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Title: Thanksgiving Heartbreak Post by: julsch on November 24, 2015, 04:15:34 PM Hi everyone,
Ever since my parents went through their divorce, my mother is different. She has many mood swings and often uses me as an emotional punching bag. I am an only child and no longer have contact with my father. My mom will have good days and bad days. Good days- my mom is happy, proud, laughing, and childlike Bad days- my mom shames me, tells me I'm worthless, picks apart my insecurities, and blames me for the hurt in her life. I have entered into a beautiful and healthy relationship with my boyfriend, who I truthfully believe is the love of my life about a year ago. My mother reacted well at first. But recently has decided that I am moving on from her and her borderline personality disorder has been worse than ever. This year she is refusing to spend thanksgiving with me and wants nothing to do with me. For the past four years it has just been me and her for thanksgiving and this year my boyfriends parents invited both of us over. I don't mind not going to my boyfriends but she repeatedly has told me she wants nothing to do with me on thanksgiving and that I should celebrate with him because she knew I would leave her eventually. She is being extremely hurtful and I don't know what the right thing to do is. Anyone on here have a similar experience or advice? Title: Re: Thanksgiving Heartbreak Post by: Turkish on November 24, 2015, 04:55:22 PM Hi julsch,
*welcome* Holidays and special occasions can be tough on pwBPD (people with BPD), but it seems harder on those around them due to acting-out behaviors. pwBPD have an intense fear of abandonment real or perceived, and your mom is dysregulating due to perceived abandonment on your part. If she was and is unhealthily enmeshed with you, she wants you all to herself. None of this makes sense... .but to her, it's her coping mechanism based upon her distorted world-view. Most likely something like, "I'm unlovable. My daughter is abandoning me because I am unlovable." That you would "leave her eventually" shows that she doesn't see you as an adult or an individual. Have you heard about validation? Explaining isn't likely to work here. Validate her feelings, but not her fears. Her feelings are real, but her fears are unjustified (or invalid). Maybe this will help: Validation and BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/validation_slides.pdf) Time is pretty short, but you deserve a nice Thanksgiving with a family. If she would rather pout, then that is her choice. You aren't responsible for her feelings. Turkyish Title: Re: Thanksgiving Heartbreak Post by: Kwamina on November 25, 2015, 02:55:10 PM Hi julsch
I would like to join Turkish in welcoming you here. He has made some excellent points about the fear of abandonment. Your mother's behavior sounds quite unpleasant indeed. How long ago did your parents get divorced? Being an only child of a BPD parent can be very difficult. I was raised by my uBPD mom and although I have siblings, they are way older than me and for many years I lived alone with my mother. The way you describe the good and bad days of your mother, also makes me think of the BPD behavior known as 'splitting': Excerpt Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection. Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help. Some degree of splitting is an expected part of early mental development. It is seen in young children who, early on, press to be told "Is it good?" or "Is it bad?" We hear their frustration when we answer, "Situations are more complicated" "Yes, I know all that," they say, "now tell me, is it good or is it bad?" Normally, mental maturing advances the ego's ability to accept paradoxical affects, and to synthesize and balance complex situations. ... . Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderlines life. Do you feel like this description applies to your mother's behavior? You can read more about this subject here: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0) Take care |