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I've often heard the term 'self soothing' in reference to the fact that childhood survivors of a pwBPD did not learn such techniques. As I've lately been working with my inner child and becoming aware of her needs, I'm also noticing that I need to learn how to help her when she is anxious or fearful or whatever feeling she is having.

What steps have other members here taken to help soothe yourself? It is a fairly new concept for me, yet I am seeing the great importance of it. I thought it might be helpful not only to me, but also to others who are struggling to grab onto this concept.

One thing I've begun to do in recent weeks to help myself is when I feel that strong, desperate urge that I need to escape my environment, I give myself permission to leave. For example, sometimes at work I get this feeling, so I go out to get the mail and breathe deeply while I slowly walk to the mailbox. Or if there are dishes to do in our little kitchenette, I go and do them. If I'm at home, I put on my tennis shoes and go outside to walk, or I do some yard work (physical activity) to release pent up emotions. I may go to the park or walk around a store just looking at the sights.

Thanks for your thoughts  :thought:!

Wools

Thank you for posting this topic Woolspinner2000,

It is something that has ben on my mind lately.  As I am reaching out and connecting with others more, I am finding myself at times missing connection and wondering if I am self soothing well enough... .during times I am alone.

So I am also interested in what others experiences are on this topic.

I'm not sure I know a difference between self care and self soothing.  Maybe self care is what one does regularly, such as hygiene, and self soothing is what you do when you feel somewhat wounded or vulnerable, or otherwise wanting some emotional pain to be alleviated?

(Brushing teeth vs putting on band aides)

So if I think in terms of when I feel like I am in emotional pain... .

I am comforted... . By thinking of what I want from another, then providing it to myself somehow... .

If I want warm hugs... .I cuddle up in my blankets longer in the am or pm.  Maybe even get extra blankets and pillows, a book to read,metc.

If I want someone to listen to me... .I listen to myself... .or express myself somewhere... .in writing... .or drawing, or listening to music and singing in my car when no one can hear it... .even moving to music.

Sometimes I will allow myself a cathartic cry... .to music or a show that I relate to.

I am struggling with some health issues that have me feeling down right now.  I think I will self soothe by allowing myself a day trip tomorrow to a calming place I like to visit, walk around, and play.  My inner child and adult self will both enjoy this trip.

Edit:  I think the most important point for me is to simply not brush the need aside or get frustrated with myself, but to hear and acknowledge this need within me.  Then allow it to exist.  The 'allowing' it part is a big one for me as I do not like to feel vulnerable sometimes.

I have trouble with this from my point-of-view. Sometimes I feel like the wolf went to the taxidermist. That's because everyone else sees the calm, cool, and collected me. I was always like this, even when I was a young child and my mom first observed it. I turn inward too much. I may be a soothing presence to others, but not to myself.

That being said, I do like to go out and hike. A movie is also a good place to go for two hours. O tend to Hermit out a lot (everyone knows that you never go Full Hermit). That's not soothing; that's coping. So I've gotten more involved in volunteering. That is an ongoing process of soothing and maybe healing. People actually seem to think I'm all right, self-image being something I've struggled with my whole life, at least the little Turkey Pup inside.

I still get what are not quite anxiety attacks, and depressions. The anxiety passes on its own. The depressions can last for days. I guess I just "deal" and move on to the next day.

Maybe my self-care activities are helpful. It's the self-soothing with which I have trouble. Good question.

My last therapist wanted me to practice self soothing. That was too light for me. The half smile and open hands of dbt is what I am working on currently .

Hi unicorn 2014,

So I can get some more self soothing ideas... .

Would you mind sharing exactly what type of self soothing your therapist wanted?

Why would a half smile and open hands be more effective?

What is a half smile and open hands?

Thanks!

~Sunflower

That's exactly how I feel. The more stressors there are, the calmer and quieter I get. It may seem peaceful to others but I'm certainly not self-soothing - I'm detaching. For me, self-soothing is more of a cathartic exercise such as creating art, dancing or singing in a safe place where I can be in touch with my feelings and just fully express myself. Self-validation is self-soothing for me.

Self-care (walking/writing/watching a movie), pushing through fear/anxiety (when I know it's irrational), radical acceptance (it is what it is... .let go), re-framing the situation (how can I look at this another way?)or putting aside the upsetting thought and coming back to it later (go do something else and come back to the issue later with a clear head), sometimes a change of scene (somewhere pretty outside or going from work to home), ignoring the negative chatter in my head (usually the voice of my mother) and finally for me in particular... .doing art (that always puts me in the present-no ruminating on the past or worrying about the future).

Panda39

Hi Sunflower, I believe self soothing is part of the distress tolerance of DBT. Self soothing is too gentle an approach for me. I'm dealing with some hard core negative emotions and self soothing isn't going to change them.

Open hands and half smile is part of the radical acceptance part of distress tolerance and that is what we are working on in my class. It is believed that assuming that posture will make a difference when you are under distress or going through a crisis.

****

I should also add I am not seeing that therapist anymore.

Good thread.

The things I've found that help me self soothe are;

Inner child dialogues (I went to a schema therapist and she encourage me to write them and it really helps)

Guided imagery. I got this from schema too and it's a brilliant way to self soothe

Mindfulness. I use Headspace and though I don't always feel in the mood, especially when I ruminating it does really clear your mind

Exercise preferably outdoors, but the gym is good too

Socialising and having fun. Sometimes you have to kick yourself out and just do it even when you don't feel like it

Journalling. This is different to the dialogues but it's a great way to externalise and process difficult and painful feelings

Making a point of indulging in small kindnesses or treat to myself. I try to keep these healthy, but every now and then I cheat

Reforming

I just figured out that wrapping myself in a warm blanket and watching Bewitched helps.  :thought: :thought:

Lots of great ideas and thoughts so far!

Sonflower, I really like what you shared:


I would agree with the last point you made as being the most key. No matter how we feel, getting to the place of seeing that we have needs clamoring for attention is important. All of the different ages of our inner kids may be asking for our attention now, to help take care of what was unmet so long ago.

Turkish, you are being so honest, and I hadn't thought of the difference between soothing and coping. Good point.


What a great idea, to volunteer! I had never thought of that as being self-soothing, but I typically get a lot of energy from helping others. I think for me, helping comes naturally from what I learned as a child in order to survive. Now I try and help out of choice, not obligation. There is a big difference for me. Does volunteering help you to get out of your hermiting world?


Wools

Panda and Sarah girl, you both mention something that seems to be a reoccurring theme for soothing: art of some form.  :thought: This theme of creativity will probably continue to pop up in responses. Do you think it's because as we use our creativity, we release our inner need for something positive and lovely to come out of us? I think we are far more creative than we can imagine, and art can be such wonderful therapy, no matter what form it takes.

Reforming, you mentioned journalling helps you, and I also have found writing my thoughts down to be a great help. I am much calmer when I process my thoughts and feelings through writing.

I think the warm blanket wrapping, especially with winter coming sounds lovely, Eyeamme and Sonflower! I will have to try this soon.  :)

Most recently I have returned to a hobby from my childhood. Quite by accident, I happened to visit one of our parks when they opened up a new archery course. Archery was a part of my childhood, an escape from my home and uBPDm, and even into college I participated in this sport. I picked up a bow after many years, and I cannot tell you how soothing it has been to me. I use mindfulness, concentration, and  large muscle groups. It has been a good addition to my figuring out what will calm me down.

Wools

Lol I like the idea of Bewitched and a blanket Blankee?  Even watching reruns as a kid,.I liked that show. I should look for it on Netflix. Speaking of, I started watching Knights of The Republic,  or whatever it's called, as my "before going to bed show." S5 found it. I swear I'm not a Star Wars Nerd. I'm a 44 yo guy. There, I admitted to watching a cartoon!

