BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I'm together with my wife for over almost 9 years now. We have a kiddo who is now 10 months.

I always knew something was wrong... .but it is just a couple of months now that i discovered exactly what: BP

I'm living in Belgium and feel lost in the world right now. I try to stay rational, but I feel that I'm losing myself.

My wife started therapy, not for the first time. Losing my energy and hope, but I know i will have to struggle again and again.

Hi lannister,

you know you are dealing with BPD. Your wife is doing some therapy. You found us  :)

This is a very good fresh starting point for improving your lot. There are a few skills that make a huge difference and can be learned by anyone. It is important to note that these tools are no magical tricks but tools that require a bit of focused learning, regular application and often guidance by other users. They are big energy savers too:

Boundaries - often initially a bit scary, first ones may trigger some hidden conflicts help a lot to reduce rage, verbal, physical abuse. Once in place the pwBPD will be triggered less and if triggered the situation is usually less exhausting.

Validation - reflecting back the often negative thoughts and emotions helps us to avoid internalizing them. They also help the pwBPD to process and regulate a bit. Over time validation builds deeper understanding and leads to a healthier connection (countering the somewhat centrifugal effect of boundaries). Validation takes a little practice and energy but the skill building investment pays back in many ways beyond a romantic relationship too.

Avoiding invalidation - Tends to be effort free and reduces unhealthy triggers. A first step for us is simply avoiding JADE - Justify ourselves, Argue, Defend or Explain - as this is particularly pointless and triggering with a pwBPD. A healthy relationship has 5 validating to one invalidating exchange so avoiding invalidation on our side can do a lot to shift the balance.

You find an overview of the tools in the LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0) and they are compatible with your wife being in therapy. A good way to get started is to take a concrete skill and/or a concrete situation and write down your thoughts here. Writing clarifies your thinking, helps you to process the immense pressure you suffer under and feedback from others helps you to quickly improve your plans and actions.

*welcome*,

a0

Hi lannister,

Joining an0ught in welcoming you to bpdfamily.

It's double hard when you have a BPD spouse and an infant at the same time. Two different stresses, both can be relatively overwhelming. And for your wife, having a child on top of BPD can be very challenging. What behavior/s are worrying you most right now?

The first step is to make sure you take care of yourself. You need strength to be in these relationships, no negotiating on that one. You can't be putting out all the fires without taking time out for yourself. It sounds like a cliche but in these relationships it is essential. What can you do starting today that fills your cup? It can be small things. Drive to a coffee shop and sit for 10 minutes between home and work. Download a mindfulness podcast and take 5 minutes in the car before you walk into the house, or after you leave.

Many members here suffer from depression. A lot of members improve as they learn new skills and share how they're doing with friends here.

You're not alone. Hope you let us know how you're doing.



LnL

If you have a few minutes, take this test. Its a good diagnostic to see if depression has set in.  72% of our members struggle with this. These relationships are hard.

This is a test developed at Stanford University by David Burns, MD.  

0= Not at all        1=Somewhat        2=Moderately        3=A lot        4=Extremely        

------- 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

------- 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1

------- 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2

------- 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3

------- 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4

------------------------------------ Feeling sad or down in the dumps? Feeling unhappy or blue? Crying spells or tearfulness? Feeling discouraged? Feeling hopeless? Low self esteem? Feeling worthless or inadequate? Guilt or shame? Criticizing yourself or blaming yourself? Difficulty making decisions? Loss of interest in family or friends? Loss of motivation? Loss of interest in work or other activities? Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life? Feeling tired? Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much? Decreased or increased appetite? Loss of interest in sex? Worry about your health? Do you have any suicidal thoughts? Would you like to end of life? Do you have a plan for harming yourself?

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(https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/images/mb/depression_results.png)

Hi lannister,

You doing ok?

Just checking in.

LnL