BPDFamily.com

Hi, folks,

I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but after breaking up for what I had hoped was the final time 6 months ago, a combination of my guilt, his persistence, and of course remaining emotions has caused me to choose to allow myself back into a relationship with my diagnosed BPDexbf.  Like many of us, I ended the relationship previously due to an ongoing smothering possessiveness, paranoia, and horrendous accusations, some of which were emailed to various colleagues and have resulted in some strained and strange relationships at the academic institution where I am a tenured professor.  I apologize if this is lengthy, but I could really use the many voices of reason I know I will hear from you good people to convince me to nip this in the bud before it goes on too much longer. 

Briefly, my relationship with this man spanned 7 years, during some of which we lived together.  I really changed my life for him - divorced a perfectly good (albeit dull and inattentive) man after nearly 30 years, subjected my 3 daughters to a difficult situation they had no desire for, and almost lost my job at the time. I will also tell you the crazy fact that he is MUCH younger than me - I am 58 and he is 29.  Makes no sense right from the start, huh?   I rebuilt relationships both during and after my time with him, and honestly the past 6 months since I allegedly left for good were full of enjoyable reconnecting with myself, time with hobbies, and uninterrupted time with my college freshman twin daughters.  I was lonely and missed him, but I was ok.  I was not ready to date and did not do so, I had a lot of healing to do.

Long story short, since the breakup in May, he has been in near constant touch with me, sometimes almost "normal" and wistful, other times begging, pleading and crying for me to return.  He did date one women for a month whom he met online, but it ended quickly when he discovered she was more BPD than him (and I agree!)  Interestingly, she was very similar to me in appearance - he said he was looking for a "pale shadow" of me and thought he would try to find that.  I do believe that he never stopped loving me, and I do believe that he never cheated on me at all in the years we were together.  Like many of our exes, he is at heart a good person and doesn't mean to hurt with his actions.

Now that I agreed to give it one more try (STUPIDLY AGREED) I can already see that the problems that existed before are still here.  He claims to have changed, he hasn't.  Here are the main things:

1.  My daughters, 2 of whom still live at home, HATE him with a passion.  He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me throughout the relationship, and they know it (never physical).  He wants me to try and get them to like him, and at this point we are only seeing each other when my kids are not home.  I brought it up to my girls the other night, and they bluntly informed me that if he comes back, they will move onto campus or move in with their dad.  They hate him that much.  My older daughter briefly saw him over last week, and cried for hours.  She told me she has dreams of him standing over my dead body.  DO YOU THINK THERE IS ANY HOPE OF GETTING MY KIDS TO CHANGE THEIR MIND?  I DO NOT.  Plus, Monday he yelled at me for saying that I loved my daughters more than I loved him, and that they would always come first, which is utterly true.  The bottom line is, is there anyway I could change this situation?  Should I even bother to try?  (I think I already know my answer, I guess I just want objective confirmation that the answer is a resounding NO.

2.  I am too old to have children, and when he has "established: himself (i.e., finds a job because he has NEVER HAD ONE), he wants to have an open relationship where he finds another woman only to bear children with, and then lives with me and maybe her so he can take care of both of us and his kids and we would all have a nice unconventional family together.  LOL I could never share him, I am even finding myself jealous of the woman he was with for one month earlier this summer even though it was nothing, and  I can't picture myself in an open relationship.  I told him I would like to get married again someday, and he said well, then we could do a surrogacy, in which of course, he would use all of MY MONEY to fund the process.  NO.

3.  At some level all he wants is a mother, which is understandable given the age gap and given that I am an stable and financially secure professor.  The other night he b___ed and moaned so much about not having any food in the house (he lives with his very well off parents) that I ordered a pizza for him.  He is completely incapable of taking care of himself, and his ideas about his future life and prospects are somewhat characteristic of NPD tendencies as well as completely lacking in any basis in reality.

Ok, that's enough bothering you.  I just really want someone to tell me what I already know - that the recycle was a mistake, that I should get out as soon as possible this time, and that I should go very LC or NC in the future so that this doesn't happen again.  Pathetically, my feelings for him are still very very strong, and this will hurt, but I will hurt him and me more in the process, and I refuse to hurt my children. 

Please, what do you think?  I feel so ridiculous!

Gosh. It looks to me like there's no reason for any contact. I mean, if you go that route. It looks like a doomed situation where you need to go cold turkey. Just my opinion.

My ex froze me out. It was cruel how he did it (and I don't think breaking contact without notice is usually necessary), but I have to admit it would have been impossible to recover even as much of myself as I have in the past 9-10 months if we'd been in any sort of contact.

I wish you strength.

Chillamom,

I try not to be critical of others on this board, and also try to avoid telling people what they should do, but in this case I strongly encourage you to go with your gut and end this relationship, and walk away for good.

From my perspective, I do not think that you fully appreciate how destructive your actions have been on your daughters.

1. You taught them that monogamy is meaningless by discarding a perfectly good marriage (and the father of your kids!) for no reason other than your own boredom.

2. You are completely invalidating their feelings and opinions by continuing to see a lover that you know they HATE.

3. You've inverted the parental relationship by behaving like an immature school girl while your daughters are forced to stand up and be the "adult" voice in the situation.

4. Being 18 and starting college is incredibly tough and challenging for a young person. You are abandoning them by focusing on your lovers pointless issues (no food when his parents are well off, and the dude's 29?) instead of supporting them with their own, legitimate challenges.

Both of the parents of my dBPDxgf had much younger lovers who they spent lavishly on. My ex grew to severely resent them for paying for their lovers' college when they wouldn't even pay for her own college. Do you want your daughters to go through life resenting you so much?

Abandonment. Invalidation. Inverse parenting. Resentment. These are the seeds of BPD. Do you think your daughters might need therapists of their own one day in order to have a stable romantic r/s?

Please, please, please, think about your children's feelings and how your actions are impacting their entire lives, and be the adult for a change.


Ya' think?

Ouch. That seemed harsh to me, but I'm new here.

I don't know your life, OP, and I support you in what Seems like a struggle to break an addiction that has harmed you and your girls.

Strength. 

thanks, and I really don't mind harsh, although I don't necessarily agree with the drastic nature of your assessment. I need reality to slap me hard in the face, and I appreciate your taking to time to state your opinion! and by the way, the marriage wasn't really all that great - I just figured I'd say that for the sake of "shorthand"  He was absolutely a decent guy, but there were a lot of issues that we tried to productively and not so productively address.  Didn't touch me for a decade, resented my education at every turn... .I think I could have worked on it more, but after 10 years of essential "non contact" within a loveless marriage, I was obviously looking for something very different - although NOT as different as I ended up getting.  So in any case, thank you for the perspective!

chillamom,

just leave him, right now. go hardcore NC. it is all there, you have it figured out. just act right now. your relationship with your daughters is at risk, that is what matters. and you know it.

i hope you have the strength to do what you know you have to do. we're there with you.

 

Thanks, NoNoNo, and that is exactly what I intend to do.  Despite how much I will be "hurting" him, what is at stake is much more important

I'll agree with the consensus.  It does not appear anything good will come of this and you are essentially allowing yourself to be used.  This is not a good place to be.