Wools, yes it does help. I "tried" and "tried" to do this starting 15 years ago, but my social anxiety always made excuses. I fall back to what they said in mentoring, "you don't know what you dint know." Meaning, how do you know you won't like it if you never even try. Archery sounds cool... .

Hi Woolspinner

I think you've asked a really important question here and in my haste to say something I did not read all the other comments thoroughly so may be repeating what others have said.

Although there's a lot to be said for reflection and emotions I think the real point of the self soothing that infants learn is how to be there for themselves and still their own emotions. Most of the time, if I am down, I just want to feel better so I talk myself into that as much as I can. However, since I have Mr Potts (my fudge coloured adopted teddy bear that I named myself!) I find a lot of comfort in meaningless humming or repetitive words.

I don't think too much about little Zigz as much as the sensations of having my arms around something warm and fuzzy that won't ever bite me or hurt me.

I find myself saying "It's okay it's okay" over and over even while my heart is pulling me to "It's not okay"

I think it tunes me into the feeling parts that I can't express by distracting me from the thinking parts that logic me through distress.

I don't think, that for me at least, the soothing has much to do with processing as much as holding myself as I go through what's hurting me.

I feel my tears as warmth, as carriers of sadness and pain out of my body - even visualising that they are little boats taking heartache away. I try and feel the pressure in my chest as a grief that was placed there unfairly and needs to be fully weighed up so I know it won't crush me. I try to feel the tightening knot in my stomach as I realise how lonely and abandoned I was, how cruelly I was treated and how much loving care I missed out on.

And through it all the mantra "It's okay it's okay" seems to help. Or I might even just say "Please oh please" or whatever thing comes to mind without fully thinking what is this kid asking? What is happening to her?"

I guess it's just what I would do if I was holding any sad or confused child.

I hope you are okay

Z

Bit of a Theme here (me too). We are taught by our BPD that we must be strong in a crisis. That we must take on their problems, stress/blame. A business mentor of mine told me to stop taking the monkey off the back of the customer and putting it on mine. Probably a common impulse of many children of BPD ? “Their problem Chappy”, he’d say, “Not yours”.

Self soothing ideas:

*I walk in the country side

*chew gum

*Listen to my relaxation tapes (waterfalls etc)

*Do relaxation exercises (Yoga etc.)

*Spend time with furry animals (my kids)

Good post Happy. I find walking very therapeutic too and Yoga and Mindfulness can really help as well

Reforming

I find counting my breath helps, coupled with deep breathing as well as reassuring myself that everything's going to be ok, that I will figure it out.

Sorry for the long absence but I've been distracted by a new granddaughter! She was born Dec. 9th, and I find holding her is very self soothing.  :) In fact, each time I am around her and my 2 year old grandson, I am soothed in ways I could never imagine. How soul touching that is, to be loved and accepted by little people in one's life! It's an experience beyond words, but one which the soul can understand without any words being necessary.

Ziggiddy, you bring up some good points:


This aspect of holding something comforting that truly won't hurt you is very soothing. I wonder if it doesn't represent that holding which we never received, that unconditional loving touch which we each so desire? Lately as I tune in more and more to my inner child at various ages, I also am finding that validating and comforting them is huge. It is as you said, much more than processing.

Happy, what an astute observation that passed right over my head!


Thank you for sharing that. We get to self-sacrificing instead of self-soothing.

Off to enjoy that new baby some more who will be coming up for Christmas!  |iiii

Wools

Greetings,

Very interesting ideas in this thread.

I can't resist posting because: I've been away from bpdfamily for months and stopped in tonight, and plan to over the holidays... .because I need self-soothing!

So, my first thought is: bpdfamily is a form of self-soothing itself. It's like a large fuzzy bear.   . That's probably a large reason for my time spent here, and my guess is many others are here for that also.

