BPDFamily.com

My BPDxbf just sent me the following email with the title 'closure':


"Some things I want to say before I go. You used to say our problems were because of my BPD. I've been in therapy for several years and have dealt with a lot of issues. True I have the odd slip, but you have a mental illness too.

You never took responsibility for anything, not even when you dumped me after just a few weeks. You claimed everything was because of my BPD, or my past, or (my wife) or any other reason you could find to avoid carrying the can.

When you couldn't blame anything or anyone else, you ran away, claiming you needed to deal with issues. I did a lot for you and gave you a lot of time and effort. You gave very little back except a lot of judgments and criticism.

You were good at giving it out but couldn't take it and you'd throw a tantrum if I dared to point out one of your flaws. In fact you threw a lot of tantrums, mostly when you didn't get your own way.

You spent so much time trying to heal me, telling me what I felt and what modes I was in. What do you know about modes? You'd never heard of schema-modes until you met me.

I know I'm making you sound all bad, but I spent so long trying to boost your ego there isn't much else left.

My last word is that your biggest problem was the fact I stood up to you and wouldn't take your crap. You spent 15 years with a man who stood there and let you bully him, you couldn't handle someone who just wouldn't take it.

We split up because you just can't accept being wrong.

I've already started looking for someone else, I deserve better."

Lifewriter x

hey lifewriter 

yikes. not exactly a balanced perspective, and literally nothing but blame. easy to see, but i have to imagine still pretty hurtful to receive. how are you feeling as a result?

I am devastated given the hours I spent listening to him and holding him whilst he cried the tears of a small child.

Lifewriter x

im sorry lifewriter . id feel devastated too  . it sounds to me like hes very raw, his ego is hurting, and his words are coming from a distorted place. i dont think that removes the sting from his words, but it may help to know this is not necessarily his permanent perspective of all the two of you shared.

I know he doesn't really mean all this. He's trying to get me to go back to him by causing me pain.

He's sending me loads of horrible texts as I type and I'm reading them even though it hurts because I'm hoping that will help me to stay away and to not recycle again.

I want to cry but this is a man who brandished a knife at his wife and I have concerns that it could be me at some point in the future. Given that any hurt he feels is my fault, in his eyes, I think he really is a risky proposition and I should get out before I find myself in the kind of situation that cloudten found herself in.

Lifewriter x

yes, if hes sending you loads of horrible texts as you type, it sounds like hes quite triggered and possibly dysregulated, and interacting is probably a risky proposition, certainly right now. i imagine its still all quite a painful shock to your system to read this kind of distortion from a person you have loved.

do you feel safe at the moment? obviously not with him in general, but are you concerned he may escalate beyond the horrible texts?

I'm safe, once removed. I don't think he'll escalate beyond the horrible texts. He dysregulates very frequently but comes round from them. He is annoyed with me because I told him I wasn't prepared to take the blame for his hurt. His perspective is that I hurt him and am denying responsibility for it and, to make it worse, blaming his illness for creating that hurt.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

This isn't your fault, you have SET and validated to high heaven. Can you see what projection this is ?

Hi Beach_Babe & thanks. Yes, I can see that this is projection. But, it has still saddened me a great deal. What has struck me is just how ill my BPDxbf is. I wanted to believe that all his crying and regressing to a child-like state was him working through his issues and getting better. I saw no evidence of him getting better last night.

After going through a drug and alcohol project, 6 months in DBT and 1^1/2 years in schema therapy, I thought he'd be actively healing, but in terms of relationship patterns, I think he's been acting out his BPD with me all the way through. I think I've been misconstruing his states. I thought he was in healthy adult mode when he was 'mending' the rifts between us, but yesterday he said in a text that he was 'feigning compliant surrenderer'. I also now think that what I perceived to be sexual intimacy was actually just a form of self-soothing for him. Now, I feel used and dirty. I'm thinking that the relationship was not what I had thought it was at all. I am in shock.

I so wanted him. I saw what I wanted to see. But when I scratched the surface, challenged him by refusing to take responsibility for his pain, it all popped out.

Lifewriter x

No I believe he loves you, in the best way he can. The problem is that love is very childlike and conditional. He also seems to have it in his head you look down on him. My ex did this at the end as well and I couldn't discern whether he meant that or just needed an excuse again to end things. What is your take here?

Lifewriter16.

So sorry to read this. You must be devastated.

Hang in there. |iiii

This will pass

Yeah, i got that, its you not me.  You never worked on the relationship,.  I reaponded with love as always, and that they are the love of my life, and I'm here, and so is that love, that we will always be a team.  That was the last text she ever sent me,  besides a few about money or or court, not a peep on anything else

Lifewriter, I only wish I had your calm, patience (and adept use of staying skills)... .if YOU  can't bring this bloke around, maybe no one can. I just feel sad for him.

Lifewriter, I can't express properly how much his closure letter saddens and angers me, for you.

You were the first person to make sure I was comfortable on this board and guiding me to open up and share. From day one, you have taken complete responsibility to myself a stranger, regarding your situation, so I most certainly believe you did with him as well.

My exBPD pulled these same stunts. Then I would be guilted back. We have all found out the hard way this is how their disordered minds handle true pain; revenge, punishment, projection. (I don't know what dysregulated is although I'm sure I've experienced it.) But you know all of this. I only hope you are feeling better with each passing hour of his cruel texts. I get it, that's ammunition for someone who has given so much love and devotion. As painful as it is to read now they may just help prevent you from returning.