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Title: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: unicorn2014 on November 27, 2015, 07:52:11 PM I posted this quote but nobody responded so I am going to repost it in its own topic.
Excerpt "Weak boundaries and projective identification When you're enmeshed with someone else, your boundaries aren't clearly defined, its hard to judge where your obligations and responsibilities end and your parent's begin. A parent may unconsciously project her guilty feelings onto her child; in order to avoid feeling guilty, which is common in BPD, it's particularly easy for a child to identify with the projection and feel guilty for the parent. This is called projective identification, and here's an example of how it works: A woman is feeling especially short-tempered and impatient with her young child one day. When the child says, "I'm hungry, can I have lunch now?" the woman loses her cool and screams, "I can't believe how incredibly selfish you are. Can't you see that it's not lunchtime yet?" The woman is projecting; what she really is conveying indirectly is, "I'm fried. I don't feel like I can handle one more thing, like making lunch, right now. But I must be selfish to feel that way, and I can't accept my own emotions, so I'm going to say they're coming from you, that it's your fault." The child, who believes what Mom tells her and who is trying to understand why she got yelled at for something as logical as requesting food when she was hungry, assumes that a) she's responsible for her mother's reaction; and b) she's selfish to boot. She incorporates that knowledge and toxic guilt accumulates." From Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth This is what I was talking about when it came to projectile guilt. The last time I saw my mom I had to leave the garage because she was trying to tell me a story about how her neighbor was going to file a restraining order on her for talking to her toddler. My dad tried to make me stay in the garage but I had to go. Then my mom came outside and offered me some chocolate and I found her more tolerable outside. I didn't see my parents for Thanksgiving because my daughter didn't feel well and my mom didn't even call. I think one of things I am struggling with right now is radical acceptance around how self absorbed my parents are. Title: Re: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: Thread on November 27, 2015, 07:58:59 PM After learning that my H is Bpd I am now realizing I have been surrounded by it. My mom and sister also have it and I'm like whoa this all is coming together and it's quite sad. My sister is also npd acting as well. My h Bpd mom is Bpd coming from an abusice home and his sister shows signs of npd/Bpd as well.
F my life is how I am feeling now. It's like when your marriage is struggling who do you go to for emotional support, your mom or your family, well for me I don't have any of that. Thank goodness for this site! And books. And friends. Title: Re: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: unicorn2014 on November 27, 2015, 08:04:32 PM At least you have a marriage to struggle in, I do not. I divorced my husband 10 years and my current boyfriend does not live in my state and is not yet divorced from his wife.
Title: Re: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: Thread on November 27, 2015, 08:08:54 PM Sometimes I think I'd rather be alone.
Title: Re: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: unicorn2014 on November 27, 2015, 08:22:15 PM I've been single, married to an alcoholic , divorced, and am currently engaged to a man who is not yet divorced. It's hard to say what's been the loneliest out of all those experiences. Divorce is the option I took after 5+ years of trying to make it work with a bipolar sociopathic alcoholic .
Title: Re: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: Kwamina on November 28, 2015, 12:04:22 PM Hi unicorn2014
Sorry to hear your didn't feel well. How is your daughter doing now? Radical Acceptance is hard and I can very much relate to your struggles. Radical acceptance really is something that requires continuous work: Excerpt It is hard. It's really hard. All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at. There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it. I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.' That day is not going to come. This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives. ... . If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier. ... . Now, I know that these are really difficult skills. They, they've been difficult for me. They are difficult for everybody I know. And the facts of the matter are, every single person I know is practicing these skills. But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful . The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute. These skills take time to work. But, if you keep at it, I think they will work. The subject of projective identification is very relevant for many members posting here. Do you feel like you've been able to start separating the 'real' you from the version that was projected onto you by your parents? Title: Re: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: unicorn2014 on November 28, 2015, 01:53:16 PM Kwamina, the real me doesn't even exist as far as my parents are concerned.
Title: Re: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: Harri on November 28, 2015, 03:47:34 PM Excerpt Kwamina, the real me doesn't even exist as far as my parents are concerned. Strong boundaries of self (I think of them as internal boundaries) would say "whether my parents can see me as me, or as existing outside of them does not matter here. What matters is that I can see and be me without their projections and filters affecting how I see myself or how I act and think about myself". What is important here is not how your parents see you, but how you see yourself. What are your beliefs about you? Title: Re: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: unicorn2014 on November 28, 2015, 04:00:04 PM Excerpt Kwamina, the real me doesn't even exist as far as my parents are concerned. Strong boundaries of self (I think of them as internal boundaries) would say "whether my parents can see me as me, or as existing outside of them does not matter here. What matters is that I can see and be me without their projections and filters affecting how I see myself or how I act and think about myself". What is important here is not how your parents see you, but how you see yourself. What are your beliefs about you? Harri, that's just it, my beliefs about myself are shot at this point, I'm a homemaker who is constantly worrying about money. My primary responsibility is to my daughter. Whatever small amount of creativity I can manage outside of that I do. I'm actually had a really bad night last night, couldn't fall asleep until 2am due to worry. (I am seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, am on medication and am in DBT and recovery.) Part of what is bothering me can be found on my post on the staying board, coupled with the stuff I am talking about on the coping board, and the rest that is not relevant to this website. Title: Re: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: Harri on November 28, 2015, 04:16:06 PM Hiya. Sorry you had a rough night.
Yes, you have a lot on your plate (I do read all the boards so I am somewhat familiar with your story). It is tough to find the fun and creative parts of you and let them shine in tough circumstances. I get it. I'm not sure I see how projective identification and weak boundaries are fitting into this thread though. Are you saying that because this is a rough time for you that you are feeling really down about yourself? That may involve projective identification and weak boundaries but I am a bit slow here and can't really see the connection in your post. My apologies, like I said I am slow today. Is there some specific projection of your parents that you internalized and you can now see the shame you have been carrying around since? Are you now questioning or realizing that what they have told you about you all of your life is not true about you even though you grew up believing it? Again, sorry if the connection is obvious. I don't understand but I would like to so we can chat about this. Title: Re: Weak boundaries and projective identification Post by: unicorn2014 on November 28, 2015, 04:25:24 PM Harri, I saw my mom last Thursday and it really took me out. I was in her garage with her and she started telling me a story about how her neighbor was going to file a restraining order on her for talking to her toddler and then I said I had to go and my dad tried to make me stay. I left anyway. That made me feel really invisible.
The connection to weak boundaries and projective identification is I was talking about projected guilt on my other thread and I pulled a quote and nobody responded so I reposted that quote in its own topic, which is here. I was just going over what stuck out at me in the book surviving a borderline parent, and that is as far as I've gotten. The next section is how guilt works. --- What I am struggling with today is how utterly self absorbed my parents are. Its really affecting me today, probably because I'm becoming more and more aware of it. Its like I don't even exist in their minds, just to listen to their stories. Its really kind of sad, actually. |