But here's a twist --   folie  -- I've also been considering lately about the pwuBPD in my life (a long-ago-ex that I still email with), and how lacking in self-soothing skills they are. And that was true also for my mother (uBPD), and for two other pwuBPD in my life that I've known.

So I'd generalize that pwBPD are lacking in self-soothing skills also, and in fact probably worse than we are. But there's a large difference: they attempted to use other people to soothe them.

And, guess who those other people were?  Us.

So, not only do we have disrupted self-soothing skills, but we probably have some baggage around the combination of self-soothing and BPD.

That's a lot of speculation, so I'll quit now.  

But I feel better already.  :)

Prettyplease, you have a good observation here about our pwBPD using us to sooth them.  |iiii As I pondered your thoughts, it occurred to me that this sounds like what we'd frequently call co-dependency. What do you think? The process of looking to others for getting one's needs met can take so many twists and turns.

Wools

This is a great thread! |iiii

Congratulations on your new granddaughter Wools :) Is she named baby Wools? Or Wools the 3rd perhaps? Or little Woolie!

When I think of self-soothing, I also think of the way we talk to ourselves, particularly in moments of distress. To be able to self-soothe I think we need to adopt a soothing voice and treat ourselves with compassion. This relates to something from the work of Dr. David Burns:

"The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem."

To help us deal with distress, I think it's important we develop a soft caring (inner) voice and not a harsh critical one, otherwise we'll just reinforce our own distress. This also relates to something Pete Walker says about taking care of our inner child:

"Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared."

He too talks about a gentle voice when talking to ourselves. Our own (inner) voice can be a tremendously soothing influence or a source of great distress and emotional turmoil.

Today I read about breathing to stop a panic attack, breathe in, hold your breath, breath out longer. I did that this morning before or after dealing with a phone call from my ex. I also find taking my supplements to help as well as exercise and a balanced diet.

Unicorn, thank you for sharing that very practicle tip. I frequently use deep breathing to help me focus and redirect. There are so many tools we have access to in our 'mental toolbox,' thank goodness! There are times when one will work but not in every situation. When I find one thing doesn't work to soothe me or my inner child, the tools start flying as I dig through my tool chest til I find one that does work.

Kwamina, thanks for the congrats about my new grandaughter!  :) Ewe might find that she's a darling little lamb.   

The thoughts you shared from your post resonate with me from an experience I had early this morning when I couldn't sleep.  I had another one of those memories come out of the blue. Sometimes I wonder just what triggers the randomness of them, you know? Anyway, this one was very odd, because I suddenly remembered what our vacuum cleaner looked like when I was a child. (Stick with me here please.  As odd as it may seem, this does reconnect to your post.) The details of the vacuum kept getting clearer and clearer, complete with the brand name and what the filter bags looked like! I found that so very strange but then could see myself in the process of changing that filter bag when I was Lil Wools. How in the world would a little 8 to 10 year old know how to change a vacuum cleaner bag unless she had been told to do it on a regular basis? Yes, I had to vacuum a lot when I was so young, part of the labor that so many of us experienced as a child of a pwBPD. And then I still clearly remember my mom making fun of me in front of another adult for my vacuuming skills.

My initial reaction was to say to myself, "What a stupid memory!" Yet immediately I realized that no, it was very valid because I could see myself vacuuming, being yelled at, and crying tears as I pushed that vacuum cleaner around, trying so hard to please my uBPDm. My inner critic I told to be quiet, because I needed to validate and empathise and be kind to Lil Wools as I walked through this memory. It wasn't stupid at all, but really very sad. She's never had anyone listen to her before now. I would comfort my own children or grandchildren in such a compassionate manner as I did my inner child today.

That need to be kind to ourselves is so true. It was very self soothing for me as I validated the grief and sadness of that little girl inside me.

Wools

Wools, yeah deep breathing not's doing it for me right now... .My mom said something to me yesterday that I'm still spinning from... .

Thanks for sharing this. This perfectly illustrates what I was talking about.

