BPDFamily.com

*Vent* My ex is still badmouthing me and I do not understand why. I reached out a few months ago, but took the hint (i.e from no response) and stopped. I have not spoken of him to anyone beyond my T or this board. Its been 7 months now, this is ridiculous.  *End vent*

Why the continued hate? My name and other identifible information was actually on a website. Should I ask the moderators to remove it, or is doing so giving him satisfaction something upset me?

Well, a pwBPD is all about saving face.  So are you still "black" to them?  Possibly.  But remember that your ex has already started a narrative about you and must perpetuate that narrative, just like they told us lies about others whom they didn't always seem to hate.

My ex bad mouths me to anybody who will listen,tried being friends,tried sending money for her kids for Xmas,tried apologising all was met with hostility or silence,I also took the hint and to be honest I don't really care anymore. It's their issue not ours,my ex has few friends now I think she painted most of them black after they questioned her repeated bad luck... .it's gets boring and tiring,try focusing on you and let them do as they please. You really can't talk sense into them and any attempt is well... .a waste of breath

Creativum: yeah, you have a point there. Looking back there was always a "bad guy" in his life. Same with yours?

Littleoak: that was kind of you to send something for the kids. How sad she must be like that. I understand your point, but isn't there a line between complaining privately about someone and smearing them publicly on a website?

Mine bad mouthed all her exes to me and will no doubt doing the same about me.

She is, I suspect, back with the previous one to me, whom she bad mouthed.

Excuse me? I haven't 'smeared' anybody I was simply replying in my experience to your post as it seemed to trouble you that your ex was saying things about you. I think there seems to be a common trend on the site where individuals get attacked for expressing their views. Whilst I'm sorry you are experiencing a difficult time taking that frustration out on other people isn't fair,good luck to you on your journey

I understood that to mean the BBs ex was smearing them on a web site, not you.

no little oak: my ex smeared ME on a website. Used my name and other identifible details.

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BB,

Perhaps he needs a target for his own self-hatred and you are just in his crosshairs right now.  Maybe he is blaming you for his own self-hatred?  In order to make him feel better about himself he redirects his self-hatred outwardly towards you.  Given the length of your relationship with him, and perhaps knowing you will absorb some of that self-hatred, you are the most convenient and available target.  I suggest you contact the admin of that site and request to remove all the related posts and person information.

It is what it is I guess, he is ill. Right now, though I just feel disgusted.

Junior: how funny. mine just recycled with an ex from several years ago. I guess I will always be the boogeyman, however. Same for you?

C.Stein: I did have the info removed. How are you doing today?

Another day of intermittent wet eyes and extreme sadness, mixed in with some anger and remorse.

How about you?  Are you releasing your anger in constructive ways?

I had the same thing happen the first time we had a major problem, he canceled all of my accounts including phone, electric, and all credit cards. I now have a restraining order on him and he can not get near me or own a gun. My situation is extreme but what I am saying is that we can not be a victim anymore and take control of our lives, reputation, and destiny. My exBPD guy wanted me to stay the victim and be vulnerable so he could get what he wanted. I have discovered that when you are not longer a victim and vulnerable; they no longer want you and will leave you alone. For me; when I stopped being the victim, he wanted nothing to do with me. I know that is a good thing.

C.Stein: its more sadness than anger. Like most of us here I try to accept it for what it is and move forward. I had plans to meet up today with  a new friend. Feeling disappointed they did not show.  I know its "not personal" but its things like this that make it more difficult to move forward.  I do have good friends (for which I am grateful) but I am introverted and those have taken years to build. All I really want is to expand my social circle; meet a few new peoplr to occasionally hang out with. I wonder whats wrong with me this is so damn hard.


joel: yikes thats pretty bad. Good for you for taking control. How long did it take for him to finally leave you alone?

I tell the world about what my ex did to me... I use her name and court records. If it's the truth it's not slander.

BB, sorry to hear your plans fell through, or you got stood up, not sure which is more appropriate.  Rejection sucks, no matter who it is coming from.  Was there a good reason for it?

I'm an introvert too so I understand all to well how difficult it is to even meet new people let alone get to a point where you can call them friends.  There is nothing wrong with us, we just have a hard time connecting with people and making them feel comfortable around us ... .or at least I have that problem.    

hurting: agreed. What did she do to you exactly?

