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I am not even sure how to approach this. I have told him that I am done.

I am trying to carve out my own space in the house but it feels like he is fighting it.

I have been sleeping on the couch or on the floor in the kids room for a long time now. I want to move the kids into the big bedroom so I can get a small bed or something to put in there so that I don't have to sleep on the floor or the couch. We recently had to throw out the big bed in the master bedroom so he has been sleeping in the living room too. He is resisting me getting another bed for his room. He insists that it be a bigger bed just in case I want to move back in with him. I don't. In the last 5 years or so, we have not really shared a room at all. He had his own man cave for a year or two. When the oldest wanted her own room, we moved back into the master bedroom together.

He recently lost his job due to budget cuts so there is no chance of us being able to move apart. I would like to have a timeline but cannot realistically come up with one. In the meantime, I really do want to set up a more livable situation.

He is not accepting that it is over. I am done. He is saying things to me that indicate that he is hoping that I will back off of this. I have backed down in the past because, no matter what I say, he carries on like we will be together forever. When I push too hard, he starts to dysregulate and I back down because I don't want to make waves. I have been avoiding engaging him, especially when I feel like he is trying to bait me.

He is the one that pushed for us to have an open relationship. I have a boyfriend and that doesn't seem to phase him. All he says is, ":)on't get pregnant, I don't want to raise another man's baby." I was and am so floored by that statement. I don't even have the words to describe how I felt when he said that.

I don't know what it is that I am wanting. I am feeling lost and frustrated because I want to carve out my own space and continue to detach until I can figure out the finances and convince him that he needs to move out. I am not emotionally ready to take on a legal challenge with him. I am not emotionally ready to push this too hard yet. I need support and ideas on how to keep my sanity while trying to figure this out.

Hi Vortex,

I think you are starting at a good point.  Getting yourself set up with your own space, however that looks,  within the logistics that you have is a place to focus.  I  think your own bed, in a room with a door you can close will jump start the detachment process.

He may or may not fight that.  That is his business to handle.   You don't need to convince him.  Just slowly and without much discussion remove him from your decision making.    Do what is best for you.    Getting a good night's sleep in a comfortable bed regardless of what he thinks or doesn't think should be job one for you and your health.

Does that sound workable?

Ducks

That sounds very workable. I am trying to work on the logistics of it in my head. With him being unemployed and home, it is going to be a bit more difficult for me to navigate as he is underfoot. In the past when I moved him into his man cave, he was working. I just did it. He came home and I had it done. There was no discussing. I am trying to figure out how the heck I can get the bedrooms switched around again without him getting in my way and making it difficult.

I understand better now.   Which might work better a slow stealthy I  just want to organize the house approach or what I like to call a hit and run,   my new bed is being delivered tomorrow?

Hi vortex of confusion,

I can see how frustrating all of this would be. I agree with babyducks that you don't need to convince him. It also sounds like he's not going to be able to change your mind about ending the relationship. I would suggest to act boring, share less to lessen his emotional attachment.  

I see that you said that you need to figure out the finances. I feel better when I have a goal in mind that way I know that relatively how long it will take to reach that goal. Do you think that it would help him if you had a budget sorted out that way it gives you a timetable?

I don't know about you, but making that decision was the hardest part, so congratulations on that.  Maybe it's not the same for you but for me it was immensely freeing to no longer be going back and forth in my head about how I can make it work or whether I should try.  

The logistics of your situation are a bit more of a problem, but I think you have it mostly figured out as far as space.  And it sounds like you've done it before which is helpful.

My only advice is to remember to focus on taking care of yourself through this while you look for long term solutions.

I am thinking that it will take a bit of both. I'll have to get things organized and cleaned before I can do the stealth attack with a bed.

No, he can't change my mind at this point. I have given him a lot of chances and I have sacrifices myself too many times.

I have been trying to be more boring. Today, we were having a conversation. It was more like he was talking and I was listening. At one point, he asked me for my opinion. I told him that I didn't have an opinion. He got kind of irritated with me because I wouldn't really give him any feedback about anything.


There was some discussion of things today. He is saying it will take 2 years before he can really consider moving out. I offered other alternatives like getting a travel trailer to put in the front yard or trying to figure out how to turn the garage into an apartment. I am not going to get any input from him on anything. I have to figure this all out myself. That has what has kept me in the FOG for so long. He can't accept that I will no longer put up with things.

He may display irritation now but it may register that if he comes to you for an opinion that you're not going to give him one. It's change and there's a period where both parties adapt. You probably already thought about this but what if he stayed with friends or family?

I would get the feeling that if somome told me it's at least two years and it's a possibility and not a certainty, there's a good chance that they are stalling and hoping that I might change my mind. Something like a big expense might come up and that would push that two years even further out too.

Thank you for this! It has been very freeing for me. And, it has also allowed me to set some boundaries around things like being physical with him. When I was waffling, I was afraid to tell him that I refused to have sex with him because I didn't want to do irreparable damage to the relationship. Now that I have made the decision, I have been able to tell him no more. Not only is it freeing, but it is allowing me to process some of the things that he has done to me over the years.


I have moved us into separate rooms before. It has been a long time since he and I had any semblance of a real relationship.


That is the hard part. I am trying though!

His family lives too far away and he doesn't really have any close friends.


He is definitely stalling. He said today, "But I thought you said you never wanted to get a divorce and now it seems inevitable." I don't remember exactly what I said but it was something along the lines of things change and that I never thought we would get to this point. I tried to keep it pretty detached and low key.

What I wanted to say was, "I never thought that my husband would throw me away and beg me to sleep with other guys for his own twisted pleasure. I never thought that my husband would give his permission for me to be with another guy and tell the other guy "you won't regret it" as if to brag on me and boast about how great certain things are. I never thought that my husband would do a lot of the things that you have done."

I didn't say any of that. I just sat and tried to keep my response as short as possible.