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I believe that a married couple should try to take each other's needs into account, then try to come up with a compromise that makes everyone feel like their needs matter. I feel like in my marriage, my spouse takes her own needs into account, and often makes her plans with no consideration of me. For example, she plans family vacations based on what she wants to do with her kids from a previous marriage, then informs me that I'm welcome to join. Often the trip has been scheduled with no consideration of when I can get off of work so I can't go, but that's my problem. For our first holiday together after getting married, I told her she could plan the day, and schedule when we would get together with her family and mine. So, she scheduled the whole day with her family, then got angry when I mentioned spending part of the day with my family. Over the summer, we had planned a weekend event that I had been looking forward to all summer. Then, a few weeks before the event, she contacted her family and scheduled a camp-out. By the time I found out about it, she had already contacted her extended family, organized the trip, and made the reservations. I had to work on monday.  She wasn't willing to come home late sunday night, so she told me if I wanted cancel the original plans and come on her trip, I would have to drive separately (3 hours away). Another example, as I write this, I'm on a train coming home from a long holiday weekend with her family. My daughter is home from college for the weekend and I wanted to see her for at least one day. So, rather than come home a day early, my wife presented me with a train ticket that arrives 40 minutes from our house at 1:00 in the morning... .so I could come home by myself. My parents who are in their 70s are picking me up at the station so I can have a way home.

My thought is that I have expended a lot of energy trying to change this situation, but in the end, it's not going to change. I need to come to terms with the fact that this is the quality of the marriage I am in, and to expect more is just going to lead to more hurt and frustration. I'm thinking that I need to try to improve things where I can, but in the end, I need to just accept that she doesn't have anything more than this to give.  Do you think I'm on the right track with this approach?

Hello, BlueSky99 & *welcome*

I'm really sorry that things are so difficult for you with your wife, and I do know that so many of us on this site can understand what you are going through. I'm very glad you've found us!

How did your trip back home go? Did you have a good visit with your daughter? Has your wife returned? How are things going with her now? You are very right that sometimes we just have to accept things about our BPD loved one that won't change, and try to live with that. It's called "Radical Acceptance" and if we can get to a place where we can detach from the hurt of certain BPD behaviors and move on--while taking care of our own needs in ways that work in the marriage--things can actually get a bit better... .

Have you had the chance to check out all of the links to the right-hand side of this page? It really can help us when we get a better understanding of how our BPD loved one's mind works, and learn some of the communication tools and techniques that help us to a more peaceful relationship.


I do think that you are on the right track here, and finding this site is another step in the right direction    How are things today, BlueSky99? We're here for you, and want to help