BPDFamily.com

I think my resistance to all this is becoming low. The inability to talk to BPDh is really hard to live with. He can't or won't follow any rules of "fair fighting", the ones he was given in DBT. Things that would be a simple talk with anyone else, become a total trash fest towards me, and hostility, sarcasm, mocking, and stonewalling is always the result, with the big finale of him saying he wants a divorce. Yep, he's back to that!

This seems to happen every year around this time. He starts missing his kids(three of the four are fed up with him, and hate me for no reason), these grown "kid" adults, want nothing to do with him, so he starts moping. Plus, he has a huge bonus coming, and I think he starts wanting me gone, so he can blow the money in crazy ways. He left me last year right before Thanksgiving.

Thanskgiving wasn't very enjoyable because I knew he wanted to be elsewhere. I finally just told him to go be at his family thing, even if his kids are hostile and barely speak to him! He refused, but kept insisting it's "unfair" that we are going to MY family dinner. Uhm, we celebrate one or two holidays with MY family, and every other holiday is spent with his family!  They also have huge reunions, Quinceañeras, picnics, elaborate, planned birthday parties, you name it. There is a huge imbalance of time we spend with HIS family, yet he refuses to admit that. He actually wanted me to "split" the time at my two measely holidays, so we can spend it with his. It's not even logistically possible as they live so far apart! I'm supposed to give up my only two occasions I have with MY family, so he gets basically 100% off all holidays?

I don't see why he can't see any fairness? I don't see why he sees every thing in black and white terms. I thought his DBT was supposed to help with that? Of course he's stopped going to DBT, and doesn't seem to want to go back.

Plus, during all this, my 19 year old daughter is really having her own issues, and she knows she is, but she refuses to deal with them. I tried calling the doctor for her, but because she is now an adult, she has to make the appointment. So, I have TWO angry, mean, blaming people constantly hounding me. Tearing me down, and they tag team me. They've painted me into the "cause of all their troubles", and they have each other. The only person who ever says anything nice to me, is my daughter, who sometimes apologizes, then tries to honey up to me, because she knows she's been deliberately hurtful and mean.

I just feel like hiding.

I am so very sorry that you are going through all that! Yeah, the holidays can bring out the worst of people. Perhaps, if your BPDh and the D would be in agreement, perhaps, the 3 of you could role play as to what each of you feels. Sure, it would be hard to do something like this, but it might help.

CB,

I am sorry that you are having this difficult time.

Would it be possible for each of you to visit your own families during the holidays? I understand that it could be ideal if you could come to an agreement to see the families together, but having a reluctant spouse ( you and him- one of you would be there begrudgingly) isn't ideal.

This is a source of resentment for you- you giving up time with your family and feeling resentful that he doesn't make some compromises either. It doesn't seem as if he is willing to spend as much time with your family, but you can spend time with them.

If we even make it as far as Christmas, I'm going to suggest that he goes to HIS family. He can't see, or refuses to see that there isn't anything even close to "equality", and he's actually just being totally controlling, and only wanting his own way. I went to see our MC today, without BPDh, to get a feel for what I could do. This MC knows our history, and saw some of how BPDh treats me. I'm still trying to let some of what he said sink in. I think the gist of it is, that BPDh has to help himself(which I know), and that he can want what he wants, but that doesn't mean it's healthy, or "fair". People can want anything, but it doesn't mean they get it.

So much in this relationship, I've given up people and things to keep the peace. My family got the short shrift, because his family was HIS priority, and he made little effort to get to know mine.

I'd be more than willing to do both parties in one day, but they were both planned at the same time, and they were too far apart mile wise to make that feasible. I'm betting both our Christmas Eve parties will be the same way. I'm just going to tell him to go ahead and go to HIS party, and I'll do mine. It just isn't my idea of marriage. Again, no compromise, no sense of fair, because for him, it's all or nothing. He actually just wants me to give up doing ANY holidays with my family. I just can't comprehend how he thinks that is "fair"? Or he suggested we trade off years, meaning every other year, he gets all holidays with his family(including Christmas), and I get one Christmas every other year?

I wonder if BPD makes people more selfish? He's easily the most emotionally selfish person I've ever known. He's generous with money, and things, but emotionally speaking, and when it comes to empathy or compromise, he's flatline. And now, after a few years of getting his own way with me, he isn't dealing well with me stating I want to see my family too.