BPDFamily.com

Hi

  I was inspired by a recent post... .when the pwBPD says one day "I love bread sticks" and the next week "I hate them"... .when they say one day "Tom is a good guy" and the next hour "I never want to see Tom again", and when they say one day  "You emailed me once today" and the next week (with no further emails) you emailed me six times that day"----

   Are they lying?  Is it black and white splitting?  Or do their opinions/feeling really change that extremely and that quickly and abruptly?  I would consider the above statements dishonest but they seem to have a different view. In fact, they rarely even remember saying that they actually loved bread sticks!

i think youre describing a few different things.

keep in mind the unstable sense of self for a pwBPD. interests, hobbies, tastes can be fleeting. so if you love bread sticks one week and hate them the next, you might be describing that.

tom does sound like someone is seeing him in black and white.

emails sounds a bit more to me like feelings=facts, which could also apply to the other examples.

there is also dissociation to keep in mind, which doesnt sound like any of your examples, but i think has its roots in a lot of the confusion in threads with similar questions.

i dont think its black or white - lying or just a changed feeling. depending on the example there are several considerations.

hope that helps

Mine would tell very clear lies.  She told them for a variety of reasons.

But then, in other cases, her feelings would just change.  She said to me once, "I did feel that at the time.  I wasn't saying that for effect.  I wasn't lying."

Then, there is black and white thinking.  One day, I'm awful.  The next day, I'm great. 

Basically, they really aren't quite sure what they want or who they are.  Mine always said to me, "I always get what I want."  I felt like replying, "If that's so true, then why aren't you happy?" 

Both.  Lying comes out of the shame at the core of the disorder, making honesty not an option, and changed feelings come out of an unstable sense of self; different person, different set of beliefs and emotions.

And the interesting thing to look at is how did we respond?  When our partner was unpredictable and seemed to hold beliefs that were contrary to facts, what did we do about it?  How did it make us feel?  Crazy, anxious, delusional, confused, frustrated, unbelieving, wanting to flee, wanting to fix it, wanting to scream, wanting to shake some sense into our partner?  And the big-ticket item: what do we do next time someone in our lives pulls that kind of thing?