BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone,

I'm new to this community, and still somewhat in denial that I am here... .  I really need some advice and help on how to deal with my situation and come out with a good scenario for myself and my son.  Before I ask your advice, here are the coles notes of my story:

- I have a Mother who exhibits signs of BPD, although I don't believe she's full blown

- In high school, I fell in love with a BPD (now I realize she's very similar to my Mother, except more severe)

- I didn't speak to my high school crush for over 10 years, we reconnected on Facebook

- She lived on the US west coast, I lived on Canadian West coast, I flew her up to visit me and flew to visit her several times over a 3 month period.

- We had amazing 3 day dates together, I was instantly in love with her (I had maintained a "cute crush" on her throughout my 20's)

- We decided together to elope.  I was sure there was a reason I had waited to get married and it was my destiny to be with her.  She got pregnant on the wedding night.

- She moved to Canada with me on Dec. 31st, 201x.  She punched me in the face several times that night.

- Over the next 43 days she kicked, punched, screamed, spat, belittled me, etc etc.  Also isolated me from my best friends and family.

- I started learning how to set boundaries and not allow her to disrespect me in her fits of rage.  I am an intelligent, strong willed, respectful person and am not passive.  (these traits back fired on me because I wouldn't give in to her insanity)

- On Feb. 23, I gently explained to her that I hadn't seen my best friend in almost 2 months and I was going to spend some time with him and that I wanted her to come but understood if she didn't want to.  My BPD hated my best friend because his fiancee was friends with my ex girlfriend.

- That morning she violently assaulted me when I returned home.  I restrained her, told her she was being crazy, and then left after she headbutted me and I realized I was not going to be able to calm the situation. 

- She called the police, had me arrested and fully pursued domestic violence charges against me.  I fought and won, but it took a lot.

- She moved while pregnant to the US east coast.  With the help of her friend who is a marriage counsellor, I flew to the city she was in and made a temporary repair to our relationship. 

- By now I realized I was not dealing with someone stable, but I had to try to make it work because of my unborn son.  I never would have spoken to her again after she falsely had me arrested if she was not pregnant.

- Our son has health concerns (I believe due to my ex smoking and drinking while pregnant), it was a very stressful 12 months after he was born.  (He still has health concerns, she continually demonstrates an inability to take care of him by missing important dr's appointments, not giving him medicine, and not following dr's instructions on how to help him recover by doing exercises etc.)

- I continued to hang in there, flying 15 hours as often as possible to be with them both.  I paid for everything I could afford so she could have an apartment and car. 

- She secretly filed for divorce when our son was about 8 months old. 

- I refuse to stay in Canada and be a helpless victim.  I know the full extent of her illness.  My Father is a renowned psychologist, I have been working with several therapists and I also have access to my Father's mentor who specializes in BPD.  I will not leave my son with her so that she can inadvertently warp his mind and ruin his life.

- Once she realized that I will not just fade away and pay her endless child support while not being involved with my son, she began an extreme campaign of false allegations.  Her most recent allegation was that she feared for her life and left Canada because I beat her every day and I should not be allowed to see my son at all. 

- There are many more terrible accusations she's made, I will not go into detail to save space.

- We have a temporary custody trial in the next month.

- I have rented an apartment in the same city as her and intend to spend 49% of my time there and 51% of my time in Canada.

- I have a great divorce lawyer who specializes in "crazy".

- I record and categorize every interaction I have with her.


I have seen the full extent of her illness.  I do not believe she is capable of healing.  I am looking at this from a rational and logical point of view - she has already begun severe parental alienation against me with our 14 month old son.  I geniunely do not believe she can be helped (at least not in time to save my son and also save me, I have several PHD therapists who have met her and agree with me).  To be clear - if I thought there was even a possibility of helping her I would not ask this question:

How do I put an end to this madness?  I need full custody of my son, for his sake and also for my sake.  His Mother is severe, she is relentless, she is out of control.  I cannot relocate permanently to another country, I need to fight this battle now, and prove to the courts and to everyone how mentally ill she is.  I am 100% positive that my son will live a much happier and healthier life with me and I need to fight now for him.    (Side note:  If I am able to get custody of my son, I will do everything that is reasonably in my power to accommodate my son and his mother having a healthy relationship.  I strongly feel that having both parents is important for any child.  I also will also be extremely cognisant of any possible parental alienation on my part, as much as I despise this woman and what she's done to both her son and her loving husband, I will not allow that to carry over to my son)


Any advice is greatly appreciated.  Any success stories or failure stories of what did or did not work in court are huge right now.  I still have a chance at saving this.  Please help me and my son. 

Lastly, I apologize to any slight BPD's or others that are affected by illness that are reading this and are offended.  I truly believe that if you are aware of your illness and you are taking accountability for yourself and making amends to your loved ones that you've hurt, that you deserve a chance to heal just like any other person.  I am not intending this message for you and I wish you good luck on your very difficult journey.

Please help me ensure this doesn't happen to my beautiful infant son.  I will do anything to protect him, but if the courts are against me I am powerless.  Please feel free to PM me or reply with any questions.  I have nothing to hide (other than specific details for now until my court case is completed)

Thank you for any and all help.

Kindest Regards,

I forgot to mention.  My Ex initially moved in with her Father when she left Canada.  He kicked her out and I rented her an apartment (we were still "married" at this time).  Then when my money ran out she moved back in with her Father.  Her Father has now kicked her out again and I do not know for sure where she is staying.  She has told me she's staying at a male friend's condo in a fancy neighborhood.  I have seen the inside of the condo on Skype, and it does look nice.  She says she lives there alone as her friend is working in NYC. 

Can I use any of this to my advantage in court?  Or will it just be turned against me saying I need to give her more support?

Thank you!

Hi Duck_Borders,

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much right now. Many of us here know what it's like to feel concern about our kids when they're caught in the cross-hairs of these divorces.

What is your lawyer telling you to do or ask for at this initial custody trial? Are you asking for 50/50 custody? Primary custody? Is your wife currently blocking access to your son?

Custody battles can be a marathon, not a sprint. A lot can depend on the laws where your wife filed for divorce/custody, and the strategy your lawyer implements. If you don't get a good outcome the first time around, there will be other opportunities. The key is to document everything and approach this 100% with your focus on the well-being of your son. Courts see a lot of immature behavior, so the more you can persuade the courts that you are there to problem-solve and focus on your son's well-being, the better your chances.

It's common for people with BPD to be impulsive and moving around a lot is a common concern here, especially with kids involved. Have you thought about asking for a psyche eval? If you do, be sure to specifically ask for a MMMPI-2, which is an objective psyche evaluation, as opposed to the more subjective evals that do not typically end in diagnoses. If you go this route, be prepared to undergo the same psyche eval (this is common with a typical  custody evaluation).

One difficulty you will face is that she will probably claim she has always been the primary parent.  Yes, you tried to have it otherwise but court will initially see what "is" and not what you or child "wanted/needed".  Courts often start out, after ascertaining the accused parent(s) are not being overtly abusive, neglecting or endangering of the child, formalizing that the then primary parent remains so in the temporary order.  In most cases, that means a default to the mother.  That's what happened to me.  Though my ex was facing Threat of DV charges in another court, domestic court gave my then-spouse temp custody and temp majority time because I went off to work and she said she worked from home (though I had temp possession of the house in that other court's order).

However, you still need to do the best you can from the very start in that initial temp order.  Fathers usually have an uphill struggle and so every little bit of improvement you can get at the very start is worth its weight in gold.  I recall my lawyer turning to me after that initial hearing and glibly saying, ":)on't worry, we'll fix it later."  'Later' turned out to be in the Final Decree which was nearly 2 years later.

One reality we have to deal with is that we aren't just snubbed by the other parent, we're vilified, painted as evil ogres.  Court typically doesn't give the accusing parent much in the way of consequences.  It expects some conflict which fades over time but incorrectly assumes that it will go away eventually even in our high conflict cases.  Still, despite the court being slow to recognize determined obstruction and noncompliance, it usually will issue an order with better terms than what the entitled Ex would allow.  Until now the Ex has been doing virtually whatever the Ex wished and with near impunity.  As slowly as court works and as reluctant as it is to make big fixes, Court Authority will at least trump the Ex's entitlement, well, at least a little.  (Just be sure to get an order that changes the usual vague phrases expecting cooperation, you can't allow the Ex to reinterpret the order.  "Mutually agreed" phrases don't work for us.)

Thanks Livednlearned and ForeverDad!  I really appreciate your input.  I guess I can share a few more details since it's highly improbable that my ex would take the time away from her Facebook/twitter account to research anything like this... .

