BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I am grateful for this resource. I have been in a relationship with a BPD for more than 15 years. We have two pre-teen-age children.

Typically, as you all probably know, the holidays are the worst time of year for non-BPDs. I used to love this time of year; now it's something I dread more than anything else. It's especially bad this year because BPD's family are all coming, and they are as bad as she is.

Thanks; I'm sure I'll be back shortly. Just wanted to say hello.

SC

Hi storagecold,

Welcome to bpdfamily, your go-to-family during the holidays  :)

Yes, holidays can be tough. How was Thanksgiving? (if you're in the U.S.) What kinds of things happen when your BPD's family come to visit?

Are there particular behaviors that get worse during the holidays?

Hope you'll let us know more when you feel ready.

LnL

Thanks for asking. I really have no one on earth to discuss any of it with.

My story in a nutshell is I knew my BPD wife had issues just a year or two into our relationship. A couple of years into our marriage she accused me of some truly horrible things that I didn't do; but, as you know, it makes no difference if you can prove ten ways to Sunday that nothing ever happened. We separated and went to the brink of divorce, but reconciled (only after I agreed that everything that led to that point was "my fault", and things were good for a while.

Things have gotten steadily worse since then. We essentially live separate lives in the same house. What makes it tolerable is I do get to spend a lot of time with my children without BPDw. Before, she never "allowed" that to happen. We don't sleep in the same bed (she sleeps with the children).

Her family is essentially all women who hate men, or have chased after marriages where the husband(s) was/were abusive. BPD's sister (who lives close by) is a single, upper-middle-aged alcoholic who presents very well to outsiders but has never attempted to play any role in our lives unless she sees an opportunity to cause turmoil. She will vanish from the radar for months at a time, and then resurface just to cause problems. Mother-in-law was widowed a number of years ago but managed to cull a new husband (with money) from a high-school reunion. BPDw has done nothing but demonize me to them for years. When I see them, which is rare, they are as pleasant as can be but then as soon as they go back to their homes they begin "informing" BPDw on everything that is wrong with me, her, etc. It happens a number of times per years and always has. It makes BPDw very angry and, without fail, she immediately comes after me.

BPDw also loathes all my family and friends. I have essentially alienated myself from most of them one by one because I'm tired of being accused of "plotting something" or having affairs with friends, coworkers, etc. I have managed to figure out ways to talk to the people I have left via phone and email every now and then. Any time I try to do more -- like take the kinds to visit an aunt or cousin they hardly know, BPDw threatens divorce or goes into hysterics in front of the kids, then starts insulting every member of my family, etc.

I have developed a very thick skin over the years as a result. I am not perfect by any means and never have been, but I work hard to support my family, but am continually reminded by BPDw what a failure I have been. She badmouths me to our children constantly, and sees nothing wrong with it. The great irony is she is a very attentive mother for the most part, and rarely acts on any of her threats.

We have tried counseling in the past, but in the case of at least 3+ counselors, BPDw refuses to attend after one or two sessions, accuses me of having affairs with the counselor, etc. She has gone for psychiatric counseling herself and has been prescribed medication (which actually worked) but then stops taking medication and going to appointments because she's "not crazy."

I have developed an annual calendar (and committed it to memory) of her ups and downs so I know when to expect them. Typically, November through the end of the year are the worst times. So we're right in the thick of it now.

I have been down the road to almost-divorce once, and it provided me with very little peace and nearly bankrupted me in the process. The thing that keeps me moving ahead is protecting our children from her insane periods and ensuring that I will play a role in each others' lives. They are both intelligent, and remarkable well-adjusted considering what they have been through.

So as you can see, I have no interest in moving on or out. I just do my best to survive for the sake of my children. The hardest part for me and uBPDw is dealing with the ups and downs of her behavior. She will literally go from telling me she wishes I were dead, wishes I would just kill myself and do the world a favor, etc. to (within the space of minutes or hours) fixing me dinner and asking me to watch a movie with her and the kids and acting like nothing ever happened.

Well that just changed  :)




I hear you. The distorted false allegations are tough. A lot of us default to JADEing our partners (justify, argue, defend, explain). This tends to make things worse, in my experience.


How long ago was this?


