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I have a uBPD mom who has been married to my dad for 40+ years. My dad has only recently come to accept that my mom is mentally unhealthy in the past few years. She is getting worse - much worse. She now lies outright on a regular basis, and she constantly creates stories and drama about the people in her life. For the past several months, she has spent days screaming at my dad about what an awful person he is, that he is the devil, that he has f'ed up her life, etc. And still he does not leave.

My dad is clearly in an emotionally abusive relationship. At the toughest of times, he will talk about taking a trip to see his brother or sister just to escape for a few days, but when my mom "bounces back" and all is momentarily "normal," my dad will hold on to that good feeling and believes that it will stay that way. But inevitably, something will trigger mom and she goes back to screaming again.

Has anyone been able to successfully help an enabling family member leave a long-term relationship with an uBPD individual? What words or actions worked? What didn't? I realize that it is not my decision to make, but I wonder if there is hope for my dad. He is not living a life right now; he is simply surviving. And he doesn't even know it.

Hi sad4mydad

It is clear you care about your dad very much. It's never pleasant knowing someone you love is being hurt, the fact that it's your own mother doing the hurting only makes it more complex.

Your dad is indeed responsible for his own decisions. You say your dad has only in the last few years has come to accept that your mother is mentally unhealthy. Does your dad also think your mother has BPD?

You also mention how he will hold on to that good feeling of those good times in the hope or believe that it will last. This suggest he might still be struggling with truly accepting just how disordered your mother is. Would you say this is an accurate assessment?

Perhaps the best thing you can do is be there for your dad and show him that you care for him. Does your dad perhaps have support for himself in the form of a therapist? You said in a previous post awhile back that you have given him names of therapists in his town who are familiar with BPD, do you think he might be more open to seeing a therapist now? You also talked to him about a support group in his area back then, do you think he would be more willing to attend their meetings now?

Hello sad4mydad

Such a difficult situation.    I totally understand your feelings of helplessness about your parents. It's scary when we feel one of our parents isn't safe and happy. I went through this with my mom, she has waif/hermit traits, telling me her H (my stepdad) was emotionally abusive. He's an alcoholic though I'm not sure if he drinks like he use to. (I don't ask anymore) I tried to convince her to leave too. It got to the point that I realized how deeply this was affecting me and our relationship. (Mine and my mothers) Hearing these things kept me in crisis mode worried about her. I struggled with a lot guilt over this, because how can I be OK and be actively involved in my life when my mom wasn't OK? 

What I realized years later, they both have some deep issues and both fear losing each other but for different reasons. My mom put me in a bad position telling me all of this and I had no idea I was validating her victimizing herself. Like you, I love my mom and I want to be there for comfort however I had to learn how to step out of their chaos and be there in a more healthy way. And that was NOT easy.

For me, the first thing I started doing was remind myself (often) that their relationship wasn't always bad. Like you said, things would go back to "normal" for periods of time. I also started putting the responsibility for her decision to stay back where it belongs, in her hands. I would tell her "that's life with stepdad" and that I didn't want to discuss their arguments when she would start telling me all the terrible things he was saying to her. My worrying would still be there but I no longer fed her victimization by taking her side. I still worried I just didn't share it with her and over time she stopped telling me about when they argued. I care, I just can't fix it for her.

My T really helped me with the guilt of wanting to save her and wanting to be invested in my life too. Are you working with a T to help you with what you've been up against with your parents? 

A different perspective to ponder... .My parents have been married almost 50 yrs. It took me a long time to realize he is *almost* as dysfunctional as she is. He was the more "normal" and loving parent and I idealized him, and tried protecting and rescuing him many times. But, he stays, as miserable as it is, because he gets something out of it, and I played my part in their triangle  He likely has uNPD and enjoys the adulation when she splits "all good" and also likes feeling needed when she is in victim mode. They triangulate constantly. I stepped off finally!

Thank you for all of your responses. My dad has accepted that my mom has BPD, which is helpful. I do think he realizes how bad she is, but I think hanging on to the "good times" is one of his coping mechanisms.

I did finally convince him to see a T last year who is familiar with BPD, and she helped to give him some tools to deal with my uBPD mom. They moved a few months ago and he is reluctant to see a new T. For one, he doesn't want to bring yet another person up to speed on the entire situation, as I can understand. And my mom gives him a very hard time about going and they end up fighting about it so the help he gets is counter-balanced by the fight that results with my mom.

When things got really bad earlier this fall (due to a combo of dad's physical health issues, mom's mental health, etc.), I fell into a really bad depression. I went back to seeing my T, but she really didn't even know what to do for me. I was doing everything I was "supposed" to do - not drinking, eating right, running, talking with friends, etc. - but I wasn't feeling any better. In fact, my T kind of "released" me last week because she really doesn't know what else to tell me to do. My PCP put me on an antidepressant and that seems to have helped.

I continue to struggle and accept my dad's decision to stay with my mom, but I am getting better about it. I will never fully understand it, and I'm learning to accept that it is okay if I don't understand it. It's just heartbreaking to see my dad treated so badly. It's helpful to know that I am not alone and I truly appreciate everyone's thoughtfulness and camaraderie.

Good for you for reaching out to your PCP.  |iiii

Is it possible you have outgrown this T? Some therapists aren't as experienced with the dynamics of a parent with BPD and how it effects their children as others. When I searched for my T I looked for one who treats pwBPD, among other things. I knew she/he would understand my questions without having to prove my thoughts about BPD behaviors, if that makes sense.