I want to ask for 50/50 custody, I have to clarify with my lawyer what she thinks.  I'm having a bit of a long distance challenge with my lawyer, she's 3500 miles away from me and 3 hours ahead.  I'm finding it difficult communicating with her at times.  I'm also so exhausted all the time that when she runs over her strategy with me I only retain about 50% of what she's saying.  My main problem with 50/50 custody is I am not a US citizen.  If I get 50% custody I will basically be giving up my healthcare in Canada and also run the risk of pissing off US Border Patrol.  And I currently can't apply for US citizenship because my ex had me falsely charged with DV.  My long term plan with my lawyer is to slowly work up to full custody.  My ex is severe and I think she'll either go off the wall if I'm awarded custody (hopefully right in the courtroom) or she'll lose interest in the baby once someone else is taking care of him and I can gradually work up to full custody.

My wife "pretends" to be blocking access to my son.  By this I mean, every time I fly down to Miami to see them, she'll say "The courts said you can only see him for 4 hours per day over 1 long weekend per month", but then she'll call me constantly and want me to come visit with them.  I'm still trying to adapt to the BPD - she'll invite me over, then be a terrible person to me and tell our 16 month old son that ":)addy's evil and dirty", then she'll tell me she feels threatened by me so I'll leave immediately, then she'll call me 20 minutes later and tell me "Noah misses his Daddy, come back and be with us and help us".

FYI - my wife filed for divorce in Miami, Florida.  She's already fired her first divorce lawyer because he "was a hack and didn't know what he was doing".  In reality he was a problem solver and told her she couldn't have half my company for a 43 day marriage and that I was entitled to partial custody of my son.  Her new lawyer is young and appears to be naive as he is drinking her kool aid and has already sent several threatening letters regarding some of her false accusations. 

Regarding psych evaluations, I am more than happy to comply.  My one concern is that my ex will trick the therapist.  I've already seen her trick one therapist (or at least recruit the therapist as a sympathizer).  I will add the MMMPI-2 to my list for my lawyer, thanks for that suggestion. 

Here's another question for you guys - My ex is basically a projection machine... .  Now that I see them clearly, everything she is falsely accusing me of is things that she does herself.  Any tips on using her projections against her?  For example: Last month I was giving my son a bottle, he's old enough to hold it on his own now so I just got him in the right position and let him go for it.  I glanced at my phone for 2 seconds and my son spat up some milk at the same time (it was literally less than 1 sip of milk).  My ex came in freaking out that I "was letting the baby aspirate" and being neglectful etc.  The next day her lawyer is sending emails about how I'm a neglectful parent etc... .  In reality, my ex is neglectful.  When she's not glued to her social media accounts (she's very pretty and been in a few movies so she has an online following), she's out with friends or socializing.  I think she feels bad about being neglectful, so she projects that on to me.  How can I prove this to a judge?  I have so many more incidents of projection I'm curious about using to my advantage, but this was the most recent one. 

One more question (also about projection):  She's accused me lately of being a drug addict and using cocaine and MDMA.  I actually did try both of these last summer in an attempt to find some sort of escape from my misery, but I am definitely not a drug addict.  I am 99.99% sure she does not have access to any of my email accounts or messaging account, which most likely means these are projections and she is using drugs (I can only assume around our son).  How do I use this against her?  I saw drug tests in CVS where you can swab the surface of a counter or steal some of her hair out of a hair brush, but I'm pretty sure I can't use those results in court... .so, how do I get her drug tested for court purposes? 

Thanks for your help and for listening.  And if I come off harsh, I'm very sorry - I'm a good person and very strong willed and I am determined to reverse this injustice against me and I come off very intense because of it.

Best Regards,

Duck

A couple of thoughts about your goals and strategy.

Your wife can live in Canada; you cannot live in the US. Why not ask for primary custody? It's fairly common for lawyers to lower their clients' expectations because 1) they generally aim for reasonable outcomes that 2) they feel they can win. This is all fine, except that it can perpetuate biases that the courts have a history perpetuating just fine on their own. Remember that your lawyer works for you. If you believe that it's best for your child that you have primary custody, by all means ask for it. Ask your lawyer if there are any downsides to asking for what you think is best for the child. Ask your lawyer what the judge is like, that's one of the key things you are paying for. And ask your lawyer what she knows about international custody laws. I am Canadian, my ex American, though I have dual citizenship. I had an excellent lawyer and a good judge, and eventually realized that no one knew anything about international law. If you have questions, it might be worth consulting with an international family law attorney for 300/hr or whatever it costs, just to find out if your US lawyer is on the right track.

Your wife married you and then fled to a state where she is moving around a lot -- she didn't have a plan. She is no longer living with the family member who ostensibly agreed to support her -- this may be a good thing. It means that the criteria used to establish where she lives is weaker. In general, when one parent chooses to live somewhere else, the court has a list of criteria about where there is more family support. I don't know if that applies in your situation because your son was born in the U.S, though. Have you thought about establishing Canadian citizenship for him? I did this with my son when he was a year old -- you have to get a citizenship card and fill out some forms.

My ex is a former trial attorney and that kept me tangled up in court for the better part of 4 years. What worked in my case was documentation, a third-party professional who testified on my behalf, a psyche eval, and a deposition.

What made things harder for me was not being prepared for the first custody hearing. These tend to be called "temporary" orders, but they are basically permanent. Whatever you agree to at this hearing is likely to become permanent, because judges figured if you agreed to it then it must be better than anything they can rule. Also, if you agree to it, they don't subject themselves to having their ruling overturned in an appellate court.

Also, about being an addict. If you are asked the question, Are you an addict? The answer is 100 percent that you are not. If the next question is do you do drugs? The answer is 100 percent no. If the answer is When is the last time you did drugs? The answer is to let your lawyer object because the question is not relevant to the case. If there are legitimate concerns about your drug use, ask for any evidence other than hearsay.

Your son is going to do a lot more than spit up milk -- all babies do. He's going to projectile vomit and all kinds of other things that even the healthiest babies do. Try to not let your wife get you on the defensive. Take a parenting class and talk to moms. Hang out with your friends infants and study up.

Sadly, it's a stereotype (and maybe a statistical reality) that a lot of dads disappear from their kids' lives when the going gets tough in court, so just the fact you care about your son and are willing to do what's best for him puts you in a good position in this custody battle. Focus on your kid, focus on your kid, focus on your kid. That's the best advice. Try to avoid throwing mud at your wife and come to court with a problem-solving focus. Imagine that you and the judge are on the same team, trying to figure out what is best for the child, and making sure the reasonable parent is given primary responsibility.

Great advice again, thanks!

Yes, my ex can live in Canada (she's Canadian) and I will discuss this with my lawyer.  My ex actually has a green card, and one of the reasons she wanted to "flee" Canada was because she didn't want to lose her green card.  I actually paid for her immigration lawyer in Miami (she said once she got her US passport she would move to Canada with me and we can be a family.  I don't believe she ever got the passport due to her previous legal troubles).  My judge is a very no nonsense judge, she is not favourable to "pretty girls" that are starving models or actresses, but my judge is also very anti DV.  My ex is now claiming that she feared for her life and had to leave Canada in the fear that I would kill her and my unborn child.  I do have all kinds of receipts and letters from my ex after she left Canada, including love letters and babymoon vacations.

Regarding international law - One of the things I had to do in Canada to get the charges "stayed" (put aside, but not dropped) was write an apology letter.  In BC (British Columbia), an apology letter is not an admission of guilt, however my ex is claiming that I admitted to beating her by writing this letter, which apparently is an admission of guilt in Florida.  One other legal point - before I realized what I was dealing with, my ex got me to snap.  I screamed at her and broke a small/flimsy bedside table.  It was a very immature reaction (in my defence it was a month of built up frustration from her attacking me constantly).  Of course she happened to be audio recording that exact moment on her phone and is now trying to submit it in court as evidence of my DV tendencies.  Of note:  She had a DV incident where she was arrested in 2009.  I have one of the court papers from that incident and we're trying to use it to get "my DV" ignored by the court stating that both parties have one and it should not be a factor. 

She did flee, but it wasn't a new state.  She grew up in Miami and her Father still lives there.  She has a classic BPD relationship with both of her parents.  She absolutely despises her Mother, unless she wants something.  She constantly accuses her Father of abusing her and ignoring her and being a terrible person, and then she moved in with him... .  I've thought about trying to recruit her parents, but I'm worried that could backfire.  I believe her Father is in denial about mental illness, he just views it as some women are crazy.  I think her Mother is relieved to no longer be the primary target.  Plus her Mother also lives in Canada and does her best to keep her distance.  I will ask my lawyer about family support.  I have both of my parents coming to Miami for the trial (they are divorced).  My Mother has been down to see my son at least 5 times and endured all kinds of abuse from my ex.  My Father has not met my son yet, but that is primarily due to health concerns after bypass surgery.  I am currently officially residing in my Father's basement suite and have his full support through all of this.  I have already tried to get him Canadian citizenship, but my ex blocked that and I need a court order. 

