BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

My sister was diagnosed with BPD several years ago, and it was a relief because it explained many things. She copes well, 60% of the time, but lately has been losing it again. I also live almost 2000 miles away, which she does not like. When she was diagnosed, she realized she was an alcoholic in an effort to cope, but really tried to stop.

Fast forward to today's issue (you'll hear about the rest I'm sure!). On FB I saw that she had posted that someone died. She then texted me because she thought I was freaking out because her friend has the same name as our cousin (she only posted the first name). I wasn't freaking out because if it had been a family member, my phone would have been ringing off the hook. All day she was posting pics and memorials to her friend. I need to add she hasn't talked to this friend much since she stopped working with him 3 years ago. But, she doesn't deal with loss well. Anyway, she just called and whenever she calls late she's usually been drinking so I didn't pick up because I can't deal with her issues right now. Then, I saw that she texted several times and the last one was asking me to explain to my niece if she takes sleeping pills, "theoretically of course". She's been on a downward spiral lately, financially she's a mess, but it is so hard on me to support her.

I don't want to enable her, and I can't tell her much beyond I love her and she has a lot of friends/support etc. But I also can't go through the emotional wringer every few weeks when she needs help AGAIN! So, any advice on how I can help her but keep myself together? Thanks in advance!

My sister has BPD too, and lives a distance away, and I sympathize with everything that you are saying. It takes an extraordinary amount of energy to comfort her when she's having a rough time, and I sometimes do so at the expense of my own mental health.

I do have some ground rules for engagement with her.

I do not: engage while she's been drinking.

I do not: respond to threats of suicide, except to call the police.

I do not: answer my phone from 9pm-9am.

I do not: talk to her more than once a day. And that includes texts. She gets one time a day to engage and that's it.

I do not: respond to her when she's 'blowing up' my phone.  (>20 texts/calls at a time)

I do not: engage when she's projecting her emotions onto me or trying to 'fix' me.

Learn emotional validation techniques. They help a lot with BPD to diffuse their emotions more quickly. And beyond that, try to imagine a bucket that is outside of your body. All of her emotions and grief and crazy go into the bucket. They don't go into you. Do everything you can to keep emotional distance from what she's saying. Don't spend energy justifying, defending, etc. Just acknowledge her strong emotion, express your sympathy, and then get out as soon as you can.

Many of the BPD books I have read recommend having a list of ready-made validation statements and a list of ready-made excuses to leave by the phone so you don't even need to think about it. Just pick one at random, validate, and then "ding! oh the microwave is done! gotta go!" If you don't do this, you will get eaten alive by their emotional states. It's ugly to have to make excuses, but it's part of what keeps me sane.

Hi welshgreen

This is a difficult situation you're in. Have you heard from your sister again after receiving those texts?

You say your sister keeps threatening suicide so I gather she has done this before. It's never pleasant to hear a close family-member say these kinds of things. Has your sister ever gotten any targeted help for her suicidal ideation?

Dealing with a BPD family-member can be quite challenging and really take it's toll on you. Your sister has been officially diagnosed with BPD, what led up to her getting diagnosed? Is she getting any targeted treatment for her BPD? (or has she perhaps in the past?)

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily