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I thought I was doing great NC. I still see his profile on POF. I see that he has been on Facebook. He doesn't post on Facebook and has few friends. I can't help but wonder why he is on Facebook? Is he possibly browsing pages? Like mine? Am I hopeful that he is? Ugh! I don't understand with the rush of overwhelming anxiety came from last night? Maybe because he wasn't online dating site which makes me feel he has met someone? I wish I could let this all go! I saw my T yesterday of course she agrees hes toxic let him go. Move on with yourself. Maybe that's where the anxiety stemmed from. I know I need to focus on me... .I am just not sure where to begin. Lots of questions here... .more like a VENT! Thanks for listening.

I could not bring myself to unfriend him on FB.  It seemed hurtful.  He has stated that he wants me in his life.  I have told him that I can handle emails/texts but physical contact will keep me from accepting that it is over (we were enmeshed to the nth degree). There were no emails or texts after one week of me moving out.  But when I posted on FB that I had been on a walk and felt more like myself again he posted that our year together was great and I deserved the best.  Knowing his concern about others thinking he is a good guy - I felt this was damage control to his image.  I found a setting where I could prevent him from reading my posts without blocking him.  I do not look at his page - that is standing on the edge of the black hole.  :D

Hey butterfly-

I agree with your T, it's best to let him go and move on, but how?  You aren't going to get beyond a 2 year relationship in a couple of weeks, but you can certainly do what's best for you one day at a time, that's the good news really, a renewed focus on what's best for you, discipline, healthy thought patterns, and taking care of yourself will all benefit you, and when you do fully detach you'll be stronger and wiser.

So first off, social media and dating sights aren't doing you any favors, do you agree?  If you do want to use Facebook or whatever, you might want to try blocking him and not going to his page, are you strong enough for that yet?  If not you may consider closing your account entirely for a while at least, along with those on dating sites, since you're probably not considering dating anyone else right now.

And there's a letting go to all of that.  A letting go of the hope that the relationship could work out, a letting go of him and what you  had; the distance between a sliver of hope and no hope at all is a huge leap, but a necessary one if you're committed to detaching.  Apart from eliminating ongoing info about him from entering your world, it's also vital that you start to envision your future, a bright future of your own design, one without him in it.  What would that look like?

I second all of this. Stay off social media. Don't drive past his house or his work place. Just stay off.  If it hurts, DON"T DO IT. Why would you do something that hurts? Don't do stuff that hurts!

I started dating myself. Literally. That is how I started.  The nights we would typically do something, I took myself out- alone. I went to Nordstroms, then I went to my favorite restaurant and had a couple glasses of my favorite wine, and some excellent soup. Then I stopped by a friend's house to say hello for a bit and enjoyed a beautiful evening outdoors.  The next day, I carried it over. I went to the gym. I got a manicure. I colored my hair. I did some housework with music on. etc. 

Tonight is my date night with myself... .although it does include going to therapy. But after that I am going to do precisely whatever the heck i want to. Sometimes, i literally ask myself "What do I want to do right now?"... .and as long as it isn't contacting him... .i do exactly what I want. It's been awesome.

Right now, do not do anything that you don't absolutely want to be doing. Do exactly what YOU want to do.

Don't put yourself out there on social media. He is probably looking at you. Give him nothingness.

The next thing I started doing is really evaluating the relationship with my parents... .because I truly feel it is the key to figuring out your issues in romantic relationships. Life works like this: we choose the romantic partner that most closely maps onto our most dysfunctional parental relationship.  So, my best guess is you have some issues with a parent that you tried to heal by staying in a relationship with your BPDx.  (that's messed up isn't it?)

If someone had said this to me when I was in your stages (and people did), I scoffed at it... .i thought "no way- I don't have issues with my parents". But the more I dug into it, guess what, I figured out I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother--- just about as close to BPD as one can get. So, it has blown open everything I thought was wrong with myself. I don't have BPD, but I am co-dependent and have some narc qualities that I learned from my mother... .and figuring out how to heal this has become key to my recovery.  I have become obsessed with self-improvement... .addicted as another person put it on here. Addicted to self-improvement. It feels weird to be so selfish. It feels weird to be so introspective... .but right now you need it.

So where I am at: I date myself. I basically committed social media suicide, and LOVE it. I became an addict of self-improvement. I am completely committed to rebuilding a new and improved life for myself. I am committed to building better friendships. I am building a better me.

The key to letting go of him is filling the vacuum with something else. Nature abhors a vacuum... .so you have to fill your time, your brain, your life with something else. If you don't fill it with something else, you will be stuck stalking your ex.

Hi Butterfly,

Just to say, I went NC with my friend/ex w BPD 18 days ago (yes, I'm counting), and one of the first things I did was block him on Facebook. I know it seems extreme.  My ex is an alcoholic and extremely impulsive, and FB made it too easy for him to contact me when enraged - or lonely - or horny.  It was to the point I was holding my breath when I checked my page and messages.  But he wasn't the only problem.  I was constantly checking his page, worrying about him if he wasn't online or was and sounded sad; annoyed if he'd been online and hadn't contacted me!  I was making myself crazy.

He can still email or phone me if he really needs to, as I've pointed out to him.  But I've told him (I hope clearly, I hope gently) that I can't have him in my life now and feel that it's time for us both to let go.  So far, he's abiding by that. 

I know this is hard.  It's hard for me, too.  I realized a couple days ago that I'm feeling a kind of grief, and I'm allowing that.  He was very, very important to me for a number of years - to not grieve would be to not honor that, you know?  Deep breaths.  Take care of yourself.