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Long story short, I pretty much have confirmation (via eavesdropping while she was on her cell phone), that my DD16 is prostituting.  I have not confronted her about it as I know she is a flight risk.  But I will be contacting her case manager to find out how we can get her back in RTC.  My world is crashing down... .:'(      

Oh raytamtay3, I am so sorry to hear that.

Are you sure you haven't misunderstood what you overheard? I know I am probably grasping at straws, but if it's at all possible that you misunderstood, then there is hope.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom to pass on to you, but I don't, so I say go with your instinct, mothers usually know.

Good Luck, my heart goes out to you.

I truly wish I did misunderstand Tristeese.  I'll try and keep this brief, but it all started last week with DD calling me at work asking for the account and routing number to her checking account stating that her friend was going to transfer money into her account to give to her other friend for gas. A review of her account that day indicated there was a $1,000 transfer made (I'm on her account since she is under 18).   I called my DD asking for an explanation and she came up with the story that one of her friends got pregnant from some guy that she shouldn't have gotten pregnant by, and the guy in question was transferring the money for an abortion in to DD's account as her friend didn't have an account... .and that the friend was giving DD $200 to do so and that it was "hush money".  ... .DD came home the following day with a numerous bags with Uggs, Victoria's Secret stuff claiming it was from good Black Friday deals; name brand stuff - EXPENSIVE stuff.  When DD was in shower, I checked her purse to find over $500 in there.  Then I heard her on the phone yesterday morning saying how some guy wanted a date and asked how much allowance it would be.  She told her friend on the phone that she told him she doesn't have intercourse on the first date... .I think it's pretty cut and dry don't you?  After finding all the money, I asked DD if she ever gave her friend the money, and she said yes, that same day... .

I know DD isn't PG.  In fact, over the weekend I had to take her to urgent care as she thought she had an infection down there... .yup... .  And I heard her tell her friend that she was freaking out about it and how she and her friend should get checked once a month.  So her new friend is also a prostitute... .

I told my DH I have to talk to him.  I have to tell him.  The only person who knows is my sister and you guys.

I just don't understand it.  My DD has always had an obsession with watching CSI Special Victims (rape).  She knows what can happen! I have to protect her until I can't anymore. It's as clear as the nose on my face.  I'm not sure how they are going to get her to go willingly.  I'm wondering if I can have it set up where they come in and take her because she will run.  I know it for a fact. If she knows I know, she's gone.  What the heck?

I'm gonna have a fricken' nervous breakdown.  I can't take this anymore.

I am so sorry. I just want you to know that you are being heard.

As a mum of a 17yr old d I can only offer you a hand of friendship. My heart goes out to you. I can't say that I will never be in the same situation as my d has such liberal views in relation to sex. I don't know if it's a generational thing or not. Hugs

Oh Dear You really couldnt make this stuff up could you?  

I really dont know what to say only so sorry you are going through this. There is so much that must be going through ur mind right now that it is definately no surprise you are struggling to stay sane.

Have you contacted your case worker. I wonder where your daughter will stand legally as she is underage, but the men she has been "seeing" have a lot to answer for.

All the best I hope things go as well as they can.

I'm so sorry. You have been such an amazingly supportive mother through all this that you must feel devastated.

Dear ray,  I am so sorry how your heart must be breaking sending you hugs and prayers wish their was something more I could do   

Hi raytamtay3

This is a horrible thing to find out about your daughter. I am very sorry you are having to deal with this.

Have you talked to your husband about what you've discovered? If so, how did he respond?

Have you been able to discuss it with her case manager?

Risky behavior is par for the course for our BPD children. It is so scary to think of her safety, and heartbreaking that she values herself so little that she would do this. Thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers.

I don't often post recently Raytamtay but I'm coming out of hiding to say I am sending you all my prayers and best wishes. I hope that the case manager can suggest ways of keeping your daughter safe. You have done everything you possibly can. Please look after yourself. Remember self care and mindfulness. Do some nice things for yourself however small and know that we are all behind you.

