BPDFamily.com

Good afternoon, after years of struggling with family issues and a chaotic household due to my step mother (and nobody being able to figure her out, including doctors who said they feels she is a big factor in the chaos but couldn't put a finger on why)  I think I have finally figured out what is the issue.

My real parents split up when I was young and my dad remarried. My step mom was like my new mom since she married my dad and helped raise me so I call her mom.

I work in mental health and now that I am familiar and work with individuals with different diagnosis, it seems more and more that my step mom has borderline personality disorder. After all these years and trips to the therapist, who new?

anyways I realized from a young age on was scared of my step mom, always Tiptoing around on pins and needles to please her and even when doing so she'd still have ragefull outbursts. In fact I felt going up I could never just "be a kid" because I was always so busy over analyzing everything and worrying if the next thing I did would set her off.

As is typical with relatives of borderlines, I always thought the problem was me,  that I was ungrateful or something. I would say to myself, "ah what do I know, I'm just a kid. She's older and wiser and has the authority so whatever she says must be right. If she says it's me it must be me." anytime I would say what was bothering me even if I was as polite and respectful as I possibly could, I was the bad guy for saying anything like it's wrong for me to vent. This would send her into either a rage which included throwing and breaking things or hysterically crying. Her attitude was the typical,  "woe is me," everybody is what they are because of me so how dare anybody speak up to me.

Kind of along the lines with the last paragraph was the accompanying entitlement attitude that she had... .My mother (step mom) acted like she was up on a pedestal and everyone was beneath her. (which is probably also she didn't like anybody to speak up to her because she feels her 'authority' is challenged). Things that she would be so quick to yell and judge everybody else for doing,  she'll do those very things and will have every excuse as to why she can. Usually involving the whole "well I can do that because I do so much for everyone and I can say this because I do so much for people." She doesn't work yet she has the best of everything and makes my father spend ridiculous amounts of money on her from expensive cars to expensive purses because she "earned" them and "deserves" them. And again when she does not get these things it's the woe is me game.

Another thing that she does typical of a borderline is invalidate everyone's feelings bring everything back to herself. If you come to her with a problem you are instantly shut down, told that you are bipolar (or some other disorder off the top of her head)  and there is something wrong with u. After that she then compares whatever is bothering u to herself and tries to make it seem like whatever is going on with you pales in comparison to her. God forbid you have a bad day, cry or are sick... Her first response is "God now I have to deal with u." I can remember a time when I was younger where I threw up on the floor because I was to sick to reach the bathroom and she screamed at me and called me every name in the book. That to this day upsets me when I think of it.

To boot, she gets mad if you dare go talk to anybody else besides her when u need to vent but then when u vent to her it turns into a major fight... You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

As I've mentioned, we've been to numerous therapy sessions and each one she storms off and states she'll never return. Why? Because the therapists read into her and give her advice,  she sees that as her superiority being threatened and can't tolerate it.

There's lengthy periods of time where everything seems to be great with her. Usually it's during the times that everyone is frantically scrambling to make sure that everything is perfect for her. Since everything is going her way there's no reason for her to get mad right? But u can see that everyone is desperately trying to make things perfect for her but they don't see it as an issue because they've been brainwashed. My father for instance, does not have a mind of his own anymore, his mind is whatever she wants him to think. He's been drinking a lot. Actually they both do. They have wine from the time they get home and usually fall asleep with a cup in their hand (not sure if this is due to the stress of her behaviors or if it's unrelated)

During these "good times" I feel guilty for the times I was so frustrated with her and angry with her because since she appeares to pleasant at that given moment I begin to think once again well maybe I have no reason to ever get mad at her and maybe all those times I did it really was me and not her.

But then those times when things are so bad, I get so frustrated to the point I cry. I have so many mixed emotions of anger, sadness and confusion. During these times I often get so distraught that I sometimes wonder or wish things like, "hmm I wonder if things would be better if she never came into my life? Or hmm I would love to just strangle her." and it makes it hard for me to get close and feel positive emotion towards her. But of course, then I feel guilt, I start thinking that maybe I am an ungrateful selfish Bratt for thinking those things.

The part that frustrates me the most is that I feel people sometime think it's me when I tell them because she puts on such a happy perfect act the second she's in public. So that reinforces my confused feelings of guilt. It sometimes gets to the point where I feel detached from reality and feel that I don't even know what to think or how to think for myself.

There's times (in continuation of one of the above paragraphs) when my mother is very supportive of me. For instance when I came out to her about my sexuality. She was so so supportive and seemingly understanding. So again, that makes me think, if she's that supportive how can she really be that bad on other occasions leading me to believe once again it's me. Also,  she'll tell me I need to make decisions that are best for me (there's a catch thought, she'll say that with the ultimate choice in her mind that SHE wants or expect me to pick). So if I make a choice and it doesn't match what she wants she'll get mad and say, "well I was hoping or assuming you'd pick the other."

My mother however never had some other impulsive characteristaics of BPD such as self harm, risky sexual behaviors, or gambling. Her impulsiveness was more manifested with things like road rage and excessively working out to the point of ruining her joints. She did have a bad eating disorder when younger. And although she eats now, I feel like her disorder now manifests itself in a different way, which is excessively working out and feeling the need to lose weight even though she is a rail.

