BPDFamily.com

It's been six months since the break-up of an eighteen month relationship. Followed by months of game playing by him to keep me hooked. No contact now for a couple of months.

I'm meeting new people and someone is showing interest but I'd like it to remain platonic. I'm not ready for a new relationship.

I feel as though a part of me, trusting, lighthearted, optimistic has disappeared, or at least become latent. Not sure if it will ever come back. I'm so wary now, looking for hidden agendas, thinking about the things people say and how they say them.

It's as though I'm on red alert all the time. Does anyone else recognise this after breaking with a BPD? How long does it take to start to trust again?

It's only normal to feel that way.

You will regain yourself confidence one step at the time it's a process  , Someone is showing interest in you and many more to come .

Keep going, the only thing you should worry about is the red flags , don't give up ,,,nothing but good is awaiting for you .

keep the faith and love yourself you just graduated from BPD college and it's okay to feel nervous looking for a new "Job " lol

Yes!  The red alerts!  I started seeing someone who I *really* like, but he's got ADHD and OCD, and was up front about that.  Now I'm scanning constantly to make sure he doesn't have BPD, since the other two disorders are so frequently comorbid with BPD.  I keep trying to reassure myself, though, because he's really nothing like either of the BPD exes I've had.  We see each other a couple times a week, not all the time, and it's a slow and gradual getting-to-know-you.  No love-bombing, no savior talk, no weepy sob stories about his childhood (even though is father did die when he was 15).  I'm remaining cautiously optimistic.

I think it's because I got used to BPDex being so forward and "loving" right off the bat that I'm just not sure what to make of anyone who *isn't* that way, but I'm learning.  I like the new guy, and I like myself.  So ... .cautious optimism is the way forward, I think.  I want to date him, but I'm not willing to jump in feet first.  And isn't that how healthy dating/romance develops?

It's pretty normal to feel this way.  The trauma of being involved in a BPD changes us forever.  I never imagined there were people so toxic in this world and it took around a year after the end of my BPD r/s to really start accepting it all.  Being on red alert all the time sounds a bit like hyper-vigilance.  I had some serious PTSD struggles in the aftermath.

Learning to trust again is a long and slow process.  The wounds a personality disordered person leave on others are deep.  We all heal at different paces.  I am around 18 months out and in a pretty good place.  It's not a linear process, something can still open up a little bit of hurt from time to time.

It is wise of you to wait on a new relationship, that shows emotional maturity and healthy respect for potential partners.

You will grow back the peices of yourself that have gone mute in time.  You will be different in a lot of ways, wiser for it all.  Just talking here is an awesome therapeutic tool, to untangle the mess we were all left with.

I didn't believe it when  I was told that I was in an abusive relationship. You probably were and your trust, faith and peace are shaken. I am not naive anymore and I don't trust as easy.

I can relate with feeling like I was on high alert most of the time and picking up red flags. It was "hyper vigilance" a symptom of PTSD.

Thank you all for your replies, they help put things into perspective.

Interestingly, I am unwell today with flu. I was to go to the cinema with my new friend this evening and had to phone and cancel. He's just delivered a lovely bunch of flowers to wish me better.

I'm not going overboard because he bought flowers, or over analysing. I just think it was a lovely gesture. And I also remembered that ex never, ever, bought me flowers.

So that gave me pause for thought... .positive thought. And some reframing.  :thought:

This is good.  Sometimes an act of kindness is just that.  If you get caught up in examining every little thing, looking for red flags and hidden agendas everywhere, you will never move forward in life.

troisette,

Isn't it nice when we meet new people and they display sympathy and show that they care? Have plenty of fluids. I hope you get well soon.