My heart truly goes out to you Raytamtay3. :'(

It is so difficult to protect them from themselves. Even though they know all the risks they will still go after the thrill/money. Im so sorry

Hey Ray

Well things continue to get interesting with your dd. How old is she now? All I can think of is how dangerous this all is and you must be worried sick. I know there are services that will pick up your dd and take her where ever but do you have a place? Where was she last time?

I am in a different place now with my dd. If she was prosituting herself I would just insist she leave our home. It gets to the point where you have to let go. My dd has drug/alcohol issues it has been hard.

How has she been other than the prosituting? I am wondering if you could report her to the police and have her arrested? I feel that unless there are consequences to her actions she will continue to do what she pleases.

Sending you a big hug... .hang in there. I try to tell myself things will change... .thanks will get better. It isn't always going to be this way. Your dd is young and has time.

I would do everything in your power to end this as quickly as possible. Prostitution at 17 is generally frowned upon in our society.

I think you know your DD best, and if you say she will run, then she probably will. I also agree that you need to protect her until you can't anymore. The situation at hand is a tricky and difficult one, so you are right in trying to think it through and figure out the best way to handle it. Do you believe RTC is the best answer here? I ask because I know how my DD would react to that. She would feel like a throw away, Like I didn't think she was worth the time and effort, and then she would react and respond to those feelings. I am also wondering if there is a way to have dialogue with her about her activities without letting on that you know, just a conversation on prostitution in general. something like you are bringing up an article you read about a  17 year old girl that got caught up somehow,etc. etc. maybe just get her take on it. you could say something like, I don't understand why anybody would devalue themselves enough to sell themselves and their body, it's such a tragic situation. Or, that poor girl is so lucky she hasn't beaten or worse by one of her so called " dates ". You could toss in little comments about how you would hope your own daughter would come to you. Leave that door of communication wide open. Chances are she won't come clean, but she WILL think about.

Know that I am thinking of you, take care.

Last night DD text'd me asking to spend the night at the friend's house saying that the friend's bf (whom she has never mentioned ever before) beat her up.  I told her no and after that, all hell broke lose because I lost it.  In my mind the friend was not beaten up by a bf, but during a trick or something and I ended up calling my DD out on it. She came home and we went at it which resulted in a physical altercation (I was trying to protect myself from her as she was screaming in my face and pushing me around and I went to block a hit and hit her in the face which resulted in her putting me in a headlock and DH said she was punching me in the face too - I don't remember much because we were in the heat of the moment.  But I have scratches and broken blood vessels all on my neck which I'm hiding with a scarf today... .).  The police offered to take her to the hospital, but I've been through this so many times and because she is a minor, it was late at night, I'd be spending the night in a chair in the hospital waiting for a bed to open at a mental health facility where she would have gone for a week again.

I told her I know everything. That I overheard her on the phone and she denied denied denied... .I told her I know what I heard.

I'm not proud that I called her out on it the way I did; I should have waited until she came home and talked to her calmly - but what is done is done and I cannot change it and just learn from it.  But I am also relieved to get it out at the same time.

My mom said she came out of her room around 3:00 am asking my mom, who was up at the time, what happened last night as she said she didn't know what happened.  My DD has blacked out before when in rages which is also scary.

My DH is not happy that I told her I knew. His philosophy is that now that she knows I know, she will just be more sneaky.  Mine is that what good is having this information and keeping it to myself or just saying her away without saying why?

I am trying to contact her CM to try and find out what to do.  One thing that definetly needs to happen is she needs to go to some sort of rehab program or center because I truly believe all this IS because of her drug use. And I now do not believe it is "only" pot.

Why is it that I am the one who feels guilty?

Really? I had no idea. Thanks for bringing to that to my attention.

So DD just called me crying asking what happened and saying she was drunk last night. Lie.  I smelled no alcohol on her breath last night (it was drugs as I heard her on the phone to her friend that night saying how she knows she's not gonna remember what happened the next day). I explained the entire night and she was hysterically crying saying how I'm trying to send her back. That I am delusional .  How she wanted to run in front of a truck last night because she is terrified I'm gonna send her back. Said she can't live with me anymore because of the stress and anxiety of it all.  :)amn she's good. She always know just the right things to say to make me feel guilty about sending her away. Although I don't buy it. I mean I buy that she is terrified she's going to have to go back - who wouldn't?  I know that has to be a real concern of hers. What I don't buy is the other manipulation tactics to try and cover up what I heard is going on.

I told her we will talk more later because I am at work, but have decided that I am making it mandatory she goes to drug counseling to remain in our home. So the ball is in her court whether or not she goes back. Thoughts?

MUST    STAY   STRONG

Raytamtay3 -

Coming out of lurk mode to give you my support.  I've read your posts for months and I see a pattern of you loving your child, but struggling with the consequences of her actions.  This isn't easy, I know.  I was there myself, a few years back.  I know there's layers upon layers of emotions:  fear, guilt, anger, frustration. 

Might I suggest that you write things down, in order to focus on facts rather than the complicated emotions that inevitably surround highly charged events.  For example, make a list with two columns:  "What my child needed to do in order to stay in my home" and another column "What behaviors/actions she has exhibited".  Ignore the excuses and the explanations and just get to the facts.

I hope this will provide some clarity for your next steps.  The responsibility is hers, not yours... .

Hugs.

Thank you. And an excellent idea.

Now DD is threatening suicide if I even attempt to send her back.  It's just so amazing to me how someone can do this to themselves and still manage to successfully make others feel guilty! Making me feel like I'm the crazy irrational one.

I wanted so desperately to believe she was better. Again, I tried to will it to be.  But it simple is not true.

I have a call in to her CM. I love her so so so much, but she's got to go.  It's my fault for letting her come straight home against everybody's advice and now look. That is where my guilt comes in because now we are straight back to square one because she's my kryptonite.  I need someone to take over and just take her without me being around.

I am not a good parent. I suck.

I will keep you all posted.

You do not suck! You have to do it for her own good and YOUR own good. It isn't a question of your love. That is a given.

 Thank you.

Raytamtay3 -

My step-son also threatened suicide multiple times when we called him on his BS and enforced consequences.  My husband, who is a gentle and sweet soul, actually told him that he would be very sorry if the threats were to be carried out, but he was no longer willing to endure the manipulations as it was affecting everyone in the family.  Thankfully, once his bluff was called, my stepson never resorted to that strategy again.  YMMV as you know your child best.  My stepson's story is now transformed... .there's more details on the 'Success' thread at the top of the board.  There is hope, I promise!

Please remember that your child's behavior is not a reflection of your worth.  Do not allow yourself to be influenced by what other people will think.  That burden of guilt is not yours, so put it down and do what needs to be done, in as loving and wise a way as you can. 

Until your daughter runs up against firm boundaries, she will not need to change.  I know all your efforts have been done with the best of intentions and from a place of love.  You are a great Mom!  But now, you have to allow your daughter to find her path, however bumpy and uncomfortable that road may be for her.  It may not be what you had hoped for her, but it is her path.

Raytamtay

U do not suck at being a mum. A bad parent would turn a blind eye to her daughters behavior. You are doing/have done everything for her. Everything you do comes from love. I think you are correct in your thinking that right now you need to hand the reins over to somebody else. You have exhausted all avenues and is nothing more you can do. Your DD is in denial and using drugs. That's a brick wall right there.

I hope and pray that somehow your DD will be given a chance and I know that you will be right behind her to support her as you always are.

All the best and please take care of yourself 

I talked to her CM and he feels she needs to go back into an RTC. He is going to talk to his supervisor about options and he, my DH and I are going to meet someplace next week to discuss.  I told him how DD said the other day if she even remotely thinks she's going to put away again for me to say my goodbyes that she will kill herself, so she cannot know what's going on.  He agreed.  I also said that she will need to be physically removed from the house as she will never go willingly.  He said that is something that can be arranged.  He also said things need to happen fast because she is a danger to me which is evidenced by her attack the other night.  I apologized for being so weak and not heeding his warnings that she should not have come directly home after the RTC.  I apologized for not following through on what I said I was going to do about rehab.  He said he does not feel that a rehab facility would help DD; that she would manipulate her way around it.  I agreed.  :'(

Ray, I'm so very sorry to read what has happened with your daughter.  This is heart wrenching and I can only imagine how crushed you feel. 

Using a transport service isn't what any parent would want to do, and they exist for a reason... .to get kids into treatment who refuse to go.  The choice to do this is a direct result of your daughter's threats of suicide.  She has mandated that a transport service be used.  Work on letting go of any guilt you feel for RTC placement and using a transport service.  These are acts of love filled with selflessness.  That you are willing to suffer through it for your daughter's sake shows it to be so.

What options for RTC are available for your daughter?  Is it wide open or are you limited to certain facilities? 

Choosing a facility with heavy parental involvement is highly recommended in order to mend your relationship while getting her the help she needs.

Thanks for your kind words.  I really liked the last facility she was in and am leaning towards her going back there.  She build a report with all of the staff there and they really looked out for her and had her best interest at heart.  I think she would feel better going back to someplace familiar too rather than starting all over again at someplace new.  It's far (over an hour drive - which as I've read here is nothing compared to other facilities).  Parental involvement is strong as there are treatment plan meeting once a month, family counseling one a month and the kids earn priviledges through a merit system such as off grounds visits, home passes, etc.  

The last three months of her stay there is when she was finally following all of the rules there and that's when I thought (hoped) she was reformed and allowed her to come straight home, even against the advice of her therapist due to the last home pass she had prior to her discharge date that had been set before it.

Like I said, I did not help matters.  I take responsibility for my part. I chose not to demand she get drug tested the day school suspected she was on something. I chose to allow her to drop out for this GED program.  I chose to turn a blind eye to what I thought was "just" a marijuana problem.  But DD needs to take responsibility for hers too.  I am no longer allowing myself (today - at this very moment anyway) to take on the guilt for something that she has done to herself.  She had the opportunity to come home and live the "normal teenage life" that she wanted. She chose to put herself in the situation where she has to go back out of home.  Yes she did make some progress. But she is not fully capable of keeping herself out of harms way with the risky behaviors that she still chooses to do.

I now chose to put her back to protect her from herself again and I'm ready to deal with that guilt rather the highly potential guilt of getting a knock at my door that they found my beautiful little girl murdered, raped, beaten, etc. knowing that I did nothing to stop it... .

I would be remiss if I did not bring to light that the level of parental involvement in the prior RTC you describe is minimal.

When my d was in RTC this was the schedule of parental involvement:

4 Books family must read alongside child.

Weekly family therapy over the phone with her individual therapist.

Weekly family therapy over the phone with the group therapist.

Weekly calls home (monitored).

Once the privilege is earned: emailing home weekly.

Family weekend every 3 months where parents participate in individual and group with and without child, parents meet with educational director and experiential therapist,  (in our case it was the equine therapy director), consult with psychiatrist.

Monthly treatment team meetings and reports sent to parents.

Once earned:  off campus day visit

                     off campus overnight visit (in vicinity of facility)

                     home visit (short)

                     home visit (long)

The most common mistake parents make in RTC placement is looking for a local facility.  Looking for the best facility that can help our child/our family is #1 regardless of location (within reason). 

Sometimes we have limits on our options, limits dictated by funding, insurance, etc.  That is why I ask if the field is open for placement. 

Exactly! I think you got it! Hugs.

No, it isn't.

Hi raytamtay3

I am glad you got to talk to her case manager. Given the way her behavior is escalating, it is clear that certain drastic steps are necessary to help get her back on track. It is sad that things are the way they are, but given the reality of what's going on, some action seems highly advisable.

This is a horrible situation to be in, yet I still want to urge you not to be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and looking back at things it's always easy to say what we should have done better. You letting your daughter come back home was an act of love and also showed your hope for a better tomorrow. Unfortunately things didn't work out quite as you had hoped. What's done is done, the most important thing is that we try to learn from any mistakes we might have made and try to do better now and moving forward.


You are right that your daughter has made some very unfortunate choices. All these choices are made within the context of her being disordered and that context clearly does influences her decision process. She is responsible for her choices but she didn't choose to be disordered. She's till very young and that she did make some progress is encouraging and hopefully she'll be able to get herself back on track once she gets the help she needs.


Sometimes guilt is fear in disguise. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that it's best to do something anyway even when we feel guilty about taking a particular action. Our feelings of guilt, as strong and real as they may be, might not always be an accurate reflection of what's going on. Feeling guilty does not necessarily mean we are guilty, yet since it's your daughter it's totally understandable and natural that sending her away triggers such strong emotions in you. Making this hard decision of sending her away to get help, is an act of love too though.

Take care

Do you have options or is she placed according to the agency's recommendation?  Was the last RTC a county facility?

Thank you everybody for always being so supportive and non-judgmental of me and our situation.

DD is spiraling for sure.  I received a text from her moments ago that she was on her way by bus to her father's in PA (we live in NJ).  I told her she did not have consent to do so. She said she had her father's.  I contacted her father who said she did ask to come over by bus but that he said no; that he would get her tomorrow.

She told me she needed a break from NJ.  Said how she has no friends now in NJ "because you bugged out and nobody wants to talk to me anymore".  I'm guessing the "friends" she's made in the past 3 months since coming back from the RTC, were all in on whatever has been going on, and bailed when they saw her crazy mom  finding things out. Well good. Why were 18 - 20+ year olds hanging with a 16 year old anyway?

DD has not talked to her father more than twice since coming home. He said he's called her and she's always getting him off the phone in less than a minute saying she's out with friends. She must sense something is up and the cycle is repeating. She is going to try and get him to feel sorry for her again knowing that the only time she bothers with him is when she's in trouble with me. It's unreal. I'm not angry or upset that she's going to see him. I'm upset that I'm going to have both her and him now guilting me when I send her back. She has him listed as "sperm donor" in her phone.  It's still amazes me how the cycles repeat!

Her therapist at the RTC had said that with DD, if she does something wrong, she gives up and will keep upping the anty figuring why not, I F'd up anyway. So sad.  :'(   This illness blows.

I think you are doing exactly what needs to be done, and you should be proud of yourself for being so strong for her when she cannot be.

Hey there

My DD also runs to her dad when the going gets tough despite her animosity towards him. The sperm donor bit did make me chuckle a little  :)

Fortunately for me though her Dad is on the same page as me although he sees her as being manipulative rather than having a mental illness. I guess he hasn't done his research!

I know its difficult but try to see the silver lining. At least you know where she is and maybe its for the best that she puts some distance between herself and her "friends". Also this gives you a good opportunity to get things organised for her return to RTC next week?

Yes your therapist sounds spot on - She will up the anti until something gives.

It makes me wonder if your DD wants to go back. Deep down perhaps. I wondered the same thing with my girl too. She knew that if her behaviors continued she would be sent away. That was made very clear to her and yet she continued and in fact worse. I suppose that sounds logical to me. I don't think our DD's see things so clearly. Not yet, but don't give up hope.

Is there not anything you can do for yourself over the next day or two? Treat yourself, catch up on some well-needed (I'm sure) rest. Try to gather your thoughts and carry on. Best foot forward.

Thinking on you, you're doing fantastic  |iiii

Thanks again everyone. I agree that this weekend would be a nice respite for everyone in the house. All I wanted to do was come home early from work today and take a nice nap and be held with my Dh as he and I had discussed before learning of my DD leaving. But when I got home I was met with anger from DH when I said I was not calling tbe police when he said I should becauseshe shouldnt be allowed to continue to do what she wants, i.e, taking off to PA. I tried to explain how exhausted I am and he just smirked and walked away. I then went to take a nap alone while he chose to use the sofa (he gets passive aggressive - yeah me), and i just woke up.  I totally understand how frusterated and angry he is with Dd seeing her attack me and everything Wednesday night. But I need this brake too. Anyway, we have video cameras in our home. Common areas only. DH reviewed it when he got home and heard Dd saying she was leaving for a week. Well that isnt happening though, and I will be contacting her and her father about bringing her home Sunday. Next week is a meeting to discuss options (RTC) with her CM. Its not when DD will be going I dont think. It takes more time than that.  

