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well to make a long story shorter... .my husband learned 6 years ago that his sister J, made up a whopper of a story that  he had raped another sister when they were young.  supposively he was 15 and the younger sister was 12.  Everyone she claims was involve totally disagree and say she is lying.  the sister who she claims was the victim gets very upset and has begun to have anxiety over this.  J talks about it with her constantly and tries to get her to change her story from, no he didn't, to yes he did (for 6 years).   I did not know his family back then but don't believe it happened.  

1. my husband is not that kind of guy.

2. this story has only been in existence for 6 years,  before that he was the favorite Uncle spending time and babysitting all of his sisters (he has 4 of them) kids. he was trusted to babysit 4 little girls  at least once a month for years.  I really don't believe that sisters who knew a brother who has raped would leave the girls with that brother alone.

3. In the last 10 years J has had a very difficult time. Super violent outbursts, physical fights, lying about everything, getting band from her kids high school for anger issues. Her husbands family is in disarray over her crap as well.

4. arm twisting, to getting people to back her up ( I guess this is something she has been able to do since she was a little girl, my husband has many memories of her getting him into trouble by telling tales and his parents buying it.  He says he and his siblings were all a little afraid of her because she was just mean.  and manipulated things to go her way).

 So now she is spreading this "rumor" with in the family.  She has everyone upset... my sister in-law (the victim), my husband, his parents.  She wont let it go.  She keeps changing the story by little bits.  Now the kids have heard the story (she told them) my kids, her kids all the nieces and nephews (13yrs to 33 years old).  Now a new twist, she swears that I started the rumor. I made it all up and wrote in a journal that her daughter read.  She is holding something over her daughters head, and her daughter backs her up. Her daughter states; she read my journal, at my house when she was 14. (I don't have a journal).

 Also, for the last 6 years my daughter and I seem to be her pressure release valve.  When we are around her she is almost certain to explode into a ugly,foul mouthed temper tantrum.  She doesn't care who she hurts or scares (even 2 year old babies).She has been asked to stay away from her parents home, when we are there (the only place we run into her) but will not comply with her parents wishes.

  What do we do?  We've tried to ignore, to avoid,to laugh it off, we"ve got down to her level a couple time to yell it out.  Nothing works.  In the end my family loses, we're the ones not there with everyone on xmas, thanksgiving etc.  Her parents and sisters,  act like the kids that circle a fight on the play ground.  No on brave enough to step in to help defend the victim.  Everyone is riding the fence, so they won't be on the receiving end of J.  She also picks fights with anyone who questions her or defends us.  She called to cuss out a younger sister every day for a month(because she defended her brother).

 Everyone is trying to maintain some kind of relationship with her, except us. They are afraid to defend us and don't anymore.

 I'm tired of taking the high road.  I'm losing this game.  I'm tired of taking it, I'm frustrated, I'm tired and ready to write of the whole lot of them.  I don't get how this family can act like this as a whole.  I'm discussed with all of them.

  If there is anything I can do different please let me know.

 She has not gotten help for her issues.  No formal diagnosis as far as I know.  No medication.She does smoke pot daily and has for years, has been arrested, and has had restraining orders against her (by a neighbor).

Help.

juju

Failed to mention: No one believes her accusation of rape. none of her siblings or parents.  They say quietly to us; "we know its a lie, but she'e so unhappy in her life.  That's quite a thing to accuse someone of, very hurtful.  Its has put my husband and I in the position of having to have a very sad conversation with our kids.  It's not right that she gets away with this.

Hi juju

I am very sorry you and your husband are having to deal with such a difficult situation. His sister is making some very serious accusations and I can totally see why this would anger and frustrate you.

Based on your post, nobody believes her accusations yet she still continues spreading this story.

You mention that in the last 10 years she has been lying about everything. Are there also other major things you believe she has lied about?

It seems his family might be totally in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog). To help protect yourself from all this negativity, I think it probably is necessary to firmly set and enforce/defend boundaries with your SIL and the rest of her family. I've selected some resources I think can help you with this:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. --> Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0)

It's very unpleasant having to listen to horrible accusations such as your DIL makes and dealing with her explosive tantrum and verbal abuse. I think these resources can help protect yourself from her problematic behavior. It is very sad that this is the way things are, but considering the behavior you describe I think firm boundaries are necessary here with your DIL and the rest of her family.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily