BPDFamily.com

I am in therapy dealing with my BPD 24 yo D. The therapist tells me to tell my D that in order for her to live with me, she can't lie, needs to go to school or get a job, and stop stealing.

I value my relationship with my D, as sick as it may be. But she lies to me all the time. I recently got $26K worth of hospital bills in her name, but she swears she wasn't there. She told me she was staying with a female friend of hers, but she was living with a boy that hits her. She got caught shoplifting and had to go to a class to stay out of trouble, but told me she was going to training for her part time job (that she works at 4-6 hours a month). The list goes on and on. My therapist keeps asking me how long am I going to put up with this?

How do I set boundaries and expectations for her to live with me without having her go off on a rampage? I am perfectly happy when she's gone, even though I do miss her. But I can't turn her away if she wants to come home again, but I can't take the lying any more.

What is the best way to handle it when you catch them lying? 

Hi busyscmom,

Is sounds like your D is diagnosed with BPD?

Usually lying is a solution to a problem for our BPD loved ones. For us, the lying is the problem. All of us, whether BPD or not, try to bend the world toward us to meet our needs. People with BPD have greater emotional needs, more shame and impulsivity, so they manipulate more.

Do you think you could kick your D out if (when?) she lies? This would be hard for some people. It might be something you can do, or not, it's a matter of values.

I know how this feels. My 31 year old daughter constantly lies.  She owes $ 500,000 in medical bills, can't make her car payment, and has no money.  She just finished her residency in surgery and is a Dr. and doesn't work!  She moved back in with her dad and I and we didn't know there was a problem until after about a week in our home.  We were verbally abused, lied to and about to the neighbors and our friends, and we were walking on eggshells constantly. My husband passed away 2 months ago and things went downhill even more after that.  I wasn't even allowed to grieve because I spent all my time dealing with her issues.  She finally landed in the lockdown unit of a local hospital after making suicide threats to her cousin via text. I must admit I was relieved because I was able to get some rest while she was in.  I finally decided if i didn't tell her she couldn't come back home I was going to lead a miserable existence.  So I changed the locks on the doors and she moved in with a friend.  I have no clue where.  I'm too tired to care at this point.  I've done enough worrying rot last life time, and I finally decided I wouldn't let her ruin my life in addition to hers.  Good luck to you.  It's the most painful thing I've had to do.

It came down to that for me, too... .to have my own life be well vs everyone miserable.  My D barely talks to me now, will not tell me where she lives (far away) but she seems to be doing better and while I miss her and have mourned our relationship, life is now peaceful with lots of rest and good friends and family interaction.  At some point, I think we realize that suffering and spending money for their sakes does not help them.

My daughter is 24 and has BPD also. For me, the realization came that if I continued to allow her to do whatever she wanted while living with me her life would never get better and mine would continue to get worse. While she may never get better on her own, by allowing her to do nothing I was denying her the opportunity to try. She had no motivation to change. I was no longer willing to sacrifice myself for someone that didn't even notice. It was all about what she wanted and she couldn't have cared less about anyone else in the household. We walked on eggshells, never knowing what would send her into a rage. She went through a series of menial jobs, and dropped out of nursing school. When she was asked to pay rent, she raged about how she couldn't afford it, but thought it was perfectly okay to eat at McDonalds a couple of times a week and always had money for cigarettes and Red Bulls. She was in and out of the doctor's office and the ER for various (imagined?) illnesses and pain pills. When she went to the psych ward in May I found over 20 different prescription pills in her room! We finally told her that in order to return home from the hospital she had to be actively pursuing recovery--seeing a therapist regularly, taking any medications as prescribed, free from drugs and alcohol, etc. She then told everyone we threw her out. I do not miss having her here. Of course I worry, and sometimes cry. But I have peace in my own home again. I do not regret this decision. She is a grown woman who makes her choices. if I deny her the chance to learn from her mistakes I am doing her a disservice.

My 18 year old BPD daughter is currently in jail for a probation violation. Her life just keeps getting worse and worse. She torments us at home and I am not sorry she's not here. I am sorry she's in jail but that's her own fault.

I am supposed to take her to residential treatment tomorrow. It's taken me two years to find a dual diagnosis residential treatment facility for her that will take her and that insurance will pay for. If I can prove that she will be admitted tomorrow they will release her from jail and we will drive 3 and a half hours to the treatment center.

The stars have to line up for all of this to happen. While I have approval from insurance and the facility after two weeks of working out the details we are waiting for a bed, the judge has to sign off and then she can go.

Otherwise I guess she stays in jail. At this point I really don't know. Her daily calls to me are expensive, emotionally and financially. She's not okay. Not getting her meds. Desperate.

Yet her choices got her there. Not mine. I provided a safe and loving home, a good education and gave her all my love and energy which she consumed without any ounce of thanks or humility. And the past two years she's been so ill I don't even know who she is. The horrors are too many to list.

I pray that each one of us finds the strength to preserve ourselves and our family despite these very ill loved ones who seem hell bent on destroying it all.

My 34yo uBPD daughter was being so vile in text messages I went N/C. She tried to use my grandsons as pawns but I finally after 30 years of taking the abuse gave up. I know my sweet boys will be better off not having me come and go at the whim of their mother. I also do not want them to see how she treats me.

Rather than challenge the lies might it be more productive to focus on boundaries and the truth of them?  When our kids become adults we are not responsible for their financial obligations.  Leave alone that which is not ours to work out.  God knows we have enough to handle without taking on things that are not ours to take on.