C.Stein: no clue what the reason was. The person was a work friend who expressed interest in attending an alumni event (we share the same college alma mater). Two weeks ago she was gung ho, but then she started a new job and as of last week stopped answering even an occasional fb message. I sent her one yesterday to see if she was still coming and no response. I was hoping she might still come. I don't know her well, so i'm sure it was "nothing personal" this is just how people are. 

Maybe she just got preoccupied with other stuff?  Probably best not to read to much into it. 

Yeah but I find it lacking in manners someone who chooses to stop responding (and hope you get the hint) rather than just say "sorry I can't make it." It may not be personal, but its rude and not what I want in a friend.  My tolerance for stuff like this has greatly diminished  after my ex.

 :)oes anyone else feel this way?

I am sorry you are going through that... .I actually did not think mine was doing that, but I have since found out he is. He actually told someone that I cheated on him and that I have a bf! I wonder how many people he has told that to? I am sure I am the reason his credit cards are wracked up (not all his hotel stays with another woman)... .and who knows what else. Its really aggravating, but the people that know us know the truth and I believe the truth always comes out! Always! I have seen it time and time again... .we have to have a thick skin when it comes to these people and I had it when I was in it... .I can have it now.

Yes.  Common courtesy would dictate at least some notification that she couldn't make it. 

Seven weeks. Its still pretty fresh.


Is it wrong to badmouth... .call our ex names, mock them, etc.?  

You have been mocking him. He is mocking you. If you want to know why he does it, you may want to examine your own motivation. Is it hurt? Scapegoating? Retaliation?

Generally, its not a healthy response.


I'd ask to have it cleared.

Really? No way? How did you find this out?

C.Stein: Yeah I will always be polite, just not extend myself again. One time ok, but  twice no. How are you today?

Skip: yes I had it removed. I was alerted to the Craigslist ad when I began getting strange calls from men wanting to patronize my "solitation" services. I do not understand why I am still black after all this time, but I just need to get to the point I guess where I no longer care.

It has been a difficult day so far.  I need to "get over it", I just can't seem to find the door.

It takes time, CS. I wish I had a magic wand to alleviate the grief now though. Hang in there. *hugs*

If you find the magic wand can I borrow it when you are done?   

I would also like to point out all of my grieving has been limited to a T and this anonymous board (which i'm fairly certain he does not visit as he believes there is nothing wrong with him). I am not posting solicitation ads with his phone number, nor smearing him to outsiders. I have not made false allegations to  law enforcement agencies (such as stalking allegations or "anonymous" tips his residence is a drug house) that could have destroyed his career. I understand and have empathy for those with BPD, my mother was one. They are not evil and absolutely do suffer; what some of us have dealt with, however, is  beyond this rhelm. It is not a borderline characteristic, for example, to exhibit cruelty to animals or choke you and laugh as you are turning blue. I struggle to have empathy for this Individual, though I certainly do try.

I don't think anyone is comparing him to you (or vice versa), nor is anyone endorsing his actions in the relationship or since. This guy to not treat you and is very selfish.

Your original question is about being painted black and wondering why. I think you can start to tap into that if you step back and think of why you make fun of his weight and eating habits (which is not part of his mistreatment of you) or comparing him to Miss Piggy. Why are you doing this? This is painting someone black.

It's likely he has a similar motivation for doing what he is doing... .although he is taking it to another level.

In any case, posting identifying information on line is shameful... .sorry you  experienced that.

One of his childhood friends actually told me. When we split up, she actually reached out to me to find out what happened. I told her the whole story! I am glad I did, because when he was home in CT. he lied to her about me cheating... .she called him out on it! He freaked out and deleted her as a friend on FB. She said she did;t care- he is a liar and always has been a liar. She has known him since they were babies! he actually triangulated me with her when I fist went up there. he told me he had slept with her! I was very standoffish with her at the time. His Mother told me, no way- she is like a sister to him. She was mad he had told me that. Weird... .the least likely one to reach out to me, ended up being a friend! The truth always comes out! I have always said that! I believe he has told allot more people this story- makes me wonder how he feels when he says my wife had an affair and has a BF and they say how awful! Knowing full well he did it and gets to see their reaction. It is strange... .I fear he told his Uncle that too... .to sure- I hope he finds out the truth if that's the case. I am sure he will in time. It's strange to go through life not knowing the truth about anything with the person you were married to. I hope the gf is seeing these red flags! I don't think so though... .she is looking at wedding sites! Sad, really sad that these people can just go around manipulating people!

