BPDFamily.com

Hi

    I haven't posted in a while, but I read the new posts every day. It's my undiagnosed 44 year old son's birthday tomorrow, but instead of having or going to a party for him, I'm having a very small pity party for. myself. Long story short, he has continued no contact with me since Jan,2014,and that means I haven't seen my granddaughter, my only grandchild since she was four months old. She is now 27 months old. I have missed all her important milestones so far, as well as my son's wedding  to baby's mom,  and the new home they have purchased.

      I would practice the skills I should learn in dealing with him, but there's been no chance since he has stayed no contact all this time, and he doesn't need me in his life for anything. Years ago,he went no contact with the whole family for 3 years, and never showed up at his grandmother's wake or funeral. I have been trying radical acceptance or detaching with love,but truthfully, I don't think there is much love  left. I'm afraid that my granddaughter might inherit this disorder as well. I feel so helpless.

Hello, Engteach & *welcome*  (or, welcome back as a poster   )

I'm really sorry for how difficult your relationship is going with your son; having a grandchild that you cannot even see or establish a relationship with is terrible--I do commiserate with that (from troubles in the past). Please don't write off a relationship with your son, daughter-in-law and grandchild; in my own case things finally came around and now our family is very much restored 

When was the last time your son communicated with you, or you with him? How did he respond if you emailed, called him, or left a message?

Have you read the book "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? If not, I think it would be a very good read for you; it's my BPD "Bible" (has a very good Index in the back where you can look up the issues you are dealing with, though reading it all is the best thing to do).

I ask this, because several of us on this site--including me--have benefitted from using this statement from the Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder (https://bpdfamily.org/search?q=porr&x=0&y=0) book. It's found on page 331, and she calls it an

"Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

If the email lines would be open to you, maybe something like that would put a little crack in the No Contact wall? I used this statement in an email to my son and also again with his wife, and it was what led to the reconciliation that has brought our family back together. I also read this Workshop: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210574) That Workshop has also saved my relationship with my (non-BPD) son and his wife (who has, at least, BPD traits), leading to my closer relationship with both of them and my grandchild  *)

One of the best communication techniques to use when dealing with our BPD loved ones (once communication is reinstated) is Validation, and is about using Support, Empathy & Truth, and is found here: COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all). This is the best skill I've learned since finding this site, and I not only use it for communicating with my BPD loved ones, but with everyone in my life, actually.

And one more thing that I have found that has made a VERY big difference in how I figured out how to deal with my BPD loved ones is this: Radical Acceptance for family members (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0)... .When I was so tangled up in their feelings about me and their words to me, Radical Acceptance of their disordered thinking/feelings helped me to detach from their treatment of me and see the situation as it really is: it's more about them and their feelings, and not me.

You're in a tough, stressful and difficult situation, Engteach, but I wanted to tell you that I was also in that situation, and found that by eventually deciding to not give up (and yeah, I do know what wanting to give up feels like!), things got better. Learning about the things above, and putting them into practice, took away my feelings of helplessness, and empowered me and saved our family. I truly wish that for you, too... .Have you read any of that information before? 

Engteacher,

I am sorry for your pain.  Rapt Reader has some great thoughts that she shared with you.

Perhaps you can find it within you to give yourself a non-pity party, but celebrate all you have done as a mom, knowing you can take care of you.