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Just wondering if anyone knows the thought process of these people . They idolize us, love us all the while manipulating and using us. Pathological lying that seems to help them believe their own crap. Then they verbally abide us and twist it around that it's us. I'm sure they people that too. Then when they discard us and move on the same thing is likely to happen to the next if they're caught, what I want to know is . They know right from wrong. They may justify saying we had the bad behaviors . But what do they think about their cheating and sneaking around? The double life? The are human and know it's not the acceptable society norm to do that. What helps them to not feel their part in that? Do they not have s conscience like sociopaths. Or is it their own fears or too great and their too selfish to think about anyone else's feelings, and after cheating and lying for years to all the the people in their life that what ever conscience is left is so deaden that they do feel it ? I just wish I know what he was thinking . I know he is smearing me so I know he believes his own lies. But what do they think of their own behaviors that are so calculated and cruel

I don't think they think about them in the moment. It is after they realize what they have done. However, still unable to face all those emotions they go out and repeat the same behavior. My ex referred to it as "survival mode". He did what he needed, when HE needed it. Selfish.

Survival mode is right.  My ex didn't use that exact phrase, but the meaning was the same.  She broke up with me in the middle of a physical trauma she was going through.  She told me "I can't deal with my physical pain and still be married to you. Maybe in the future we can be together again?" 

I also think that often times pwBPD have enablers in their life that tolerate their abusive behavior.  No parent wants to admit that their child has a mental illness and no spouse wants to admit that their spouse is physically and emotionally abusive to them as well.  As long as people tolerate the behavior, why would people change?

My best interactions with my ex after she raged at me, were the times I set firm boundaries (i.e. walking away, sleeping in the other room, etc).  If I stayed and allowed the abuse to happen, it only fed the monster. 

I think part of the answer to this question lies in their ability to so easily paint someone black and/or to find faults in other people, causing the pwBPD to justify his or her behaviors.

My pwBPD is very aware that her behaviors are wrong, but as those are the only behaviors she's ever known, she just keeps on doing them. 

"I also think that often times pwBPD have enablers in their life that tolerate their abusive behavior.  No parent wants to admit that their child has a mental illness and no spouse wants to admit that their spouse is physically and emotionally abusive to them as well.  As long as people tolerate the behavior, why would people change?"

Spot on with my ex.  She has a sister with serious addictive issues (divorced, lost custody of her kids, etc.) and I feel that a lot of her family's emotional resources were exhausted with that situation.  Additionally, she comes from a pretty high brow family that probably felt that a very visible situation like her sister's was all they could admit to or tolerate.  Therefore my ex was pretty much enabled all the way through.  To make matters worse, her ex is a very highly paid attorney who simply threw money at the problem for years.

The end result---few if any boundaries whatsoever for most of her adult life.  Coupling that with BPD makes for a very toxic relationship mixture.

Think this post is spot on... .I behaved in a way which enabled her to justify her behaviour when on reflection I should not have reacted... .made it easier for her to paint me black and gave her reason to think I did this but he did that... .tit for tat stuff and as time passes it becomes less important

I told my ex that he was the most selfish person I'd ever met. He said nothing and the subject was dropped.

Two days later he said he'd been thinking about my comment and that he was happy with his selfishness.

I guess it took him 48 hours to process what I'd said and somehow make it alright in his head.

Short answer? There is no thought process. They just do what they feel compelled to do at that given moment in time without consideration to your feelings, or to any long-term consequences.


They do feel their part in things, except for the moments they are able to compartmentalize their feelings, which only lasts for a while. They do everything they can to distract from these feelings, but periodically it catches up on them and they are forced to face themselves -- if only for a moment -- and the experience is devastating.

Yes, they know right from wrong. Yes, they have a conscience, but I believe they manage their conscience using a completely different system than we do.

We nons use what I would consider a system of guilt. When we do wrong, this bothers us because our behavior is contrasted to our personal self-image. We see ourselves as naturally good people, so doing bad things is inconsistent with who we are. We feel guilt for the bad thing that we did, but are able to still see ourselves as a good person in spite of the evidence that we have done wrong. We see that we can reinforce our self-image as a good person by doing something to counter-act the bad action, such as sincerely apologizing to the person we hurt, or acting to make amends.

We feel better when we admit wrongdoing and say "I'm sorry" because that action releases our guilt and re-establishes our self-identity as a good person.

However, a pwBPD might manage their conscience with a system of shame. They do not feel guilt for their actions, but rather feel shame for who they are. PwBPD are victims of black/white thinking, so they are totally unable to see themselves as a good person when confronted with evidence that they have done a bad thing. They lack a sense of self, so awareness of a pwBPD's own bad behavior is not contrasted with a "good person" self-identity, but only reinforces that person's view that he/she is a bad person.

A pwBPD does not feel better when he/she admits any wrongdoing because they do not have any guilt to release, but would rather feel worse because such an admission would trigger feelings of core shame and reinforce his/her own self-identity as a bad person. Would you, or anyone, find it easy to do something that actually made you feel worse?

So how would a pwBPD maintain their conscience, and keep some sense of humanity in the face of repeated reminders of their own worthlessness? Well, that's where the self-hatred comes in. (Which is a difficult concept to understand if you've never experienced it yourself.) It's ok to hate bad people, right? That's what good people do, right? (And deep down everyone -- including even the most depressed of pwBPD -- wants to think of himself/herself as a good person.) If you yourself are a bad person, shouldn't you hate yourself as well?

So when a person trapped in this system of shame hates himself/herself, he/she actually feels better, because even though that person is bad, at lease he/she was good enough to hate himself/herself for it.