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Have any of you completely expected them to come back after a period of NC and they DID end up trying to come back? I'm going on one month of NC with my ex, which I started basically the second we broke up. She said a number of things to me during that final call that were very contradictory. "I need space." "Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" "I want to be healthy if I were to want to return to this some day." "If you don't give me what I want I'm going to make you miserable by cheating on you and telling you all about it." It was harsh but contradictory, almost as if she really didn't know what she wanted. She was trying to push me away.

I mentioned this in another post, but she left behind quite a bit of stuff up here, which I can't determine is either a leave-behind or just her laziness. We've broken up twice before, and both of those times she said immediately that she was going to come up and get her things. The second time she came crying back to me and I caved. This time, however, she's made no mention of her possessions.

I guess this is the impossible question, but after one month of NC, when can you actually expect them to try and come back versus they themselves moving on with no intention of returning? In the mean time, I've been working on myself and moving on, keeping in the back of my mind that she may try again.

The time before this last time of last night (about 1.5 weeks ago) when he pulled that drama and then the "I will be by this weekend to get my stuff" hook, I made him take it all. The times before that, I would have him take little things away but this last time was the big stuff; table saws, motorcycle. He does not live with me and I am not a storage unit. The stuff is the hook. I know with his ex, he waited over a year to go get his crap, which he promptly stored at my house.    The point of my story is they seem to leave little hooks wherever they go so they can climb through that small window back into your brain. Can you carefully gather it and deliver it to where she is staying or to her close friend or family member?

Well, therein lies the problem. We DO have a storage unit. I've illustrated my backstory here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286882.msg12703001#msg12703001

One thing worth mentioning is that over the past few weeks I've been taking more things from my home into storage, which was already full of her things. So presumably, in her mind all of that stuff is still in my home, and she knows she'll have to go through it.

Are you the one paying on the unit?

Yep.

I guess my point is that she hasn't made a real effort to cut me out of her life, which is uncharacteristic of her. It's driving me crazy trying to determine if she's officially done or just out roaming for a bit. Not saying that I will take her back if she tries, but this limbo state is kind of rattling my brain. I feel like I'm preparing.

Yes; it is unnerving when they 'change the script'. Just when you think you got the pattern down... .

Mine came back to me within 1-2 months after every breakup (about  50 times). This time it has been 4.5 months so who knows. But she left saying she's sorry.  They usually come back especially if you were really amazing to them because you are a high source of ego boost.

Mine tends to leave things or keeps things of mine to keep some sort of attachment.  As far as coming back, it seems to depend on their other options and how they are working out.  If they have no other options set up its usually a few weeks or days, if they get in another relationship it depends on how long the other person can take it.  Usually the pwBPD can only act normal for a few months before their true nature surfaces.  It also depends on the extent of their mental illness and the extent of their abnormal behaviors.

hey burritoman  

this is one time i can think of that my gut was wrong. it told me id hear from her at one month, three months, six months... .shed left belongings behind too, so that added to the gut feeling.

its been just short of five years, and she never directly contacted me. saw her name on my house phone caller ID once, and twice got a friend request on facebook that was retracted within hours. not at all what i expected; expectation kept me stuck, too.


|iiii

They reach put to others when punishing their partners too.

She texted me some similar things. "I'm sorry, I know I'm hurting you." "I need this space to grow," to which I ignored. Out of curiosity, in your situation when she would leave for 1-2 months at a time, did she leave implying it was completely over? Were you in NC? The first two times we broke up we were still it pretty regular contact. We have never gone a month of radio silence before.

I need to stress that we're talking about quite a bit of things here, so much that if she never came to get these things I could fully furnish my new apartment once I move. It will take a Uhaul to transport it all. I can understand leaving behind some shirts, pictures, minor material items, etc., but not a whole storage unit's worth of things. Especially expensive Christmas presents, kitchenware, cutlery, etc.

Yes we were in NC during each of these 1-2 months.  She would yell, scream and leave.  I assumed it meant she wouldn't ever come back but she always did. This last time (4.5 months ago) she never said goodbye, she just said sorry. I guess they don't want full closure because they know they can come back.

burritoman, we were talking a couple thousand dollars worth of items in my case; it included items belonging to dead relatives. im not sure that it matters. is it a means to leave the door open? it might be. it might not be.

the question becomes whether or not you expect contact and how you will react if it happens.

I also expect my ex back, but I'm not sure how realistic that is at this point.  We were NC for about 6 weeks after the breakup, and he materialized again at a party and followed me around like a sad puppy until I talked to him, after which he began flirting with me, talking about sexual topics, etc.  A week later I saw him again and he triggered and painted me black.  He threatened me with a PPO if I ever talk to him again.

Now it's been seven weeks since that, and he appears to be very unsatisfied with his life since he blew things up that second time.  From the little I can see on social media, it seems like he's been grasping at straws to try to replace his lost social life.  He won't go to any gatherings of our mutual friends because I might come and trigger him.  He hasn't found a new group of friends to spend time with, there is no replacement, and other interests that he had pursued in his life have dropped off as well.  I can tell he's becoming very frustrated with his inability to replace me, and he's checking up on my friends and I on social media several times per day for the last few days -- sometimes every hour!

He is an incredibly stubborn person who can't take responsibility for anything that goes wrong, so I am sure that he blames his entire situation on me.  However, I wonder how long it will be expedient for him to do this, because as long as he paints me black and imagines me evil, he is powerless to change the situation and is stuck at home eating Taco Bell with his cats.  I have sensed lately that he is stuck in an impasse between taking responsibility (and coming back) or trying to replace the whole lot of us.  I suspect that time will break him down and he'll have to face the fact that he made his bed and is lying in it, but wow, what a slow grind.

I can't swear that I'd never take him back, but because I have literally zero control over the situation and he may never return, I'm assuming the worst on this one.

I pretty much always expect mine to come back.  She told me last week that she basically talks to no one, so during times when she is in between relationships or when she wants to leave one but doesn't have a replacement lined up, she will come back to me, I'm sure.  That being said, I haven't even seen her since June.

This last discard feels pretty final, but this was the first time we were friends on Facebook, so it's the first time that she's been able to block me on there.  I know she blocked my calls and texts before.  Her ex is still blocked, after three months.  It really doesn't take much to bring her back, though.  With each discard, it gets easier for me because I pretty much expect the discard and then the eventual recycle.  Will it happen this time?  Who knows?  I refuse to block her on anything, just in case she needs to reach me for some serious reason, like notifying me of another suicide attempt or something similar.  This last discard wasn't really angry or anything, and she doesn't publicly smear people, so I'm not worried.  

I'm always going to be a bit different.  First of all, none of our arguments were online, so if she talks to me again, none of her friends will really notice that it's weird.  Secondly, she has this fairy tale image of love but has never gotten the chance to see if she could make it work with me, as we were only friends who had a brief affair.  She told me back in June that we would never get together (at this point, I wouldn't let it happen anyway), but I'm pretty sure I was being set up as a replacement this last time.  Her dream life with me included a house and cats.  Well, I just bought a house and adopted two cats.  I'm sure there's a big part of her that hates the fact that I'm living our dream without her.

She's friends with some exes on Facebook and not with others.  This year, as a whole, has been terrible for her (has lived four places, has had two jobs, has gone through four boyfriends, attempted suicide, and can now barely pay her electric bill each month), and I've noticed that she isn't friends with any of her exes from this year.  Now, that could certainly change in the future.  She is concerned most about her image and also likes to be the one who leaves.  The first guy broke up with her and then made a comment about her ending their friendship as well, which she replied to.  The second guy commented on a Facebook post of hers and brought up saving her life and being thanked by having her replace him so soon.  This was after he also called the cops on her, for stealing from him.  The third guy cheated on her, and she posted about it.  Again, I'm different.  She didn't like or comment on any of my posts, and she didn't reply to one that I tagged her in.  So, I doubt most people even noticed that she and I were friends for a week.  This would certainly make it easier for her to try to reconnect with me again.  

She never lets me have the final word, which I think leaves everything open to her.  This last goodbye was very quick.  She replied to my text, and within seconds, I was blocked on everything.    

Even when mine says goodbye, she comes back.  Like everything else with her, "goodbye" is a feeling, and feelings=facts.

June - "I don't want you in my life anymore.  Goodbye."

July - "Thank you for your friendship, but please don't contact me.  Love always, A." 

August - ":)o you have a room for rent?"

September - "Why aren't we friends?  I thought we were."

September - "You're crazy.  I don't want to be friends with you."

September - Calls and texts blocked

November - Resumed contact, became friends on Facebook

December - "This obviously isn't working.  Bye."

December - Calls and texts blocked, blocked on Facebook

How have other people's exes handled the bad things they did previously? 

I have never gotten an apology, but after accusing me of stalking him, my ex began talking very loudly about where he lives and where he spends his time in front of me the second time he saw me, as if to clarify that he didn't think I was a stalker.  He often seems quite embarrassed about the way he behaves when his anxiety is high.  I wonder if that is what is keeping him from returning right now.

My theory is that they stay away in proportion to how badly they believe they treated us in the last round.

Your theory has some merits.  In addition to how badly they treated you, it's also how they perceive you are feeling.  If they think you are angry they may stay away longer and then make subtle contacts to see how you respond. 

Avoidance every single time.  She would usually apologize (sincere or not) and then pretend like nothing ever happened.    She never showed any concern for my feelings or emotional wellbeing following something she did that hurt me, other than the initial sad face when she saw how upset and hurt I was.  She would usually sink into a depression and start the victim routine in order to make it about her.  This was a very childlike response.  

She would have had to be blind at times not to see I was still hurting from something she did.  She would plug on like everything was normal and nothing had ever happened.

There have been no apologies, no sign of remorse or guilt or feelings at all from my ex since the final discard.  She has by all appearances completed deleted me from her life and wants nothing to do with me anymore.   I have become a waste of time and space and she will no longer waste any of her time or life on me.

I think the same as well. Almost 10 months of NC and not a single peep from her. I was one of the most important partners she had in her life... .

Guess that the more the damage they know they inflicted, the more the shame to face and thus it's better to lock that in some corner of their mind.

Interesting question, and one I've thought about often.  

When she comes back, I never get an apology.  The first time, the first text I received was, "Hi."  The second time, I got, "You really think my smiled never touched my eyes?"  This was in response to something she read on my Facebook timeline.  

About two weeks before she contacted me, she randomly removed her location and where she works from Facebook.  She didn't make them private.  She took them off completely.  I figured it was because a mutual friend asked where she worked and she assumed it was because she was trying to find out the information so she could pass it along to me.  This wasn't the case at all, and that information had been public for months anyway.  When I was painted white again, she mentioned work and her apartment, but she didn't mention where she works or where she lives.  Now, she had told me where she was moving to, so I knew this, but I'm sure she forgot that she told me.  

She told me that she doesn't want to talk about the past.  Whenever I would bring up anything that reminded her of her past actions, she didn't want to talk about it.  Since I was a part of all of that, I actually asked her if I remind her of the past.  She never replied.  

I think mine also stays away longer when she realizes that she really did treat the person badly.  She almost caused her ex to lose his house.  He saved her life, and she ended up breaking up with him.  She physically abused him.  She convinced him that she wanted to move across the country with him and live with her parents, and then she decided not to.  Her stepdad had a job lined up for him.  She borrowed money from him and never paid him back.  Later, she stole from him.  If she ever contacts him again, it won't be for a very long time.  With him, she's painted herself black.

On the other hand, she always blames me for everything, so she tends to punish me by blocking me.  Then, she comes back when she feels I've been punished enough.  With me, she paints me black.  

Generally speaking, she seems to test the water first, before actually making contact.  In July, instead of texting me or e-mailing me, she sent me a card.  It was more personal, but it also eliminated the possibility of a quick reply from me.  She told me not to contact her again.  I decided to text her, to thank her for the card.  She replied.  My words were kind, and so she knew I wasn't mad at her.  A few weeks later, she felt that it would be okay if she contacted me again.  Last week, she checked out my Facebook timeline, to see if I mentioned her at all.  She found a post that was clearly about her, and it showed that I clearly wasn't mad at her.  So, she texted me.  

She is pretty aware of the fact that she treats people poorly and that people get mad at her all the time, though she doesn't usually admit it.  At the end of the day, she wants people to like her and doesn't want to feel shame.  I get mad at her a lot, but I'm not the type of person who feels the need to send profanity-laced texts to people.  I'm also not the type of person who holds onto anger.  With my job, I just can't be.  

She really is just like a child.    

It's funny that you posted this as I was typing my response.  Looks like great minds think alike.   :)

I compare this to a puppy who was scolded for chewing up a chew or something similar.  Perhaps it was yelled at, not allowed to sleep on the bed that night, etc.  Slowly, it tests the waters.  It nudges your hand.  It rubs up against your legs.  It stretches out on the floor and peers up at you with sad eyes.  It wants to see how you'll react.  So, you say, "Okay, Buster.  I get it.  You're sorry you chewed up that shoe.  Want to go for a walk?"  The puppy perks up, barks, and starts running around excitedly. 

I would imagine that children are similar, though I'm way more familiar with animals, lol. 

Three weeks after NC, I received a FB friend request from unknown person.

• The person has tiny/unrecognizable profile picture



• We have one mutual friend, the one I mentioned my ex GF several times



• This person liked one restaurant from the small town where my ex was born



• The person is a member of a group that is covering emotional health issues

What are the chances that this person is my ex? :)

These are all great replies. Has anyone noticed a trend of them returning based on who initiated NC, regardless of the things they said when they left?

I guess I've learned over the years with past breakups is that you shouldn't chase them and go immediate NC, no matter how tough. This is regardless of if they're normal or BPD. I'm proud of myself for keeping it up. I haven't looked at her FB in weeks (and according to a friend, she appears to be LIVING it up). I've come to realize how NC has helped my healing. There are still ups and downs, good days and bad, but most importantly I've been able to really rationalize the relationship, her and my actions, and why it was unhealthy.

I'm putting myself into a healthy mindset so when the conversation DOES happen about her things, I'll be able to handle what she tosses at me. My biggest fear about the storage situation though is that she's not doing it to keep a tether to me, but she's taking advantage. Meaning, "I have no room for this stuff at my place, so I'll just let him keep paying for it because he's a pushover."

I am waiting to see what kinds of "subtle contacts" he comes up with.  He knows that if he contacts me first, it nullifies his desire for a PPO and opens the door for me to communicate with him.  So I think he is very hesitant to do that.  I think he also knows that it is going to be very hard for me to forgive him for the PPO thing and move on.  He's left me with no means to let him know that I forgive him.  This could be a long haul.

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Even when mine says goodbye, she comes back.  Like everything else with her, "goodbye" is a feeling, and feelings=facts.

June - "I don't want you in my life anymore.  Goodbye."

July - "Thank you for your friendship, but please don't contact me.  Love always, A."  

August - ":)o you have a room for rent?"

September - "Why aren't we friends?  I thought we were."

September - "You're crazy.  I don't want to be friends with you."

September - Calls and texts blocked

November - Resumed contact, became friends on Facebook

December - "This obviously isn't working.  Bye."

December - Calls and texts blocked, blocked on Facebook

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SummerStor, I can't wait for what January will bring!  

I also decided To put together my history.

January-March - "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, you are so amazing to me, I love you with all my heart and soul."

April - "I'm tired of this relationship, goodbye!". (she starts seeing someone else)

May - "You are the best thing to happen to me, give me some time and I will be yours forever.". (we see each other, have sex, says it's over with the other guy)

June - She blocks me, has no contact.  I find out she moved in with the other guy.

July - We run into each other.  Later I get a text "it was awesome seeing you, all my feelings were still there, I miss you and always loved you, we should meet and talk.".  She broke up with the other guy and moved out and renting a room in her ex husbands house.

August - We get back together, talk of marriage.

September - We get engaged

October - "I'm feeling trapped, I need time, do you think you would just want to be friends, maybe with benefits too?". We sort of break up for two weeks, LC.

November - "I miss you all the time, it's so hard sleeping without you, I love you, I will always be here for you, you can always count on me."

December - "That is it, I'm walking away from this relationship."

Reading this is so ridiculous it's almost funny if I didn't have to live it!

She always initiates NC, and she's always the one who returns. 

I forgot to add May, which was, "Hurry up and buy a house.  I thought about you a lot today.  I imagined you proposing to me.  I imagined you pregnant with our child.  I imagined us adopting a kitten together.  I imagined a lot of sex."  A few days later, this was followed by, "You're the one."  Less than a week after that, it was all over, and she just wanted to be friends. 

I think we'll start with Christmas and see what happens, lol.

Her sister is back home right now.  I think she must be taking a semester off from college before starting at a university in another state.  It will be interesting to see what happens when she goes back to school and is several states away.  I sense there will be some major abandonment issues with that.  I would imagine that she'll be going back in January, though I suppose it's possible that she took an entire year off.   

It is funny and it is ok to laugh. I've certainly sped along my healing process by finding humor in my own situation.  :)

This is the first time she leaves but not the first time she goes into crisis and strays.  I initiated the NC back in October after a strong push/pull attemtp since she left in July.  I get anxiety and panic attacks because of her inconsistent patterns.  For example, "Babe, I want a divorce".  This is what I've experienced since going NC:

So, now, let's talk about the last 6 weeks.  Keep in mind,  She first put me out to pasture.  Now I have completely avoided her, I have not responded to texts, I don't answer her calls.  We have lived completely separate lives.  We have not crossed any paths or intruded each with the kids:

1)One day, the main idolized friend was texting my 7 year old daughter to have her mom call her.  This friend works with her and it was before the day started which presumably meant my wife was going to see this person at work.  So, chaos exists here.

2)  My wife frantically wanted to come home and help with the kids the weekend immediately after I told her to leave me alone.  Even though, my teenage boys, shut her down, she still showed up.  My second oldest told her to leave.  Mind you she left in July and has had no care about the house or helping each other out with the kids...

3) On Halloween, before school, she sends me pictures of my daughters in their halloween costumes.  She then calls a cousin of mine if it's ok to take the kids to their house because they missed him.  Mind you, I was picking them up after school for what was my week with them.  Which means, I was also the one taking them trick or treating.

4) A few weeks ago, my wife starts calling me.  I don't answer and the first text I get from her was "if you don't answer, I will have to call the police".  Luckily, my oldest texted me what was going on.  It seems that she instigated an argument with my 2nd oldest (16 years) and it got out of hand. I called and picked up my son.  Never spoke to her.  This infuriated her.  She tried to make me feel guilty

5)  My two daughters (7 and 6) had an after school Xmas fair one day.  Luckily, I noticed that my wife's van was parked in a street adjacent to the school not in the traditional parking lot.  My girls never saw her.  I felt like she was expecting me to take the girls and wanted to cross paths.  Why would she be there alone?

She still texts asking me questions, as if she doesn't understand what leave me alone means.  

C. Stein is correct.  Just plan, visualize and accept the worst.  Put yourself through this pain on your terms.  :)on't wait for them to come back.  I do expect mine to come back because all signs show that she was expecting me to chase her.  This past week, my son told me she stated "it was not suppose to be like this."

In my case, my pwBPD creates a fantasy with people and it doesn't last. It gets so severe, she can't sustain it.  I just don't know in what time frame she was in when I discovered she was at it again.  She has mentioned it lasted 18 months in the past.  Not the straying but the whole process of creating the fantasy.   

It really depends on patterns and if they still exhibit those patterns which will tell you the chances if they will try to come back.  Get strong!  Get educated! This will help you make the right decision. 

My ex said the same thing to me:  "With me, when something happens and it's in the past, I don't talk about it anymore.  The past is the past."  Another avoidance tactic.

I also suspect he's painted himself black with me.  He gets the most angry with me when I'm kind to him.  If I tell him things like how nice it was to see him and how glad I was that he came back to our group of friends, he calls me a "stalker" and gets exceedingly angry at me.  I know he's really angry at himself, because if I really am a sweet, kind person, then there is no excuse for what he did, and then he can't rationalize it away.  If I were mean, and angry with him, at least he would be justified in his avoidance and mistreatment.

His increasingly aggressive attempts to find me on social media tell me that he's looking for a way to make a tentative step back toward me, but he's left himself very few low-risk options now.  I think he's very frustrated that he has set himself up to face rejection in order to see me again, but doesn't know what to do it about it.  I actually have forgiven him, but I am left with no options for communicating this.  He must know this, because he threatened me with a PPO, but it leaves him completely in the dark as far as where he stands.  I'm sure that instead of regret, he is just mad at me for creating the whole situation.

Wow, she must have sensed I was talking about her!  She just called me unexpectedly and wants to get together tomorrow and she said she loved me.   lol

Well this is a good test to see how strong I can be. 

So I need to update my December

Dec 1 - "That is it, I am walking away from the relationship."

Dec 5 - "I love you, let's get together tomorrow."

You know, I read a lot of these stories about people being in contact with their ex even for a little bit after a breakup. At least you got that. Mine argued with me over the phone about how she hasn't been single at all in her 20s, what if she were to want to go home with someone, why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, I need space to become healthy if I were to want to return to this someday. I gave my "blessing" to break up, which of course I didn't want. Hung up. She texted me some followup stuff about how she knows she's hurting me, blah blah. I ignored her, she called me out on it, I kept ignoring her, and here I am a month later without any contact or explanation as to what happened. I haven't reached out to her, and she hasn't reached out to me. No idea if she's going to try to come back or make any reconciliation.

And yes, it is crazy how they can just do it at the drop of a hat. The week leading up to the breakup she became very aloof. Barely responded to my texts, then told me that night that I was annoying her from all of my texting, forgetting about all of the constant contact and love bombing she did early on. The week prior we were talking all the time still, planning for the future. It was also Halloween week, and even the night of she sent me photos of her in her costume for work. A sexy one, of course... .no idea what happened that night. Maybe it's better that I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I had gone down to see her that weekend things would have been different. Probably not, though. If anything it would have just delayed the inevitable.

^^^Above post is in the wrong thread. This is my intended response here.

I'm beginning to wonder if actually my ex is done for good. Even though her excuses for the breakup at the time were wishy washy, full of concrete reasons why we're done, but aloof statements implying she doesn't know what she wants. I believe she had her replacement lined up, although I know they aren't FB official (thanks to a friend telling me). The big problem she had with our relationship was that I wasn't moving things forward with her, even though she knew I couldn't marry her yet because of my need to be back home. She knows that my life has demands and challenges right now, and after repeatedly telling her I would marry her when the time was right, she always took it as a "no," even though I never once told her no. Seems to me that a more loving and less selfish partner would understand this and want to be there for me? Also, she made me put my guard up. You can't marry somebody who you're unsure of.

In our call, she told me "If we got married today we'd be divorced in five years," but then later she said "you should have married me when I first asked you" (through a text message only a couple of months into the relationship, by the way). As if things would have been different? I have a voicemail from her when we broke up in August where she's crying and begging me to take her back because she doesn't want to live without me. After I caved and took her back, things quickly went back to the way they were, then a couple of months later she's gone. So, who knows? Maybe she knows what she wants and realizes that right now she can't get it with me, so she's going to find it with someone else? It's still strange though that she seems to have left the door open and not cut me out of her life. It seems more indicative of someone who just doesn't know what she wants right now. Lovebombing aside, I think she did believe that I was the one and it was fate, and I was different than her other partners. She told me many times that she had lusted after me (online) for a year and was determined to be with me. Apparently I disappointed her preconceived notions of who she thought I was, or she really DID believe all of these things but the relationship followed the normal trajectory of BPD... .

I could institutionalize myself with all of these back and forth thoughts.

That's where she changed the game on me. Her patterns definitely changed. The first couple of times we broke up I tried to cut her off but she kept calling and texting, but after we got back together she told me she was mad that I didn't come after her to show her I cared. I'm wondering if this time around, because I cut her off cold turkey, it's a sign to her that I don't care and she won't put in the effort anymore. But then why not cut me out completely?

So I met my exBPDgf at the park per her request today.  Driving there I was thinking to turn around but I figured I'd see what she had to say.  So she says she couldn't continue the relationship because she doesn't trust me though she loves me.  The reason she can't trust me is that during the last time she dumped me, I went to a bar with a female and had a drink.  She says she doesn't believe thats all it was but that's all it was.  Of course during one of the previous breakups she dated someone else and had sex but thats totally irrelevant.  Kind of strange that this breakup is because during the previous lol breakup I had a drink with a female, and she knew about it before getting back with me.  So now after 3 months its the reason?  Just another lame crazy excuse.

Anyways I said ok I love her too but that I understand her to be saying our relationship is over and that I will accept that and move on with my life.  Then the classic response from her, "I never said it was over."   lol

Even her text to me was "That is it, I'm walking away from this relationship."   

So I asked what do you want it to be?  She responded with she needs time, we can still be friends, we can still see each other.  She said she may want to make love to me sometimes.  I just said ok.

My interpretation: "I don't have anyone lined up right now so it would be great if you spend money on me, take me to dinner, hang out together at my whim so I'm not bored, and I'll use sex to entice you to do nice things for me (i.e. I love your massages and expensive restaurants) and I may even reward you with sex if I feel like it.  This will allow me time to find your replacement and then I can just dump you at that time.  After all, I never made any promises."

Still deciding on if I should just go NC again or go along with her game.  I'm thinking if I play her game and am able to not get emotionally lost, maybe I'll see her for what she really is and it will help getting over her. 

If I go to dinner with her or have drinks or any activity costing $$$ it will be 'dutch'.  See how that goes over.  After all we are just friends.  I'll have to admit, the sex offer is very enticing but I'm not sure she meant it.  I wonder if it's possible to have a healthy friendship with an exBPD SO? 

If I go NC, I will still be hurting, wondering, still desiring some resolution though I know my life around this woman would be disastrous. 

I can't and won't live a life of games. Waste of energy, does not help me grow, and wastes everyone's time. Be careful.

They changed the game on you because you changed the game. My pwBPDw literally told me I had to chase her when I told her I wasn't this time.  He pattern was there until I initated NC.  Her and I are in new territory.  I don't think it changes for them whether we chase or not.  They are in the same state of mind.  Has she reached out to anyone around you!  I feel like since I am not chasing her she is trying other methods.  Mine is fantasy based so she is not herself right now. 

How has she not cut you out completely?