Hi again raytamtay3

Is your daughter with her father now and have you spoken to them?

Great that you've been able to schedule a meeting with her casemanager to discuss options for RTC |iiii

I too understand your husband's frustration and anger, yet it's still unfortunate that you also had to deal with that on top of what's going on with your daughter. How are things now between the two of you?

Was this the first time you got into a physical altercation with your daughter or has this happened before? Do you generally feel physically safe around her?

Dealing with threats of suicide also ins't easy. I know from previous posts you made that your daughter at least in the past used to cut herself and expressed thoughts of suicide in her journal. Has she ever explicitly threatened suicide before as she's done now?

kwamina - First let me begin by saying how flattered I am that you took the time to read our struggles! Thank you for that. Dh and I are doing better.He went fishing today with his buddy, and Im very happy he did as it allows him the opportunity to blow off steam, and as it turned out, his bass pro idol who lives kind of near us,  was on the river too! So he got the opportunity to  even talk to him! Pretty cool. Dd and i have communicated via text, but it was only after I textd her bff to check to make sure she got there ok, with DD texting me that if I wanted to know something about her, to text her. My ex, her father, is being his normal... .not very nice self... .causing even more problems which is the normal cycle. I decided not to allow myself to get swepped up in the dysfunction, and tried to have a calm day by taking my anxiousness and anxiety out on my house, which is pretty damn clean right now, which Im loving. Lol. Thanks for checking in. Dd will never admit what she has done, and will continue to deflect and act like she is mad and offended I should accuse her of such a thing. I know what I heard.

Im not a very supersticious (sp?) person, but for the love of God, there were 666 views on this thread, that I had to post again ( or could have just read my post), as I cant take any chances! My sad attempt at humor.  :)

Great that both you and your husband haven gotten the chance to at least somewhat relax after those turbulent few days. Awesome that he got to meet his idol, I hope he wasn't too starstruck  Also awesome how you managed to use your anxiety in a productive way resulting in an ultra clean house :)

Sorry to hear your ex is not being very nice. Fortunately this situation is temporary and hopefully your daughter will soon be getting the help she needs.

PS.

I understand, you gotta do what you gotta do to maximize your chances! It were just 666 post reads though and not actual posts but still nice that you made another post :) Your personal post count is now already at 652 though and getting very close to that dreaded number

What a day. Too long to type, but DD is home safe tonight. Trying to decide on a punishment for taking off to pa without my consent. DH thinks I should ground her. Thoughts? And also, if u agree, for what duration?

I forgot to answer this question.  She got physical with me once before, prior to her going in to RTC.  She pushed me around. Had never swung at me like last week. She was swinging at me and pushing me around. I thought I blocked all of her hits, but my DH looked at the vide and said she got at least three punches to my face and head. She also pulled out my hair and the horrible marks are finally fading from my neck.  I did take pictures of my neck.  I didn't have any visible bruises on my face, but the right side of my head and jaw hurt.  I have never gotten in to a physical altercation ever in my life.  I felt like I was hit by a truck the next day... . 

She took picture of what she alleges I did to her mouth (fat lip).  I know for a fact I did not connect when I went to block her punch.  Have it on video too.  The older she gets, the more conniving she gets and the more afraid I get of her, to be honest.  She blacks out when she rages.  That scares me.

I can see why this type of behavior from your daughter would scare you so. BPD rages can be very scary and that she blacks out and doesn't remember what she does is concerning (and scary) too.

As far as grounding her, I agree that it is important that she understands that there will be consequences when she acts out like this. I am not certain if grounding her would in the long run also be the most effective strategy here, it might be but it's a difficult decision. Considering the bigger issue that's going on, perhaps it would be more effective to focus on getting her back to that RTC. Have you been able to talk to her? Perhaps after having talked to her it will be easier for you to decide what would be the best next move.

We haven't spoken about what happened.  Just casual conversation.

I just had a very disturbing conversation with her CM though.  Prior to her coming out of the RTC, I specifically asked him if I would have to go through the same thing (calling the police on her to build a case) if things didn't work out.  He said no... .Now he just told me I do.  I can't go though all this crap again! I am beside myself.  :'(

His supervisor wants to meet with my daughter, my husband and me this week.

