BPDFamily.com

I am 38 and just got married to a guy whose tongue cuts like a knife when he's not in the mood.  I have been warned by my friends about his attitude the first few years of our relationship but I have seen some huge positive changes later on which made me stay and eventually married him.  The wedding was really amazing, he made a vow which made everyone cried.

After a month, I thought he was willing to change and he needs me to go through it, but lately he has been very irritable and easily got angered by me.  And I observed most of the time he finds it hard to embrace and kiss me when we are not having sex.  I asked him about it and he said "I am not attracted to you so I find it hard to embrace and kiss you... .I don't have feelings for you... .Everything is a mistake... .I feel devastated I married you... .I am forcing myself to like you... ."  These words are killing me.  I asked him, do you feel good each time you see me hurt?  He answers, no.  But he yells at me even when others are outside our house, he calls me pathetic and stupid sometimes. Honestly, there are times I wanna curse him but I refuse to give in to my emotions.  He is a caring and happy guy when he's in the mood, but when he's not he seems to be the total opposite.  I am not sure if he has BPD but he is displaying some characterics of someone with BPD.  Sigh, I don't know what to do... .

Gee, in_dire_need, I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain, and having to deal with this situation   

*welcome*  I'm so very glad you've found us! Every member of this Board knows the sadness you are facing, and the behaviors your Husband exhibits do seem familiar to what we've all faced, too... .

How long have you been married? How long were you a couple before marriage? Did the marriage change the way he treats you, or were his hot-and-cold episodes similar before the wedding? Something I'd like to suggest to you is to read all of the links to the right-hand side of this page; you will find so much valuable information there that might help you understand what is going on with him.

My own Husband has BPD traits (I doubt he would be diagnosed with BPD, though), and most times he thinks I'm great--he's very loving, attentive, respectful, intimate, etc. But there are times, usually when I least expect it, where something I say or do will unintentionally offend him or hurt his feelings, and then he will treat me as if I am a stranger! Someone he doesn't even know, someone he has never even loved in the past; it amazes me that he seems to forget who I really am at those times. And amazes me that he seems to forget that he'd just thought I was a wonderful person and wife, sometimes just minutes before 

The information at the links I mentioned explained to me just why/how that happens, and gave me the communication tools to be able to detach myself from his words and actions and react in ways that shorten those episodes and makes things better. I have to say, finding this site has improved our relationship immensely! It really helps to know that we aren't alone with this, and that others have been where we are and can help with their advice and insights 

Hello Rapt Reader, thanks for the reply. It took me awhile to check my post as I was still trying to get familiar to this page! Anyways, here's my reply to your questions... .We've been married for 3 months now.  His hot-and-cold episodes are still similar before our wedding but it is more painful now because as a wife I should be treated like one but he seems to be harsh to me.  He easily remembers the wrong things and he forgets about the good things I did for him. Yes I should read the links that you are suggesting.  I am needing support as my friends would sure judge me for marrying him and I'm still trying to protect him from judgment so getting some advises from people who are experiencing the same thing is the best thing to do.

Hello, in_dire_need!

Such a familiar tale. If you see the post I have up that i just updated, some of that will sound familiar to you.

Communication is huge in a BPD r/s. When they hurt, they spew it out on everyone, particularly on us. They might even not know what is making them upset, and they will come up with all sorts of 'reasons' for it.

Hurts like heck. But, it's not *us*, it's them.