She hasn't reached out to me, but she still has all of era belongings here, she hasn't I friended me nor any of my friends on FB, nor has she removed any of our relationship photos. It's uncharacteristic of her.

Explain the uncharacteristic part... .   If it were 100% true what would that look like?

She has a very strict "exes belong in the past" policy. If she cut me out of her life the way she's done with past exes, she would have unfriended or blocked me on Facebook, unfriended all of my friends and family, removed our relationship photos, changed her status to "single" (currently her status is hidden), and at least made mention of getting her belongings. Until recently I've had some of my previous ex's things, and she has said before that if we were to break up she would make sure to take her things because she doesn't want to be like my past ex where I have a bunch of her stuff indefinitely. She has done this with all of her past long term exes, so that's why it's uncharacteristic.

You see, that's what I'm telling you about patterns.  Even though she changed the game on you she is not putting completely out to pasture.  But don't drown yourself in the curiosity.  If you go NC for yourself, you will start to get clarity. 

Yeah, see that's what's just so strange about it all and why you can rattle your brain thinking about this. After being NC for a month, I've come to learn more about what BPD really is. When we were dating I just knew she had a multitude of problems, but I didn't know well enough to compile them all into one disorder. Now that I can look back and understand these things, I recognize that none of it could have really been prevented. If anything I would have only prolonged the inevitable. I do still have some would/could/should have guilt, but when I analyze it, it really means that I would/could/should have caved into her demands while she still would have walked over my needs. I'm preparing myself for her to try and come back, or to never speak to her again. I still do have a of fear of the "out of sight, out of mind" with her, and that she devalued me enough to where she flat out doesn't need me anymore, but in the end that's her problem, right? I want her back and I don't want her back. Like I said, I'm just trying to prepare myself either way. As far as the storage unit we share (that I pay for) is concerned, I'm not planning on doing anything with it until I get myself into the proper head space.

But all this said, she did push me to leave her, because she couldn't do it herself. She didn't cheat on me as far as I know, but she left me to fool around with one of her "just friends." I can't confirm this, but it's pretty obvious. Why do these people think they can just cut you off, fool around, bounce into other relationships, then pop back in whenever they please? Especially after saying some of the most insane things during the break up?

Also, you mentioned that I changed the game on her. How? By going NC? Also, no, she hasn't reached out to anyone around me. A couple of weeks ago she did "like" some stuff on a couple of my friends' walls, but that could be meaningless.

I'm not entirely sure why they do it.  But keep in mind we are on a board in regards to a personality disorder.  So medically, it's beyond their control. 

You mentioned that you cut her off cold turkey.  You never did this before.  What did you do before? 

Well, the first time we broke up I tried cutting her off but I always responded or called back. Over the summer I was a bit more successful in ignoring her, but that's when the crying and "pleases" started. Eventually I caved again. This time around, I said (almost verbatim), "If this is what you want then fine. This is your decision not mine. Thank you for the last three years, I love you, and I wish you the best of luck." I hung up and went NC immediately. She texted me some followup stuff about "I know I'm hurting you, I need space to grow, etc.," then called me out on ignoring her. I stuck to my guns, now here I am a month later of no NC.

So she was expecting you to react a way she was use to.  What do you think/feel is her next action step?

Presumably to walk away indefinitely, or for good... It's a double edged sword. If you chase after them you fuel their ego and they push you away further, but if you walk away they presume you never cared. It still doesn't explain her lack of finality.

This is why we never win with a BPD. Damned if you do damned if you don't. Although I do believe they only respect those who treat them well but also don't run after them when they discard.

Truth. The first time we reconciled she was mad at me that I didn't chase or or say anything to save the relationship. I didn't treat her badly, but I'm not perfect. I was always positive and encouraging, but then I missed this or that. After being treated badly for so long, how much more effort are you willing to give? My last act  in the relationship during the week of the breakup was sending her a nice flower gift because she claimed to be sick. That's at least leaving me on a high note once her dark colored glasses come off. My only regret about the moment of break up is that I wasn't in a proper head space to get any final words out of the way. No "so are we done or taking a break?" But I think my final words were impressionable enough. She said she wanted space, so I gave her space, right?

There is absolutely no way to win in these relationships whatsoever. The constant debate of should I back off or persue. My ex always needed her "breaks" (which was ok) but then when she needed Me I "had" to be there or things would go bad. I was always the one present and willing in the r/s... .More so than is normal, but I never knew where I stood. It was all about "her" and me being codependent didn't help. I just want her to realize this. but i know it is false hope. I still love her but BPD f****s up the best of good well intentioned people.