Also missing with her was the lack of stable relationships. I truly believe this is because everyone she meets she is able to get them to bow down to her every move and so she never had a reason to be "fed up" with their relationship. I have noticed tho that if someone doesn't fit her perception of the "ideal person," she isn't necessarily mean, but rather just drops them. Like a bad habit.

Sorry this is so long but I needed to vent with people that will hopefully understand. Please let me know what you think because as usual, I feel so lost and confused.

Hello DiagnosisX27,

It sounds like the logical part of your mind has known for a long time that something was not right. The throwing up incident sounds traumatizing  0

You're an adult now, but every adult is still the child of his or her parents.

What's the level of contact you have with her these days, and how do you feel that it might be interfering with your life? I hope to hear more and how best we can support you.

*welcome*

Turkish

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my entire thread (I know it was a lengthy one) so I greatly appreciate that.

I feel bad for venting on here but I feel as though I need someone who night understand. As I said it hasn't been officially diagnosed so I feel bad making assumptions, but all signs point to BPD.  It has definitely been a problem for years.

From what you read and I described, does it sound like BPD?

And I have a lot of contact with my family (well between work and school). But I am close with my family. That's why I'm so fearful so say anything because I don't want to make my mother mad and ruin family relationships because as I mentioned when things are good they seem great. Plus by nature, I am a people pleaser, since I was young I always have been the peace maker that wants to make everyone happy so it's not normally like me to say anything. When I do, I fee bad

Here is some info to digest which may help:

The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder  (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm)

What is BPD (48 minute video) (https://bpdfamily.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/what-is-borderline-personality-disorder.html)



Growing up being fearful of a parent is horrible. Then, just as now, you aren't responsible for your mother's feelings.  :)

I'm currently dealing with the same thing. I've been trying to figure out what to do forever. Did you ever figure out what to do about it? I have to deal with this for another year. My dad's always busy working so it's usually just me and my step mom with all my half siblings. I don't feel comfortable around her but when those good moments come I am so happy. I know exactly what you mean. I used to only see my dad 3x a year and that was hard and I thought if they moved here all would be better. I was dead wrong. They left their family when they moved and I've gotten told it's my fault and stuff before and that I shouldn't go to events with my cousin(and have not been allowed to go before when my whole family hung out) because they sacrificed so much for me. It's just hard because I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice?

Hi DiagnosisX27  :hi:

A lot of the things you wrote about your stepmother remind me of my mother, whom I suspect has BPD. Please understand I'm not a professional able to give a diagnosis, just speaking from personal experience and amateur research on the subject.

Here are the things you said that I can relate to, and that I also think are hallmarks of relationships with a parent who has BPD:




This one is the FOG speaking (fear, obligation, and guilt).


Yep, the 'waif' or self-victimization mode.


Queen mode


Inability to think about one's own feelings and behavior in the context of a larger social situation with competing priorities, and especially when negative feelings are heightened




Yep, relatable!


Reminds me of my own dad back when my parents were together.


Also very relatable!


Feels like you just quoted my own mom  :)


Road rage definitely fits with the impulsive and risky behaviors, but I think the working out and eating disorder are more the compulsive type of behavior. From what you described of your stepmother asking your father to buy her lots of excessive things, she could have impulsive purchasing behavior in line with this BPD trait.


I feel for you. It's great that you got up the courage to get on this website and start addressing this painful family situation. Does it help to read which of these situations are relatable for others like myself?

When I lived at home and at my mother's whim, I often struggled with depression and feelings of being 'stuck' and like things could never get better. It helped me to focus on school and work, with the goal of becoming independent. That was my 'solution' to the most acute problem at hand. Now I'm living on my own and don't feel stuck so often, and am grappling with what level of relationship to maintain. I think for you, it could help to focus on things you can control, whether it's work, or a hobby, and take joy in those experiences. It will take time to learn strategies for communicating with your family members while distancing yourself their drama and to figure out the level of relationship you want to maintain with these folks. Like others have told me, be patient with yourself.  :hug:

I have struggled with this, too -- none of the disordered people in my life have been diagnosed with BPD and while each one exhibits BPD traits in different ways, there is a pattern there that is undeniable.

Sometimes, I think we crave a diagnosis because it will stand in as the ultimate validation, confirming that what we experienced as children was real.

However, even if your stepmom evaded a clinical dx, she shares many traits. Even those alone are traumatizing for children to experience as regular parts of the family dynamic.

What's important is healing. And finding some relief in making sense of her behaviors so you aren't blaming yourself for what are her failings.

Hi DiagnosisX27 and welcome to the forum,

I agree with livednlearned, even if she evaded a diagnosis of BPD, everything you describe remains a highly unstable environment which is hard for a child to comprehend, creating trauma and undue hardship on you growing up...

If you feel, in your gut, that she is BPD, then she is. This is your truth for now, and stick to it... A diagnosis, even only by and for yourself, can open the door to tools, and sudden validation and understanding. The more we read on the PD, the more we can understand it and decide what is best for our own healing.

My mother is not diagnosed either. My therapist confirmed, through my lense, that she exhibits many traits of BPD, or at least of a Cluster B PD. It helped to hear it, to hear someone say it and know that I am not crazy, but in the end, it doesn't change the damages I have to undo because of her.

Know that I personally agree with your conclusion that your stepmom likely is borderline.

How do you feel, knowing that the child you were was never the problem?