Skip: I see your point. What do you feel would have been the correct way to process this? 

BlueHeron:  That's pretty funny he freaked and deleted her as a Facebook friend. lol. Busted. Seriously, the  guy sounds so cracked, does he still have any credibility? 

BeachBabe, I don't know how, but somehow he seems to! Not with her... .and most of his friend I suppose. His family knows he lies. I think he gets away with it at work and with the new gf. I just called him out on his trying to tell me he was filing papers with the courts and I would receive them after 30 days. I never received them! He said he did not file, but he would be filing for divorce, but didn't want to embarrass me at work by having them delivered to me there. I told him to have his lawyer contact my lawyer. He just got mad and said "Let it go" (as if I was the one starting this) that I didn't understand that it had to be hand delivered... .which is not what I read! We can't even file, so I don't know what he is talking about it now... .it has to be after Jan. 17... .He said he hopes I am well and honestly wishes me the best! Whatever... .I think he is just trying to make himself look good. I am curious if he really wants to marry the current gf... .I know he wants to stop paying my health insurance. We will see... .

"Let it go" = I am a pathological liar.

he hopes you are well and wishes you the best = He wants to keep you on standby.

He did not want to embarass you at work with the papers= "I am too cheap to pay a process server"

Thanks Beach Babe... .lol   Probably very true! To add to this... .he emailed me a picture that I had sent him and he said this always makes me sad... .Then he said emailing with you is causing me to have "feelings" I said what kind? He said "So all this conversation today you feel nothing after months of not speaking?"   I said "What do you want me to say... .You are in another relationship and as far as I know, getting married."  I asked him if he was planing on getting married soon, since he seemed to be in a hurry to get a divorce. I asked him if she was pregnant.I even told him I was happy for him if that's what he wanted and I would always care for his well-being.  He never answered. I said I will take that as true then. Sometimes he would tell me that he would rather say nothing then lie to me... .maybe this was one of those times... .Not sure if he wants me to think she is so I am hurt, or if she is and he doesn't want to tell me since I told him I will have no part of him if he got someone pregnant. I ended up telling him that yes, I have feelings- He broke my heart! I have been wanting to tell him that. He never responded... .maybe I shamed him and ran him off. It's still rude... .especially after he asked if I had feelings... .I guess he was pretending to care.

He is so manipulative, Blue. It sounds like he wants to keep you hanging and that isnt right. Im so sorry he hurt you! Is that how the convo ended, just no response?

I suppose he wants me hanging around... .I think he actually see's me as a mother figure. I am the only one who knows him better than his own parents. If he does start having "incidents" he may feel he needs me. Maybe that's just my ego talking, because I am sure he can have her at the hospital as well. Yes... .that's how it ended. No contact. I figured as much... .injury to his ego and he's gone... .Sweet talk and he's around. I just don't want to be part of a harem. I really wish I knew if the gf is pregnant. I don't know why... .It does bother me allot for many reasons. He hooked me that way... Lying that he was infertile. I believed him and when I got pregnant, he was in a big hurry to get married. I guess I want to know if he is repeating the pattern... .I told his Mother he would do that. On the other hand... I hope and pray she is not. For everyones sake.

Of course he will repeat the pattern. Thats a given. He was lucky to have you Blue. Not all women will be as willing to mommy him -and he knows it! Do you really think he's lying about the pregnancy?

That's the point... .he is not lying by not saying any thing... .that's how he does things sometimes... .By some stuff on the internet I think she is... I think they are not posting about it because they are both not divorced and his family is Catholic... .I am having the worst time. Between the holidays, knowing my divorce is coming up and the contact, I am heartbroken and can't seem to stop crying! I feel like my grief was delayed as others have said. I think I was in shock in the beginning. Then I kept thinking he was going to come back. Now I know it's going to really be over. Everyone tells me I should be grateful. I just can't wrap my heart around that thought. I am so heartbroken and devastated. I can't believe someone would hurt someone else this badly. I hope he miserable with her if I am honest. I know that's not a nice thing to say, but she cheated with him and deserves to have to go through this pain when it comes to her... .lessons right? I have learned allot, but I am in pain.