BPDFamily.com

Hi All

After 4 years of my life and going through ups and downs, did it ever make you feel like it was all a lie.

All the words they said, the things they did.

Yes and no.  I do believe at one point my ex felt very much in love with me.  However I feel now with more knowledge of BPD that her feelings were based on me filling the emptiness she felt inside.  I gave her life purpose again.  I helped her regain some self-esteem and self-confidence she had lost from her previous relationship.  Sadly, once she took everything I could give I got replaced.  So in a way it was all a lie because she never felt true love for me.  If she had she wouldn't have done the things she did that ripped me apart emotionally, nor would she have had such an easy time replacing me and deleting me from her life.

They love you best they can for as long as they can. They aren't capable of adult love. They don't know how to give it or feel it. Unless you're a very short term relationship like weeks . I'm sure they loved you. 4 years you will likely stand out in her mind down the road she may actual idealize what you two had, but by then you'll be moved on. They can't give more than they gave you. Even if she did try the ending would be the same

C Stein, perfectly said, this is exactly it.  She finally told me "I don't feel like you're my knight in shining armor anymore" which is exactly the quote on the home page of this website.  I think that is why I developed anxiety: I just knew that there was an expiration date to this "relationship" and I had absolutely ZERO control of that date.  Any day could be our last as a couple.

I think that C.Stein sums it up well. Even though she told me so many lies I don't see that the relationship was a lie. It all comes down to the fact that the love wasn't a true or real love.

Yes I feel like my whole decade long relationship was fake, false, a lie & a fraud.

For a woman to trick me in to having a child whilst she is sneeking behind my back with her ex, going to places knowing he will be there, staying at his house & lying to me then plotting to leave me for him then telling me she has always had feelings for him, it has made me feel like I wasted 10 years of my life on something that wasn't true.

Everyday I feel like it was a lie because of the lies and constant fighting.

Yes, I feel like it was all a lie.  My xBPDh must have said that he loved me at least 5 times a day, every day we were together (9 years).  Of course he was lying.  If it were true, he couldn't have moved on to the replacement within a week of him dumping me.  Also, if he had loved me he couldn't have treated my kids the way he did, because he would not have wanted to run the risk of losing me.  Looking back, I can see he never cared at all.  It was all a lie.  He was conning me because he wanted what I could give him.  He wanted the easy life and the lifestyle he could have with me.

I think I've said this before: It wasn't a lie - more an unsustainable truth.

She believed so strongly she made me believe too.


Fanny

Exactly!  For years I listened to the words rather than my gut screaming at me that things were not as they seem.  I questioned my own judgement for so long that relearning that my instincts are in fact speaking the truth has been a difficult adjustment.  But I'm getting there.

I think I've said this before: It wasn't a lie - more an unsustainable truth.

Very true indeed for many of us.  They can love but struggled being in love..  I believe it stems from the fact that they (and pretty much anyone) can only love another as much as they love themselves.  Since they don't love themselves, their love lacks maturity, depth and breadth.  It's resembles a teenage infatuation on steroids.  And like an infatuation, the departure and discard is immediate and abrupt.

I think they are able to love genuinely... .as long as you "supply" them enough. It's a very selfish love, but in their book this is the only way to love. So yes, they truly love but this word doesnt have the same meaning as a sane person. It's like speaking 2 différents languages!

However, the line is very very thin... .when the supply is over, they switch very quickly with no remorse and no empathy... .to feed their own needs. At this moment you realize that LOVE is alot different in their mind!

I feel that my relationship with my ex was a lie. I feel that when she contacted me and wanted our relationship back it was because I feel she was lonely and wanted someone to fill her tank up. Then she dumped me after she had gotten her fil and is probably onto the next victim as I type this!

Together 25 years, married almost 20, and she launches on a destructive journey to pursue her "true" lesbian quest.  I think whatever this is, it trumps a "lie".         

If she had told me she was a Martian I don't think I would have been more bewildered.  Not that she ever told me anything that was true... .  6,000+ nights of sleeping with someone, you kinda think you know them.

Unstable sense of self - I think this defines it.  It must be agony for them.

It was all a lie.

I can relate to this.  I also found myself questioning my gut instincts.  Now I am left wondering how many of those gut instincts were in fact correct.

I'm still in my marriage, and my gut goes off quite frequently   I have to say I hope I am wrong about a lot of things.

Its that 'hope' that keeps us entangled. Only in the end do you realize that your gut instincts were right all along.