One last legal question for this hour: 

My ex has genital herpes.  She wanted to have a vaginal water birth and refused (and sometimes insulted) every Dr. that suggested a C-section was necessary due to the herpes.  While she was in labour, our son was in distress (he was only 4.2 lbs at 38 weeks delivery).  The OBGYN kept insisting that she needed to have an emergency C-Section and my ex kept viscously refusing.  It got to the point where the OBGYN kicked everyone out of the room and had a closed door meeting with my ex.  The OBGYN is a childhood friend of my ex.  I believe the OBGYN told my ex that if she didn't sign the consent form, they had no choice but to get an executive order from the hospital to give her a general anesthetic and do the C-section by force. 

How can I get a medical record of all that took place that day?  My ex is blocking me from getting medical records (I was able to get them for my son, but there was no record of these events on my son's file because he wasn't born yet)

Thanks!

Hey, how's it going?

Don't know the answer to the medical question. I am impressed how hard you are fighting. You probably need to spend every penny doing what you are doing.

"If I am able to get custody of my son, I will do everything that is reasonably in my power to accommodate my son and his mother having a healthy relationship." - That is a great line to use, and keep remembering it.

Unfortunately, the stuff she did to you may not be enough to get custody, but keep focusing on what she did in terms of missing appointments and stuff like that. And you can ask for a psych exam and guardian ad litem if you think it will help.

Many lawyers are busy and don't return calls on time, especially the good ones. It kind of sucks. But it may not just be the time difference etc.

Thanks again for all of your replies team!  I have the temporary custody hearing coming up in 10 days and could use any more suggestions you may have.  I've spent the last week relocating to Miami which is why I disappeared from this thread for a bit, it's been extremely time consuming.  I am of the firm belief that my ex is not capable of properly raising our son, I am not saying this just out of spite.

A few quick examples out of many are:

- using extreme parental alienation against me many times. 

- Cutting off all contact between my son and I many times, then reinitiating contact. 

- I believe my ex's mother is the initial Borderline

- She still sleeps in the same bed as our 17 month old son, when I've politely asked her about this she shows no awareness that it might be a possible idea to give him his own bed, even if it's in the same room.

- She cannot separate from him and allow him to be his own person.  He is literally an appendage for her, she gets freaked out if anyone else even holds him. (but then in the same minute she will completely disconnect and get lost on her instagram and wouldn't even notice if he was choking)

- She is crashing at a friend's apartment (she says he is out of town for a while), still does not have her own place or any leads on her own place. 

Today was the first time I was able to see them in 2 months (I've been here for 5 days but she said she was busy).  This morning she texted me and said she couldn't see me until after Monday, then called me and said she wanted to come see me now and see my new apartment.  I told her I wasn't comfortable being alone with her yet, but I would let her see it soon and for now we could meet in public.  She was very rude and aggressive on the phone, would not take no for an answer.  Within an hour we were meeting at Starbucks and she was extremely pleasant as if the awful 15 minute phone call had never taken place.  We ended up spending 6 hours together and went to a beautiful park.  It was a great day overall, however she tried many times to reinitiate the relationship, to initiate sex, to come inside the apartment, to discuss the divorce (in front of our son), etc. etc. etc.  Many more inappropriate behaviours, these are just the main ones.

All of the above was just today!


Here is an update on the overall situation:

- I've spent the last week relocating to Miami.  (From BC, Canada... .very far, tons of time and money put into this - I'm doing all of this for my son.  He is a wonderful, smart, and innocent little boy and doesn't deserve to grow up in a constant state of chaos)

- I have a 1 year lease on a safe/secure gated 1 bedroom apartment in a great neighbourhood. 

- I've furnished the apartment with the basics. 

- I have a modest vehicle

- I am in the process of purchasing all essential baby items (crib/bed, car seat, toys, books, clothes, diapers, food, utensils, pictures)

- I plan on furnishing the bedroom with a queen size bed for me on one side, and making the other side my son's "room" with all the baby stuff including family photo's of all three of us, including a picture frame of his mother and him with the word "Mother" on it.

- Going to put some Jewish decorations up.  Technically his Mother converted to Judiasm when she was a kid.  She does not practice and constantly accuses me of being a "fake jew" (projections).  Our Judge is jewish so I figured a nice star of david or something on the wall would look good in pictures.  (Side note: My son was wearing a cross today, she switches his religion every other day... .<eye roll>

- I'm bringing photo's and receipts of all these items to court

- I have hundreds of photo's of my son and I spending time together over the last 16 months.  I was there when he was born and have been here approx. 10 times in the last 16 months.  I will bring at least 1 photo from each visit to court to demonstrate that he and I have spent a lot of time bonding.  I also have videos of us bonding and playing. 

- We have been approved for a GUARDIAN AD LITEM and A MMMPI-2 PSYCH TEST, however there wasn't time to get these done prior to temporary custody hearing so I can't rely on the findings for this hearing (I am almost positive that anyone with a PHD could spot the mental illness in my ex)

- I have several spy video devices set up in the apartment and on my person at all times

- I have thousands of hours of audio recordings of my ex going from loving and sweet and trying to reinitiate the relationship or initiate sex (with our son on the bed next to us) all the way to extreme parental alienation.  My problem is I don't know how to get these admissable in court.  Also, it is extremely time consuming sorting through them.  I'm trying to determine if these are worth sorting through and getting ready to present right now, I have a limited amount of time and still have a lot of work to do.  My lawyer feels I should have them ready to show the Guardian, but they are not relevant for court next week.

- I have character reference letters from many professionals and friends that I've known for 10 - 20 years

- I have Dr's letters from my son's Dr's (he has health issues), stating that I am fully qualified and capable of caring for him.

- I've completed mandatory parenting courses for state of florida.  Also working on a few other parenting courses, one of which I found on this forum.

- My Mother is coming from Toronto for the hearing.  My Father and his new wife (who's 30) are flying from BC for the hearing.

- I do not believe either of my ex's parents will be there

- My lawyers strategy is to make it known in this hearing that our intentions are eventually to bring my son back to Canada



There are probably many more things I'm leaving out, but these are the essentials.  My goal is to get at least 50/50 custody of my son.  In reality, his Mother could theoretically do jail time for some of the things she's done, but I know that's never going to happen.  How do I get this judge to recognize that I am the only real option to raise this child and give him the best chance at a happy life?

FYI - My ex still makes regular comments through her lawyer or to the website that the judge theoretically reads that I beat her and she was fearful for her life from me, as well as that I hide money from her and try to starve her, that I abuse her emotionally, etc. etc. etc.   All kinds of terrible accusations.  The only one she hasn't made yet is child molestation.  Then in private she is often extremely sweet to me and tells me what a great Father I am and tells me she can see I still love her (projections), constantly tries to be intimate with me.  Today she hugged me for 15 minutes outside my apartment.  etc. etc. etc. 

Sorry for the huge post, there is just so much damn information!  I have been working on this 16 hours per day since I got here.  My only breaks have been health breaks (daily 20 minute work out, followed by a swim), food breaks, and today 6 hours with my son. 

Any further tips and advice are hugely appreciated and I will contribute back to this community 1000 fold when I'm through this nightmare.

Sincerely,

Duck

Hi Duck

Just a quick thought on the drug reference.

Could you get a drug test to prove that you are clean so if your ex raises it then your lawyer could say that you knew she would try and accuse you of being a drug addict so wanted to prove you where clean so that the accusation wouldn't muddy the waters of the case and so you could concentrate on the more important matter of your sons well being.

50/50 is probably realistic. Are you asking for more to begin with? Or is 50/50 what you hope to settle for in the temporary mediation?

It's also realistic to expect that your ex will not be accountable for any of the things she has done. Even with a hint of DV, even though you fought it and won, it's important that you do not appear to be gunning for her in court. Court logic is different than regular logic. Once in court, you will have an unbelievably brief amount of time to make your case, and in messy cases like a high-conflict custody battle (plus international aspects and DV allegations in another country), it's very likely that the judge will be paying special attention to technicalities. These are things we largely don't factor into our assessment of the situation. The reason is that messy situations can go to appeal, and most judges don't want to have their rulings overturned in appellate court, which largely focuses on the technicalities. One thing I learned (the hard way) is that a judge cannot appear to be favoring one party over the other. So don't take personally how you are treated in court. I was scolded repeatedly throughout my court appearances, only to have the judge rule in my favor. It wasn't until my ex filed appeals that I finally learned why the judge was so hard on me. There are other technicalities, too, that probably vary by state.




What do you mean that the judge theoretically reads a website where your ex is posting comments?


