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Every time things broke off it was because I "couldn't respect boundaries" and made them feel "unsafe." As we've gone NC for a week now, things are starting to settle and I'm no longer believing every word they said right off the bat.

It still hurts that someone I love thinks terrible things about me - I wish that wasn't the case. If I could figure out how to get over it I'd be such a happy individual.

They seek favor or support. Maybe both.  It is meant to draw attention to them not to you.  Can you share an example?

Yes she did lol... she tried to make me think it was so terrible when I'd get angry after catching her lying. Gosh I was a racist, abuser and everything. 

Yes, you were clearly being abusive for refusing to believe her (most likely) very obvious lies. Why did you have to be so mean to her?  :)

My ex must have read an article about battered/abused men.  He likely identified and felt a lot of fear towards me. (I was not abusive. I did shout back a few times... .had some fleas... .but nowhere near abusive... .my words were never degrading or such.)

I came to realize that with his passive aggressiveness, he was actually abusive to me and my son.  He would do covert things for control and intimidation such as drive erratic when mad at me.  Then when I told him to stop the car to get out... .he felt I was abusive... .the times I tried to protect myself... .because of course... .he felt intimidated and controlled by my behavior of being an individual.

Yes, it actually does bother me that he literally believes I was abusive to him... .and I'm sure he likley had some counseling as an 'abused man.'

I also think he told his friends and family on FB that I'm abusive, hence why people who were fond of me suddenly blocked me.

Our first MC let me know he was having issues of transferrence.  He actually WAS abused by his exW with BPD, but never stood up to her.  Therefore he tried to recreate or relive many things... .and treated me like he should have treated her for actually abusing him.

He is still scared of her, won't call her out on her actual abuse... .but did accuse me time and again for causing him feelings of fear and such.

Sure he was often fearful I'd leave him... .with his behavior at times... .he should have been fearful of that!  Ugh!  It was so confusing!

Edit: I think in his quest to recognize and never accept abuse again... .after the r/s with his exW... .  He looked for abuse.  Feelings=facts to him... .which confused him.  Also, I think he wanted out of the responsibilities of the r/s... .and part of him wanted the feelings he was having to end.  I feel he had no "reason" to leave... .therefore HAD to create a reason. (He even tried to tell me to date... .I guess he then could leave and say I was cheating on him... .or I moved on)  If SF is abusive... .THEN I have a reason to leave this relationship.  I feel scared and afraid of my feelings... .therefore SF must be abusive... .therefore I must leave SF.  So backwards and confusing!

Yea ! They love to pull this on whomever they are involved with. My ex at the end told me I was obsessed with her! Bc I would say I love you? Yea crazy! Oh and btw still thinks that way! I went from being a "Superhero" I'm sure like everyone else here has to being dirt u set their shoe.  When they were "baiting" me she told me stories of how her brother and his friend

Molested her and her ex boyfriend supposedly raped her. Both stories sad to say I don't believe. Now who is she back with her ex boyfriend. Remember the one who raped her! Crazy!

When they believe they are threatened... .

you best run and NOT try to smooth anything over.

Mine would dump me and if I sought closure she would say I was "scaring her" making her nervous and anxious any time the phone rang. She would then tell me I was dangerous and would file an RO if I didn't leave her alone.

I'd leave her alone. She would return. Never would apologize. I would take her back.

My fault. My lack of self respect allowing her to return.

What is attractive about a person who files a RO against us? Is it the need to be accepted and "forgiven" by someone when we never did anything in the first place?

?

That is what is within us. The NEED to be accepted. That is what keeps us emeshed in these relationships.

I found out a lot after this final discard. My ex would call her exes and tell them she "feared for her life" and that I was psychotic and manipulative.

They figured out this wasn't true as she returned to me many times after saying these things.

People stay friends with her. I cannot do that. A friend doesn't accuse you of heinous things. These are very sick people and none of us are equipt to treat them.  It is best to walk away... .and stay away.


PW

This resonates so much with what I've experienced the last year... .it tears me apart knowing they think I'm a monster, abusive, etc. They stated they are getting a restraining order against me (as far as i can tell because they don't "feel safe" around me), when it seems more likely I would have a case for one against them.

And yet I still want their approval, want to hear from them despite knowing it's not a good idea. They are blocked in every way I can think, I haven't reached out to them, and don't have plans on it.

Thank you for sharing!

Mine kept breaking up with me but wanting to stay friends, then starting up the romance again. I never objected to the breakups, always "gave him space" when he asked for it, was always glad to hear from him again, was always the same in-love girl while never forcing myself on him.

And yet, according to him, I was pushing/pulling. I guess because I gave him the space he asked for?

Also, when I would try to reason through a misunderstanding I "always had to be right." No, that was him too.

The granddaddy of projections, for me, was when he blindsided me with the information that he was in a new relationship--only 2 days after saying he wasn't. And when I expressed hurt about that, he said (or emailed, since he refused to speak to me),

"If you think you're any kind of victim in this you can go f*ck yourself."

I NEVER played victim, ever. No, that was him 100%.

I caught her out in a lie. Rather than talk about the matter or admit I had caught her out she kept me at an arm's length for three days. Yup. I allowed her to punish me, for doing absolutely nothing wrong. She had me so wrapped up with her push/pull behaviour by this point I had no idea what was going on in my head.

We were then staying in a hotel for the night and she was being all passive/aggressive with me. Frustration got the better of me and I called her quite a nasty, although thoroughly appropriate, considering what I discovered what she had been up to, name. Not aggressively in any way. She locked herself in the toilet for an hour and only agreed to come out once I said I would sleep on the FLOOR.

No way did I scare her or even raise my voice. She cleverly used the situation turned the whole matter round into her favour. First class manipulation. We were very much into the stage of devaluation by then and I really should have simply picked up my stuff and said goodbye.

But thanks to the good old F.O.G I stayed, and remained her loyal lap dog. Only for a few more weeks though. I had had enough!

Good Lord. I constantly amaze myself with the stuff I put up with! Those who know, know exactly what I'm talking about!

she messed me up bad you have no clue... she would openly lie to my face and the play victim... I lost it lol. And when I did she would just stare at me. My god.