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Yesterday, BPDh's company had their holiday party. I guess they closed early, and the party was at a country club. He said it was formal, but spouses weren't invited. I think he's lying, but whatever. The party wrapped up before 3:00pm, and then quite a few of them headed to a bar. He'd told me spouses show up to this part, but he didn't ask me to go.

I was fine with all of this(even if I felt sort of slighted, like he didn't want me along), but I didn't know he'd be spending 7 hours at the bar, and coming home appearing drunk, admitting he'd drank a lot, and he had an hour drive home, in the company car! What was he thinking? I asked him if he'd ever consider himself too drunk to drive, and he said "no". I don't drink at all, and have no issue if he wants to have a few, but to drive after drinking so much, is just super irresponsible. He could have killed someone, or killed himself. Plus, I feel he jeopardized his job too.

He's been acting weird and depressed lately, and the divorce threats have been coming more frequently, and he just acted super strange last night. He didn't know why I was concerned that he'd driven home while appearing intoxicated. His eyes were super bloodshot, and I could smell it coming off him, and he was just acting strange. He was acting all mopey, and then he crashed, and he's sleeping like the dead(which I assume means he's sleeping it off). He has trouble sleeping as a rule, so this is another sign he's drunk?

No one in my family drinks, so this is new to me. Anytime we've been out together, and I think he's had too many to drive, I drive, as I don't drink. He takes offense to my driving though, at those times.

Throw a heavy case of BPD/NPD(I strongly suspect it's actually APD) into the mix with this, and I'm afraid to say too much about it tomorrow. I do think I need to let him know I worry about him, and I'm concerned?

How do I best handle this?

Also, today I find out that one of the two guys who work for BPDh, the ones who are currently trying to vilify him with his boss, was at the party/bar event last night. If one of these guys know something, they text/call the other, and make trouble for BPDh. I tried to warn him that he might have given them ammo. I mean being seen at the bar drinking a lot, then leaving in the car the company? His company is weird about the company car too, and BPDh knows this.

BPDh got a call from his boss today, wondering where the car was. BPDh thinks I'm being a nag, when all I'm trying to do is warn him that his actions are being scrutinized, and he might want to be careful. Oh, and I still think driving drunk was just irresponsible, and just plain wrong.

  Can you post some of the back and forth of how you addressed this with him.    From a boundaries point of view:  Not your career, boss or any of that.  Did he ask for input?    How often does he drive in this condition?        

FF  

There has only ever been one time that I felt he was too drunk to drive, and I insisted he pull over so I could drive. He hit a curb, and yet he insisted he was fine, but I don't drink, and felt he was too drunk to drive if he's hitting curbs. I insisted, and he pouted, but he let me drive.

He isn't a huge drinker, as he usually only has a few drinks. I feel this is yet another sign that he's depressed.

I just let him know I was disappointed in him, that he'd endangered his life, as well as the lives of others on the road. Also, I've been worried about his job, and so this factored into my worries, as people at the party/bar could report him as having driven the company car. It's not my job, or my boss, but it does effect me too, if he loses his job.

He's since gotten written up at work, and I was right, they are unhappy with him.

I don't know how I can have a boundary around his drinking and driving? I could about ME getting in the car with him, though, yes. I just won't ride with someone I feel is drunk. He realizes that I was worried about him, but he's feeling so low, and depressed, that he just doesn't want to hear it.

Any ideas on how I could have dealt with this? I am adamantly opposed to anyone driving drunk, and this is a huge thing for me.