Be really, really, really careful around her. Decorate yourself with recording devices. I know you're already being cautious, but be extra cautious, even more than what you're doing. Getting tangled up in any kind of criminal investigation would bog you down in a whole other court and you can't have that while this custody battle is going on. It's not uncommon for women with BPD to engage in what some experts call "legal abuse." My ex, (male) is a former trial attorney and legal abuse was his tactic too. It gets to the point where you can barely explain to yourself the entirety of your story, much less the details, because everything is so mired in the technical parts of court. When you have two court processes going on, it's a very specific kind of hell. I sense you know this, but it can't hurt to repeat it. Spending 6 hours together in public seems a little risky to me. It isn't just that you can defend yourself, it's that you don't even want an allegation to be remotely plausible. For that reason, keep receipts in case you have to prove where you where at any given time. It's not fair that you have to be so cautious right now, but the court process is also not exactly fair.

With messy custody battles, court can sometimes decide to just keep an eye on both parties. This means that the first hearing/ruling will be some watered down compromise, so be prepared for that. These cases are marathons, not sprints. The more things your ex has to comply with, the better off it will be for you in the long term because she will have a hard time complying. So asking for her to complete the MMPI-2 or parenting classes, or anger management classes, or get a job, or get proper housing for the child -- these are things that put the ball in her court. And she will likely have trouble managing to handle her court-ordered responsibilities. She may even act in defiance of the court orders if she is particularly agitated when it comes to having boundaries set against her. It's also possible, if court really can't tell which of you is the problem, to assign a parent coordinator. Like any other time when a third-party professional is involved, quality makes all the difference. So if court appoints a PC to your case, get in front of that train and make sure you choose the top three candidates, then let your ex choose from them. Same with the GAL if you have a choice.

And keep in mind that whatever you agree to in mediation will likely become permanent. Don't consider it a stop gap -- judges, to minimize their burden in making sense of he-said, she-said, will often default to what the parties were able to agree to. Temporary is a misnomer. If you can agree to some things but not others, the temporary order can reflect that, at least that's how it worked in my case. So for example, we agreed to alimony, child support, and visitation, but I would not consent to share legal custody. So my order basically said, "the parties agree to this and this and this and this, except for this one thing, in which the matter must be presented before a judge." Think carefully about your bottom line, and be prepared that your lawyer may likely put some pressure on you to consent, especially if you have a lawyer with shaky litigation skills. It's a fine line, knowing what is reasonable, while also standing your ground for what you know is best. I knew in my temporary mediation that I could not get full custody right away. I also knew that joint legal was going to be our lightning rod for intense and unnecessary conflict.

Bit of a tangent, but I also found it was helpful to have my L write up the judge's orders. Sometimes you can get critical language in there that makes all the difference. Like consequences for non-compliance. Meaning, if the judge says yes to the MMPI-2, then make sure the order specifies the forensic psychiatrist doing the MMPI-2, as well as the date by which the eval must be completed, who will pay for the eval, who will be able to view the results (often, you won't be able to read, only the lawyers and the judge), etc. Details matter in our cases.

Last, tone matters. Keep a careful lid on any anger you feel -- courts place a premium on your ability to cool your jets in court and act like a responsible, civilized, polite person. Easy work when you're not in court. The opposing lawyer is going to try and trigger you, and the judge may also test your disposition. Don't take this stuff personally, it's part of the theater of court.

I guess one last thing. Be prepared for her to delay things, or not show up, and act in unreasonable ways every step of the way. Court is very stressful (as you know), and people with BPD do not handle stress. Any time she dysregulates while court is en pointe, it fills in details of a story you want to tell. It will cost you money in legal fees to show up in court only to have her not be there, so that part sucks. The rest, though, can sometimes be the deciding factor in how the judge sizes the two of you up.

Thanks for the replies! 

I will ask my lawyer about taking a drug test prior to court to have it ready for them.  Important Note: I have smoked pot within the last 3 months, but nothing else.  From what I've read, the pot might show up in a hair drug test... .  should I be worried about that?  (Keep in mind I'm from BC where pot is not criminal and just about legalized)


My lawyer used to be a magistrate and now owns her own firm that specializes in representing fathers that are being wrongfully prosecuted etc.  She also represents Mothers.  One of her main objectives is not to represent morally wrong or crazy people... .  She took her time getting to know me before she took me on.  I'm not sure if she's fully trained in personality disorders, but she's definitely got a lot of experience with "crazy mothers". 

Our strategy to start is going for 50/50 custody, and making our intentions known that once this whole thing is cleared up we would like to move back to Canada with my son.  She feels it's a good idea to take a direct, no nonsense approach. 

Regarding DV - she just read my criminal file which was quite thorough for U.S. standards.  Not because it was a big file, just because I guess they do a better job recording stuff in Canada.  She said in the U.S. I never would have been prosecuted as my ex admitted in her statement that she initiated the fight.  My ex also flip flopped several times in her initial statement.  Our judge used to be a DV judge so this is in our favour. 

The website I'm talking about is called Talking Parents.  It's basically a chat room where theoretically the judge can log in and see all of our communications, rather than trying to go through text messages etc.  The judge initially told my ex to update me every day on my son and to facetime with me at least twice a week.  She has not complied with either of those and over the last couple months fell off to almost zero contact.  We've already filed a motion of contempt because she didn't comply. 

I am always very very careful around her.  At the very least, I always have an audio recording device on me running at all times.  I have a couple challenges with the large amounts of time spent together:

1)  I really love my son and since I've missed so much time with him already, I want to spend every second I can with him

2)  My ex quite often is very sweet to me in person (just today she was rubbing my leg and leaning her head on my shoulder).  When I tell her I have to go or we have to end the visit, I run a higher risk of her turning very nasty very quickly.  I usually try to make it her idea to end the visit. 

I have no problem with maintaining my cool.  (at least I think I don't).  Lately I actually feel quite sad for my ex.  I know what's coming in court, and I think she is totally naive to it.  At heart I think she is actually a very sweet girl and I really wish things could have been different.  She breaks me down every so often and makes me wish for things to change, but I quickly snap myself out of it for my son's sake more than anything.  I do not want to be an angry or hateful person.  I remind myself every hour that I am dealing with a really sick person who needs help, not hate.  My number 1 priority is to remove my son and myself from her chaos, but once we're safe, I am very open to helping her assuming she is open to it.  She and her lawyer (and the judge) can say whatever they like.  I know the truth and I recognize the path to justice for me is through calm and rational interactions over a long period of time.  Please tell me if I'm setting myself up for a crash with any of the above statement... .

I'm fully expecting her to break any court orders.  A few months ago she couldn't even sign/email a piece of paper giving me access to my son's medical records.  I'm also prepared that she may have to face penalties for this. 

I keep receipts of literally everything.  My biggest challenge with them is organizing... .

The GAL has already been approved, but we're going back and forth between the two lawyers as to which one we want.  Apparently her lawyer (Note: this is her 2nd lawyer) has a reputation for being a real snake, and he's not approving any of the GAL's my lawyer is selecting. 


I've got a very busy week ahead of furnishing, putting together photo's, dr's letters, receipts, etc.  Please keep any suggestions coming!  I'm so glad I decided to post on this forum, you guys are awesome. 

Cheers,

Duck

Hi Duck

In the UK a lot of companies are doing compulsory drug testing. Especially in aviation. My last two employers did this and its a urine test. I believe it picks anything up from the last month. It might be worth looking into this for you but as you say see what your lawyer says. Hair tests I believe show more due to the time it takes for the hair to grow.

It might be wise to listen to your lawyer on this one -- you have a lot of moving parts here (and it sounds like a lawyer with some experience in high-conflict custody battles). It sounds like she is going to mow right down the middle with the facts and use the false DV allegation to discredit your ex. If so, she will probably treat any and all false allegations like the DV allegation should have beeen treated -- as something coming from an unstable mother.

Sometimes it's good to wait and let the court decide if it takes an allegation seriously or not before spending time and money on it. And since you run the risk of pot showing up, it seems risky (even with the norms being what they are in BC).

About the bigger strategy. I'm curious why your lawyer wants to let it be known that your intentions are to relocate back to Canada with your son. Why bring that up? I'm sure there's a good reason, just curious why she would show your hand if it's not part of the initial plan.

Also, about organizing receipts. What about a binder with a plastic sleeve for each week. Just slide the receipts in there by the week in case you have to show proof that you could not possible be in location A when you were actually in location B on time/date/day/year. Hopefully you won't have to use this... .

As for recreational drugs, it is best to be squeaky clean.  Would a good urine test be sufficient?  You may not have to go to an extreme full-spectrum test, in the initial court hearing you just need the basics, I would expect.

Does she sometimes use recreational drugs too?  If she alleges drugs, then don't just volunteer your test results but first get the judge to agree that both parents should be tested.  Then you can hand over your results.  Remember, many cases get started where one parent makes the allegations and the other parent is the only one investigated and consistently put on the defensive.  You need to get on a somewhat equal standing ASAP.


It may be good to ask for more than what you hope to walk out with.  Not unrealistically, of course.  She is likely to ask for 99.9% time, if you ask for 50%, you don't want the judge to be inclined to "split the difference so neither wins and neither loses".