It's good that you have a lot of time to spend with the kids. How old are they? How do they do with mom?


This one is tough, and not good for you or for the kids to be isolated from family and friends. You mention that your wife doesn't act on any of her threats... .are you concerned about anything in particular of the threats she has made?


Marriage counseling is not effective when one partner has BPD, some actively discourage it because it often makes things worse.


When you say the worst, what kinds of behaviors in particular?


We have a coparenting board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=9.0) (when one parent is BPD) -- it tends to have a lot of information for people who are coparenting in a custody situation, and there are also members there, like you, who are trying to deal with BPD parenting behaviors inside the marriage. If the discussions feel too much in the custody camp, you can always read through the lessons (to the right side of the board).

I have benefited a lot from Lesson 5 on Raising Resilient Children (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459), especially the stuff on validation.

Didn't mean to firehose you with all this information  *) I just recognize the loneliness of being in these relationships without someone who understands, and wanted to welcome you.

  Welcome storagecold!

I am glad you found us, but sad that you needed to.  There are an amazing group of helpful, caring people here!  My uBPDh (undiagnosed BPD husband) must be related to your wife!  They sound, sadly, very similar.  We have also tried MC (twice failed) and separated for a year.  I came back when I realized I couldn't legally fight him for custody of our children (I am a stay at home mom - no money!) or protect them from his rages when I am not here.

The Lessons on the right side of this page are very helpful!  They have helped me with my children and other relationships as well as my husband.  I have managed to keep things more calm using the Tools in the Lessons, but life will never be normal here.

Keep in touch!

Holiday are stressful. pwBPD don't do stress well.

We are glad to have you in the "family" where we share experiences and concepts to mitigate the upward/downward swings.

What typically happens around the holidays? What's the cyclical conflict about?

  Storagecold, *welcome*  I can identify with a family of women that all hate men.  Sometimes it seemed that the women in my wife's FOO were having a contest to see who "had to" put up with the most egregious behavior and thoughts from the men in their life.  Most women have had multiple divorces "due to" the bad behavior of the men.    At BPD family you will learn tools to address behaviors of the pwBPD in your life.  You will also find caring and supportive people that can empathize with you and challenge you to examine your choices.  My life and r/s are immensely better due to my involvement with bpdfamily, One thing from your story that I identified with was staying to "protect" the children.  And they do need to be protected.    However, mindset is important.  Also understand that pwBPD are incredibly perceptive.  If your mindset each day is to "protect" the kids, it is likely to affect the way you interact with your wife.  Sort of sets up two camps in the house.  Protector and persecutor.  My hope for you is that you can learn tools that will help you "get on the same team", in the same camp as your wife.  Two people that are on the same team, tend to be more successful at finding solutions than opposing parties.  This change will take time, we'll help you get on the right road to get there.  I'm glad you have found us!  I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.          

FF  

Thank you all for the replies.

Well, I made it through the annual Thanksgiving nightmare. Now we're on to Christmas. The weeks before I almost like because uBPDw is busy with preparations, therefore she has much less opportunity to rage. Thanksgiving and last week also coordinated with her PMS this year, so it was extra bad.

Typically her annual cycle goes like this: January/February she is usually OK because she spends a lot of time eating and sleeping, and complaining about the cold weather. Springtime is better still, and summer the best time. October through the end of the year are the worst times, as I mentioned earlier.

uBPD's "baseline" personality is neither happy or sad; if anything, I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is rarely the type to mope around. Typically, her rage triggers are:

-- Anything that has not been done EXACTLY the way she would do it; e.g. dishes not loaded properly, something of hers has been moved; food not stored properly, etc.

-- Anything that triggers an unpleasant memory, which could be anything at any time. She has very few pleasant memories, and tends to hold on to every bad thing that has ever happened. Anything that can be linked to me in her mind will be blamed on me.

-- When the money runs out. She spends her way through my salary in short order every month. She is incapable of saving anything. Her own father went from a very successful career to having to work in food service well into his 70s because of his extravagant spending.

-- Any time she feels as if I am doing something nefarious. (My life essentially consists of going to work; coming home and, when uBPDw gives the go-ahead, playing with the kids.) However, I have been accused of having affairs with women AND men (I'm not gay). I've never cheated on my wife. She also accuses me of having secret employment (where I am making an enormous amount of money and hiding it from her), and on and on. Oh, and she has accused me (and several other people, including her own parents at one time) of being a child molester. Of course, I am not, but that's another story for another time.

-- Anytime her enablers (her mother or sister) set her off; they manipulate her on a regular basis.

-- Most of the time, she is a COMPLETE slob. Her clothes are piled in her closet; she can't put anything away or throw anything away. Every scrap of paper -- ticket stubs, child's drawing, receipt, etc.is stuffed in a drawer or box someplace. Her car is a mess. Our house is typically a mess. I used to be a very tidy person but got tired of cleaning up just to come home to a trashed house.

-- Anytime she feels like she has been given "short shrift" in life, which is most of the time. She's incapable of being thankful for anything. Of course, all of her troubles are my fault.

-- Anytime she feels like she is being questioned, especially her parenting skills.

-- Anytime I have any contact with family or friends that was not officially sanctioned by her.

  Storagecold, Thanks for giving us the detail on how the cycle goes.  It's good to know how the disorder plays out.  There is power in understanding the "order to the disorder".  How are things going reading the lessons?    What parts of the lessons stand out as being applicable to your r/s.   We should probably focus there first.  Are there one or two things on the list that you would like to focus on first?  Looking forward to your reply.  I see several things on your list that we should be able to help improve.          

FF

Thanks, I have read/watched everything; some of it is very helpful. I have learned to back myself out of most situations by validating, or just going along. As it's been said, though, once you walk 50 miles into the woods you have to walk 50 miles back out.

What makes me suffer the most are the insane accusations and the lack of trust. The list I could generate here would boggle your minds. The accusations can come from absolutely nowhere, for no reason, at any time. Typically, I just explain why or why not something isn't true, and then just shut down. After telling me what a loser I am, about all my loser friends and family, etc., she wears out and goes away.

But they get to me sometimes because, as a logical person, I wonder why someone would waste so much of their life being unhappy. I know it's a control issue, but it just seems like such an enormous waste of time.

         Give it your best shot, my guess is that I can beat you.  My wife's "core issue" seems to be paranoia.  When I was "feeding" the problem instead of making it better, I got some really weird accusations.  Wasn't my fault, but we do play a role in the dynamic.  I'm glad you are here.  Post your best shot at the "weirdest" accusation you have gotten.  Also post a little "blow by blow" of an accusation (she said this, then you said this) and we can help you tweak your responses.          

FF

I bet we could recite that list for you sight unseen  :)

It's really hard to accept that people with BPD don't think the same way we do. It sounds like you're shoring up your validation skills which helps. I found validation easy to understand, harder to implement. It took me years to practice to the point it feels automatic.

This article on validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) was particularly helpful -- it introduces the idea of JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), which never works. I used to start off validating and end JADEing, and I am here to testify that that does not work 

Also, it's more likely she doesn't trust herself, and that she has to keep you close. If she can convince you that you aren't worthy, maybe you won't wander. It's fear. She's afraid you will leave her.

What happens when you validate her?

Post your best shot at the "weirdest" accusation you have gotten.

Also post a little "blow by blow" of an accusation (she said this, then you said this) and we can help you tweak your responses.


OK, I'm up for that. uBPDw's accusations follow the explanations:

-- uBPDw was (still is, actually) convinced that I had "planted" audio and video recording devices all around our home (for what reason, I don't know). As a result, she tore down all the security motion detectors off our walls and ripped out landscape lighting wires in order to "disable" my plot to record everything she says/does.

-- She has accused me of being a homosexual, a pedophile, and having "relations" with my father. Any friend or coworker I mention is someone to be scorned by her and is someone I'm having an "affair" with. (She called the Department of Social Services on me when my son was a toddler because she was convinced that I was molesting him. Their investigation cleared me and the accusation was called "completely unfounded" and dismissed.)

-- She (rarely) eats anything I cook, because I am trying to poison her.

-- After being away on her annual trip with the kids to visit her mother, she: 1. Accused me of having an affair with a neighbor (she came to this conclusion by noticing a bottle of tequila had been opened) and "doing shots" with said neighbor before I "seduced" her; 2. Counted the condoms in our night stand and said "several are missing." 3. Said she found a long, blonde hair in our son's bed -- "what a sick F**K you are!" (Actually, no one ever entered our house the entire time she was away, other than me).

-- Accused me of sabotaging her car/tires/engine so I could kill her.

-- Accused me of keeping "hidden diaries" online, etc.

-- Every time I leave the house alone other than to go to work, I am questioned extensively about where I went, what I did, etc.

Saved the worst for last:

-- My mother died shortly after I was born. It was a terrible tragedy that my family endured as well as anyone. I had about the best childhood any kid could have under the circumstances. uBPDw has said, on several occasions, "You mother never died. She just had to get away from your FREAK of a father!"

When I validate her, it usually helps diffuse things. But as you know, how do you validate something so bizarre (see my list above) or sick that you don't know what to say?

Another pillar in living with and loving someone with BPD are boundaries. Validation doesn't mean we let ourselves be punching bags. Asserting boundaries takes some skill, and I have found that body language is important. Also, delineating the boundaries ahead of time has helped.

If there has been a lapse with boundaries, which is often the case, there can be some initial push back because there is change the boundaries have to be tested in order to figure out how firm they are, and where exactly the edges are.

What happens if you do something without her approval, or sanctions? Like if you play with the kids without her permission.

  I say this in jest ( we can either laugh at ourselves or capitulate to hopelessness), you wife has got some good game in her accusations, but, I'm afraid it's still amateur hour.  Perhaps, I could set up a class where my wife could teach others how to step up their game!      Here is mine.  Please realize this story happened before I knew about BPD or this website.  What actually happened:  Wife and I were exposed (pun intended   ) to a militant breastfeeding mom while out in public.    Then, we head the mom call the babies name.  effe me if it wasn't the same name as my wife.  I knew this wasn't going to go well  What my wife dreamed up:    That was my love child that I had with that woman.  I engineered the meeting to "introduce" my wife to my child with another woman.    It is critical that the baby have the same name, that way I can sneak the child onto my insurance, since the names would be exactly the same.  In other words, the insurance company was processing claims for my wife and also processing claims for baby shots and other "kid stuff" , all under my wife's name.  Does it end there? Nope, My wife finds these people on the internet and reaches out to them.  Notices that some pictures on profiles of the kid have been removed and is convinced that they are removed because I told them about "being found out".  So my wife starts contacting these people demanding to know why the pictures have been taken down.  To my knowledge they never replied.  I took her to insurance office and we looked up to see if any changes had been made or if any kid stuff had been processed under my wifes name.  Of course it hadn't.   Did that help, nope.  This story kept growing and was my wife's "go to" accusation for a long time.  I was really tired of it.  So, I set up a paternity test.  The proposal I gave my wife was she would contact the people and get a sample from the kid.  I would put my sample in and "poof", I would be off the hook.    Did that help, nope.  Without blinking an eye, she claims that the kid was never mine and she never said that.  But it was obvious that I had been sleeping with the woman, because of all the secrets I have hid that my wife can't find.  I was livid, It wasn't until I learned about this site and started using tools that the accusations got less and less.  Now they are rare.  I could have told you about the secret marriage and family that I had in our barn (when we lived on a farm), I will save that for another day.          

FF

Yes, holidays are bad every year for me too. I used to love the holidays, but now I dread them. BPDh gets depressed and dsyregulated every year around the same time. It starts as early as October, and last year he went so far as to leave me. I filed for divorce, because I was sick of his divorce threats, and he refused to work on things and said he didn't want to reconcile. Well, we did reconcile, and he still blames ME for filing, although it was him that left, and didn't want to get back together.

This year, he seems to be heading down the same path. He's back to seeing everything to do with us and our marriage as negative, and he is also having issues with two guys at work, and three of his four grown kids have cut him out of their lives(they have their own control issues). I think he gets so depressed this time of year, and does nothing to combat it.

I wish he could see the good, and do something, anything, to help himself feel better(adjust his meds, therapy, read a self help book... .anything). I don't know why this happens every year, but it's like clockwork. I just do my best to empathize(although he hates my empathy), and try to keep an even keel. It's all I can do. Oh, and I try not to let the negativity wear me down.

Made it through Christmas. It was pretty bad this year -- uBPDw's mother in town for the week, and she (and uBPDw's alcoholic sister) and uBPDw's enablers. The passive-aggressive behavior that took place this week would give Sigmund Freud bad dreams.

   How did you react to this?  What role did you play?    

FF

How did you react to this?  What role did you play?

FF[/quote]
Here's the annual pattern: Sister-in-law upsets uBPDw with something (it could be anything); uBPDw gets their mother involved; passive-aggressive battle wages via phone messages and voicemail; then ANYTHING I do or have ever done becomes a raging problem for uBPDw. After I react -- and this year I did not do well -- uBPDw and her family unite in their hatred of me. MIL leaves town, SIL goes back into hiding for anther six months, uBPDw spends a few days acting like nothing has happened, and all returns to "normal."

Typically, I do my best to just stay out of it all. I did not do that well this year. uBPDw told me to get out, that her mother was going to "tear me a new one," etc. etc., called me every name in the book, and said some things that I may not be able to get past. Of course, none of her threats ever come to fruition unless she is truly pushed.

   Is this something you would like to work through, to see if there is a better way?  If so, we'll need details some he said she said kinda things.  We'll read through that and then senior members can help point you to applicable lessons .  It's great to understand how to do this event better in the future.  It's better to understand why (the theory) there is a better way.  That way, when presented with an odd tangent (pwBPD are good at this) you can think through how lessons apply.    

FF  

With BPDh it starts in October, and sometimes last until January or February. Last year he left me at that time, and wanted a divorce. Almost the same thing this year. He just goes into a slump at this time every year, can't see any good in me, and gets super depressed. I'm to blame for everything according to him. Ha! He's in hot water at his job, but I guess that's my fault too?

He has moments of awareness, but they are short lived. Last night he apologized for how he's treated me for years, owned up to a lot of it, made promises to "change"(his words), but today he was angry, and threatening to throw me out again. I kindly asked him why he thinks he has such lows, then highs. All within less than 14 hours.

He's likely to be this way, until he deals with it. I can't change it, or him, only he can do that. It does get tiring though, when he takes out his moods on me, and threatens to throw me out.

He creates chaos, and he seems to enjoy or get something out of striking out, then moping and playing the victim, although it's been HIM that was angry, and him that demands his own way. He agrees it's his way or the highway, and he really sees nothing wrong with that. I'm beginning to think he's a sociopath, and that simple BPD would be a blessing.

I want our marriage to work, and I'm striving to be the stable, calm one, but he sure makes that an effort. It's hard to have a partner that doesn't allow you to have feelings, views or opinions. They all anger him. It's abnormal. Of course I DO, and have a right to my feelings and opinions, but as of now, I'm having to not express any of those for fear of setting him off.

He must be really miserable... .What an awful way to live. Having to control and dominate the person you say you love. I just have trouble relating to that.

I have no other choice than to work through it. The alternative is to leave, which I have done once before. It took a year and a half and a lot of money just to get started in court. If I simply divorced her, she would likely take our children and disappear.

She has accused me (and members of my family) of abusing our children. She once accused her own parents; but she now can't recall doing that. This has been the root of all the terror for many years for me.

My father is elderly, and lives by himself. He is only a year or two from not being able to live alone. After initially coming up with the idea for us build a larger home and have Dad move in with us (and asking him to), uBPDw has flip-flopped several times about it. It has greatly upset my dad but I have shielded him from most of her craziness, though he has seen a lot of it firsthand. uBPDw says my father is "practically dead" and says he should sell his home and just give us the money and then find his own place to live.

She has been trash-talking me to our S12, who now will barely look me in the eye. He is too afraid to really say much to me at all. Earlier today, when I went out to watch in play a video game in his playroom, uBPDw came out and told me to "stop staring" as my son and leave him alone.

This is the longest period of craziness I have seen since right before D7 or S12 were born. I guessed that there was some sort of hormonal thing at work then, but I know that's not been proven conclusive.

My trouble with getting through these periods is what to do and where to go, and what to say when she just says the most insane things to me.

   You have choices.    Confirm you are in the USA?  If so, your concern about her taking kids and disappearing is not realistic.    If you operate in life as though you don't have choices, that breeds resentment, and victim mentality.    

FF

These people are the very definition of crazy.  However not the same as psychotic but fairly close (incidentally that is why it is called borderline but I digress).  It's no use trying to guilt them into doing the right thing, or to have a moral compass, to them their perspective what they felt at that moment was the right thing and there is no way to talk them out of it depending on the severity of the condition. This is what is so shocking about the disorder.  I feel bad for you that your wife is obnoxious and abusive and doesn't even see it, or will not.   I'm in the same situation, trapped hoping my child can live a better life if I put up with this tyrant. Where to go from here?  I haven't figured that out yet except to try my best to keep my own behavior and reactions as pure as possible.  That is not always easy and might even be impossible.  there's something unique about every relationship that transgresses general rules... .

I think what is most shocking about the disorder is the expectation that the other person would exhibit signs of humanity...   And that they don't, then you are shocked worrying why this person would be this way when they presented as someone better when you first met them... .  And that you get fooled for the short term thinking the person will be normal and keep it together as one would expect, then to be lambasted over something as little as a cucumber, etc.  and the length they will go to to enforce their ridiculous morality that they themselves created as if it's some society-wide prohibition when in fact it is just them who thinks that way and any yes men/women they surround themselves with, who probably think they are a freak but will not tell them that, which fuels the fire for the next round where the BPD tells you how everyone agrees with them... . 

Yes my holidays this year were ruined by the tyrant.  I feel bad calling her the tyrant as I honestly believe she does not have any awareness of her condition.  She is just behaving how it was normal in her household when she was a child.  Children of yesteryear were not trained to avoid narcissists/sociopaths/ borderlines so I feel it is important to teach my child that one of the most important decisions to make in her life is the person that she marries and how to avoid toxic people and particularly to avoid marrying one.  That is all I can offer moving forward having been subsumed by the BPD.  In the past parents did not teach such lessons and therefore here we are on this message board.

I am in the USA.

UBPDw only associates with toxic people -- her family the most.

A short time ago, she informed me that both our children "hate" me and that they always would. When I asked s12 if this was true, she said she would the police and report that I am verbally abusing my son.

I'm crushed.

  By asking your kid, you were pulling the kid into the drama and toxicity.  Spend time with your kid.  You can tell if they are being "warm" and "normal" or not.  Ask them how they are feeling, don't suggest feelings.  If they bring up negative feelings LISTEN, VALIDATE, do not "correct" anything.  Very important that you kid knows that you are their to listen to them.  They are not wrong.  They will have knowledge gaps.  Fill those in over the next day or two.  NOT in the same conversation.  Unless they directly ask a question.    

FF

What did S12 say when you asked if he hated you?


This may be true when it's low stakes. When it gets high stakes and parental alienation starts to rev up, experts recommend being very matter of fact and factual. In general, yes -- start with validation. If mom is telling S12 that dad is xyz, and that's not true, then ask S12 how it feels when mom says that. You need to create a micro-climate of validation around your kids so that they know there is a safe buffer where their feelings can be heard. It's also a really good idea to start teaching your kids the difference between lying, secrecy, privacy, withholding, and forgetting. More than other kids, they need help figuring out what is true and not true, what is private and not private, what is secret and not secret. You can do this by giving them examples that have nothing to do with their mom and what she says, even talking about these morally ambiguous scenarios if they come up in movies or amongst their peers.

In normal relationships, we do not want to put our kids in the middle. These are not normal relationships and there are times when it's appropriate to deal directly with the truth. Mom is going to externalize her feelings onto the kids and they are going to need a lot of help learning that her feelings are not their feelings, and doing so in a way that is relatively safe for them to individuate.

I agree it should be corrected.  Just not in same conversation.  More important that the kid knows they can talk to you about anything that to be quick to "correct".   Give it a few hours or a day.  Then revisit the conversation.  "Fill in the knowledge gap".  Move along.  Don't linger on the topic.  

All bark and no bite today. All her threats were diffused.

