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I was going NC. I was really going to do it. Then BpdH texts me and it's off to the races again.  But I am mad and it's easy to tell from the texts I am angry. I don't usually get angry with him. Hurt, sad, guilty, not usually angry but I was feeling it and expressing myself.

Apparently I said something that triggered him and I sent several texts about different subjects and no response at all. Dead silent, which is unusual for him. We have been separated since June 29th. His version is I "threw him away." My version is different. He wanted to go and made sure to do things which would make me want him to leave. Since then, I think we both calmed down and felt we wanted to get back together, but each time we do, it seems we have become incompatible. What is really happening is that he is the same person and I am no longer buying his paranoid, controlling BS (although I am tortured because it all has a grain of truth among the exaggerations, lies and accusations).

Anyway, I am troubled by the freeze out. I want to work on myself. Where should I start?

Why not say what you said here and how you feel.  You were mad when you texted those things (and maybe sorry for some of the things said), you feel you don't want to give up and would like to get back together eventually, you want to be in communication, and need time to work on yourself. 

That assumes I read you correctly. 

I am not sorry for what I said. I had told  him I was thinking of taking a day trip by myself to Key West. I live in Florida, close enough to drive there in a day. Someplace I wish I could have gone with him. But we never did. So he lectured me for hours about spending the money to take a trip when I could buy vitamins instead. We went back and forth about enjoyment and I was getting frustrated because you know how borderlines communicate. They have their agenda and hear only their agenda. So then I made some comments about the woman I caught him sextexting with.

I am not sure I want him back. I am not sure I want to cut him loose. I want us to talk and spend time together but the thanksgiving visit we planned was a disaster.  I was considering possibly Christmas.  A big issue with us is him working on my historic house, that I bought because he said he could do anything I wanted to do it. Two years later, very little was done to it and every single request of mine to start a project was meant with elaborate lectures about the importance of making a plan and a schedule because that is what Brian Tracy recommends.  BpdH even needs a plan and a schedule to build a table to put a tablesaw on.  At that rate, only a couple emergency repairs got done. Since he has been gone, I have at least been able to organize the inside into a livable situation and started a small amount of work on the kitchen, which, as soon as he saw it, absolutely condemned.

Hi hollycat,

It sounds like this last communication is the first time you have been overtly angry with him, and in response, it's the first time he has not responded.

It takes a lot of strength to be in a BPD relationship and not be emotionally injured by it. This period of separation sounds like it is helping you gain some strength back and do things to take care of yourself (go to Key West, start working on your home).

One of the silver linings of being in a BPD relationship is the opportunity to pick up some communication skills that can be transformative. Not just with your H, with everyone.

Is this something you want to work on?

What are you fighting about. Often a couple gets locked into a disagreement and lives it over and over. Digging into that helps.


Communication skills can really help.  Where would you rate yourself on this scale:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down