Does this make sense?  "Your honor, my client presents himself as the more stable and capable parent.  He can share "their" child but it has become evident in the past few months that she cannot share "her" child, has obstructed his parenting at every opportunity and has given every evidence that she will continue obstructing him.  Therefore my client seeks to be the primary parent and whatever other relief is appropriate at this time.  However, if the court is reluctant to do so, my client will cooperate with the court's instructions and orders until the court and evaluators get a better grasp of the situation."


Then your lawyer may have to file with the court for the court itself to select a GAL from among the list of capable GALs already offered to her lawyer.  There is no basis for her lawyer to be rejecting the best GALs, evaluators and other professionals.  Either her lawyer is trying to delay the case, trying to get a weak gullible GAL, or both.

Thanks again everyone!

I have my first pre-trial meeting with my lawyer today.  Another follow up meeting on Monday.  Trial is all day Tuesday.

Re: Drug test.  We're definitely going to take the both parents should be tested approach.  I'm pretty sure I'd be totally clean, I'm pretty sure my ex would not pass.  She's had significant substance abuse problems in the past (from what I know it's mostly prescription stuff though - Valium/Ambien/etc).  Sometimes when I talk to her she definitely seems to be under the influence of something (not sure if it's something to do with BPD or if it's alcohol/drugs), she talks much slower and makes even less sense than she normally does. 

I will talk to my lawyer about the asking for more approach, I understand that completely.  Same as negotiating in business... .

As for the GAL - I think her lawyer is just a dick trying to delay and find the weakest GAL.  We're trying to get a GAL with mental health experience. 

I'm going through audio and pictures of my ex now over the last 18 months.  I have hundreds of photo's of us together and of her calling/texting me how much she loves me (before and after she filed for divorce).  We're using that to show her unstable patterns of behaviour and her false DV accusations.

Any last minute suggestions?

Thanks again everyone!

Duck

P.S.  Thanks ForeverDad.  I just copied down your entire quote about more than 50% custody and will discuss with my lawyer today.  Just wanted to give you an extra shout out! 

Cheers,

I just finished going through roughly 300 pages of iMessages from my BPD ex.  My lawyer told me to find the 10 best incidents of "General Crazy" for court next week. 

My problem is:  Almost all of it is absolutely bonkers. 

From statements like:  "I had an ultrasound.  The baby is retarded, just like you wanted"

to

Projections about her false allegations of DV against me and how she knows in her heart she is the innocent victim and I must be punished. 



I used up an entire pad of sticky notes marking all the really crazy stuff.  At some points she goes on for days texting me all kinds of terrible things with no reply from me. 


Any advice on the best type of incidents to bring to court? 

Thanks!

Duck

You're mostly focusing on blocked or limited custody and parenting, right?  So a good portion of the examples should be related to obstructed parenting and decision making.  Why not have Ten Best lists for each of... .

• (1) her derogatory claims about you (which are very likely to be repeated to your child; court may not be able to rule on events that haven't happened yet but the evaluators can find use he patterns to reach their recommendations)



• (2) her making poor comments about your child



• (3) her statements blocking or obstructing your parenting

As some others have written, print it all out — at least 3 sets so you can provide legal number of duplicate copies to the other lawyer and judge if necessary — and then have them set out on the desk during the hearing.  Your set should have the stick-ems marking the pages your lawyer will want to quote from.  The sheer mass ought to make an impact, so all will know these are just isolated instances.

I had a lot of volume too. So I created categories.

Similar to what FD is suggesting.

And give them a number count to make it easy for anyone evaluating. For example, pick the best ones that represent the tenor of what she is saying, and say for (1) there are 66 just like this. For (2) there are 103.

Be specific and factual and use numbers to communicate the volume.

We have to show that there is a pattern. That's what courts are looking for. They sort of expect some bonkers behavior around a divorce. We have to show that the bonkers behavior is on steroids.

Hey Everyone,

Thanks again for all your input and Happy New Years!  Sorry for disappearing again, I had both of my parents in town for the first trial date and have spent a lot of the last week dealing with more crazy.  Here's my concise update:

- I think court went well overall

- Both of my parents came to court and took the stand, my ex had only a friend there that gave us "marriage counselling" at one point (more on this later).  My Mom has a MSW and used to do a lot of child welfare work, so when we brought her up to testify about some of the terrible behaviour she's witnessed, the magistrate actually swore her in as an expert witness and asked her a bunch of questions about my son's alleged "disabled" development and the alleged DV incident.  Magistrate seemed to feel that my Mother was being fully honest when she said my son is developing normally and that I did not beat my pregnant wife.

- My Dad is a clinical psychologist and his testimony went excellent as well.  The opposing lawyer tried to rip my Dad apart about my smoking pot, unsuccessfully.  My Dad spoke about attachment issues and patterns of behaviour, but did not mention personality disorders.

- My ex's lawyer is trying to paint me as a brain damaged (football concussions) drug addict.  We both consented to a urine test at court - I passed, my ex failed for Xanax.  Which I remembered my ex has a long history of abusing Xanax.  I also did some research and found at least one source that linked Xanax to my son's brain malformation... . 

- At least two times during the day the judge mentioned personality disorders.  Once at the beginning - she was talking about therapy and counselling to help people get over a divorce "unless they're a personality disorder, then there's really no helping them", and at the end of the day to lawyers only she said she was worried there was a personality disorder in this case. 

- My Ex's "marriage counsellor" friend took the stand.  At one point she had offered free counselling to my ex and I to help us reconcile, which I gladly (and stupidly) accepted thinking we could fix things.  In the counselling, I admitted to seeing a prostitute once and having one reunifcation with my ex girlfriend, as well as doing cocaine once.  All three were true, and all three were brief and terrible experiences.  I spent 50 minutes talking to the prostitute about going to jail and essentially using her as a therapist... .  The counsellor friend took the stand and told the judge all of the above in their effort to paint me as a wife beating, drug addicted, hooker fiend... . 

- My ex brought a forensic accountant that tried to claim I make over $150,000/year.  To be clear - I've paid myself no more than $36,000/year since my company started in 2010.  I recently had to reduce to $30,000 due to some tough times.  I am not hiding anything, the worst hiding I've done is a few lunches here and there and an iPad that I bought for personal use.  The judge agreed to give me more time to prove the forensic accountant's findings were incorrect, however she increased my child support by allotting for DEPRECIATION of my equipment as part of my income... .  It made no sense to me but obviously I wasn't going to argue.  The Magistrate gave a speech at the end saying ":)on't worry, if these findings are incorrect, you will get a credit or a debit depending on how much money you've overpaid or underpaid".  I feel like she gave the speech to tell me not to freak out and that assuming my ex is a BPD, I will get the credit for support.  Currently, after child support and rent in USD, my Canadian income is less than those two alone, nevermind expenses.  Plus I just got a $6400 USD lawyer bill for the month of December. 

- The Magistrate was very angry to hear that my ex and I have been going on "dates".  My lawyer explained that this was the only way I could see my son.  The Magistrate ordered me 4 hours per day alone with my son and his nurse.  However, my ex denied my time the next day as she said "it's Christmas holidays and I have plans".  Then after pressure from her lawyer she allowed me to see him for 2 hours on the 24th, but only on her conditions which is at the Starbucks next to her luxury condo building.  (Side note: she is "sub letting" from a friend as she puts it in a very expensive, and very high end neighborhood.  She says she is in arrears at least 2-3 thousand dollars.  She is not even listed as a tenant on the agreement)

- The magistrate also gave a speech at the end about how she had seen many serious DV cases and she didn't believe this was one.  She said she could tell I didn't come home drunk every Friday and beat my wife.  That this was a one time incident.  Then she looked directly at my ex and said "I know you're hurt and I know it's hard to move past this, but it's time to forgive him for your son... ."  I'm optimistically hoping that that speech was about the magistrate digging a hole for my ex, so to speak. 

- On the 26th, my ex sent me a message saying she forgot that my son's primary nurse was going on vacation that day, and that I could only see my son and introduce him to my parents if my ex was present.  She said she didn't feel comfortable leaving him alone with a new nurse as she had to train the nurse.  She also said "I want to be present to present our son to you Father for the first time" - It was a strange way of saying it... .  Long story short - we didn't cave and my Dad never got to meet his Grandson.  My ex also took my son to the ER that day for a minor cold (I feel it was in order to get an excuse not to have to let me see him alone with my parents).

- From the 27th to the 1st, my ex kept saying there was no nurse so I couldn't see my son, except with her, which I didn't want to do for several reasons. 

- Today I finally got to see him.  My ex won't let him come to my house where I've set up a home, instead she made me visit with my son and his nurse in the aerobics room of her building.  We stayed for 2 hours while me ex suntanned at the pool.  As she left the room today she said "I'm sorry son, I have to leave you now because I'm not allowed to be with you because of your Father"... .  It was very uncomfortable to say the least. 



So ya... .that's how my Christmas went... .  "concisely"... .  I bought a $100 bike and have been riding 5 miles to the beach for every sunrise and started meditating to try and expel all of this negative energy. 

I'm exhausted.  Don't know what to do.  Almost out of money and energy.  Will the courts ever wake up and realize how effed up this situation is?  Will anyone ever hear my side of the story and at least attempt to help me?  and Help my son?  He's missed tons of important Dr's appointments because my ex forgets to take him.  The only Dr's she keeps up on is his pediatrician and pulmonologist.  The most important long term Doctor's are his neurogolist and his geneticist but he hasn't been to see those doctors in over a year.

We've already filed several contempts of courts and emergency motions, but it seems like that just ends up costing more money and gets nothing extra done... .My next court date is scheduled for March... .  in the life of my ex BPD that is a century... .so much crazy ___ can happen in a 3 hour time period, forget about 3 months... . 

Any advice, encouragement, direction, anything at all is greatly appreciated.  Thanks for taking the time to read yet another novel of craziness... .

Happy New Year

Duck

I forgot to mention.  The day was so full of witnesses and forensic accountants, that neither my ex or myself even got to take the stand.  That is scheduled for March... .

Hey DB,

Like you, I had a good lawyer. I also had a good judge. It's probably a little too soon to tell whether your magistrate is going to rule in your favor, but the fact that she recognizes personality disorders is hopeful. Try not to read anything into the court proceedings one way or the other -- the judge knows that rulings can be overturned on appeal if there is documentation of favoritism. And if she thinks there is a PD involved, she knows that the case is likely to remain high conflict and can potentially be appealed. If anything, the magistrate is probably creating conditions in which she can gauge where the problem is, or at least how bad the problem is in terms of your ex denying you access.

Also, you have three months for your ex to not comply with the court order. As difficult as it is, denying you access during this time will help you in March. The magistrate is giving your ex a chance to comply and show that she can follow the court's orders. A pattern of behavior that shows your ex is playing by her own rulebook, especially now that the case is active and court is watching, could help you win your case in March.

The contempt of court and emergency motions do cost money, and they do get treated like parking tickets if you look at them independently. All total, though, they can be an effective strategy.

Sorry you have to endure this runaround and stress. It's great that you are exercising and doing mindfulness -- if nothing else, these custody battles really do push us to our limits and we have to learn how to handle what can be soul-crushing stress.

Hang in there.  

Thanks for the motivation!  I've been hoping the magistrate is going the no favoritism / no appeal route as well... .

I'll keep updating as more stuff happens.

You need to document the activity each day... .

Dec. 24 - requested court ordered time with son. Ex refused due to holiday activities.

Dec. 26 - requested court ordered time with son. Ex refused due to nurse being on vacation.

Etc. Etc. Ad infinitum nauseam... .

Yes.  We've documented it all and already filed motion of contempt.  <eye roll>

So far we've filed several motions of contempt - one was because there are medical notes directly from the hospital stating - "Mother admits to not being compliant with medication administering because she feels the side effects outweigh the benefits"... .  so basically my son's mother is going against all doctor's prescriptions and making her own decisions which are severely negatively affecting my son's health... .and still the court has not done anything.

So I doubt they will do anything for her not allowing me to see him over Christmas.  It's really quite sad.  I would literally have to have her on video beating me, beating our son, giving him illegal drugs, and not giving him prescribed drugs, AND then there might be a chance the court would do something... .  but her as the mother... .she tells one person that her husband beat her with zero evidence and the court rushes in a huge defence to her, and then won't even consider reversing their initial eff up.  Tax dollars hard at work... .

Once my son has serious health complications because his mother disagrees with a combined 80 years of medical school... .hopefully then the court will wake up.

If this magistrate "gets" that there is a possibility of a PD, she may end up having less patience with your ex's stalling tactics (having already hinted that PDs don't get better).

Already the judge is commenting on PDs.  Understand that the courts generally don't try to fix people.  Yes, sometimes they'll order Anger Management classes for violence but that won't happen here.  My point is that the judge is aware to some extent that these patterns of behavior, such as blocking the father-child relationship, may never change, at least not while the mother feels so entitled.  I think that awareness is good.  However, it's not that people with PDs don't ever change or improve, the judge's perspective is likely a practical one, that they can't be made to change.  You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I think that her pattern of (1) blocking parenting, (2) obstruction of visits and (3) inserting herself into the visits ought to be emphasized somehow - that you can share 'our' child but she can't/won't share 'her' child.  My initial CE report written by a child psychologist summarized, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lost temp custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then Father should have custody."  Strong words.  But my court discussed the report with the lawyers and made no changes, just moved on to the next step in the divorce process.

Let me repeat, her setting conditions on the visits — "I have to be there" — is something the lawyers and court need to squash.  She's trying to control the visits in multiple ways.  It's good you and your parents refused to weaken that vital my time|your time boundary.  You parenting time is not "our" parenting time nor is it "supervised" time either.  She definitely has entitlement and control issues, of course masquerading as Concerned Mother.

Eventually daily visits will become burdensome if they aren't already.  You will get longer visits too -make sure overnights are clearly authorized and specified! - with less frequent exchanges.

My lawyer said Contempts after the final decree had more weight, by then the court expects the discord between parents to have dissipated.

My lawyer had a strategy for Contempts during divorce.  He warned that if we sought a decision immediately then the court would address it, make a ruling and move on, it couldn't be used if we had a trial because legally it was handled/addressed.  So we held the Contempt hearing and then suspended them.  Well, it turned out we settled on Trial Day and so we never used them.  Oops.  That was the downside.

Hopefully.  Problem is part of the stalling was taking him to the ER for a cold, which test results came back positive for bacteria and the Dr. prescribed him anti biotics and said keep him at home for the next week... . so one could argue my ex was just being safe.  

To be clear - I met them at the ER.  That boy was not sick at all.  We spent 4 hours playing together in the room.  Whatever he had was very very minor.  

My ex dragged my son to the ER a number of times to make her "my son told me... ." allegations.  At least once she even got forwarded to the regional child abuse center's floor.  Well, one time - and only one time - an ER doctor called me.  That was 02/24/2010.  I thanked her for calling, telling her that her call was the first call I'd ever received when he was still at the ER, usually I had to track down visits from the medical records.  She replied, "Oh no, we don't pay attention to the history, this is ER, we only deal with the immediate incident.  I called because I need to know, what drug did you give him?" :'(

Back story, my ex had already dropped our son off at his elementary school but called saying son had told her I'd given him a white pill.  When I told her it was simply something commonly available to help him concentrate at school (a complaint I'd heard every year since kindergarten).  Well, that afternoon she checked him out early from school, took him downtown to the Children's ER reporting he had been acting crazy the night before and saying his brains were coming out.  (I had to request the records later to find that out.)

The doctor asked if I gave him any Benadryl, Tylenol or something else.  I mentioned the Cerecomp, about 3 tablets in all for the weekend, the recommended dosage is 3 tablets daily.  He was with me 6 overnights.  She already knew about this, asked if there was anything else and I said No.

I was appalled that the doctor didn't care that some visits were contrived so a parent could posture as concerned in a custody case.  I guess I don't know children's ER policies... .

So in your incident this week, if the doctor said an infection was found and prescribed something, don't think that has to be all there is logged.  Later as Father you can get the medical records and likely you'll see temperature was not too high, baby described as relatively healthy, etc.  Mother may think of herself as MOTY and "keep him at home for a week" but that doesn't mean your ordered parental visits are automatically denied for a week.  She will of course try to claim that.

It does take a while, and it's frustrating and exhausting and expensive and heart-wrenching. Keep documenting and filing motions for contempt (maybe you can save some money and combine several into one motion, which is what my lawyer did).

I lost track of the number of motions for contempt and it took the court 3 years to see how severe my ex was, despite a serious psychotic episode that N/BPDx himself documented (over 100 messages in 12 hours, incoherent, threatening, abusive, paranoia, delusional, etc.). Over 60 filings in my case 

My appellate lawyer explained that high-conflict battles tend to make judges extra careful about following technicalities, and gathering enough evidence so that their rulings will not be overturned in appeal. It is a point of professional pride for them to avoid this -- judges are considered by the court to be the "supreme witness" of your case. They don't want a bunch of other judges scrutinizing their conduct in court and finding any flaws.

All this to explain why it seems to take so much to persuade the judge to rule favorably.

It sounds to me like you have a good lawyer.

I could use some advice regarding my laywer... . 

Today was another crazy visit.  My son's Mother refused to leave us alone, using excuses that she was setting up the baby toy's or supervising me while the nurse used the washroom.  Additionally, my son's nurse threatened to quit if she had to come to my house, like the new court order states (but I've not been able to initiate yet as my son's mother took him to the ER instead). 

