  For 9 out of the 10 years of marriage I really thought that my behaviors were the central driving force for all of our discord.  Yes, some of it was and ALSO some of it was hers. 

I remember feeling that I could not step into asking her to own her sh!t until I believed mine was reasonably addressed - according to her judgements.  Sadly, once I got to a place of believing my side of the street was reasonably clean, things really fell apart b/c I no longer accepted her belittling and emotional abuse and demanded that she look at it. 

So, if there is one part of my behavior that I could have changed to make the r/s last, it would have been not standing up for myself and allowing her to simultaneously put me down while also telling me that I was a coward for not standing up to her putting me down. 

Truly a no-win situation!

I have also concluded that having a knowledge and understanding of BPD does not and will not change the behaviors.  It can be mitigated - but not changed.  And once again, I am the only one that can change.

Would I have stayed had I understood all of this?  Perhaps I would have tried some different approaches but I am not sure if a r/s can be simply so one-sided, not sure that I am that mature of a person - maybe - but unlikely it will ever play itself out.

Yes, I am struggling mightily. I am about to end my marriage but want to wait til after the holidays when my spouse goes back to her school in another state and I can do the breakup long distance. I have Autism and do not deal well with in person drama.

really not looking forward to what will be my last holiday season with my spouse, but am trying to keep my eye on the prize of being free of her.

Hi Flutterby32 - Looks like you are new here.  Welome!  Glad you are here.

Sounds like you have plans to change your marital status.  Have you been reading these boards for awhile and believe your wife has BPD traits?

Yes!

This time last year even though it was kind of an illusion i was being idolised and i just miss it, this year has just been so rubbish. I wish it was last year. Especially when we used to go to the German Christmas markets together and days out this time of year, i miss him soo much. But i'm just trying to press on forward with my own life and look forward to Christmas, bloody hard though.

Very much so- since last year was so awful! He was rotten to my parents when they were in town on Thanksgiving and I found that co-worker in my bed xmas day after he raged at me and forced me to leave xmas eve... .I feel like I have ptsd from him! I can't decide if I want a tree or not! I probably will get one, but I am sad because of how rotten last year was. I know it can only be better this year! I was taking the  xmas tree down at 5am and throwing it out the back door last year. Don't even remember what I packed up.  I keep crying when I see xmas stuff in the stores. I am starting to be numb by it, but then I have spells of crying! I am soo angry at him!  I spent so much money on him last year! Bought him an expensive grill and lots of other stuff! I returned some of it! I hope he has a miserable time this year, I really do. He will be alone with his broke gf. No family around for either of them - I hope he remembers clearly what he did last year! No boundaries with these people.

Hi Flutterby32 - Looks like you are new here.  Welome!  Glad you are here.

Sounds like you have plans to change your marital status.  Have you been reading these boards for awhile and believe your wife has BPD traits?[/quote]
I highly suspect it, yes. Borderline or something like it. She was severely abused by her parents, then had kids with someone who abandoned her.

We had only known each other a few months (maybe six tops) when she insisted that we move in together and make plans to get married.

I had had almost no luck with relationships before then, I was almost 30, and so I was desperate for something to happen as far as a relationship. So I ignored the red flags and said yes. about ten years into the relationship I was finally able to come to terms with being transgender, and that added another level of trouble to an already troubled relationship.

I am a serious "people pleaser" with a LOT of guilt and so it has taken me a while to even be able to consider ending the relationship.

I do not think she has ever been diagnosed with anything more than generic depression. I think she probably does not want to be diagnosed with anything too serious because then she might have to face her issues and deal more constructively with them.

I'll just try to oversleep it all. Never celebrated it, and was struggling every year, with or without someone. When i look back i see a big pattern of emptiness in that part of my life. Brings up lots yes, too much sometimes to bear. When you know another year fades away, and nothing has changed much. To be with someone you love during that time is most precious i think, will have to wait some more to get to know that feeling i think... .

"Another year,

Few more tears... ."

I dread Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years like you wouldn't believe, but for different reasons than most, I think. The holiday season caused my BPDex to dysregulate in such extreme ways, as his entire family had either died or become estranged.  That left me in the crosshairs of a lot of bad things!

Thanksgiving:  He threw me in front of an oncoming train in a rage.  I got out of the way in time, and as the train was passing, I ran.  I got on another train and was trying to get far away, and he came walking down the aisle and sat down next to me as if nothing had happened.

Christmas Eve:  He pulled a gun on me, and sent me flying into the streets in the snow, screaming for help, wearing only socks and underwear.  When I heard the gun fire, I was sure he had killed himself.  When the police arrived, he was fine.  They took him to the psychiatric ward for a couple of days.  No one did anything to help me.

New Years Eve:  We overslept and he wasn't able to withdraw money at the bank (he had lost his ATM card).  It was my fault, of course.  He held a knife to my throat and made me show him my online banking and wanted money from me.  Later that night he stabbed me four times with a steak knife in his neighbor's apartment and almost killed me.  Then and only then did anyone do anything, and only because they had to.  He went to prison for attempted murder.

The list goes on, but those are some highlights of a 2.5-year long relationship.

And, of course, because I bear the physical scars from a BPDex, most romantic relationships I try to enter into are ended prematurely when they person asks "How did you get those scars?" and are too shocked by the answer to think straight ... .Needless to say I haven't had a Valentine in a while, so that's another crappy holiday for me.

Yup.  I'm feeling pretty low right now.  Particularly since I just got out of a relationship with a potentially violent pwBPD last September.  I thought I had it all behind me with BPDex 1 ... .I thought I had learned enough about myself to stay away from those types of people and have healthy relationships.

Guys, the scars I have on my chest, arm, neck, and elsewhere?  They'll always be there.  They've faded slightly, but they're absolutely noticeable.  I also have phantom pains from time to time from the scar tissue inside my chest.  The same kind of thing goes for our emotional scars.  They fade over time, with some work, but ever so often -- such as around holiday season -- we'll take a look in the mirror in our minds and still be able to see them.  Let yourselves feel the emotion, recognize that it's a phantom pain and that you can't be hurt any more, and detach.