BPDFamily.com

My wife revealed 4 years ago that she was raped by her older brother at age 10 repeatedly.  He was 14 at the time.  It explained a lot of the bizarre behaviors I was experiencing from her. Since then, she's attempted to heal from this and has spent the last 4 years in therapy, small groups that focus on CSA and is involved in support groups through our church.  Her therapist diagnosed her with Complex PTSD.  During her healing process, things just continued to get worse and negatively impacted our marriage and children. My wife isn't the woman I married anymore.  She has challenges with connection , honesty, personal responsibility, empathy and the list goes on and on.  I of course have been blamed for everything wrong in her life. 

So when she started therapy I invested a lot of time learning about her abuse effects as well as PTSD.  Especially the impact on partners. So many "aha" moments as I continued to educate myself. I got myself into therapy because I questioned my own sanity.  Through therapy I was able to embrace that this is not my fault, I'm just a mere projection of her abuser.  It provided me with the validation of my experience to which I wasn't getting from my wife.  Denial, defensiveness, shutting down and withholding love and partnership is what I've experienced for years now.  She doesn't understand what it means to take care of someone else needs and provide the support for growth like a healthy relationship. 

Through this, I've understood BPD is common with abuse survivors.  So I started researching what that was and I'm convinced she has this illness as well.   She would never admit it, and she's a ninja manipulator capable of morphing into whatever anyone else needs her to be.  That way she can portray victim status.  She has the outside world duped into believing she is all together. However, I know the truth. 

So here I am, at my whits end and for the first time realizing I may need to end this relationship .  It's not what I want to do, however I am responsible for making sure my needs are met and she simply cannot do that.  It's been 4 long lonely years and I don't see much changing. 

I'm torn up and really hurting over this.  We have 4 children.  The last thing I want to do is break my family up.  At this point I may not have much of a choice. I'm really looking to connect with partners that are experiencing this as well. 

It's a hard road to travel down and a lonely one. I'm sorry you are going through this. I would offer advice however none of what I have tried has worked with my Bpd husband. I'm always living in the middle of wanting to leave but staying. I also believe my husband was assaulted somehow but has repressed it. But my therapist has met with us and said there is something deep down inside going on. We are unsure as to what that is, but there is something.

The good thing about your wife is she is aware and can receive treatment and help with the past abuse. It won't be easy, but there is help and hope in that journey.

Best of luck!

Mrich,

You'll find alot of other folks who have experienced similar situations to what you have on this site.  Often it is uncanny how similiar are people's experiences.  You will find others right at the point you are... .at whit's end, wanting to stay, wanting to go.  I have 5 kids and your wife sounds alot like mine, so I might understand some of what you are going through. Your not entirely alone.  As you struggle figuring out what is right for YOU in the context of your family this site should help you in that process.

*welcome*

You are doing a good thing by coming here and posting.  There is a lot to learn about BPD, and lot to read on this site that will be informative.  Please take some time to explore.    I think the best place to start is here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0).

What I found was that there were steps I could take help make me feel better about what was going on in my relationship.   Sharing here was one of them.    I developed others along the way.   

Is there one thing that you would like help with right away?  something you would like to focus on ?

'ducks