I am sorry though that you had these painful experiences when you were still so young. It's great though that you were able to identify what was going on, talk back to the inner critic and comfort lil Wools |iiii


I have a big tool bag too now  It's also interesting to see how the various tools are connected and can reinforce each other like cognitive behavior techniques and mindfulness. I sometimes wonder how I made it through all those years before I had this tool bag and had learned about BPD... .guess it was the strength of my inner parrot  

Yes, it does seem like a form of that. And again I think different in the two directions. IMO the pwBPD is behaving in an over-the-top form of co-dependency (at times), in which they find the self they never had in us. I guess this is best seen in the initial mirroring, but I think it's a fallback position for them regularly (at least when they're not disregulating or dissociating).

While for us, to the degree that we're the kind of person who gets 'hooked' into relationships with pwBPDs, it's a co-dependency also, but perhaps a more traditional kind in the sense that we really have a self, a consistent, predictable self, but that self was trained to put the needs of another person before our own in some inappropriate way, or for inappropriate reasons. So we stay too long, do too much for the pwBPD (or other co-dependent partner), rationalize too creatively, doubt our own motives when accused of things we didn't do (and even suffer guilt over them, as if we did them).

And yet, after seeing the differences, it also seems that in the sense of self-soothing, it's essentially the same. —By that I mean that if we were alone, really alone, we'd have to self-soothe in a different way. So although it might be happening at a different level of the psyche in the two directions, for both us and them it's still using the other person for self-soothing. Which I guess is the definition of co-dependence.   

So... .I'm back to my original thought that I'm here because bpdfamily is a way to self-soothe without the co-dependence!  But now I have a more perfessn'l sounding way to say it!  Thank you!   :)

I think you are totally spot on here. In fact my pwBPD has been saying something the last two nights that's really been yanking my chain, I've been wanting to post about it on the undecided board. I once got in an argument with my pwBPD because I told him he treated me like a comfort object and I gave him the visual of a child dragging its stuffed animal down the hallway like a blankie, sucking his thumb. I was not saying it in a mean way but boy he sure didn't like that.  I wasn't even saying he was abusing me, it was more humorous for me. I'm glad I'm not the only who's identified this behavior.

I just wanted to say bravo! for this well written piece, that is definitely a good definition of codependence.

Great metaphor, and funny, as you say.

And maybe more than a metaphor... .I'm a bit rusty on the details, but I was reading about Winnicott—and eventually read a couple of essays by him—a year or two ago, about what happens when the ego is getting formed around two or three, and also reading other people about what happens in the formation of BPD and NPD—and the two streams, together, came to something like your metaphor.  :)

In other words, Winnicott identified the 'transitional object' (often the blanket or stuffed animal) as a critical step in the formation of the self. And others' research has said that if not-very-nice things are happening either before or during that critical step, you get BPD or NPD. (And apparently there's evidence that if the disruption happens earlier, it's a BPD-likely result, and a bit later, it's a NPD-likely result, though I'm foggier on that, so I re-emphasize, this is just my un-rechecked memory from quite a while ago.)

Your metaphor fits this theoretical structure nicely: the pwBPD (or possibly NPD) has missed, or gotten stuck somewhere in, the movement from mother-as-soother, to a transitional-object-as-soother, to self-soothing-inside.

So in a sense, everybody they run into, all their life, is a potential bear or blanket that they can be dragging along as they thump down the stairs... .

If this is true, O frabulous joy that we have realized this! Happy 2016!   

And if it's not true, the story is still helping soothe me this evening, which, as far as I'm concerned, is important. 

Pretty Please thank you so much for validating my perspective!

I kind of got in trouble for saying that to him, in fact I discussed it on one of my threads and I think some people thought perhaps that wasn't such a good idea as it could be construed as a put down.

My partner certainly experienced it as a putdown.

I wasn't putting him down.

I was being compassionate.

Anyways I will look that author up because as of today I'm still in that relationship so I better learn as much as I can.