   This is part of the "order to the disorder".  Very likely if you asked about the threats (please don't) that she would act like it was no big deal, or perhaps even that she never said it, thought it, felt it.  Use this incident as a place of power for you.  It was scary, concerning (whatever label feels honest for you);  for a while it had a lot of energy, and now it is gone.  I believe it was Waverider that helped me out a long time ago with an analogy of a really bad thunderstorm, or other violent storm.  If you can view these episodes like this it will help you get in the right mindset.    If a bad thunderstorm came along would you stand outside and argue with it?  Nope, you would get all wet and might end up sick.  Very likely the best idea is to put up your umbrella and head for shelter.  Come back out when the storm as over.  In you case, you need to figure out what it looks like to put the umbrella over your child as well as you.  Hope this helps, and glad things have settled down.    

FF  

Here is the latest. In all respects, this is the most brutal challenge I have ever faced. Some background first:

Before we had children, uBPDw had a great revelation (right before Christmas, of course) that her parents had molested her as a child. Much screaming, crying, etc. occurred back and forth. At the time, I was supportive as I could have been, eventually agreeing to "blacklist" her parents. After a few months, as I recall, it just evaporated. All relations resumed as if nothing ever happened.

A few years later, she accused my father of the same thing with our toddler son. It was a nightmare. 

A few years after that, she accused me of the same thing. She called the local child services bureau and I was "investigated" one afternoon at our home. A few weeks later, we received a letter from the bureau saying the case was dismissed because the charges were "unfounded." Made little difference to uBPDw.

About six months later (after many, many more insane accusations), she told me to leave, and I did. She filed for custody immediately. I spent a monstrous amount of money on a lawyer. Finally, a judge had to tell her that indeed, my children COULD actually leave the house with me for visits (this was rarely allowed by uBPDw at any point in a our marriage). A lot of terrible things happened during this time. My only goal throughout the whole matter was to get uBPDw help and have her realize and admit that none of us are child molesters. That eventually happened in the presence of a therapist, (and by the fact that when I was away on business and she became ill, she called my father to come get the kids for the night). After much more therapy, I felt comfortable enough to "go home" and I did. Things have been better for the most part.

Now, uBPDw has revealed to me that she told s12 what my father (s12's grandfather) "did" to him. s12 has told me that he now "knows everything." My response to him was that just because your mother said it doesn't make it true. She has totally brainwashed my child.

What's the right response for this?

You may want to contact the same therapist and let him/her know what is happening and proceed based on his/her recommendation.

Where do things stand right now with S12? Was he 100 percent convinced that something happened to him?

The therapist is retired now. UBPDw won't allow me to be alone with S12. I need help to figure out what to say to him when I finally can get some time with him. If he were an adult, it would be a lot easier. The proof against uBPDw is astounding. But for a kid? She's completely brainwashed him.

I highly recommend you read Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. Parental alienation typically gets worse after separation but in your case it's escalated within the marriage. Warshak has a lot of detailed descriptions of what to say, and how to say it when there is a serious false allegation. For these kinds of cases, you'll need more than validation. You may also want to contact Dr. Craig Childress who is a leading expert on parental alienation and ask his advice. His view on PA is that it is a form of child abuse, and needs to be treated as such.

I have read Divorce Poison, and Dr. Childress only provides consultation/advice on cases he has assessed. Thank you, though.

   OK, please let us know how the "won't let you be alone" thing works itself out.  Step 1 in this process is you need to establish a r/s with your kid, independent of your wife's control.  She gets to have her own r/s as well.    

FF

I would recommend speaking to a lawyer. People often wait too long to talk to one, thinking it's so bizarre nothing will ever come of it. These are dangerous allegations with devastating (and expensive) consequences. Try to help your son, but remember to protect yourself and other family members as well. Start by documenting these allegations - when/where they allegedly occurred. Keep it hidden so wife and son don't see it. Talk to your parents, establish alibi's, gather photos, screen-cap facebook pages or other social media, etc.

Very sorry you are going thru this 

Thanks. I have already been through this years ago. I have intense and continuing documentation that discredits her every accusation, and she knows it. The only remaining route for uBPDw has left is by discrediting me (and anyone associated with me) via my children. My son is too intelligent and logical for this to last long term.

What makes me so upset is knowing that uBPDw could possibly think -- in any state of mind -- that her horrible accusation(s) should be the burden of a child.

I agree. So sad your son has to deal with this at his age. I'm glad you're on top of it. Hoping for the best for you both!