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She told me she still loves me and wants to try, but she is desperate for money. In the past i sent her money but her behaviour didn't change. Im reluctant to help her, should she regress and change her mind days later

right now she is living with and sleeping with another guy for 2 months on and off, but making plans with me and asking me for money. We haven't seen each other for almost two years but have kept in contact, wanting to try make things work but both not meeting each others needs.

She has a history of making absurd, destructive financial blunders that cost her her job, and relationships with friends and family AND made it extremely difficult for me to work, or develop my career, with little or no cash flow.

Our conversation right now as follows:



Me: <her name, H> H, by securing $1k to <S, a person she is staying with, sleeping with and owes money to> , plus $1k to other creditors, and some for air ticket, you 100% Guarantee to get on a plane and be home for Christmas to see <T, her daughter>?

Her: Can you do $250? I will pay him $225, and keep $25 for meds

Her: yes

Her: but i needed to pay him $500 today. i shouldnt be sleeping

Her: but im so stressed out and my gerd is attacking

Me: And you will stay in C*** with <T, her daughter> until you secure a job, that will allow you some financial independence, so that you wont ever be in such stressful and detrimental circumstances

Her: yes

If you go through with this you are enabling her. She is with a new guy. Let him deal with it.

Definitely enabling her.  They are her problems, let her figure them out.  Keep your money and focus on yourself, it's not selfish.  She is an adult and can figure it out, my advice is not to enable her.

I was there a in July and many other months. One time I got a text that he would sell the dog to dog fighters if I did not get him money. I paid up and got the dog and he is with me now. I am on the offensive today and he knows not there is no way I would pay a cent. I tried so hard with this guy to help him. I would back down many times.

Hi daz_BPD,

Is her daughter from another r/s? How old is her D?

Daz, are you framing that in the form of a question?  Seems like you have been here before.  More than once.  I look back on all the money I gave my UxBPDbf and I feel used.  But what feels worse than being used by him is knowing I did it to myself.  I was the one saying yes.  Did he fabricate crisis after crisis?  Yes.  But who took the bait hook, line and sinker?  ME.

My thought is IF you really want to get her back to her daughter in a certain town, then:

1) You pay the AIRLINE DIRECTLY for her ticket

2) You pay the PHARMACY DIRECTLY for her meds

3) You pay HIM DIRECTLY for what she owes him (with some evidence the debt has been paid)

4) You do NOT ever give money directly to her again.  Can you at a minimum and as a start commit to that?

I am definitely not saying you should do any of this, but IF you are going to spend money then at least stop giving it directly to her.  If she really wants a plane ticket instead of cash then she'll be satisfied with you buying a plane ticket for her.  My sense is she wants cash, won't keep her word and won't be satisfied, but that will be important information too. 

I can only speak from my experience, but I sure as hell wish I had stopped the financial bleeding a whole lot sooner.  And indeed, had I done so, I expect his departure would not have been too far behind.  Which also would have been a Godsend. 

Thank you for your responses, indeed i know my actions so far have been enabling

@mutt, her daughter is 12 years old, from when she fell pregnant in her last school year. Her parents have raised her while she has been living in another city to study and work. She is 30 years old.

@ReclaimingMyLife, your response accurately and succinctly reflects exactly how i should proceed should i decide to help her, thank you. Of course, Im at the stage where I feel nothing I do will ever make a difference AND im still concerned that everything she has said to me are lies. indeed, i have been in this situation so many times with her - ive been going broke trying to help her.

Her recent messages are now suggesting abuse

Her: What would you do if someone hit me?

Her: I begged you for any amount so this wont happen.

By now you must be painfully aware that money never solves any of her problems ever. However, it does seem to be creating problems for you as you say you're going broke.

It sounds like she has little incentive to change. What will you do if she doesn't spend the money the way she promised?