Happy New Year Everyone!   

I've been thinking about this thread quite a bit, and there have been so many great tips and suggestions of ways to self-soothe. Thank you for all the wonderful input and thought.  |iiii

It's also valuable to see how our tendency to soothe others has affected us, growing up as we did in unhealthy environments. In addition, those in our lives who have used us (or continue to use us) to soothe themselves have often left us unable to soothe ourselves. These are points to take note of, in order that we may best help ourselves on our healing journeys. We need to put our own self-soothing first.

Since there are so many great ideas, I thought perhaps it might be helpful to list a version of them altogether in one post. Sometimes I like a list to print off so that I have my 'tools' right in front of me to refer to when I am lost and need help. Here is a general summary of sorts that I tried to put together from all of the posts. If I left some off, please add them! It is never a complete list by the way, but can be added to for a long time. While each idea is important and valid, I highlighted a few that are especially important to remember while you are doing all the rest. It's a pretty impressive list if you ask me!

Wools


Ways to Self-Soothe

-Walking, hiking, getting away from a stressful environment

-Wrapping up in a blanket, like hugging ourselves when we need a hug

-Express ourselves creatively: through music, art, dancing, singing, writing

-A trip to a calming place that we like to visit

-Hear the need within us to self-soothe, and then allow it!

-Going to a movie

-Volunteering

-Validating ourselves and our inner child

-Radical acceptance, reframing our thoughts

-Ignoring the inner chatter/critic in our head

-Mindfulness

-Exercise

-Have fun and socialize!

-Journaling

-Being kind to yourself

-Holding soft, furry animals (real or stuffed) to comfort us

-Coloring

-Allowing ourselves to feel whatever we are feeling; to cry

-Relaxation tapes/exercises

-Deep breathing

-Talk to ourselves in a soft soothing tone and treat ourselves with compassion

It is! There are several things on it that I'd like to remind myself of more often.

Thank you for this, I may print it too.

But I'd have to add... .

CHOCOLATE!

(for me: hot cocoa with a dash each of coconut, honey, and ginger).

Or I guess more generally... .comfort foods. As long as they're used in moderation, of course.  


... .And... .humor. Has often helped me deal with anxiety, fear, double-binds, distress -- sometimes black humor. In fact usually... .some form of "this is so bad it's funny". 

PrettyPlease, 

How could I have forgotten CHOCOLATE! 

Glad you reminded us of that! I feel quite soothed at the thought of going to eat some... .:)

Wools

Thanks for this thread, Woolspinner.  |iiii

I really like the list that has been compiled so far. Personally, sometimes I really need some time in nature to sit and meditate. I get overwhelmed with the noise around me and it helps to just take a short walk and lie under a tree for a while or listen to a spring. When I can't do that, I might use an app on my phone to provide some nature sounds or white noise, or even guide my breathing. I'm an introvert, so being alone in a quiet space really feels good.

A lot of the things that help me fit into the categories you've created:

warm, heavy blanket

yoga

caffeine-free hot tea

and yes, CHOCOLATE, best savored slowly by the square

creating art

zen gardens (available for free in app stores, too)

a steamy bath or shower

massage

affirming my inner child

positive/realistic self-talk

visiting my imaginary "safe place"--this is a place where I feel secure and safe, and totally in control of who is invited in and what happens there

Along the lines of the last item, one thing that I've used as a coping mechanism since childhood--and is not always healthy--is fantasy. For example, I may have imagined what it would be like if a particular boy I knew liked me romantically, and how he would convey that. It would feel like I was loved, wanted, etc. That helped me feel those feelings when the message I received from my mother was the opposite. Nowadays, I try to live as much in reality as possible, though I can recognize that when I start to go down that path I need to examine a part of myself that needs to be soothed or healed. I learned it as a way to cope with an unbearable reality, and now I am an adult and I can care for myself, so I can choose other ways to face uncomfortable feelings if I want to, as opposed to trying to run away from them.