I cannot believe that due to my own stupidity, we are back to square one! I am so stupid!

I told her she was grounded for taking off to PA without my permission, and she said no she isn't. That her father gave her permission. That I'm looking for any excuse to start with her. How she's begging me to stop.  That I'm trying to make things the way there were before she went away the first time. That I busted her lip and that she has pictures to prove it. WOW I cannot believe I have to go through all this again!  She's blowing up my phone via text.  Saying she knows how I know how she goes ballistic when she gets grounded for things she didn't even do. Still contending her father said she could go there. He's telling me he said he would pick her up Saturday and not to take the bus Friday.  He called me every name in the book when I had asked him to at least pick her medicine up on Saturday after he claimed he didn't get my message but than later said how he was on his way to my house until DD said she already had her medicine and I called him out on his lie... .I'm back in the twilight zone between the two of them!

UPDATE: Spoke to DD and gave her a reprieve from the grounding stating that going forward, she is to check with me first before doing such things. The only reason I reneged is because of her damn father apparently telling her it was ok (even though he denies it - I do not trust him that he didn't). Now they both know they are to check with me first. Now it's been made clear. Jesus fargon Christmas. Why do you have to spell out every single thing to these people? It's exhausting!  My DH agreed that this once, it's ok to let it go.  I feel like I need him to tell me how to handle some things now because I feel I keep screwing up.  She should still be grounded for assaulting me. But I did tell her that if she ever puts her hands on me again she will be arrested and she responded, ok.  Not in her typical yeah whatever tone either. I believe she knows she did wrong. Or at least hope so.

Back to square one. Holy mother of God please help me survive this for the next year and... .9 months (18).

Do you want to hear just how screwed up I am? I'm sitting here wishing I never said anything about what I heard to DD! That none of this would have happened if I didn't open my mouth? How I really damaged our relationship now. How maybe I didn't hear what I thought I heard? Me, me, me... .Do you see just how people with these disorder make us second guess ourselves and make us feel like we are the disordered one? WOW.  Venting here... .

Someone, please, tell me I what I wrote about what I heard (which is 100% truth) has to be what I suspect was going on. Tell me I'm not crazy? Tell me that no, I shouldn't have to apologize to DD (she's demanding an apology now).  I'm literally going insane here. I honestly don't know how much more I can take.  I wish I wasn't such a nice person like people tell me I shouldn't. It would make my life so much easier if I wasn't. Ugh.

I want to run away. 

Listen to me. No really you gotta hear this. You have got to give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can. I know what you are going through. My daughter is 34 years old and I have been going through this for over 25 years. I bet you are doing what I did. You just can't listen to her and it is impossible to do anything but keep the peace. I know.

It took me until now to be able to hold my ground. It resulted in losing my daughter and grandkids. It is ok though because I have me back. You need to really get your mind around that your daughter is sick and you are struggling. You need to take care of you.

Thanks Eye.  

As smart as I think my DD is sometimes, she's also pretty dumb. I just googled her name... .And she posted a video on instagram mouthing the words to some rap song holding about 8 $20s in her hand 24 hours ago.  I know I'm not the crazy one.

You know what. You are right. There comes a time when you just have to let go. It's not really given up on them. It's just resigning to the fact that I tried with her and until she realizes she has a problem, nothing I do is going to change it, and I need to protect my sanity. I'm done. I just can't do it anymore.  Come on 18!

You can do this. Listen to music, take a walk, talk to a favorite friend. You will get through this.

I think it might help to not focus too much on the results of your actions but more on the process through which you try to achieve the best results as possible. You cannot control the outcome of your actions, you cannot control how your daughter or anyone else will behave or respond, but what you can control is what you do yourself, the process. Just keep doing the best you can do with the knowledge and skills you have, sometimes this will lead to the desired results and sometimes it won't. We cannot control the outcome but we can control the process of our own actions through which we try to achieve results. We have no guarantee that we will get the results we want, but by focusing on the process we will be able to maximize the chances of achieving desired results.