These were just the 2 craziest parts of the 4 hour visit.  There were about 15 more examples of parental alienation, BPD control, manipulation, etc. 

I send my lawyer a daily update every time I see my son.  I try to keep it short, but literally almost every time, there is something absolutely ridiculous that happens and I feel the need to report.  I'm worried that my lawyer is getting annoyed with me sending too many updates... .  Any suggestions on how to send the updates?  Or maybe I should be sending them to someone else?

There are 2 primary reasons I'm sending them.  1)  To have a timestamped record of my notes and experiences day to day.   2)  For the future when I'm meeting with GAL or therapists, etc., I can look back at all of my notes and help jog my memory of the craziest stuff. 

Any ideas?  I obviously don't want to piss off my lawyer or overload her with too much info (which I'm pretty sure I've already overloaded her).

Thanks,

Duck

Why not directly ask your lawyer what's best?

I asked my lawyer a similar question at one point in the case when it became clear it was going to be an expensive high-conflict case. To help me save money, she told me to direct my questions to her associate because that person was cheaper.

My lawyer also told me to not send attachments because she charged more to open them.

Ask your lawyer if it makes sense to send a batch email once weekly listing the number of times BPD mom was in contempt of court. Since this is going to go on for the next three months, your lawyer will probably be interested in coming up with a plan to handle the volume.

Good call I will ask her.  I've mentioned it several times before via email but she usually doesn't reply.  To be clear - I have a really kick ass lawyer as well as a more than fairly priced one, I'm just overloaded with crazy and I'm trying to communicate all of it to her, which is in turn overloading her... .

I recall my lawyer asking me, ":)o you want a $5K divorce or a $30K divorce?"  I had been hounding him with every violation and obstruction.  Fortunately he didn't charge extra for the volume of calls and emails but what he was blunt about was that the court couldn't and wouldn't address every little problem.  So I had to prioritize and choose my battles for what really counted long term.  However, my divorce took nearly 2 years and still ended up way more than $5K, and not counting the next 6 years either.


I really do believe this is one issue that the court must address.  If there's a way to exchange your child and go elsewhere, do it.  Otherwise I don't know if it can wait 3 months for the next hearing.

If you feel she is doing good work for you, and she's effective, and responds when it's pertinent, that's good.

If she is not responding within 24 hours, it might be worth calling her and setting things straight. There is a possibility she is not responding to anything that isn't pertinent in order to save you money.

There are decent lawyers out there, and they know that billable seconds and minutes can add up.

Even so, it's good to make sure they are on the same page with you. They work for you... .

Thanks everyone.  I believe My lawyer has already been doing all of the stuff you've mentioned.  

I have a new question for you guys... . How do I survive and/or recover from this?  I didn't even get any of the good times... .I eloped after 2 months (yes, very immature and stupid.  I was chasing the fairy tale) and she immediately went into psycho overdrive.  

I've been to jail.  I'm broke.  I'm in a strange city in a different country.   While I watch all of my best friends thriving and succeeding and having a happy life, mine is falling apart.   Everyday she comes at me with more crazy - now she has the nurse convinced I'm terrible.  The nurse is too stupid to understand what's going on.  And on top of it, I watch this dumb nurse have a closer relationship with my son than I do (and an unhealthy one).  My BPD ___ has the nurse "supervising" me as if I'm a pedophile.  She literally stands over me half the time during my court appointed 4 hours.  I am a really nice and kind person and I love my son and I love teaching him and playing with him and would do anything to protect him.  And I have supervised visits with a dumb nurse with a double digit iq and a 6 month LPN diploma.  Wtf?

It's Saturday night.  Ive spent the entire evening documenting crazy, or researching it.  Even if I wasn't too depressed to go do something social, I have no money or friends to do so anyways.  Im the one that was attacked relentlessly emotionally and physically, yet I'm also the one being punished.  While at the same time my son could be suffering serious health complications because I can't get him to his specialists.

Any money that I could have used for my sons education or for a house is burned away a long time ago by this lunatic I call a baby momma.  

I just read about how a lot of court appointed therapists are afraid to label PD's for either being falsely accused themselves, or for creating additional problems for the true victim.  I do believe my judge is doing the full process to ensure her ruling is not overturned, but it's already been close to a year since the divorce started.

This is absolute insanity.  Our legal system is a pathetic joke.  How does one survive this and live the happy life you were originally living before meeting your BPD monster?

How is this not a bigger topic in politics?  I tell everyone I meet about this, I literally talk to the girl at target or the guy at Best Buy and find people everywhere that are being tortured by PD's.  Based on my sample size of interactions I would put the number of PD's in our society at closer to 30% not 10%.   Innocent lives are being destroyed everywhere, and the problem is multiplying because the courts are rewarding these psychos with custody and letting them ruin another generation.  This is the absolute worst nightmare I ever could have imagined.  I would rather have woken up in the walking dead universe.

W

T

F?

People need to speak up.  :)UCK BORDERLINES.  Someone needs to start sticking up for the actual victims.  I don't know how yet, but if I survive this, I will definitely be taking up any legal arms I can against these mangled excuses for human beings.  

**rant off**

(Thanks for the vent, sorry to offend any BPD's out there reading this... . You should try to look at yourself and consider your "loved ones" who you're hurting with your projections and false accusations)

Quick Update for everyone:

- my BPD ex has consistently refused court ordered visitation for me.  She always has an excuse (nurse is sick, she has plans, etc.)

- I've now met with the guardian.  Guardian was a very cool lady and I think we clicked well.  She kept me with her for almost 4.5 hours telling my side of the story and asking about family/friends/work/etc.  At one point during the initial meeting with the guardian, my uBPDx called me multiple times because I was supposed to be at her apartment building for a visit.  The guardian asked me to answer it and put on speakerphone so I did.  My uBPDx started going off on me about being late, and all of her usual manipulation etc.  I even told her at least 5 times that I was very sorry for being late, but I was with the Guardian Ad Litem and the meeting had gone longer than I expected.  She didn't clue in that the Guardian was listening for a few minutes even after repeated warnings.  Then she stopped yelling, but was still in manipulation mode saying I couldn't visit my son that day because it wasn't fair to the nurse etc.  The Guardian apologized for keeping me late and said it was important that my ex still allowed me to see my son.  Later that day when I was supposed to go for my visit, my uBPDx ignored my messages and then replied at night to me saying she forgot to give the nurse a key to the apartment.  

- Since the Guardian meeting, I've been denied many visits (I think I've only seen my son 3 times out of about 12 - each time there is an excuse, it's never a flat out denial of visitation)

- My uBPDx took over a week to setup her meeting with the Guardian.  The guardian even told her assistant to ensure they get my ex in quickly because she was worried she would be a problem.

- I've also met with the court appointed therapist once.  That was a great experience.  We clicked very well and I enjoyed talking with her.  She actually let me stay for an extra hour because my story is pretty crazy and I think she was interested in it and also enjoyed talking to me.



One concern I have:  My therapist chuckled at the MMPI2 Test, saying that it doesn't work on a personality disorder because they just lie about everything.  Is there anything I can do in co-parenting counselling (which we should be starting soon) to make sure that the therapist there see's the crazy in my ex?  



Thanks,

Duck

The MMPI-2 is a pretty well-validated test -- there are members here who's partners were diagnosed by that test. Or, if they were not diagnosed by the test, the results said, "Results suggest that person X is presenting falsely."

Zoom out a little when you're thinking about these tactics. You're looking for data points. The documented pattern of behavior is probably the most important, followed by third-party professional testimony (GAL, CE, PC, etc.). Your judge has already implied she understands PD behavior.

So getting a positive diagnosis could be a less meaningful data point given your context.

Plus, don't forget that in many courts, even a diagnosis has to be linked to adverse affects on the child. Someone with a mental illness is not the problem. It's when that mental illness impacts the well-being of the child.

If you were to get a positive diagnosis, in many courts, you would still need an expert witness who would testify that BPD mothers have an adverse impact on the child in xyz ways.

I have an excellent therapist who weighed in on my case, and I even gave permission for my lawyer and therapist to talk. At several points along the way, my lawyer and her associate said, "With all due respect, T is a really good therapist, but she is not licensed to practice law no more than we are licensed to do therapy."

The MMPI-2 is a tactical/legal tool in a larger strategy. Like all tools, it needs to be considered in light of the bigger context.

This is an important concept.  For example, imagine if she were an alcoholic.  Court wouldn't see that as much of an issue... .unless she drove drunk with the child, neglected or abused the child, that risk would definitely impact the child.

Court knows there are messed up people out there but it knows few will change by very much for the better.  It handles them as they are for the most part.  That means you may not get anyone to make your ex change or even try.  Their solution is to make orders, set schedules, rules, boundaries, etc.  Right now it's exceedingly hard to do with her still largely in charge and so entitled.  But as the orders kick in you can strengthen your boundaries, step up more and more.

