BPDFamily.com

Hi BPDF,

I'm in a two year live in relationship with a GF that I believe is undiagnosed BPD and she has a opiate addiction and has been on suboxone for four years... .Shevhasvtwo children and I have two children. She hands down lied about her drug abuse and addiction and hid it from me until I discovered it four months after she moved into my home with her children.

Our relationship is text book BPD and went through the firstborn stages... .And we are now in the devaluation stage receiving her degragating abuse sometimes daily... .She's a strong Jeckyl and Hide switching almost daily when she's on a low. Stepping back and looking at what's going on I'm beginning to see her pulling away... I'm thinking she's readying to recycle me... .Stage three.

I'm struggling to let go as I am a bit codependent and am aware and working on it... .I've been different with her as I have established boundaries... .I feel she's detaching cause she no longer controls me... .

Any experience out there and care too share?

Thanks TG

Hey True-

You say:


Good for you!  To realize codependent tendencies and to work on establishing boundaries.

But you also say:


Which is still giving her all the control.  A 'recycle' is a reestablishment of the relationship after a breakup, which takes agreement of both partners and renewed commitment.  If it's entirely up to her then how will that be different than it was before?

Do they all make attempts?  Mine does but only with me.

Thanks FHTT,

I see myself continually handing her the controls... .Great catch! I so see how I allow myself to be pulled in... .Certainly more to work on!

I've got a feeling that she's shopping herself around and also trying to keep me interested between her abusive lulls... .She swings day to day... I'm not sure if it's BPD or her addiction. Either way it's not working for me... .

I've found myself hooked into her as we met a real low point in my life... .Im a widow and lost my wife of 16 years to cancer... .Met my current GF after a year and a half and allowed her and her two young kids to move in after six months and believing that they were struggling... .Needless to say, I totally attracted to her and she absolutely loved me in the front end... .The rest is text book BPD and now tears me apart in front of my two young children... .It's horrific... .abusive... .

For me it's going to be a clean break but I'm struggling to get get my mindset there... .

mine is pulling me in, but I have done my homework, I have established clear boundaries, I am secure towards myself it happens on my premises only. A little while ago I was fogged with fixing, rescuing, guilt. Now I teach her and others boundaries because I demonstrate clear boundaries in my behavior. What you got you can give.

I have gained respect ,selfrespect most importantly and I know she will always be there, since it is a matter of time until she has committed any infidelity, recycling, whatever, she got it all. I do not expect any change until therapy anyway, so no point in fantacise , the real love happens in the real world. Going back is not any option, because I found back to myself.

Hi BD,

Thanks for sharing... .I've been struggling with the guilt of ending the relationship as my GF has two young boys that both have special needs... .She's clearly been trying to work on things but cannot seem to communicate and she still looks to fight rather than talk. She engages in gaslighting and splitting to try to control the conversation and me. When she's looking to argue she brings her sons into the mix and includes their opinions to turn them against me. I think she's brainwashing them and that tells me she's not well.

At this time I've been focusing on myself and getting stronger inside. I now see her barrage of insults to me as nothing more than her ranting and exhibiting the behavior of a person that is not well... .

I see the end coming and am very sad but also know that it must end.

TG

I once was a child of a BPD mother, and yes she manipulated us. With BPD partners the change in them starts within yourself, they got  weak selves and acts as mirrors. If you are not in control , nobody is. On their  fruits, you shall get to know people. And yes we as children got it , who was the manipulator in the end, she never took responsibility for her actions, she was always in drama, conflict mode. 

Hi TrueGrenadine,

Getting yourself to a strong place is job number one. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship, and if damage has been done, it's important to get yourself centered.

Have you tried validation with her? This and other communication skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190) can help minimize the cycle of conflict. It takes some practice to get it right, and to learn how to stay grounded when a BPD loved one is in an emotional dysregulation.

Core challenges with BPD include impulsivity, intense shame & self-loathing, and extreme rejection sensitivity. There is often a tremendous amount of anxiety over things that tend to roll right off of us. You may need to change how you prepare her for transitions, and how you talk to her when she is winding up. Validation means accepting and acknowledging her feelings, even if you don't agree with what she is saying. Not easy! It can also be the difference between conflict or not conflict.

It also helps to sort out what your values are so you can build boundaries from there. Until being in a BPD relationship, it had never occurred to me what my values were. This helps us stay grounded in who we are and what is important to us. Without being clear about values, it's easy to have boundaries eroded. People with BPD have an unstable sense of self. And that can look and feel a lot like boundary busting, anything to manage the feeling that things are out of control, and the intense shame that goes with it. Being the emotional leader in the relationship will fall to you. 

For example, your value may be based on having a sober partner. Your boundary may be that if she uses again, you will protect yourself and your kids. The rule might be that she can only live with you if she is sober. The consequence is that she needs to move out if she is found using.

Another value may be around civil conversations. Your boundary may be that you will protect yourself and your kids if there is a raging, abusive conversation. You may enforce that boundary by choosing to walk away, or hang up, or leave the house if/when there is an explosive rage. The rule may be that if she damages anything during a rage, she pays for it with her own money.

There are many other examples, and there is no one value or set of values that are right or wrong, they're different for everyone. In general, though, it can be helpful to have the conversation when she is not dysregulated so that she understands where the boundary is, and the consequences. And be prepared that she will test those boundaries to see if they really are boundaries. You have to commit to being consistent, even if it's uncomfortable or inconvenient for you.

Lots to learn! I hope you'll let us know how you're doing.

LnL

when we lie towards ourselves long enough, we become lost, we loose the notion about who we are.