Flyfish,

How long were her breaks?

First time was just a "break" in which both of us decided on NC for a month. Of course she broke this within two weeks and we got back together. I still wanted her so bad that I was willing.

The second was a breakup by her and it lasted a month. I went NC in this period and she was the one who reached out to me in an emotionally filled letter (email)... .Of course I fell right in because I was still ohooked. Our r/s lasted about 3 months after this. In this time I was a shell of my former self. My life was her and her alone.

The third and final... .She broke it up by a phone call after a night that we spent together. Such confusion. I stayed too long. A nearly 2 year long fulfilling relationship broken up by a phone call.

The first times she broke up I intuitively knew that it was not over if that makes sense. This last time was quite different. Finite. I even broke and called her out of desperation 2 weeks after which was stupid. Since then I have been about 3 months NC.

Man this sucks

Sounds similar to my situation. I'm in the phone call business as well. She couldn't even dignify it with a face to face after almost 3 years. We live cities apart, but not 5 minutes before she called me she was talking about coming up the following night. I had the same feelings those first two times, that it wasn't really over yet. I had no real idea at the time, but my gut said otherwise. This time my gut is playing tricks on me. How did you realize your third time was final?

I just know her well enough to know that it was final I guess. the first two times she seemed uncertain.

This last time she was most certain. And who in h*** breaks a deep romantic relationship of 2 years over the phone. My only answer is that  pwBPD have the emotional capacity of a 5 year old. Hard to believe but her actions definitely spoke true in this regard.

It was a gut feeling as you state. The sad thing is I don't think I'm strong enough to stay away from her if she wants to try again. I would jump back in an instant my mind says no way but it doesn't follow my heart

i think I am here currently. It has been over a month. This is the longest we haven't spoken in 2 years time. He didn't block me on Facebook and I haven't tried to contact. I doubt he has blocked me on his phone either. I told him, He's a collector. He never truly says goodbye to anyone.

I think they are literally emotionally retarded at the age that something awful happened; maybe like us all? However, they are SUPER stuck there. My BPDex is at ~ 21-22 yrs old. I don't know what happened, but he is really fixated on that era and acts like it and talks about that time just like it happened but when he devastates me 2 months ago? That was a LONG TIME AGO... .It is a shame for a 52 year old man. I can't imagine. I had a crap childhood like none other and I will try to write a book in these coming years but he can't even process his issues. Tragic and toxic.

Familiar to me as well. And I didn't even get a phone call. Only email.

I think my ex is stuck somewhere around late teens to early twenties with regard to emotional maturity.

Jane,

You are on to something.  When my wife goes through this type of crisis, it's like her current brain is replaced by the brain of her late teens.  The conversations we have, the complaints she has, her behaviors all go back to that era.  You can even see it in her text.  It's peculiar.  My teenage boys have noticed this as well.  It's as if, the Mr. Hyde is from a specific time in their life.

Anyone else experience this?

I can definitely relate. When we would argue it felt like I was arguing with a teenager, and if she had a breakdown I felt like I was dealing with a little girl.

I saw this dynamic with my mother a few years ago... .up there at her house fixing and cleaning. She came at me with venom because I moved some dusty business card. I calmly told her I was there just like every year because I love her and want to help and I would not throw anything out, just dust it (she has COPD, hoarder, and filthy dust and dog hair). She shouts, "YOU NEVER CARED BEFORE!" Ran into her room, slammed the door and dashed herself on the bed.

I was like, What the heck? I opened the door and calmly said, "Mom, you are acting like a f-ing petulant child." then I gently closed the door. I have not been back since. Limited phone calls. She has been this since my first memory.

Having a lover do that is super twilight zone stuff. 

For mine, it was push away, want nothing to do with me for about a week (in which time there was NC), then they would text/call/email expressing a desire to meet up for "closure" or that they were sad, and each time I would re-enter things.

Prior to this I had not experience with any type of break-up/make-up cycle, and by the end I had become used to it.

Things would end because I was a "monster, terrible, manipulative, etc," and then often a bunch of hateful texts were sent to me that I would not reply to.

This last break-up seems more lasting (though I always assumed every break-up was the final one) - they returned my belongings (including some gifts), and have said I am not healthy for them, and will be getting a restraining order against me. That was maybe two weeks ago. So we'll see.

It is hard - I both fear hearing from them again, and never hearing from them. Ultimately I know it is better for me to not be involved in any way with this person. Still hard.

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