What sealed the deal in my case is that my ex could not, would not follow the order. The judge is actually considered the supreme witness in a case. Ideally, your supreme witness starts to wonder why in the heck this person is not carrying out the court's orders. And if your case goes anything like mine, the target swivels from you to the judge, and that's when things really melt down for the pwBPD.

Normal, reasonable people follow the court's authority. People with BPD who are triggered and dysregulated do not, or cannot, or will not.

And your ex is delivering that to you on a silver platter.

Hey Guys,

So... .things have been getting worse over the last 2 weeks.  I think my son's nurse is actively trying to collect evidence on me, my uPDx is going into full hatred towards me mode, and now the Guardian appears to be getting annoyed with me.  Here are a few more specifics:

Nurse:

In the last 2 weeks has told me:

- when I let my son cry for more than 3 seconds I'm giving him internal bleeding in the brain (due to his medical condition).  This is already confirmed to be false by neurologist.

- that I let him fall asleep in a dangerous way and "it's her word against mine" (he didn't even fall asleep)

- Threatened to quit several times because I want to take my son to my apartment

- that I will get my son sick by having his shirt off while changing diaper (uPDx later messaged me on court website telling me I got my son sick by taking his shirt off)

- This nurse literally stands over me part of the time looking for anything she can find to write in her notes that i'm bad


uPDx:

- is being absolutely terrible to me, but around others she is wonderful

- i'm concerned that Dr's and specialists who only spend 5 minutes with her will tell the Guardian how wonderful she was.  Guardian has told me she's talking to all Dr's now.

- behind closed doors she's a disgusting human being towards me.  I always try to remain calm and emotionless when dealing with her.  Occasionally she gets to me (I had a pimple near my lip the other day and she asked me how my herpes was, so I looked at her crotch and asked her the same.  After the nurse was freaking out at me about something I asked her if she believed in Karma.  Those are my 2 worst snaps in 2016)


Guardian:

- My ex is throwing constant accusations at me.  I always concisely and professionally defend myself.  Guardian appears to be getting annoyed with the constant back and forth.  Guardian does not appear to be aware that the constant back and forth is not a regular situation between 2 divorcee's and is not a two way street

- Guardian is telling me not to argue with ex, especially in front of Dr's.  I professionally submitted to Guardian that I'm not arguing, I'm only giving the Dr's what I believe to be more accurate information as I've found my ex does not always give them the full truth (I know she doesn't tell them the truth because she's ducking crazy, but obviously I can't just come out and say that to Guardian)

- Guardian just replied with more assumptions that I'm arguing with my ex. 

- My lawyer told me to stop emailing with the Guardian for now (only 2 emails so far), because the Guardian is working on two other high conflict cases just with my lawyer alone and she doesn't want her to get overwhelmed and annoyed. 

So here's a question - what the heck is the point of having a guardian if she's overwhelmed and annoyed?  That was a great $5,000 spent... .

So, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm shocked that this insane system promotes and rewards personality disorders to abuse their spouses and children.  And I keep hearing the same excuse from "professionals" working in the system - they're overworked, there's not enough resources, these are complicated matters, etc... .    Yet not one person has taken the simple step of setting aside a few hours to review the mounds of evidence I have (and my ex doesn't have) showing a clear cut, top of the line personality disorder at work here.  Meanwhile, my son suffers daily abuse in one form or another, and I am slowly having my soul eaten by this waste of skin. 

What the heck am I supposed to do?  Any advice is greatly appreciated.  I think I'm at my boiling point.  In closing, I found this last night which I believe pretty accurately sums up most of men on this website.  (Disclaimer: I think personality disorders affect men and women equally, I think society does not treat the falsely accused equally)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOP793671p0

Thanks,

Duck

I have another question for you guys:

I have been communicating with my uPDx on a court appointed website, that the Guardian Ad Litem is now reading.  Apparently she reads all of the messages at the end of the week. 

My uPDx constantly does a few things on this site:

1)  Always changes my time with my son.  It's supposed to be 10:00 AM - 2:00 PM.  She changes it more often than not, sometimes she'll only change it by 15 minutes, just to mess with me.  I always tell her that I would prefer that we kept the schedule the same every day as instructed by the judge so that I can plan around it.  She never replies to me when I ask why she needs to change it or tell her that I prefer to keep it the same. 

2)  She will make false accusations against me, and then when I reply with facts, she just doesn't reply and ignores me.

3)  She constantly cancels my time with my son.  When I ask her to provide a reason, she just ignores my message. 


I'm worried that by constantly challenging her, by asking her for a reason why she wants to change the time or why she has to cancel my time, I will be viewed as argumentative by the Guardian.  Should I continue to asking her for reasons, or just accept that she's always going to cancel and will never provide a reason (because there is none).  I don't want to piss the Guardian off, and apparently the Guardian already seems to think that I'm arguing with my uPDx. 

Thanks for the help.

Duck

Duck does your son require a nurse be present for the 4 hours of your visit, if so can you get a nurse of your own for your scheduled visitation times? It seems this would alleviate a lot of stress for you. Using the basis that the current nurse threatens to quit if she is required to go to your home. Will you need a nurse of your own when this case is settled and your son is spending more time with you?

Another thought, are there classes in your area that you could take that would "educate" you in your son's care? A lot of hospitals or healthcare organizations offer classes to help parents with special needs children if a nurse isn't necessarily needed 24/7.


Can you elaborate?


Duck will 15 minutes be a sticking point for a judge? Probably not. If there are concerns that you are "argumentative" (you yourself are concerned) it may be helpful to show that you are more flexible and communicative. If this is just to mess with you it's working. Stop yourself when you feel your emotions rising, take a few deep breaths and respond with a more flexible response.


As hard as it is, it may be good not to respond to these at all. Document them and speak with your attorney about anything that you need to respond to. I would not defend myself in regards to false allegations on a website without the guidance of my attorney. Not only does this look argumentative but it could get you in hot water if you inadvertently say the wrong thing.  


She is providing documentation for every time she has denied access on a website that everyone involved reads, correct? Each time this happens this a strike against her, not you.



I would stop asking. Show you are as flexible as you can be without giving up time with your son. Meaning, if she's 15 minutes late be more accepting. If you are denied access for no reason document it without any back and forth. Ask your attorney if you should document this on this website or simply keep this in personal records. If a simple "arrived at 10:00am, access denied, no reason given" instead of you asking why.

Duck your situation is frustrating, most divorces with visitation issues are even with non PD'd parents. This part of the process will not last forever.

 

Hey Duck,

I hear a lot of (understandable) frustration, and not a whole lot of problem solving. It's not fair, it's also the system you're working with.

These are not necessarily ideas you should do, just ways to think about conflict so that you don't end up becoming part of the problem.

Problem: Ex keeps feeding bad info to the doctors.

Solution: Get correct info to the doctors. Explain you don't want to create unnecessary conflict, and also have a different point of view about what is going on with your son. Ask them if they would prefer you submit that information some other way.

Problem: Nurse is antagonistic and doesn't like you.

Solution: Validate her expertise and see if you can get on her page. Or look into getting your own nurse if the relationship is too far gone.

Problem: Ex is talking to the doctors

Solution: This is a good thing (!)

You have to look at this through the eyes of the system. They see a lot of people who cannot solve their own problems, so they end up in court where everyone wishes the parents could just sort this stuff out and do what's best for the child. It's hard to do this with a BPD parent, so the best you can do is show efforts to minimize conflict while focusing on your son. You are not only documenting what your ex is doing wrong, you are documenting what you are doing right.

And absolutely, the burden is on you. This isn't fair and it's not fun and it's exhausting and stressful and people will give her a lot of second chances and give you none. You have to dig deep and bring the emotional maturity to your case that your ex can't bring. That's what everyone expects from you as the non-disordered parent.

I was just reading your posts.

A few things that caught my eye:

-   She claimed her father abused her. Most borderlines have been abused, so is probably true. You will not be able to recruit him, since he wouldn’t want her talking about the abuse. He may be a potential danger to your son.

-   I love how you mention your father’s new wife is in her 30s. I just thought that was funny.

-   You said something about starving/actress model. So perhaps you have experience living in the fast lane. My advice is to let it go. Live clean. Don’t be attracted to her. Don’t be attracted to the fast lane rational such as, “I need this to blow off steam.” “She is hot.” Be corny. Danny from Full House. Children need corny parents.

My advice also is to stop talking to her. She’s getting in your head. Take whatever visitations the court gives you and climb up from there. Get a private investigator, periodically, to check up on her. If you truly feel that she is a danger, save your son. Do whatever it takes to save your son. But, don’t even try to talk rationally to her. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t reply to a text.

You asked how to get over it. My advice: Stay away and stay clean (I know you are not an addict, but don’t slip on anything. Take it one day at a time. By this time, next year, she will be a memory and not a feeling. You will be able to completely detach.