Things have been relatively calm since the big blow up late week.  What's really odd is DD is blaming her friends for them not talking to her now... .not me anymore.  She had text me last week when she was on her way to PA saying she had to get a way from our town for a while so she can see her real friends in PA because she no longer has any friends in our town after I "bugged out".  She has been home every day and night since and I can tell she is going stir crazy (I must say, I am very tense when she's in the home just waiting for her usual badgering. Monday night it was badgering about wanting to get a puppy who will give her unconditional love and how it would keep her off the streets too).  However, she was talking with me last night asking about when the Youth One Stop Program is going to start as she wants to begin it and "not be one of those people who sit around doing nothing all day". She also called me today asking if I could give her the number to our Dr. to talk to them about alternatives to the birth control she currently uses as she feels like she's going crazy since being on it.  She's taking the initiative in other words, which is great.  

We are suppose to set up a day to meet with her CM and supervisor next week.  I decided against this week because I have my son, and I don't want him exposed to what could potentially be a rage when DD finds out we contacted her CM about what happened last week. He's already seen and heard too much in his 8 years.

nevermind

Hey Raytamtay3

Good to hear things have been relatively calm. Do you think perhaps DD had got a notion that you were thinking of sending her back? And that is why she is "behaving"?

Either way glad things have calmed down for you. Although your post "nevermind" has me wondering?

x

Nah - was just having an emotional day and decided not to post about it. Thanks!

I'm not sure but whatever the reason, I'll take it!

So it seems as if the few friends DD had are jumping ship on her as others before her have, and from what's she's told me, which is little, it isn't even because of what went down between her and I.  Although DD says it was a domino affect due to my "bugging out" that got the wheels in motion.  Turns out the girl who DD had befriended when coming out of RTC for the past two months (out 3 but was friends with this girl for two), is airing all of DD's dirty laundry to her other friends.  Basically telling them how DD used them.  I do feel bad that DD's illness affects her friendships, but it's true, she does use people.  She told me so herself. Hell we all know she uses me!  There is only one friend (transgender doll I love) that has stood by her side, but she lives in PA.  

Now DD has her sites on getting her permit... .she wants to take a driving course as an x-mas present.  :)H is against it saying how she cannot use my car and that she will try and wear me down to use my car when she gets her license, or try and steal my keys to take my car.  Why does EVERYTHING have to be an issue? I've already told DD she cannot use my car.  I was actually considering this as a gift, but now DH has me second guessing this. And I'm sure once again DD will blow a gasket as I "never get her what she wants for Xmas".  Mind you previous requests have been a tongue ring, tattoo, etc.   Uh, no.

DH is also upset because DD is using candles in her room and he has a phobia of candles and told me either I tell her to get rid of them, or he will throw them away. She's been trying to set up her room to look really nice.  Never ending. I did buy her some flameless scented candles for Xmas.

It's just so stressful trying to keep the peace. And I'm so sick of second guessing myself. Truth be told, sometimes I'd rather just separate until DD is 18 and I she can legally leave the house so as to avoid the constant tension between DH and DD. I understand how he feels. I get it. But I also feel put in the middle all the time.  I just don't need the added stress.  Just venting... .

You can get really nice flameless candles these days so that could be a compromise.

Also about the car, you know exactly what is going to happen if you let her have driving lessons, you even spelled it out, so why start the process and open yourself up to a whole lot more hurt?

She's being nice because she's been dumped by all her friends, and has nowhere to run away to at the moment. You probably also know this. As soon as she finds new friends, and she will, the whole cycle will start again. I hate to be blunt, but maybe she would be better in an environment away from all of you so she can start taking some responsibilities for her own actions? At the moment you are doing all the work and that's not fair.

She's not being nice at all. In fact she's being a little brat. I'm too blame for everything once again.

You and DH are right about the driving school.  I'm just dreading the whole blowout that's sure to ensue when I tell her that until she gets herself a job and starts saving for a car, it not even going to be considered.

As far as the candles, I agree with that too because she is irresponsible.

And trust me when I say I would welcome putting her in an environment better equipped to deal with her. But at the moment, that's not an option.

PS: I appreciate your bluntness Kate. 

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